Friday, September 25, 2009

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Six: Costume Drama!

Last week Johnny was out and Tim was perturbed:

Tim: "I'm sorry I was so terse. I guess I just picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

This week we start the day with the designers saying variations of "I'm sorry Johnny is gone except for the fact that I'm so glad he's gone."

Heidi tells the designers it's time to get out of the design room:

Heidi: "We've done the beach and Hollywood Blvd. and other field trips but you're still looking a little pale and sickly. So this week we are going to the filmmaking capital of the world: Canada!"

The designers meet Tim and Collier Strong in Canada and learn they have to create a look inspired by a movie genre.

Tim: "Let me be completely clear: I do not understand this challenge. Maybe you are supposed to make a runway look that is inspired by a film character or maybe you are supposed to make a garment that could actually by used as a costume in a movie. Who knows?"

The designers get completely unnecessary dossiers explaining what their genres are:

Period Piece: a film set in a specific period
Action/Adventure: a film with some element of action or adventure
Science Fiction: a film with ice queens and/or lizard people

Tim: "The only piece of instruction I have for you is that your character has to be an assassin."

Shirin is going with Western Prostitute Assassin.

Carol Hannah is going with Sexy Assassin.

Logan is going with Military Assassin.

Carol Hannah: "Ooh, Logan, that is such a good idea! Maybe we could discuss it further over drinks?"

Tim: "OK, that's it! Logan, I'm going to have to ask you to work in a separate room because nobody can get anything done with you around. You're just too hot!"

Ra'mon is going with Star Trek Assassin.

Nicolas is going with Fairy Assassin.

Epperson figures out that Westerns can be set in the 19th century and, therefore, can also be period pieces, which is what he wanted to do in the first place. He's going with Tough Frontier War-Bride Assassin. So it's a cross between Cold Mountain and Brokeback Mountain but with more assassins and fewer gay shepherds.

Gordana decides her period will be the 1920s because that's the period when women first started getting more emaciated.

Gordana: "I said emancipated!"


Louise doesn't know what kind of assassin she's designing for:

Nicolas: "What?! I never start designing a garment without knowing what kind of assassin I'm making it for!"

Christopher is going with Victorian Vampire Bride Assassin.

Tim: "Christopher, a real Victorian vampire bride assassin would never have bare arms. You know what would be totally Victorian? A halter top!"

In a failed attempt to increase the drama, the produces steal all the scissors and bobbins from the design room.

The judges are John Varvatos, Zoe Glassner and a costume designer named Arianne Phillips.

Irina had "film noir" and she made a slinky black dress with gold inserts and a white cape. Boring.

Carol Hannah had "action/adventure" and she made a black pleather bustier with a long coat and weird straps hanging off of the thighs. Kind of dramatic but not great.

Shirin had "Western" and she made something that looked to me like a Halloween costume.

Christopher had "period piece" and he made a beautiful dress in his usual style. The skirt was certainly inspired by the 1860s but pairing it with the halter top was a modern touch that I really liked.

Nicolas had "science fiction" and he made a dress that looked like a wedding cake. It wasn't that bad considering he only had one day to make it. But that's the best thing I can say about it.

Althea had "film noir" and she made a really basic and boring black skirt and white top.

Ra'mon had "science fiction" and he made his usual basic dress with crap glued on to it. It was straight out of last season's drag queen challenge. He would have been better off with his first idea.

Louise had "film noir" so she made a flapper dress. Obviously. The dress was actually pretty cute but her concept was a big mess.

Epperson had "Western" and he made a big ruffly denim dress with a gun holster. I loved it!

Gordana had "period piece" and she made a pretty gold dress. I agree with the judges that it was a little boring but, once again, I don't think it was the most boring and I'm left wondering why the judges always pick on her.

Logan had "action/adventure" and he made a black pleather catsuit with pink gashes that make me want to barf.

The judges use the "D" word for Gordana:

Judges: "Dressmaker!"


The judges inexplicably love the ice queen dress Nicolas made. They think it will look expensive and beautiful on camera. Well, I have news for them: I'm watching it on camera and it looks cheap and silly.

