Saturday, October 29, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Finale Part II, otherwise known as the Finale!

Other Eric: "That's it. I'm never watching this show again. Until next season."

Yeah. Well, that finale was a perfectly appropriate ending to this season.

Zanna Roberts Rossi: "You mean because it was the most exciting season in Project Runway history?"

You know what, Zanna? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. I really like your sparkly silver dress, though.

So last time all four designers were sent through to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. The girls wonder if the boys are really happy for them. They aren't. The boys think they have a 25% chance of winning. They don't. They bid farewell to the Hudson and head to the design room, where Tim gives them a sob story:

Tim: "The critiques by the judges hurt me more that they hurt you. It was like the judges slapped me in the face. No, actually, it was worse than that. Remember when Liza Minnelli's boyfriend threw battery acid in her face in Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon, and she had to move in with an epileptic and a homosexual in a wheelchair because she was an outcast from society? That's how I feel."

Designers: "Is that what you came to tell us?"

Tim: "Oh, I'm sorry, no. I wanted to say that Viktor, I liked your jacket over your gown even though the judges didn't, Kimberly, I liked your accessories even though the judges didn't, Josh, I liked your weird catsuit even though the judges didn't, and Anya, you look very pretty. I hope that makes you all feel better."

The designers get 30 minutes and $500 to make improvements to their collections. Kimberly decides to remake her bubble skirt in black, Josh decides to alter his catsuit, Anya decides to make even more print dresses, and Viktor decides to get rid of everything good in his collection and replace it with crap.

The designers go to Mood and Viktor explains what he's looking for:

Viktor: "I'm looking for sheer fabric. Sheer means it looks like it's covered but it's not because you can see through it."

Yes, thank you for clearing that up.

They go to Garnier and L'Oreal:

Anya: "My models looked too done. I want them to look easy, breezy ..."

Collier Strong: "Don't say it!"

Anya: "Covergirl."

Collier: "GET OUT!"

Josh explains what he wants:

Josh: "Yeah, it was yeah, so just yeah ... Yeah!"

Collier: "I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking mascara."

Josh: "No, thanks. I'm already wearing mascara."

Collier: "Not for you. For your models."

Josh: "oh. right. I keep forgetting that other people exist."

Back in the work room Josh has a meltdown for no reason and Anya says her goodbyes:

Anya: "I wish my collection were better so that when I win it will feel more like I deserve it."

Tim: "That's what we all wish for, Anya."

Tim makes his final rounds and starts saying bizarre things:

Tim: "Joshua, I think your style is sophisticated and elegant and I see your client eating at the Four Seasons."

Josh: "Tim's hallucinating! He may be having a stroke! Call 911!"

We get shots of the designers putting the finishing touches on their collections: Kimberly is putting in zippers and waistbands, Anya is making an entirely new collection, and Viktor is repairing the Brother sewing machines and flossing his teeth. But not at the same time. Because that would be gross.

The designers walk to Lincoln Center:

Kimberly: "It's anybody's game at this point."

Except that Anya is going to win.

Kimberly: "Well, yes, obviously."

The designers try to get ready for the show but Kimberly can't find her sewing kit. Clearly the producers stole it so she wouldn't win. The producer manipulation this season is so blatant! Anyway, Anya lets Kimberly use her sewing kit. Take that, producers!

Meanwhile, Josh can't believe people are sewing models into dresses right before a fashion show, because THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!:

Josh: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Josh storms out of Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week.

The guest judge is L'Wren Scott, a major fashion designer I've never heard of.

We start with Kimberly. Maybe I went into this with low expectations, but I really loved her runway show. The styling was much better; it even improved the first look, which was probably my least favorite. The bubble skirt looked much better with the cream jacket. And Heidi's complaint about it having poofy shoulders was completely off base. There were some great looks and they all gave off a similar vibe. But there was a lot of variety, which apparently made Michael Kors think it didn't work as a collection:

Michael: "A collection should just be the same look repeated over and over."

Well, then I think you're going to love one of the upcoming collections!

I also liked Josh's collection more than I thought I would. There were a few really nice pieces. I wish he had done more with the neoprene and less with the plastic, which looked gimmicky and painful. The black billowy dresses were kind of ugly. The neon-green shorts were super-unattractive:

Nina: "The green shorts looked terrible on the runway, but they looked great in photographs. And the only important thing about clothes is that they photograph well."

Viktor messed up. After last week, I was rooting for him to win. But I think he went to Fashion Week with a winning collection and then edited it into a losing collection. The prints and the tailored pieces were really great. But he took out some of the most beautiful pieces and replaced them with really tacky black sheer looks. His collection could have survived a couple of those looks, but not five. He says it doesn't matter because winning would have just been the cherry on his sundae. Well, I really hope he's happy with that ice cream because he lost his cherry:

Viktor: "Excuse me?"

Sorry. You know what I mean.

Anya's collection was nice. I liked most of the pieces. I do think she has a great eye for prints and she could probably have a very successful resort-wear label. But the looks all blurred together. There was a little bit of variety, but not enough to prevent it from feeling like you were looking at the same dress in different fabrics.

The designers are asked why they should win:

Anya: "I demonstrated tenacity and I have a distinct point of view."

Josh: "I learned to edit and I have a distinct point of view."

Viktor: "I'm passionate and I have a distinct point of view."

Kimberly: "Point of view, point of view, point of view, point of view."

The judges have a long chat:

Heidi: "We all know point of view is the most important thing in fashion, and all four designers just told us they have distinct ones. In fact, the one thing their points of view all have in common is how distinct they are. How could we possible choose?"

Michael: "Well, Kimberly isn't going to win."

Heidi: "That goes without saying."

Nina: "Kimberly makes great clothes, has a very clear style that is under-represented in the market, and would have a huge potential audience. Obviously she's just not ready."

What about Anya? They are impressed that she waited until the last minute to create her collection:

Michael: "I love that she is such a procrastinator!"

L'Wren: "Yeah, that's exactly how the fashion industry works: we sit around doing nothing for months and then create collections in two days!"

Heidi announces the winner:

Heidi: "Designers, there are many losers today, but only one of you can be the winner!"

Anya wins. Oh, calm down, you knew it going to happen.

OK, so I really liked Kimberly's collection and it would have been really exciting if she had won. But if something exciting had happened on this show I probably would have dropped dead of a heart attack. So I guess it's for the best. If Viktor had knocked it out of the park like he should have, I would have been upset about him not winning. But he didn't knock it out of the park. And Josh's collection was probably more interesting than Anya's, but there were also some really ugly pieces, so I can't say I really wanted him to win, either. So, there you go; Anya's collection wasn't my favorite, but I liked the individual looks. I don't think anyone else was robbed. So congratulations, Anya!

But what if Anya didn't even make those clothes? What if the real designer was actually Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford? It's a perfectly legitimate theory that deserves as much attention as any other.

Thanks for reading! See you in 2012 for All Stars!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Finale, Part One, The End of Time!

This episode brought to you by the new Ford TARDIS:

Tim Gunn: "It's bigger on the inside!"

That's right! Tim travels through space and time to make home visits to the designers and check on their progress. They had nine thousand dollars and five weeks to create ten looks. To me that seems extravagant after having to make two looks a day for one hundred dollars, but they still complain. There's just no pleasing some people.

