Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Shear Genius Season Two Finale: They have all given their final cuts!

Click here for my Project Runway Recap!

Once upon a time there were three little geniuses who went to the Vidal Sassoon Academy:

Dee, Nicole, and Charlie.

They have to make up pointless stories and then rush through hair cuts on four unlucky women for the chance to win $100,000. They have big plans for the money: Nicole wants to take her parents on a cruise. Dee wants to take half the money (roughly $30,000 after taxes) and buy her mother the world's cheapest house. Charlie wants to buy his boyfriend a new nose.

Here are their stories:

Charlie: "This is a story about a woman who wasn't sure what she wanted to do. At eighteen she is working for the Red Cross during World War II. At thirty she moves to France and writes a cookbook. At forty-five she has a successful cooking show. And then at sixty she becomes a international spy."

Kim Vo: "That sounds so familiar"

Nicole: "This is a story about a blond. She isn't a spy or anything that exciting. She's just an ordinary woman. At eighteen she went to Wellesley. At thirty She is married to the Governor of Arkansas. At forty-five she is First Lady of the United States of America. And then at sixty she runs for president."

Linda Wells: "Well, that's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard."

Dee: "This is a story about a brunette. At eighteen she got a television series playing a private investigator. At thirty she was nominated for a Golden Globe for playing Jacqueline Kennedy. At forty-five she put out a line of clothing at K-Mart. And then at sixty she started hosting a reality competition show on Bravo."

Jaclyn Smith: "I love that story! Dee wins!"
Project Runway Season Five, episode seven: Bleeding for fashion!

Heidi: "Hey, Tim . . ."

Tim: "I don't care about your skirt!"

Heidi: "Gee, I was just going to tell you to have a happy Labor Day."

Tim: "Oh, I'm sorry. That's very nice. Thank you."

Heidi: "But seriously, do you think this skirt is too short?"

Kenley's sad Daniel is gone:

Kenley: "I am so sad Daniel is gone. Why does everything bad always have to happen to me."

Keith wants to change the way the world dresses:

Keith: "Some day everyone will look like crap."

Two models will be out:

Heidi: "Because, models, this is also a competition for you."

Models: "Oh, shut up."

Joe keeps the peace in the model world by keeping his model and Heidi doesn't have to use the velvet bag of doom.

For the next challenge Heidi tells the designers to go up to the roof and jump off.

Blayne: "Ooh, I hope we'll be designing parachutes!"

They end up at the top of a parking garage with a bunch of Saturns. Tim is there with a pocket gay:

Tim: "I'd like to introduce you to this very tiny person next to me. This is Chris Webb and he's in charge of total bullshit at Saturn. He'll explain this week's total bullshit challenge to you."

Chris Webb: "Thank you, Tim. These are Saturn hybrids. 85 percent of these vehicles are recyclable by weight."

That makes no sense. Does that mean 85 percent of Saturns can be recycled while the other 15 percent have to be driven into a landfill?

Chris Webb: "I'm sorry; let me clarify. 85 percent of each vehicle is made of materials that are recyclable. And that's a percentage of the weight."

Well, I think most of the weight of a car is metal. So you're telling me metal is recyclable? What exciting news.

Chris Webb: "Actually, it's more than the metal. We've specifically designed Saturns so that the materials can be used to make clothing on reality television shows."

Great. So, the designers start gathering these magical materials from the cars: plastic, glass, leather, rubber, metal and all the normal materials you would find in any other goddamn car.

Seriously, this challenge is fine but don't pretend it has something to do with environmentalism.

Back at Parsons, the designers are trying to work with the materials:

Keith is sick of having those fucking judges be critical on him:

Keith: "They keep getting their criticism all over me. And it's sticky."

Pleather is bleeding for fashion:

Pleather: "This reminds me that my father is dead."

Tune in next week when we learn about more of Pleather's dead relatives.

At first it seems that a lot of designers are working with seat belts. The seat belts are beautiful so it makes sense to use them. And, honestly, it isn't as unimaginative as using a tablecloth. But then it turns out only two designers make garments using mostly seat belts.

Keith tells Terri not to ask him anything because he's busy feeling sorry for himself:

Keith: "I have no idea what I'm doing. Everything I touch turns to crap. The judges hate me. I don't belong here."

I'm glad he finally noticed.

Kenley's model drops out:

Kenley: "Thank god! Now I have a great excuse for why my garment sucks!"