They also love Christopher's and Epperson's.

The judges don't like Louise's dress:

Louise: "I created a look for a character who is a 21st-century woman who has to go to a costume party in the 1940s and she dresses like a woman from the 1920s who is really ahead of her time."

Zoe Glassner: "Uh-huh uh-huh. I completely get your story and I completely hate this dress."

They don't like Ra'mon's hot green mess:

Ra'mon: "I'll be honest, my first dress was totally Dior but then it was ruined in a steamer accident and I had to start over."

Heidi: "Ra'mon, what planet is this woman from? Uranus? I just made a joke!"

Nicolas wins. Seriously.

Ra'mon is out. Sorry, Ra'mon.

Spoiler Alert! Don't read the following if you have not seen this week's Models of the Runway!

Most of this episode is filled with a whole lot of nothing. The models talk a bit:

Models: "Blah, blah, blah."


Heidi tells the designers they all have to switch models this time! Why The Face (WTF)!

Vanessa, who definitely would have been going home, is miraculously saved! Her guardian angel, Julia Roberts, was obviously looking after her.

Somehow, nobody picks Fatma and she ends up as one of the last two models on the runway, with Louise making the final selection. And since Louise has to pick a new model, Fatma, the best most insane model since Morgan in season one, is out by default.

I just have one thing to say:


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Five: Black and White and read almost nowhere!

The remaining designers start their morning by making completely unnecessary statements:

Carol Hannah: "I just realized one of us will go home this week."

Shirin: "I predict that we will have to make an article of clothing."

Gordana: "I think you are right. And I bet there will be a twist."

Of course, it's better than the pure delusion going on in the other girls' apartment:

Johnny: "As god is my witness, I will never be in the bottom three again!"


Johnny: "Well, maybe just once more. But that's it!"

The designers go to the printing plant of the Los Angeles Times:

Tim: "I'm pleased to introduce Booth Moore. Although Booth looks like she shops at JCPenney, I assure you she is actually the highly-esteemed fashion critic for the Los Angeles Times."


Tim: "The Times is read by dozens of people every week and we have piles of unread newspapers here behind us to prove it. Each pile is a separate section of the paper and each section is made up of at least two pages, most of which are filled with paid announcements that real estate developer Donald T. Sterling is winning another humanitarian award."

I can't tell you how sick I am of Donald T. Sterling. So, what's the challenge?

Tim: "Your challenge this week will be to find some actual news in the Los Angeles Times!"

Oh, come on! Make the challenges difficult but not impossible!

Christopher: "Oh, look! I found some news! No, wait; I read about that yesterday on Yahoo."

Louise: "I found the weather report in the business section! According to this, it's going to be seventy-four degrees and sunny here in Los Angeles every day for eternity."

Johnny: "The comics are pretty funny!"

Yes they are, Johnny. Yes, they are.

Epperson: "Hey, did you know that Donald T. Sterling is winning another award? It's the Donald T. Sterling Award for the person who has awarded himself the most awards. And it's mentioned on every page of the newspaper. It must be very important news."

The designers start working and Tim checks in on them:

Johnny is making an amazing dress that looks like Christian Dior came back to life and revolutionized the fashion world with a dress made out of newspaper. It's so good that the other designers are speechless. Tim goes berserk:

Tim: "Johnny, this dress is just too good! It is so amazing that once people see it they will never want to buy another dress for the rest of their lives. You will singlehandedly destroy the fashion industry. I, for one, refuse to let that happen."

Tim attacks the dress with a steamer until it melts, while the torch-wielding townspeople chant "Death to Johnny's dress!"

On to the runway:

Remember Michael and Nina? Yeah, neither do I. They are gone again this week and it looks like Nina won't be here next week, either. Filling in this week are Tommy Hilfiger and Zoe Glassner again. And the fashion critic for the Los Angeles Times was not good enough so the guest judge is Eva Longoria-Don't-Forget-I'm-Married-Damn-It-Parker.

Logan made a pretty dress. It was very simple but the pattern was nice and I like it.

Nicolas made a bad dress. I don't know how he thought he could be in the top three.