First, Tim sets out for White Plains, Maryland, to visit Kimberly:

Tim: "That's interesting. I didn't know there were active volcanoes in Maryland."

I don't think you are in Maryland, Tim! I think you accidentally ended up in Pompeii in 79 AD!

Tim: "oh, crap"

Tim manages to escape and he resets his GPS for White Plains:

Kimberly: "Finally! I've been waiting for you for twelve years! Well, come on in."

Kimberly tells us she was influenced by the Brooklyn of her youth:

Kimberly: "Not the fancy Brooklyn of today, but way back before it became gentrified in May of 2006."

Tim: "Oh, yeah, I remember the day that happened."

Anyway, Tim offers to take Kimberly back to a pre-gentrified Brooklyn so she can experience it firsthand, she says there is no chance she's getting into that deathtrap of a time machine, and then they sit down for a meal of fish fingers and custard, which is much better than it sounds.

Then Tim visits Anya in Trinidad, where he is, of course, overdressed:

Tim: "Bow ties are cool."

Anya: "No, they aren't. You look like a dork."

Anya tells us about her inspiration:

Anya: "I was inspired by our beautiful sister island of Tobago."

Tim: "Why not Trinidad?"

Anya: "I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but if I'm being honest, Trinidad is a total shithole compared to Tobago."

Tim: "Yeah, it is. So tell me about the progress on your collection."

Anya: "I have all my fabric picked out, so I'm set!"

Tim: "Perfect. Once you get to New York there will be plenty of time to have the other designers construct your garments for you."

Finally, Tim visits New York in the 1990s, where he finds Viktor and Josh passed out on the floor of a bar:

Viktor: "It's Josh's fault!"

Tim: "I don't care whose fault it is! Get back to 2011 and finish your collections!"

The designers all get these blue envelopes with notes telling them to meet at the penthouse of the Hudson Hotel in the middle of the desert in Utah. They start putting together three looks to show to the judges because Heidi tells us that only three of them will be going to Fashion Week. We've been led on before, but this time she just flat out lies to us.

Tim makes his rounds. Viktor's jacket is everything, Kimberly is all over the place, Anya is a huge disappointment, and Josh just makes Tim want to weep. Time for the judging!

For some reason the designers are not given time to fit the clothes on the models, so they basically have to pick whatever fits. The benefit of the pre-judging sessions that we've gotten the past few seasons is that the designers have a chance to improve their collections and styling before the real finale. The downside is that the judges and the audience see what should be the best of the collections, which really takes away some of the excitement from the final runway shows.

Maybe instead of the pre-judging Tim could give them more complete critiques, or maybe that woman from Piperlime could stand by the accessory wall shouting "No shoes for you!" if she sees a designer tempted to match the color of a clog to her royal blue pant.

Anyway, Viktor showed three excellent looks and I'm back to thinking he should win. The fabric was great, the jacket was beautiful, the pants were nice. I didn't love the long train of fabric on the dress, but I kind of liked the idea of that jacket over it, just because it was a little unexpected. And I liked the zippered leather skirt, but I would have liked to have seen the zippers zipped to different lengths, which seemed to be the point of it.

Josh's first separates look was good. I liked his weird vintage fabric that made Tim want to commit suicide. I didn't like his little black dress. His third look was so awful I almost liked it. It was a dress in front and a body suit in back. It was certainly different, and I'm a big fan of different. Unfortunately, it was also really ugly. But he showed us enough to clearly be in the top with Viktor.

Kimberly was a mess. The best thing I can say is that the garments looked finished. The colors were garish, the matching shoes were horrendous, the black gown was fine but completely boring, and the first look was so unmemorable I can't even describe it. The only interesting thing was the pink bubble-butt skirt, and even that was ruined by the styling and by the fact that she actually said someone could wear it to the office!

Anya was also a mess. Her first dress was great; that perfect Anya combination of casual and sophisticated. The other two looks were complete disasters; a black swim suit and a dull-gold satin gown that looked like no effort had gone into it. Both Anya and Kimberly suffered from the fact that they weren't able to show the pieces they wanted to because of fitting issues, but even if these were the worst looks in their collections, it was still inexcusable.

So which was worse, Anya's or Kimberly's? Well, it doesn't matter because they are both going on to Fashion Week.

So, you know how this whole season has been a massive waste of time? Well, nothing compares to the waste of time that was this episode. We ended up in the exact same place we were when we started. We still have the same four designers going to Fashion Week. It's like we're stuck in time BUT WE'RE ALL STILL GETTING OLDER!

Tim: "Actually, time isn't stuck. Time is dying. All space and time is coexisting at once, which is why there is a pet pterodactyl at Mood and Winston Churchill is the surprise guest judge for the finale. But don't worry, I think I know how to jump-start time and save the universe."

Tune is next week to see if Tim managed to jump-start time and bring the season to an end, or if we have to keep watching the same four designers compete over and over again forever.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 12: Governors Island!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful challenge
That started from Manhattan
Aboard a regular-sized ferry.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sale that day
For a two-day challenge.

The weather started getting rough,
The ferry was getting tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
Someone might have spilled a cocktail,
Someone might have spilled a cocktail.

The ship set ground on the shore of this 
charted Upper Bay Isle

With Gilligan (the star of the show)

The Skipper too (the lovable grump)

The Millionaire (Thurston Howell, III)

And his wife (the debutante, Lovey Wentworth Howell)

The movie star (Ginger, The high-maintenance narcissist)

The professor (obviously)

And Mary Ann (the girl next door)

Here on Governors Isle!

So, yes, in this exciting episode, the designers get shipwrecked on Governors Island. Will they ever be rescued? Do you really care? Anyway, they have to survive on the island using nothing but their wits. Oh, they also have expensive digital cameras, catered food, and Brother sewing machines made out of coconuts. But other than that, they are completely without modern conveniences. Well, except for the golf carts:

The designers drive around the island in their bamboo golf carts taking pictures of all the Mark di Suvero sculptures that have washed up on shore. The Professor tells them that they will be creating three-piece mini collections and that they will be competing in a beauty pageant to pick Miss Castaway.

After the designers start working, the Professor makes an announcement:

Professor: "Castaways, please gather 'round. There has been another shipwreck and now you have some help to complete your collections. In addition to the Skipper, who will be assisting Gilligan, we also have Anthony Ryan, who will be assisting Mrs. Howell, Becky, who will be assisting Mary Ann, Olivier, who will be assisting Mr. Howell, and Bryce, who will be assisting Ginger."

What are the odds of two shipwrecks in one challenge?

Professor: "Oh, there's just been another shipwreck! It's the Harlem Globetrotters!"

Of course it is.

We hear from the designers:

Mrs. Howell: "I love spending money. I love the finer things in life. You know, there really is more to beauty than perfection of face and figure. It also means breeding and poise and a kind of charm that comes with maturity. I should win this beauty pageant."

Mr. Howell: "Oh, Lovey, I think you are the most gorgeous woman on the planet. These other contestants don't even know how to construct a jacket. How can you have a mini collection without a jacket? The other members of the country club would be just appalled."