Terri makes fun of Korto because the arms of her coat are sticking out. Jerell doesn't like Terri's behavior:

Jerell: "She has two faces and four patterns."

Ooh, Jerell, that was catty. I like it.

As the episode progresses, Keith becomes more moody and belligerent:

Blayne: "What's wrong with Keith? I mean, he was always an asshole but today he is even more of an asshole than usual."

Keith's model sits down:

Keith: "My life is over."

On the runway, the fabulous Laura Bennett is filling in for Nina. She's so pretty.

Rachel Zoe is the guest judge and she's not quite as bad as I expected.

Jerell made a very cool top and chose perfect styling but he made a really boring skirt.

Keith's is awful. His model might as well be wearing a brown paper bag.

Keith: "The reason my garment is so bad is because the judges made me second-guess myself and then my model sat down even though I told her not to and then a Dingo stole my baby."

Terri made something resembling jeans and they look great but because she's in the middle of the pack we don't get to see much of her outfit.

Kenley made a dress with a stupid peplum and she thinks it's wearable.

Leanne made a pretty great outfit with protruding hip bones. It's not a new silhouette but I think it's shown up again in fashion shows recently and she did a good job with it.

Pleather made a shiny, stringy skirt and a top made out of rubber floor mats. It's not bad.

Korto's seat belt coat is gorgeous. Once again, Korto doesn't make the most innovative use of materials but creates a really beautiful garment. Also, her model did a good job; because of the stiff sleeves, she had to keep her hands on her hips and she did it without being too obvious. This was my favorite but I can understand why it didn't win.

Blayne's seat belt dress is close to being pretty but the fit is inexcusably bad and the stringy hem looks terrible. Michael is right when he compares it to a car wash. Blayne's first version of this dress was much prettier but he wasn't able to sew it.

Joe makes another sporty outfit and it's not bad.

Stella made a really pretty and well-made tiered seat belt skirt and a decent top but the two pieces don't go together.

Heidi: "It looks a little random."

Stella: "Thank you."

Heidi tells Blayne he's going to have seven years without sex because he broke a mirror:

Heidi: "That's German birth control. I tried it but I still keep getting pregnant."

Leanne wins immunity and Keith is out.

Keith is upset because he is out for doing something that isn't him:

Keith: "Sure, crappy design is totally me but this week I made a crappy garment that was not the same as my usual crappy garments."

Next week Michael talks about his favorite subject again:


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Shear Genius Season Two, episode nine: Like taking a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same episode!

Click here for my Project Runway Recap!

Sorry for the delay. I've been napping. My DayQuil high wore off after I wrote my Project Runway recap and I just haven't had any energy. The biggest tragedy about my cold is that I haven't been able to drink a beer all week. My taste buds are all messed up and beer tastes terrible to me; it tastes like pure vodka. Oh, glorious beer, I miss you so much and I hope some day soon we can be together again!

Anyway, on this week's Shear Genius, we are down to the final four. Oh, my God, this episode was so boring! But I thought this week's Project Runway was really boring, too, and other people really liked it so it could just be the fact that my brain isn't working.

The guest judge for the quickfire is Jose Eber (The "J" is pronounced like a "J," not an "H," Nicole).

The geniuses have to do the styling for a Double-Mint gum commercial. Or something like that.

They are supposed to get to know the client and give the client a look that represents what makes her unique. Except that she ISN'T unique at all! There's someone else who is exactly the same as she is and it's her twin sister!

So, supposedly, the geniuses are supposed to make each of the twins look different to represent individual personalities. The problem is NONE OF THEM HAS AN INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY! They look alike, they walk alike, sometimes they even talk alike; what crazy pairs!

Seriously, they do not have distinct personalities. So the geniuses just make them up:

Nicole: "OK, you'll be the smart one and you'll be the pretty one."

So Nicole makes one of her twins a blond and the other a brunette:

Nicole: "They have such completely different personalities."

Twins: "We really don't but whatever."

Dee really sets her twins apart by putting a red streak in one's hair and a purple streak in the other's.

Charlie gives his twins slightly different cuts and Daniel uses slightly different amounts of hairspray to really make each of his twins distinct.

Jose makes a completely random decision:

Jose: "I'll pick Nicole. Just for the hell of it."

Nicole wins immunity in the elimination challenge, which means she will automatically be in the final three.