Christopher made another dress with a dramatic full skirt. I don't think that silhouette is very creative but it definitely worked for this challenge. The skirt looked fluffy and moved beautifully and this was a contender for the win.

Ra'mon made a two-piece look with a really pretty pattern. It was decent but definitely the middle of the pack.

Epperson kind of blew it. I liked the kimono-inspired sleeves but the dress was just too stiff and the choice of newsprint was not good.

Johnny made the most beautiful dress ever! But that's not the dress he sent down the runway, of course, because Tim ruined that one.

Gordana made a very cute dress that in no way deserved to be in the bottom three.

Carol Hannah made a dramatic gown that looked like it was made out of crepe paper instead of newspaper. She didn't take advantage of the newsprint, which I think was a mistake.

Shirin made a dress that might have been cute if it didn't look like an imitation of dresses we've already seen. (I realize this was filmed a long time ago but wouldn't she have at least seen Leanne's clothes?)

Irina made an adorable trench coat with imitation faux-fur collar and cuffs. I love the pockets. Very cute!

Althea created an amazing pattern on her dress using the newsprint. I was not crazy about the shape or the fit but the pattern was beautiful enough to get her into the top three.

Louise made a dress that was not very successful, in my opinion. And the styling made Fatma look like Mini Mouse. How this was better than Gordana's dress is beyond me.

The top three are Althea, Irina, and Christopher.

All the judges love Irina's coat. We think:

Tommy Hilfiger: "It's like a bunch a famous designers met at a bar in the 1970s."

Irina: "Thank you! Wait ... what?"

Irina wins! Congratulations, Irina!

The bottom three are Gordana, Nicolas, and Johnny.

Gordana is called out because her dress is wearable:

Heidi: "Don't you remember when we specifically told you to make something unwearable?"

No, I guess we missed that part. Look, I'm totally with the judges most weeks in picking interesting over wearable. But this week there were other safe looks that were just as boring as Gordana's but apparently they were safe because they were both boring AND unwearable.

The judges question Johnny:

Heidi: "Johnny, what the hell is up with this piece of crap?"

Johnny explains how amazing his first dress was:

Johnny: "I'm not making excuses but my completely imaginary first dress was so beautiful you would have died."

Tommy Hilfiger: "So there was a better dress but then you showed us this instead? Well, in that case you should win!"

Johnny: "Thank you!"

Tommy Hilfiger: "I was being sarcastic. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you are a recovering meth addict."

Eva Longoria-Look-At-My-Wedding-Ring-Parker: "Tommy would know a meth addict when he sees one."

Johnny is out. Tim gives his coldest goodbye ever:

Tim: "Johnny, your spectacular talent is a threat to humanity. Please leave."

In model news, Emarie is out, which causes Ebony to have a freaking breakdown. Seriously, you would think Emarie had died. Like she's going to that great Arby's commercial in the sky.

The models claim that they put on these paper dresses and weren't allowed to sit, eat, pee, or breathe for about eight hours, which seems unlikely.

Heidi tells the models a totally random story about wearing a snake:

Heidi: "It was nicht sehr schön."

Heidi, some of these girls think Mexico is "overseas." They don't know what you are talking about.

Fatma is making completely reasonable comments about how weird Americans are, which of course bothers the easily bothered Vanessa:

Vanessa: "If Fatma likes Africa so much, why doesn't she move there?"

Next week the designers will have to choose different models! Drama!

Well, that was an exciting episode! I've never seen Tim so annoyed:

Tim: "I am positively perplexed by that preposterous peddling of pablum."

You said it, Tim.

Tim: "Also, I am truly troubled by these terribly tortured tales of tribulation."

OK, that's enough.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Four: Leave the Designing to the Professionals!

Last week Ra'mon won and Mitchell went home:

Mitchell: "I'm going home with a smile on my face."

But you're not smiling.

Mitchell: "Yes, I am. See? I'm smiling."

No, you still aren't smiling.

Mitchell: "Are you sure? I feel like I'm smiling."

Maybe you're smiling on the inside.

Mitchell: "No. I'm pretty sure I'm crying on the inside."