Skipper: "Gilligan is always coming up with these crazy ideas for these complicated dresses, but doesn't even know how to sew! I'm always cleaning up my little buddy's messes!"

Ginger: "I am not doing a reunion movie! This show ruined my career! Oh, and I'm actually a very sweet, kind person. It's just that nobody can tell because I hide my niceness behind a wall of yelling at people."

Harlem Globetrotters: "You shouldn't have to explain to people that you are a nice person. This is actually a very important life lesson that can best be explained through the art of basketball."

We watch a basketball game that makes us all better people. And then we have world peace.

Now it's time for the runway show:

Wow! Keep in mind that runway is made entirely out of dried fish. Let's see the looks:

Josh's three piece collection is bad. The little white dress with the black net yolk is fine but the other two pieces are just not good. He chooses this really shiny fabric that just looks cheap:

Kimberly chokes. Her silver dress is really nice, but her separates look is not great and the judges think her coat is a little shapeless:

Laura is a complete disaster. Nothing works:

Anya blows me away. Each look is good. The three looks together are great. Sorry, Viktor, but I'm on Team Anya now:

Viktor bored the hell out of me with his three looks. But, obviously, they are very sellable:

The judges shoot poison darts at the contestants they don't like:

Then the contestants tell us why they should win the beauty pageant:

Ginger: "Thank you. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you wonderful people for allowing me to be in this wonderful contest. It really is a wonderful experience, and it just makes a girl feel wonderful."

Michael Kors: "Wonderful!"

Ginger: "Second of all, I'd like to thank all of you marvelous people for allowing me to be in this marvelous contest. It really is a marvelous experience and makes a girl feel marvelous."

Michael Kors: "Marvelous!"

Ginger: "Thirdly..."

Professor: "Thank you, Ginger. Your time is up. Now let's hear from Mary Ann. Please tell us in your own sweet, charming, unrehearsed way what it is that you want most out of life."

Mary Ann: "I would like a world without strife, with universal harmony and international goodwill, where the spirit of brotherhood enriches all of mankind forever."

Mr. Howell: "How revolting."

Mrs. Howell: "I'm not going to make an unrehearsed speech or a speech that's wonderful and marvelous. I would just like for Michael Kors to think about his mother and America and apple pie and do the right thing."

The judges pick a gorilla as Miss Castaway:

Why? Because the other contestants were not born on the island and were, therefore, disqualified.

Josh: "I can't believe I lost to a gorilla! And to a gorilla that doesn't even have range! This is an outrage!"

So the gorilla wins and will be going to Fashion Week, along with Anya, Viktor, Josh, and Kimberly.

Laura is out.

On the after the runway show, we learn two things:

First of all Nick Verrios, my pretend best friend slash arch enemy, asked Olivier about his accent. The rest of us already knew the answer to this because Laura Kluvo on Blogging Project Runway had already gotten an explanation when she interviewed Olivier a few weeks ago. The answer is that he spent most of his childhood in Taiwan. I can tell you this is a typical Taiwanese accent because I spent the first six months of my life in Taiwan. When I moved back to the United States I was teased mercilessly by the other babies, who claimed that I was crying in a phony South African accent. Babies can be so mean!

The second thing we learned is that Kimberly is really annoyed at Laura for saying she doesn't like her clothes. She doesn't seem to want to let it go. Well, I have a private message for Kimberly:

Kimberly, if Laura says she doesn't like your clothes, TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT!

Friday, October 07, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 11: For the Birds!

In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled "The Birds," a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by flocks of the winged creatures.

People laughed.

In 1978, when a high-level government experiment goes terribly awry, a group of giant mutated tomatoes rolled through suburbia on a spree of mayhem and murder.

No one is laughing now.

Yeah, so don't get too comfortable. The episode starts with Tim introducing L'Oreal Makeup Tsar Collier Strong:

Collier: "L'Oreal has just come out with a new line of makeup inspired by heirloom tomatoes. What? Like that's any more ridiculous than a line of makeup inspired by an owl?"

Don't get so defensive. I think it sounds like a great idea.

Laura and Anya will be designing for a Purple Cherokee tomato.

Bert and Josh will be designing for a Green Zebra tomato.

Viktor and Kimberly will be designing for a Yellow Valencia tomato. Ooh, fancy!

As usual, Bert is not happy with the challenge:

Bert: "I hate that tomato. It just looks cheap and tacky."

The exciting part of this challenge is that the designers will be competing head to head and have a chance to win $20,000.

Josh tells us that he really needs the money because he has $100,000 in student loans. I hope he has a law degree from Harvard, because otherwise that's ridiculous.

Kimberly is having a bad day. She makes a really ugly dress and then she accidentally runs over it with her car and sets it on fire. Then she sews over her finger and her fabric gets stained:

Josh, the fabric whisperer, licks the fabric to try to figure out what the fabric wants to do:

Josh: "Wait a minute! That's not blood! It's tomato juice!"


The designers notice a small tomato scurrying along the edge of the design room. They start screaming and jumping up on the tables to get away from it.

Anya: "Don't worry. Killing tomatoes was my pageant talent."

She squashes the tomato with her shoe. It's very impressive.

Josh asks Anya if he can have some fabric. She doesn't want to help him at this point in the competition. Joshua, Viktor, and Kimberly think Anya has received so much help from the other designers that she should be happy to help them when they need something:

Anya: "But giving fabric is more tangible help than giving advice."

Joshua: "My hundred thousand dollar education is tangible! Stand next to me; you can feel it!"

Anya: "Look, without me saving your asses from that tomato, you would all be spaghetti sauce right now!"

At the last minute Kimberly makes a new dress out of polyester lining fabric. Anya has to decapitate her model and then sew her head back on because she forgot to add a zipper to her dress. And Viktor accuses everyone of copying him. Just like every episode.

Tim enters the design room and makes an announcement:

Tim: "I just want you to know we're all counting on you."

No, that's the wrong movie.

Tim: "Oh, sorry. So, remember when I told you to make a second look?"

I think I forgot to mention that.

Tim: "For crying out loud! What kind of recap are you running here? Anyway, the designers had to make a second look inspired by their tomatoes. Well, the exciting second twist is that they will only be showing one of the two looks they made!"

That's a surprising twist! That's actually kind of frickin' brilliant.

Tim: "Right?"

So the designers pick the one look they want and then the L'Oreal and Garnier people make the models look like drag queens from the 1980s and then the fashion show starts.

The guest judge is Francisco Costa, who seems like a LOT of fun:

Francisco Costa: "Stop joking around. This is very, very serious."

The top three are Anya, Josh, and Kimberly. Anya made an avant garde look. That's right, finally something avant garde! It poofed out at the abdomen, which wasn't great, and normally Michael Kors would have said that "no woman wants to look pregnant when she isn't," but it really was a pretty great look. Josh made a beautiful draped dress. I thought it was better than anything Rami Kashou had ever done, and when it comes to draping, that's saying something. I think it could have won the challenge if he hadn't stuck the most godawful feather corsage on the shoulder. He managed to ruin one of the best dresses I've seen in a long time. Still, it's the best thing he's ever done and almost makes me glad he wasn't sent home last week.

Anya wins!

Michael Kors: "You really thought outside the box!"

Francisco Costa: "It's so light and refreshing!"