For the elimination challenge, the studio is set up for a photo shoot. As they are walking into the studio, Nicole's dress magically changes from black-and-white checkered fabric to solid black. Did anyone else catch that? It's funny because it looks like the exact same dress but in a different fabric. I wonder how many versions of that dress she owns. Or maybe it's reversible. They must have told her to change because the checkered fabric was looking bad on camera. Anyhoo, just one of the random details my mind is attracted to.

In the studio they meet Michael Grecco, professional asshole. He's an asshole for all the big fashion magazines. The geniuses are so excited because they've never met such a major asshole before.

The challenge is to make avant-garde hair, which, of course, is completely meaningless.

Actually, I guess it would be possible to style the hair into new shapes but the problem is that Michael Grecco, professional asshole, also wants the hair to be flowing. There is only so much you can do to hair while also keeping it flowing. So, obviously, Michael Grecco, professional asshole, is going to be completely unhappy with whatever the geniuses do.

And he is. He gave them such useless instructions that they have no idea what to do and they mostly end up with crap. I actually really liked Charlie's but it was too pretty for Michael Grecco, professional asshole.

The shoots are based on the four seasons:

Daniel gets summer. For some reason, they drench the poor girl in water. It was a major mistake for him to put all the detail on the back of the head. Daniel is out. Sorry Daniel! I hope you win fan favorite!

Nicole gets winter. The model lays down in the fake snow and gets it all in her hair. Michael Grecco, professional asshole, scolds Nicole for letting snow get in the hair and then he scolds her for getting in the shot when she tries to get it out. Her inexperience showed. I think she would have been eliminated if she hadn't had immunity.

Nicole: "I guess I'm just not used to working with a professional asshole."

Dee gets fall and the model is jumping on a trampoline. The results are awful.

Charlie gets spring and his model is on a swing. I think it looks good but Michael Grecco, professional asshole, says he didn't want the hair to look pretty so Charlie starts tearing it apart and I think it still looks good. Charlie wins the challenge.

Well, that's it. Kim Vo sums up my feelings by telling us what he thought of this episode:

Kim Vo: "It was like taking a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night. You do not want to do that. Trust me."

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Project Runway Season Five, episode six: Parsons is burning!

Heidi: "Hey Tim, is my skirt too short?"

Wait. Why is Heidi riding a unicorn?

Tim: "She isn't. You're just high on DayQuil."

Oh. That makes sense. Thanks, Tim. So, I know you'll find this hard to believe, but I'm not usually stoned when I write my blog. This week, however, I have a cold and I'm a little woozy from the DayQuil. Bear with me.

Last week Keith won and Kelli went home.

Chris March introduces the challenge:

Chris: "Welcome to the most boring episode of Project Runway ever!"

But I thought this episode was about drag queens. It should be fantastic.

Chris: "You're right! It should be! But somehow the producers will take a really great idea and magically turn it into the most boring hour of television you are ever likely to see!"

Well, that is impressive. I can't wait to see how they'll do it.

We are introduced to the drag queens, including Devine, Lipsynca, and Janet Reno.

Seriously, I've only heard of one of these queens: Varla Jean Merman. She's the illegitimate love child of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. She's done shows here in Los Angeles. Maybe the others are famous in New York.

Daniel is making a high glamour look for his drag queen. Obviously.

Drag queens always make Pleather think of his grandfather:

Pleather: "I have such fond memories of helping my grandfather put on his false eyelashes and tease his wig. I miss him so."

Korto is working on a big girl:

Korto: "I don't usually make clothes for drag queens."

You think everyone else does?

Korto: "Whatever."

Nina: "Korto obviously had a lot of fun with this challenge.

if you say so.

Tim thinks Pleather's drag queen is mean. He gives Pleather sass lessons:

Tim: "Was she getting all up in your grill? Well, if you ask me, I think you should bust a cap in her ass."

On to the runway. Heidi is wearing a skirt that covers half her thigh. Now I know I'm hallucinating. She introduces the judges:

Heidi: "The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and the usually fabulous RuPaul. Jesus Christ, RuPaul, what the hell is going on with your hair tonight? Did you leave the top down when you went through the car wash?"

Farrah Moans is wearing Kenley. A champagne sheath with ostrich feathers. Pretty boring.

Miss Understood is wearing Blayne. Shit-licious!

Varla Jean Merman is wearing Joe. Fabulous pink sequin jumpsuit. Absolutely perfect!