In model news, Fatma has an announcement:

Fatma: "Now the designers realize this is about more than just money. It's about loyalty."

Exactly! That's what this show is all about! it's not about clothes or exciting challenges or teamwork or any of that; it's all about model loyalty.

Meanwhile, back on earth, we start this week with Logan completely absent:

Logan: "I had my shirt on so the camera crew told me I couldn't be in the shot."

Well, I hope you've learned a valuable lesson.

This week the designers will be working for 13 women. Who are these mystery women? Could they be homeless Eskimos?

So close. But no, it's just their models. The designers are very relieved. They shouldn't be. As we learned in season one, most models have the design sense of a crack whore. Well, there's always a chance these models are better. Still, I'd rather design for a homeless Eskimo.

They will be designing an eye-catching look for the models to wear to an industry event. The designers take this to mean cocktail wear.

Johnny thinks designing for his model will be easy:

Johnny: "I'll just design the dress that I would wear if I were black and slightly less effeminate."

Epperson's model is very demanding:

Model: "I want a sexy conservative floor-length mini-skirt that is loose but very tight."

And Shirin's model is just plain insane:

Model: "I want a low V-neck in the back and I want a cocktail dress that makes me look like a superhero in drag."

Christopher is making an awful drop-waisted cocktail dress in puke green satin.

Qristyl is making something that looks . . . what's the word?

Tim: "Pardon my French, but it looks messy. It kills me to use that word, Qristyl, but it's the truth."

Logan is making a Smurf prom dress with black lace over teal satin.

Tim: "Don't ever say 'Smurf prom dress' in my presence!"


Carol Hannah is robbing youth from her model. And giving it to the elderly. She's like the Robin Hood of youth.

Tim leaves the design room:

Tim: "I'm sending in your models. Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. But if you do, make sure to give me all the juicy details."

Epperson decides this would be the perfect time to break down sobbing so he calls and talks to his children.

It's the day of the runway show and Logan is not going to make the same mistake twice. As Johnny grabs some popcorn and watches the show, Logan does some shirtless modeling to get some camera time:

The camera lingers lovingly on his glistening torso, panning slowly from his perfectly-toned chest, hesitating ever so slightly at his tiny waist, and finally coming to rest on his metallic jeans that are so tight it looks like his ass has been bronzed, which, by the way, it should be.

Logan: "I'm hoping these jeans will distract the judges."

I'm sorry. Distract them from what?

Logan: "My awful dress."

Right! Dresses! That's why we're here! I knew that!

On to the runway:

Heidi: "Hello designers. None of our judges bothered showing up this week. Instead we have Marc Bouwer, Zoe Glassner, and our guest judge Jennifer Rade."

Qristyl made a black dress that couldn't have been less eye-catching if she had tried.

Nicolas made a white satin sheath with grey trim and a high neck. It's nice but I don't like the fit at the bust.

Irina made a dress in a beautiful print and paired it with a black jacket. Love that fabric!

Gordana made a short tan dress with long sleeves and a braided panel down the front. Adorable!

Shirin made a blue dress. It's oppressively boring.

Logan made a . . . sorry, I was completely distracted by his pants. What were we talking about?

Christopher made . . . wow, Logan's pants are so shiny . . .

Epperson made another brown/black dress with strips of fabric sewn on to it. It's very nice but does he do anything else?

Johnny dressed his model as an eggplant.

Althea's model has really bouncy breasts. I don't know what she was wearing.

Louise made a little black dress with a huge ruffled collar. Fatma is completely insane but she's one hell of a model. She really looked like she loved that dress. We find out later during the model show that the dress had much more detail than we saw on the runway.

Ra'mon made an awful blue dress with a huge blue flower pasted on the front. Talk about Smurf prom dresses.

Tim: "I told you NOT to talk about Smurf prom dresses!"


Carol Hannah made a black skirt with a purple asymmetrical top. I don't love it.

Logan is at the bottom:

Guest Judge: "Logan, I think I speak for everyone when I say that you have an amazing ass. We were all distracted by your silver pants but, unfortunately, not enough to miss the fact that your outfit looks like a Smurf prom dress."

Tim: "Stop saying that!"