Nina Garcia: "I love that there's vodka in it!"

The bottom three are Laura, Bert, and Viktor. Viktor is only there by default, because the judges were so impressed that Kimberly managed to make anything at all after that boulder fell on her and she had to cut off her own arm.

So it's down to Laura and Bert:

Laura: "Two beauty queens, head to head."

Right. Bert's was clearly worse. But I thought the judges might keep him just because he does occasionally do something interesting, unlike Laura, who is pretty consistently not so good.

Bert is out. Sorry Bert. I was actually a fan again.

Nina Garcia: "It's just too literal."

Francisco Costa: "It doesn't have exuberance."

Michael Kors: "It looks like what would happen if a tomato moved to Las Vegas, lost all its money at roulette, got made into soup, and became a hooker."

But wait! There's more! Just when you were thinking an hour and a half wasn't long enough, they thoughtfully added another half hour show! My prayers have been answered! I DIDN'T EVER ACTUALLY WANT TO GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT!

Zanna Roberts Rassi: "Hi, welcome to the show! I'm not Andy Cohen!"

Well, yes, there is that.

Zanna: "OK, we don't have much time so let's start complaining about Anya, since she isn't here."

Yeah, where is she?

Zanna: "That's enough. It's time to bring out Anya so we can all feel uncomfortable."

Anya makes a dramatic entrance and is very gracious:

Anya: "I completely understand why everyone is mad at me. It doesn't feel at all like you are ganging up on me."

Zanna: "Now it's time for a segment we call 'Clearing the Air,' where the designers start saying something and then I interrupt them and say we are out of time."

That sounds like a stupid ...

Zanna: "Sorry, we're out of time. But before we go, Laura Benett is here to ask Josh a question."

Laura Bennett: "Josh, the viewers would like to know why you are such an asshole."

Josh: "Thank you for coming and asking me that question. Now, take your Harry Winstons and stick them up your nose."

Zanna: "Now it's time for the part of the show we call 'Josh Storms Out of the Room.'"

Josh storms out of the room.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 10: The Project Runway Bunch!

This episode was another group challenge, but it's one of those group challenges where each designer makes a completely separate look. Try not to think about it. Actually, they have to make two looks. But what will inspire them this time?

Heather Archibald, from Piperlime: "Our customer is very into trends. Trends are really trending right now."

Tim: "I'm wondering if you realize that that doesn't actually mean anything."

Heather: "Well, the big trend right now is that everyone wants to dress like Carol Brady. Carol Brady is the very essence of 70s casual elegance, and young people just can't get enough of her look."

The designers get a dossier on Carol Brady so they will know what to make.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Sex on a stick.

Josh: "I don't know an insane amount about Carol Brady because I was literally born yesterday."

In this exciting episode, Anya loses her Kitty Karry-All doll at Mood and she blames Josh, who just wanted to practice playing his kazoo:

Anya: "I'm telling Tim!"

Heidi: "I'm sorry honey, but Tim is golfing and, besides, we don't want to bother Tim on his day off."

All the girls take Anya's side:

Anya: "Josh hated my Kitty Karry-All!"

Laura: "It's true. He was always saying so!"

Kimberly: "We are going to get that doll back!"

Anya: "And Kitty doesn't even have her bottle. She'll starve to death!"

[insert laugh track here]

At first the boys all take Josh's side:

Bert: "Do you take the sacred pledge that you didn't steal Anya's doll?"

Josh: "I swear!"

Viktor: "He took the sacred pledge! That proves he didn't do it!"

The designers start beating the crap out of each other and then Tim comes in and breaks it up:

Tim: "We are going to search Mood from top to bottom until we find that doll!"

Tim goes into the Mood kitchen, where Michael Kors is trying to prepare dinner. He tries looking in the oven:

Michael Kors: "If I had known you wanted a doll so badly, I would have baked you one."

[insert laugh track here]

The doll still doesn't show up and the boys start turning on Josh. Nobody will play with him. Tim gives the kids a civics lesson:

Tim: "Designers, gather 'round. We have something in this country called the criminal justice system. The accused are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Then we fry those sons of bitches. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

The designers hold a mock trial with Michael Kors as the judge. The trial lasts about thirty seconds, which is just long enough for the pot roast to catch on fire:

Michael Kors: "Oh, Christ! My pot roast!"

Some of the looks this week were actually not bad. The top three and bottom three were pretty clear.

Kimberly's first look was ugly. The print for the circle top was terrible and the skirt was so not Carol Brady. The second look was a nice gray plaid suit. I liked the second look but it wasn't very well made. Kimberly is in the middle:

Kimberly: "Anya, Anya, Anya! It's always Anya! Nobody ever notices me because I'm in the middle!"

Anthony Ryan's first look is a mess. It's just a bunch of awful mismatched fabric thrown at a model. His second look is actually very 70s and I kind of like it. The print is cool. Unfortunately, it may be a little too 70s and isn't really updated at all. The judges hate it.

Bert made two pretty great looks. I'm not really sure what the first one is -- a beach coverup? Anyway, the shear print over sequins in pretty cool and his little jersey dress is adorable, if not exactly groundbreaking. He's in the top three and the judges want to sell the dress on Piperlime.

Laura made two horrible looks. She chose awful fabrics that made no sense together.

Laura: "Nina is just jealous because I'm so popular and pretty and I know she threw that football at my face on purpose."

Josh made a fabulous blinged-out Star Trek uniform and a black-and-neon dress that is totally 70s because of the length. Also, I think he stole that doll."

Josh: "I did not!"

Anya's first look is not bad for $11.50. But that's about the best thing I can say about it. I love the fabric for her second look, which is a jumpsuit. But it flares out at the hip in an unattractive way. She definitely deserves to be safe, but it wasn't as great as the judges made it out to be.

Nina: "She is so resourceful. Even though she lost her Kitty Karry-All doll, she just kept working and did her best."

Both of Viktor's looks are impeccable. The winner is obvious.

Too bad the winner wasn't obvious to the judges. They give the win to Anya because they feel bad about her doll.

Anthony Ryan is out. Sorry, Anthony Ryan!

Joshua says he wasn't alive in the 70s so he doesn't understand the Carol Brady look. The other designers delicately point out that he is an idiot:

Viktor: "I wasn't alive in the 70s either, but I've watched television."

Josh: "Yes, but not everyone is like you! I spend all my time staring into the mirror! How am I supposed to know anything about the rest of the world?"

Kimberly: "I think it is important for fashion designers to know something about the Carol Brady look."

Bert: "Yeah, that's what designing is all about -- Carol Brady. Now, just tell us where the doll is and we'll forget about the whole thing."

Josh storms out of the room, which is the only way he knows how to leave a room. He is very depressed:

He thinks really hard about what to do:

He finally decides to hang himself in his closet:

No! Don't do it, Josh! You have so much to live for! 

Oh, wait, Tim finds Anya's Kitty Karry-All doll! Swatch the dog stole it and hid it in his dog house. It was in there the whole time! 

That darn dog!

[insert laugh track here]

Shout out to Other Eric for his Brady Bunch DVD collection!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 9: Daydream believers!

Yeesh. I don't even know where to start. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time:

"Hey, guys! Let's start a band! Maybe we'll get on the cover of Rolling Stone!"