Luisa Verde is wearing Stella. Long black dress with pink plaid panel. It's an OK dress but I don't know if it's right for Miss Verde.

Hedda Lettuce is wearing Pleather. It looks very similar to the outfit she was wearing at the beginning of the episode.

Annida Greenkard is wearing Daniel. What the hell is wrong with him?

Acid Betty is wearing Terri. A kimono with a corset. Really good!

LeMay is wearing Jerell. Pretty boring. Jerell had one of the biggest challenges because his drag queen didn't have a specific look. She was just wearing a dress. So he just made her a dress.

Sweetie is wearing Korto. Red sequin dress with a poofy skirt. It is surprisingly flattering. Korto did a good job.

Sherry Vine is wearing Keith. It's ugly but not in a good way.

Sharon Needles is wearing Leanne. I'm pretty sure Sharon's style is punk/goth. Leanne decides to dress her like Judy Jetson. It doesn't work.

The judges love Terri's, Korto's and Joe's. They didn't like Keith's, Jerell's, or Daniel's.

Joe wins! Congratulations, you breeding freak! Terri's was also excellent but I have to agree with the judges on this one; I think Joe took a risk putting pants on a drag queen and I loved the result!

Daniel is out. Heidi rips off his mask and it turns out to be Daniel Franco! He was just using this other Daniel costume to get on the show for a third time! I knew there was something eerily familiar about his total cluelessness and complete lack of self-awareness. Now it all makes sense.

Michael Kors: "This challenge reminds me of my bar mitzvah. Full of queens and tacky dresses. And boring as shit."

Friday, August 15, 2008

Shear Genius Season Two, episode eight: Thank heaven for little girls!

Click here for my Project Runway recap!

Last week Dee won and Nekisa was sent home:

Jaclyn: "I was so disappointed last week. None of those dogs looked like me. I hope you do better this week."

For the quickfire challenge, the geniuses are styling the hair of little girls:


Other Eric: "No you don't. They look cute now but they'll turn into teenagers and kill you in your sleep."

Fine, Mr. Grumpy-pants.

Anyway, Daniel is especially sweet with his little girl:

Daniel: "How do you want your hair?"

Little Girl: "See that pretty old lady over there?"

Daniel: "You mean Jaclyn?"

Little Girl: "I want to look just like her!"


He made her look like a miniature Jaclyn Smith. Adorable! Daniel wins!

Most of the other cuts were pretty good, except for Dee's, which was not flattering for the little girl's face.

Paulo says Daniel won because he made his client look like one of the judges. He says he's going to make his next client look like Kim Vo, which is a pretty funny comment. Frightening but funny.

The geniuses go home and dress up like the eliminated stylists, which seems almost as spontaneous as the games they played on Make Me a Supermodel.

OK, what the hell was up with the color of Rene's skin this week? Was he in a wrestling match with Michael Kors? That is some major tan in a can. Anyway, he introduces the clients, who turn out to be family members of the geniuses. The geniuses scream like lunatics because they are so upset to see their relatives:

Geniuses: "What the hell are you doing here? We were trying to get away from you!"

The geniuses have to give a new style to a family member of one of the other geniuses. On to the hairway:

Dee gave Paulo's cousin burgundy highlights. I think she looks pretty good.

Charlie gave Daniel's mom a cute short cut. It's a little weird around the ears but it looks better than it did. Much more modern.

Daniel didn't do a great job on Nicole's mom's hair. The color was a little strange and the cut and style were just OK. It was updated but it looked like a helmet.

Nicole gave Dee's mom a very short cut. That woman had horrible hair and Nicole made such an improvement. Yes, it's very, very short. But sometimes, if your hair is really awful, the best thing you can do is cut it off. The new style was severe but much more modern and sophisticated.

Paulo fucked up Charlie's sister's hair. Her hair was bad before but he made it worse. It was slightly more updated but the back looked awful and, like Daniel's cut, it looked like a helmet when she tried to move her head.

Charlie wins!

Nicole and Paulo are the bottom two. Paulo is out and makes a graceful exit:

Paulo: "Jaclyn, it was amazing to meet you in person because you were my first crush!"

Jaclyn: "What? But you're gay! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"

Project Runway Season Five, episode five: That show Lucy Liu isn't in!

Heidi: "Hey, Tim, is this skirt too short?"