Johnny is also at the bottom:

Guest Judge: "Johnny, we wish we had been distracted by your pants so we wouldn't have had to look at your dress."

Qristyl is the third designer at the bottom this week. Qristyl's dress ages her model, Valerie, who is already very old in dog years. Valerie likes the dress.

Guest Judge: "Well, that's why Valerie is not a designer. Thank god."

Wow, this guest judge is a total bitch! I hope they ask her back!

The top three are Althea, Carol Hanna, and Epperson.

Althea wins! Congratulations, Althea! Personally, I didn't love the execution of this outfit but the concept was good.

Qristyl is out. Sorry Qristyl. I'm sorry to see her go but she had several weeks to bring it and it just wasn't brought.

Moments before/Meanwhile/Later at the industry event:

We learn that the models all feel responsible for the outcomes of this challenge. Which is probably because it was entirely their fault.

Heidi shows up at the models' apartment, claims to have decorated the place, and searches the refrigerator:

Heidi: "Do you have any wiener schnitzel? I could really go for some wiener schnitzel."

Valerie and Kojii, the bottom two models, don't wear their designers' dresses to the party. I don't think either of those dresses was bad enough to not wear to a model party. Qristyl's dress was boring but perfectly fine and Logan's dress was a bit much but not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. In fact, I thought Logan's dress was almost cute and certainly less embarrassing than some of the other dresses (I'm looking at you, Christopher, Shirin, and Ra'mon). But, of course, I was distracted by his pants so my judgement could be impaired.

Johnny's model, however, decides to wear his dress and styles it with a big belt and makes it look approximately a million times better.

Valerie gets booked at the party but, unfortunately, she's out again. She was the glue that held that place together. It will only be a matter of days before the models' apartment devolves into total anarchy and they resort to cannibalism.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Three: Life's a Beach (and then you have to make an avant garde look)!

Last week Malvin was out and Shirin won. And Mitchell, we're just not buying it. Darling.

In model news, Valerie was out but now she's back, the models all love Mitchell all of a sudden, and Fatma threatened to punch Vanessa in the face:

Fatma: "It's just a figure of speech. Gee, some people are so sensitive."

Exactly! It's perfectly normal to say you're going to punch someone in the face. It isn't meant literally. It's just like when people say "get out of here" when they mean "you're kidding" or when they say "I want to hit Daniel Franco in the nuts" when they find something annoying. It's just an expression.

We start the episode with Logan wearing a shirt. What's up with that? Well, don't worry; we'll get a shot of him with his shirt off later in the episode. It will be brief but it will fulfill the federally-mandated weekly minimum requirement of hot shirtless designers.

The designers meet Heidi at the runway, obviously for model selection but we don't get to see any of that. Heidi tells them it's time for another field trip. Something to do with Southern California. She gives us a hint:

Heidi: "Don't forget your crack pipes!"

Ooh, they must be going to the beach!

Sure enough, they take a helicopter ride over the Santa Monica pier and meet Tim, who is wearing a thong with a blazer:

Tim: "Just feel that breeze!"

After Christopher tells us that he's never seen the sun before because he's from Minnesota, Tim explains that beachwear was invented in Southern California and now, thanks to Starbucks and the Internet, you can find people in beachwear all over the world.

Tim: "Now, looking like a bum isn't just for the homeless!"

OK, so Tim also delivers the news that the designers will be working in teams. The designers proceed to completely lose their shit:


Shirin picks Carol Hannah
Logan picks Christopher
Nicolas picks Gordana
Mitchell picks Ra'mon
Althea picks Louise
Qristyl picks Epperson
Johnny gets Irina

They're all screwed.

They talk to some surfer girls:

Surfer Girl: "So, like, I went to the Galleria? And I was all, oh, my god, like, I am so sure, like, gag me with a spoon?"

Oh, wait. That was a Valley girl. My mistake. Let's try that again:

Surfer Girl: "So, like, I went to Southcoast Plaza? And I was all, oh, my god, like, I am so sure, like, gag me with a spoon?"

That's better. Anyway, the designers learn absolutely nothing from the surfer girls, other than the fact that people sometimes wear bathing suits to the beach and they like to be comfortable. Like, duh.