"But what if we have to wear really shitty clothes?"

"Why would Rolling Stone do that to us?"

Yeah, I don't think anyone has an answer to that question.

So, this challenge should have been fun. The designers were supposed to do a makeover for the members of a new band. That's usually more of a job for a stylist than a designer, but some bands get custom-designed clothes, so it could have worked. Unfortunately, the results were spectacularly awful. And not in a good way. The designers managed to make clothes that were almost breathtakingly bad and yet at the same time so boring I have nothing to say about them.

First, let's get to all the drama, since that's why we all watch. Oh, what's that you say? You don't watch for the drama? You watch for the fashion? Well, too bad for you, because this episode didn't have either.

Remember at the beginning of the season when there were way too many menswear designers? Guess what? Now nobody does menswear! Even the menswear designers can't do menswear!

Olivier: "I can do menswear. But only on a mannequin. And only if the mannequin is very, very quiet."

Yeah, sometimes the little wheels on the bottom squeak.

Olivier: "Oh, my god, I hate that."

Anyway, the designers are split into two teams of four, but it doesn't really matter, because they will be creating completely independent looks. One person from each four-person team will be creating an individual look for one of the four members of the band. So each band member gets two looks. Don't worry, I checked the math and it does work out.

The producers showed the designers all getting along really well together. Which made me wonder who these new producers are and what they did with our old producers. The designers are all in a giving mood. Bert gives money to Laura, Anya gives fabric to Kimberly, and Joshua gives everyone crabs. It's touching, really.

Well, we're going to have to discuss the clothes at some point, so let's get it over with. The band performs and the guest judge is Adam Lambert:

So, guys, what do you think of your new look?

Guys: "We love it. We wish there were more sequins. Can we have our recording contract now please?"

In a minute. First we have to critique the individual looks:

Micky (By Joshua and Anthony Ryan)

Nina: "He's a little over-accessorized."

Michael: "Those horizontal stripes aren't working. No man on earth wants to wear something that makes him look wider."

Heidi: "He is really rocking that Garnier Fructis, though."

Peter (By Anya and Kimberly)

Nina: "It looks like a woman's blouse."

Michael: "It's Peter Brady at a harvest festival."

Adam Lambert: "I think it's very dash-chic-y! Get it? Dash-chic-y?"

Michael (By Bert and Olivier)

Nina: "I like this look."

Michael: "Who knew Bert had a rocker's soul?"

Adam Lambert: "I would totally wear this on the red carpet."

Davy (By Laura and Viktor)

Nina: "It looks like a woman's blouse."

Michael: "You think everything looks like a woman's blouse."

Nina: "Well, at least I don't say everything looks like a Golden Girls Brady Bunch hooker."

Adam Lambert: "Scooby-Doo?"

Nina and Michael: "Oh, shut up."

And now I'm done with those awful clothes. Viktor wins and Olivier is out.

Nothing. Will ever. Be the same. Again. This Sunday. The lies. The betrayals. The season finale of Drop Dead Diva.

Oh I'm so sorry. I have to wash my hair that night.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 8: How Does She Do It?

Eric3000 is brought to you this week by the wacky new comedy starring Sarah Jessica Parker. She plays a woman who literally juggles her children's toys and her blackberry. It's a very subtle metaphor referring to how the modern woman has to juggle family and career. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy? Well, welcome to the 1970s!

Heidi Klum: "I just have to say that I have approximately eight children and I also run a multi-billion-dollar media empire. It's not that hard."

Anyway, last week Anya won and Becky went home. Bryce is convinced he is next to be out and he sets out to fulfill the prophecy. Josh decides to try to be nice this episode, so the producers need to find a new villain:

Olivier: "I think all women should be forced to have radical double mastectomies so I can design flat clothes."

Oh, my goodness! How could he say such a horrible thing? Oh, that's right, he didn't. Unfortunately for the producers, Olivier is just too helpless and weird to be turned into a villain. At worst, he's slightly annoying. And even then, I can't take anything he says seriously.

Heidi: "So, yeah, this challenge is all about the boobage. Major boobage."

Designers: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Apparently these designers do not like the boobage. I think they need to get over that, as they will be encountering breasts from time to time in the fashion industry.

Heidi: "And here are the boobs now!"

A group of men walk out on stage.

Heidi: "I'm just kidding! They are all really nice guys! You will be designing for their wives and girlfriends. Some of the wives have never met their husband's girlfriends before, so this should be exciting!"

Well, that just seems cruel.

The men are picked in reverse order by weight. The men then tell the designers everything they know about their wives and girlfriends:

Men: "They have breasts."

Really. That appears to be the only thing they know.

Men: "No, you don't understand. We really like breasts."

Got it. Straight men really like breasts. Let me just write that down so I don't forget.

But, seriously, the designers need a little more to go on:

Viktor: "So, if your wife went shopping at a store, what store would it be?"

Client: "Hmmm . . . she must shop for clothes, right? I do notice that she isn't naked all the time."

Some of the men do have a few suggestions:

Josh's client wants something simple:

Josh: "Oh, don't worry, honey. It will be simply fabulous!"

Client: "No. Just simple."

Josh: "Simple . . . as in simple simple? . . . plain and simple? . . . I think I just died a little bit inside."

Bryce's client wants something girlie and pink and is so in love it makes Bryce physically ill:

Bryce: "He's so in love. I just want to punch him in the face. It's rude to talk about how in love you are when you are around someone who might be missing his boyfriend. I just want to go home."

And so it shall be!

Anthony Ryan's client wants a red dress to replace the one he accidentally set on fire:

Anthony Ryan: "Could you be more specific? Do you want amaranth? Beet red? Candy apple red? Cardinal red? Carmine red? Cerise? Coral? Crimson...?"

Client: "Um..."

Anthony Ryan: "Hibiscus? Hopi? Ruby? Sangria? Scarlet? Tomato...?"

Client: "Well, I..."

Anthony Ryan: "Venetian? Vermilion...?"

Client: "Please stop."

Anthony Ryan: "You know what? I just remembered; it doesn't matter anyway because I'm colorblind!"

We don't actually witness the beating that follows, but we do see the resulting head wound.

Bryce buys a terrible pink fabric and then dyes it a nice fuchsia. He and Viktor then perform their favorite scene from Steel Magnolias:

Bryce: "Pink is my signature color."

Viktor: "That dress looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol."

Bryce then has a baby and dies. Oh, did I give away the ending? Sorry.

Olivier is having trouble with his model. Mainly because she is not a cardboard cutout and she has working vocal chords:

Olivier: "I'm not here to make my client happy. I'm here to make fashion."

On to the runway with guest judge Malin Akerman. You remember her. She was in that movie? Yeah, I didn't see it either.

Laura made a hideous teal gown.

Anthony made a terrible red and black dress that was a cross between a cheerleader and superhero costume.

Bert made a boring/tacky dress.

Josh made a pretty black cocktail dress.

Bryce made a hot pink mess/dress. It would have been really cute if it had fit properly and he had simplified the back and the hem. The pockets were actually a nice design detail, although the fact that his model thought she was going to put her keys and phone in there was pretty scary.

Kimberly made a dress with a black skirt and purple top. It was OK.

Olivier made a blue trouser and beige top that looked pretty good.

Anya made a ridiculous black-and-white print gown. I did not like this dress. The whole thing looked like an accident and the detail on the hem was awful. I don't know what the judges found so original about a skirt that is floor-length in back and coochie-length in front; we've seen that many times before and it always looks just as stupid. Nobody should wear that dress to a gallery opening. I can, however, imagine someone with bad taste wearing it on the red carpet. And I'm looking forward to that.

Viktor made a very cute retro/funky skirt and top that is exactly what his client was already wearing. I thought it was the clear winner, but he also had the least challenging clients. The judges make weird comments to justify not giving him the win:

Nina: "She's over-accessorized."

Michael: "Yeah. Why would a woman need sunglasses and a purse?"

Oh, I don't know, maybe because it's sunny and she needs somewhere to carry her credit card and lip gloss?

Heidi: "Just hire someone to carry that for you."

Anyway, Josh wins for his pretty if unexciting black cocktail dress. Bryce is going home to listen to Lady Gaga until he creates an amazing collection. Even Lady Gaga couldn't survive listening to that much Lady Gaga. I'm scared for him.

Stay tuned for a new episode of Dance Moms, staring Olivier Green:

Olivier: "I wasn't put on this earth to make my client feel special! I was put on this earth to make my client dance!"

Friday, September 09, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 7: Can't we all just kill each other?

Bert: "What the hell was that?"

Joshua: "That was the sound of America suddenly liking you again."

Bert: "But why? I'm as rude and unsociable as ever."

Joshua: "Yeah, but compared to a full-on sociopath you're almost adorable. I wish I could feel sorry for stealing your thunder, but obviously that would require empathy. Too bad."

The designers are split into two teams of five for a textile design challenge. In addition to creating textile designs, they will also have to create videos, record music, construct a new runway, redecorate the studio, perform a minor outpatient procedure on Michael Kors (he has a mole that doesn't look quite right), and make an amuse bouche that will delight the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The good news is that they have two full days. Also, Betsey Johnson is here to help:

Betsey Johnson: "Here is a four second video of my new collection that will give you all the inspiration you will need!"

ooh ... ahh ... oh ... ooh ... and that's it?

Betsey Johnson: "My collection is so amazing that any longer than four seconds would make your head explode."

Team Chaos is Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Olivier, and Bryce. Team Nuts and Bolts is Joshua, Laura, Kimberly, Becky, and Bert.

Team Chaos is a vision of order and reason, while Team Nuts and Bolts is falling apart.

Alanis Morissette: "There's a word for that. It's right on the tip of my tongue ..."

No one cares, Alanis. Anyway, Bert was picked last again:

Heidi: "I feel so bad that Bert is always picked last. Why doesn't everyone else love Bert as much as I do?"

Bert: "Probably because everyone else has actually spent time with me."

Heidi: "What was that?"

Bert: "Nothing. I was just swearing under my breath."

Heidi: "Oh, good."

The teams get to work. For Team Chaos, Anthony Ryan comes up with the theme of a Horshack test. That's that thing where a therapist forces you to look at pictures of Ron Palillo from Welcome Back, Kotter until you start crying. It's surprisingly effective.

For Team Chock full o'Nuts, Joshua decides that this would be a good time to argue about the Village People:

Joshua: "Shut up, shut up, shut up! There is no fireman in the Village People!"

Laura: "Well, there should be. Firemen are national heroes."

Joshua: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Joshua storms out of the room.

Tim makes his rounds in the design room. Team Chaos has some nice black-and-white prints, their designs are looking good, and they are getting along really well. Tim doesn't know what to tell them:

Tim: "I'm flummoxed. Hmmm. Oh, I know; make sure your garments fit well!"

Wow, Tim. That was so helpful. Maybe you should have told them to use a Magic 8 Ball to predict what styling the judges would prefer for this challenge.

Team Chock full o'Nuts made some really tacky black-and-white prints, their designs are terrible, and they all hate each other. Tim knows just what to do:

Tim: "I learned this from my dear friend Madonna, who does this before every concert. Let's form a prayer circle and pray for a good show. Now, gargle with some salt water and make sure you pee, because this is going to be a long set."

In addition to Heidi, Michael, and Nina, we also have Rachel Roy and Rose Byrne as judges this week. Why do we keep getting five judges this season? Is it just in case Nina doesn't show up?

Nothing about Team Chock full o'Nuts worked. The prints were dreadful (Becky's giant gear print was the best of the worst), The designs were even worse than the prints, and the video was pathetic. The video, which was supposed to be background imagery for the runway show, featured a storyline about a woman who likes shoes and getting out of taxis. Joshua should have been deported from New York City for making that.

Michael Kors: "It's like hookers who went to a hooker convention at a place where hookers go."

He's right, you guys. That's exactly what it was like.

So, yeah, everything went wrong with that team and it was all Joshua's fault. Obviously, Becky is sent home. Sorry Becky.

Team Chaos has a great show. Nothing terribly exciting, but still some of the nicest garments we've seen all season. And they worked really well as a collection. And their video was really good. The judges love Anya's cute print dress and Viktor's beautiful gown and they totally cream themselves over Olivier's jacket. Other than the styling (they should have used the Magic 8 Ball), the judges love almost everything about this team's work.

Heidi: "Team Chaos wins."

I just have one thing to say about that: duh.

The winning team has to pick a pirate king:

Olivier: "I pick myself."

Viktor: "I pick myself."

Anthony Ryan: "I pick myself."

Anya: "I pick myself."

Geoffrey Rush: "I pick myself."

Keira Knightley: "I pick myself."

Johnny Depp: "I pick Anya."

Anya is the only pirate to get two votes so she becomes the pirate king! Congratulations, Anya!

Oh, and the new exit line for the show is going to be "Your crotch has been cancelled."

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 6: Avant-What?

I have a dream that someday all the children of the world, regardless of their race, religion, or sexuality, will figure out what the hell 'avant-garde' means. Look, I never claimed to have really important dreams, okay?

So, yeah, this is the ridiculous 'avant-garde' challenge, in which, as usual, not a single designer will create anything even remotely avant-garde. Part of the problem is that the designers, after all these seasons, still have no idea what the term means:

Laura: "Avant-garde means it has to be unwearable."

Bert: "Avant-garde means really futuristic, like those Pac-Man video games all the kids are playing."

Olivier: "Avant-garde means boring clothes that I don't usually make."

Josh (Either One): "Avant-garde means drag queen costumes. Fabulous!"

Yeah, so that's part of the problem. But really here's the main problem with an 'avant-garde' challenge:


Avant-garde just means experimental and cutting-edge and that's what we should be seeing every week. It's never a "Make us something we've seen before" challenge.

So, if every challenge is an avant-garde challenge, what do you do for the actual "Avant-Garde Challenge"? Well, obviously, you glue a bunch of crap onto a dress:

Tim: "Be careful not to cross the line into costume. Oh, who am I kidding? You are all going to make costumes, no matter what I say."

Anyway, last week Danielle was out and everybody else won because the judges were too lazy to pick just one person.

The designers talk to the camera:

Bert: "I'm going to try not to be such an asshole."