The designers only have fifteen minutes to shop at Mood:

Qristyl: "AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Nicolas is making an hombre out of macrame:

Nicolas: "Can you say that a million times?"

No. Why would anyone even say that once?

I can't figure out what the problem is with Qristyl and Epperson. Obviously, they don't work well together but it's hard to tell why:

Epperson: "We need to make sure the pattern is going the same way."

Qristyl: "Maybe you're used to talking to other women like that but it's not going to work with me!"

Epperson: "Hey! You leave my mother out of this!"

Seriously, what are they arguing about? It does seem a little bit like Epperson is bossing Qristyl around. However, it also seems like she snaps at him every time he says anything. So it's hard to tell. But, since we haven't seen Epperson interact with anybody else on the show and Qristyl seems to get along with everyone, I'm going to go ahead and say it's all Epperson's fault.

Tim delivers a message from Heidi:

Tim: "I had nothing to do with this. In addition to your beach-bum look, you will also need to create an avant garde look, which we all know doesn't actually mean anything. Good luck."

This challenge makes no sense to me. And the designers all think "avant garde" means "ridiculous." But the important thing is that Garnier will be doing the hair.

Major model drama! Carol Hanna's model, Erika, had a terrible waxing accident and will not be able to wear a swimsuit! So Malvin's eliminated model, Valerie, comes back to take her place.

On to the runway. Michael Kors is still out being dry cleaned so he is being replaced this week by Max Azria. Also, the guest judge this week is some woman. Really, I don't have the strength to figure out who she is.

Qristyl and Epperson's beach look is fine but I really don't know where you would wear it. The avant garde look is a big piece of crap. It consisted of a kinda cute one-piece bathing suit with bright green fabric just barfed up all over it for no reason.

Johnny and Irina's beach look is really cute. The macrame detail is possibly a little too subtle but it's a great look. The avant garde look is OK. The big weaving detail picks up nicely from the macrame of the other piece.

Mitchell and Ra'mon's beach look is really uninspired. It's very pretty flowing fabric. Big deal. The avant garde look is nice. I don't love it as much as the judges do. I agree that it's wearable but I don't know what's so avant garde about it.

Shirin and Carol Hannah's beach look was a bathing suit with a wrap. It was fine. Their avant garde look was just an over-the-top evening gown. They may have worked well together but the results were not great.

Althea and Louise's beach look was pretty adorable. Their avant garde look was, again, not very avant garde but it was good. They could have been at the top.

Nicolas and Gordana's beach look was fantastic. The macrame top was beautiful and the wrap pant was very cool, though it might have worked better as shorts. Nicolas could have won with this look. Unfortunately, he also designed another look. Jesus H. Christ. Gordana should have brought down the iron curtain on his ass and stopped that look from happening.

Logan and Christopher were fine. The beach look was a little boring and the avant garde look was only interesting because it was huge. Both looks were well executed but they didn't excite me.

Johnny and Irina and Mitchell and Ra'mon are the top two teams:

Mitchell: "Ra'mon did most of it."

Ra'mon: "I can't believe he said that after I did most of the work."

Jeez, Ra'mon, Mitchell just admitted that you did most of the work. Why rub it in?

Ra'mon: "Well, I just want to make it perfectly clear that Mitchell did absolutely nothing."

Yeah, we get it! But Mitchell isn't arguing with you so let it go.

Gordana, on the other hand, is a great teammate:

Gordana: "Yes, that avant garde look is hideous but you have to give Nicolas credit for that amazing organza collar."

If the model had been buried alive in organza it wouldn't have saved that look. But it was very nice of her to say.

Ra'mon wins! Congratulations, Ra'mon! He did a good job, though he could have been a little more gracious to his useless teammate.

We have a Project Runway first:

Heidi: "For the first time in Project Runway history, we will be using a sports metaphor! Three strikes and you're out, Mitchell!"

Mitchell: "Are you sure that's the first time?"

Heidi: "No."

As Mitchell gives Qristyl a hug, the guest judge whispers something:

Max Azria: "That Mitchell is pure evil."