Maybe you should start with more realistic goals, Bert. How about just not acting like such as asshole?

Bert: "I can do that."

Laura: "It is a well-known fact that I am not the biggest fan of Becky's."

This is the first I've heard of it.

Laura: "Well, I don't know where you've been because it's all anyone can talk about. The whole country is consumed by the Becky-Laura relationship. Will I continue to not be the biggest fan of Becky's, or will I become a little bit of a fan?"

Oh, my gosh! Now I really want to know!

The designers go back to school:

Tim: "Designers, welcome to the Harlem School of the Arts, where even the least talented student is more creative than any of you."

Harsh, Tim, but true. These art students are talented. I'm not saying their work is avant-garde, but it's a hell of a lot better than any of the clothes we're seeing this season.

Anya is excited to be working with children:

Anya: "If I could be any kind of tree, I would be a really big tree that would provide shelter to children so they could grow and flourish. Where's my crown?"

Viktor's art student is precocious and hilarious:

Student: "So, what was art like when you were a kid?"

Viktor: "Well, oil paint hadn't been invented yet, so . . . how the hell old do you think I am? Go ask Bert what it was like to paint the caves of Lascaux."

Bert actually likes working with his art student:

Bert: "My student is so quiet it's almost like he isn't there. Children should be seen and not heard. Also, they shouldn't be seen. Have I mentioned how much I like being left alone?"

Major drama again at Mood this week:

Josh C.: "I didn't spend all my money."


OK, well, if you have recovered from all that drama, it's time to move on to the runway with all the art students and guest judge Kenneth Cole and no Nina:

Kimberly made a pleather and feather dress inspired by a painting of a bird. It wasn't bad.

Becky made a gray denim gown with green Borg spaceships stuck to it. It was inspired by a gray denim painting with green Borg spaceships painted on it. The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that it completely sucked.

Oliver - to say he designed a dress for this challenge would be an exaggeration.

Josh M. made a pretty cool drag-queen outfit inspired by a painting of a dead tree. I liked it, but let's be real, the neoprene skirt pushes it way over the costume line.

Bert created clown clothes. I actually liked the fact that he played with volume and proportion in his pant; that's appropriate for an avant-garde challenge. Unfortunately, he covered it with a mobile from a baby's crib. It made no sense.

Viktor made a chiffon gown that was in no way avant-garde, but his art student thought it was pretty and that's really the only thing that matters, right?

Laura made a ruffled chiffon gown inspired by a painting of a rose. It wasn't avant-garde, but the visible boning was interesting and the overall effect was pretty good.

Bryce made a blue and orange gown with straight-jacket sleeves inspired by a creepy-looking portrait. The sleeves were probably the most interesting thing on the runway this week and I just wish he had taken the idea a little bit further, because the overall look didn't work.

Josh C. made a complete disaster inspired by a painting of a wolf. Combining the judges' comments, it was a Victorian cocktail waitress crossed with a dominatrix prostitute Halloween costume. Which obviously would have been completely awesome if he had done it correctly. But this just looked cheap. He had originally planned to go with a faux-fur headpiece, which was admittedly looking like a wolf costume. But a little faux-fur hoodie might have been cute. Josh C. is out again. He really does seem like the sweetest guy. I hope he does finally find a nice girl      . . . to go to gay bars with him.

Anthony Ryan made a nude gown covered with little strips of fabric inspired by brush strokes. I'm with Kenneth Cole in not loving the execution, and obviously it wasn't avant-garde, but it was a pretty nice dress. Anthony Ryan wins.

Anya made a dress with way too much going on. I liked the print hoop skirt. I think it was the feather top that made it look like a costume. Again, avant-garde does not mean "stick as much crap as possible on a dress."

Tune in next week when we get a team challenge and, God willing, someone accidentally creates something avant-garde.

Before we go, Tim has an announcement:

Tim: "I just want to remind you that it is against the rules to glue your garment to your model. Please use staples. Thank you."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 5: New Directions!

Heidi: "My product line is for New Balance, not New Directions."

I know. I just wanted to hear you say 'new directions.'

Heidi: "Look, I pay you a lot of money to promote my product line."

No, you don't.

Heidi: "Really? Well, would you mind doing it just because I'm pretty?"

Well, OK. Buy Heidi's New Balance product line, everyone! Like I've said in the past, her clothes are perfect for women who want to look like they might go to the gym.

Heidi: "Thank you."

Last week Kimberly won and Julie was out. Cecilia is really pissed off because she did absolutely everything she could think of to get kicked off the show and yet she's still there:

Cecilia: "I made a beige dress for Nina Garcia! It was a metaphor for stabbing her in the heart! Do I need to actually kill someone to get out of here?"

Anyway, over in the boy's apartment, even though it's a little early in the episode, it's time for our favorite segment of the show called...say it with me...Bert Gets Confused!:

Viktor: "Hey, Bert, what are those boxes there on the counter?"

Bert: "What boxes?"

Viktor: "The boxes right in front of you."

Bert: "I don't know what you're talking about, Sean. I can't see anything on the counter because it's covered with all these boxes."

So, apparently, while the designers dreamed of sugarplums, the elves brought them packages. And it is pretty magical because at this point the designers are still sleeping in the living room and yet they slept through this delivery. The designers are as exciting as kids on Christmas morning:

Laura: "I hope it's a miniature pony!"

Bryce: "I hope it's an easy-bake oven!"

Close. It's running shorts and sneakers. The designers head over to the New Balance Track and Field Center, where they all die.

Well, not quite. But those New Balance shoes are really dangerous. Olivier trips and nearly kills himself.

Heidi: "That has never happened before!"

Look, I'm sure Olivier is not your target demographic. In fact, it looked like running was a completely new concept for him. Poor thing. I seriously almost passed out watching this scene. I think this show may be too violent for me.

Oh, wait! I forgot! Before that happened, Cecilia decided to quit. Heidi makes a little speech that reflects either the fact that they have too much time to fill or there have been legal issues:

Heidi: "I want to make it very clear that the designers are not being kept here against their will. We are not, I repeat, NOT holding their family members hostage in exchange for their participation on this show. Do not believe those rumors. Cecilia is free to leave at any time. I will make sure she regrets it for the rest of her life."

Cecilia: "What?"

Heidi: "I said there are no hard feelings, and I wish you the best of luck in the rest of your life."

So, the team leaders are the first four runners who finished a lap and they pick from the other designers:

Josh picks Anya and Becky
Bryce picks Kimberly and Daniel
Anthony Ryan picks Laura and (reluctantly) Bert
Viktor picks Olivier and will get to choose a returning designer

OK, that is pretty crazy! Viktor gets to choose which eliminated designer actually gets to return to the show! For some strange reason, all the designers want Josh C. to return. Apparently, everyone loves him. It's very sweet. Either that, or they know he will be the weakest competition. No, that's just being cynical.

So, yes, we have two Joshes on the show again and I have to distinguish between them when I'm writing my recaps. What a pain in the ass. I don't have time to be typing in the first letter of their last names! I'm very busy! Doesn't anyone on this show consider my feelings?!

Anyway, the challenge is for the teams of three to create three casual looks to wear with sneakers and the winning look will be produced as part of Heidi's New Balance line.

Becky and Bert are not being allowed to participate in their teams. While the editing doesn't actually show Bert being such a terrible teammate, I think it isn't a coincidence that nobody likes working with him. Becky, on the other hand, seems cooperative, but Josh Not C. is just being an asshole. He is totally rude to her for hours and she finally goes and cries in the toilet and then he gives her a half-assed apology:

Josh Not C.: "Becky, I am really sorry that you design dowdy clothes. And I mean that sincerely. We are all just tired. I'm sure if we all weren't so tired, we would all just agree that you are untalented and there would be no problem. So, are we good?"

Becky: "Yeah, OK."

Time for the runway. Heidi is wearing a black sequined trash bag. There is a guest judge. That's all I can tell you about that.

Some of the garments were pretty good and others weren't. I don't have time to describe them, because it takes too much time typing in the first letters of the last names of the two Joshes.

Viktor wins with a wrinkly dress and a biker jacket. Then Josh Not C. also wins with Anya's maxi dress, which didn't make much sense, but whatever.

The loser causes more problems. Anthony Ryan created one of the worst looks in history, but Danielle also made a terrible look and she hasn't demonstrated any ability to make anything other than terrible looks. Heidi and Nina argue over the rules of the competition. Nina thinks a designer's promise should be factored into the judging, while Heidi has a more strict German view about rules:

Heidi: "The Ten Commandments of Project Runway are very clear. The First Commandment states: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, unless thy neighbor's ass is totally awesome, in which case nobody would blame thee. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the wrong one. It's the second one: One day thou art in and the next thou shalt be out."

Nina: "Don't be so uptight, man. You're totally harshing my buzz. You need to open your mind and experience the universe."

In general, I agree with Nina. We shouldn't be so uptight about rules. If two looks are almost equally bad, the judges should be free to take other things into consideration. But in this case, Anthony Ryan's look was far worse than Danielle's and I think Heidi is right.

Heidi is overruled and Danielle is sent home.

Heidi: "Please buy my clothes. But please do not go jogging in them or you will be severely injured."

Friday, August 19, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 4: Nina, Nina, Nina!

This episode is all about Nina.

Michael: "I'm sick of it! All I ever hear is how great Nina is at this, or how wonderful Nina is at that! Nina, Nina, Nina!"

uh, anyway ...

Heidi: "So, Nina, why don't you tell us everything you don't like."

Nina: "Well, I don't like prints or colors or puffiness or pleats or ... you know what? I just realized something. I don't really like clothes."

Nina leaves the show to pursue her lifelong dream of operating her own gourmet food truck called NinaBites.

Nina, we'll miss you, but we wish you well in your new endeavor! Meanwhile, the designers still have to create looks that will go from day to evening:

Heidi: "I would be nervous if I were you. But, of course, I'm not you. I'm me and I have nothing to be nervous about. I hope that makes you feel better."

The designers look at past images of Nina. I never really noticed that she only wore black and white:

Tim: "Designers, we don't want to see a gray runway show. We only want to see black and white. Make sure the models walk slowly so the black and white doesn't blur together into gray."

Major drama at Mood:

Ryan Anthony and Becky pick the same print! DRAMA! Ryan Anthony is sure Becky did it on purpose, which totally makes sense (if you are an idiot).

We learn that Julie became a designer because she was tired of being a bartender:

Julie: "Those are the only two professions, right?"

Now for a new segment of the show called Why is He Telling Us This?:

Viktor: "This is muslin. You use it to make a test garment before you use your actual fabric. You're welcome."

And that's all you need to know to make your own clothes at home. Seriously, why is he telling us this? Oh, now I understand why that's the name of the segment.

Anthony Ryan calls his fiance, who I'm going to call Joaquin Dakota, just for the hell of it:

Anthony Ryan: "I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm being sent home because that's what happens when someone calls a loved one on this show."

Joaquin Dakota: "Oh, that's so three seasons ago. They don't do that anymore."

Anthony Ryan: "That's wonderful news! Bye now!"

Tim goes into the design room to deliver his "two-hours-for-hair-and-makeup" speech, but the room is empty:

Tim: "Oh, no. The Rapture must have happened. It's a Project Runway first!"

For once, that actually would have been a Project Runway first, but it turns out the designers are really just hiding in the sewing room. Tim tells them to hurry the hell up.

Cecilia stopped caring about her own garment long ago (and pretends that she can't find the dye), so she helps Julie glue her dress together. And Laura Kathleen has immunity so she helps Anya. Despite warnings to the contrary during her audition, Anya actually can get other people to do her sewing for her during the competition. Viktor thinks this is cheating, although there are no rules against designers helping each other.

The winner of this challenge will get a spread in Marie Claire and advertisements featured on New York City taxicabs. Joanna Coles, representing Marie Claire, is a guest judge. There is another guest judge, Kerry Washington, who I assume is representing the taxi companies, because that's the only explanation for the presence of a fifth judge.

Joshua made a red and gray color-blocked sheath. It's fine.
Bert made a little black dress. It's fine.
Olivier made pants with a weird vesty-top thingy. It's fine.
Anthony Ryan made a little puffy skirt and a print top. It's fine.
Becky made a print dress. You guessed it: it's fine.
Kimberly made a really nice look with a gold top and navy pants. It's not as earth-shatteringly amazing as the judges would have you believe, but it is really nice.
Cecilia made a tan and gray dress that is clearly the most retched thing on the runway this week.
Anya presented a cute jumpsuit. The judges are impressed with her sewing skills. Viktor almost pees himself.
Danielle made an awful apple-green chiffon blouse and black pants. Horrible.
Julie made what could have been a cute coat dress, had the execution not been such a disaster.
Bryce made a short gray jersey dress. It's not great.
Laura Kathleen made a green satin dress. She has immunity, so I won't go to all the trouble of having an opinion about it.
Viktor made a dramatic black suit/dress. I like it. The only complaint comes from Michael, who thinks it looks very current, and he wanted to see what Nina will be wearing next season.

Now for the segment of the show called Bert Gets Confused!:

Bert: "Well, I really think that gay Mormon kid has a shot of winning the whole thing."

I think Bert seems a little confused. Oh, right, now I understand why that's the name of the segment.

During the judging, the taxi woman is really unnecessary, but Joanna Coles manages to say some strange things. First, she complains about Julie's coat dress:

Joanna Coles: "Is it a coat? Is it a dress? Is it some sort of hybrid of the two?"

YES! IT'S A COAT DRESS! What is so confusing about that? Next, she complains about Danielle's top:

Joanna Coles: "That green chiffon top looks like something a housewife would wear in the kitchen to make acorn-squash puree for her children."

Other Eric: "What the hell is she talking about?"

Michael Kors: "I think what Joanna is trying to say is it looks like something Joan Crawford would wear to a Saint Patrick's Day party."

Other Eric: "Now, he knows his audience!"

Kimberly wins! I think that was the right choice.

Julie is out. OK, that was obviously the wrong choice.

Well, that's it. But before we go, we have an announcement from Lifetime Television:

Don't miss Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho on the hit Lifetime show Drop Dead Diva:

Kathy Griffin: "You're a bitch!"

Margaret Cho: "No, you're a bitch!"

Have you ever heard anything so hilarious and outrageous in all your life?