Tim: "No, I think it's very tasteful and age-appropriate."

Heidi: "Really?"

Tim: "No, not really."

OK, so last week we learned that Daniel and Jerell probably have a future designing clothes in Eastern Europe but they were very close to being eliminated from Project Runway.

Polish Designer: "I'm going to bring some high-end glamour to the Olympics with these red cocktail dresses!"

Hungarian Designer: "Yeah, women weight-lifters look great in little floral garden dresses and huge hats!"

Yeah, so after actually seeing the opening ceremonies, I have some additional comments:

1) Daniel may feel a little vindication after seeing that there were cocktail dresses in the ceremonies but there are two reason he shouldn't: first of all, the red cocktail dresses looked silly and inappropriate on the Polish Olympic team; and secondly, the dresses were still a million times better than the one he designed.

2) Most of the uniforms were incredibly boring. I think I like the fashions at the winter Olympics better. I was pretty disappointed and really bored with all the blazers. Yes, some of the blazers looked pretty good but they were just so dull and not the best thing to wear in that heat.

3) The Americans looked pretty sharp in their Ralph Lauren blazers but it was such a boring look. The athletes could have just gone out and bought their own blue blazers; there was nothing distinctive about it. The French women looked great in their red wraps around their waists; very French, very stylish, simple yet distinctive. I loved the British uniforms; the casual blazers without shoulder pads looked much more appropriate and slightly cooler than all the structured blazers; and they looked distinctive and fun without looking silly.

4) I've changed my mind about thinking Joe should have won last week. Obviously, after having seen the ceremonies, his look was much too sporty and casual. And since he says he watches the ceremonies every time, he should have realized this. Terri obviously had the look closest to what the Americans actually wore; in fact, I think her look would have been better. But I think I agree with the judges that Korto should have won; her look would have been distinctive and stood out among all the other teams' blazers and the sleeveless top and light-weight loose-fitting pant would have been a little cooler than some of the other uniforms.

5) China couldn't spend a few hundred million dollars to air-condition that stadium? Come on!

This week the designers will be creating a look for a powerful and glamorous woman. Blayne immediately thinks of Hillary Clinton. Can you think of anyone more powerful and glamorous than Hillary Clinton? I can think of a few people: Queen Elizabeth II, Dame Edna Everage, the Pope. But no, it's Brooke Shields!

Pleather: "Wackadoodle!"

Other Eric: "I love Brooke Shields! Make sure everyone knows I love Brooke Shields!"

He loves Brooke Shields, everyone.

So, this week in the quick-draw challenge (OK, I just made that up) the designers have to draw pictures for Brooke Shields for an outfit to be worn on Lipstick Mafia Jungle, the new hit show about women who are in the mafia and also wear lipstick and live in the jungle. And also they cheat on their husbands and wear fabulous shoes. What more could you ask for? Oh, shirtless men? You got it!

Brooke explains how this season will be a departure by telling us nothing we didn't already know from last season. She needs a look that will transition from day to evening. And the designers will be working in teams of two.

Daniel: "Because my father is from Mars and my mother is from Venus, I think I really have an understanding of how different people can be. I realize this is completely irrelevant but I thought I'd mention it."

OK, Brooke seems so comfortable with the designers and she's so nice to them. She should be frightened but she isn't. Good for her! She picks six designers, who then pick their partners:

Keith (working with Kenley)

Korto (working with Joe)

Jerell (working with Stella)

Kelli (working with Daniel)

Terri (working with Pleather)

Blayne (working with Leanne)

Tim: "Let's go shake it! I mean shopping! Where did that come from?"

Look, I'm totally down with "ugly" prints. But Kenley seems to forget to use the quotes and keeps picking genuinely ugly fabric. I appreciate that her taste isn't boring but I think it's just slightly off.

Back in the design room, Terri is getting pissed off with Pleather because he's too scared to sew the top:

Terri: "Just do it! I don't care if you have to cry and cut! Now go into the sewing room and don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!"

Wow, Terri; that was harsh. So they end up with a top that either looks fabulous or like a piece of shit:

Terri: "So, Tim, it looks like a piece of shit, doesn't it?"

Tim: "No, I love it!"

Terri: "So do I! I think it's fabulous!"

Blayne tells us that his mental problems are hereditary, which is good to know.

Korto and Joe are arguing about the bagginess of the jacket. Korto tells a story about Joe being hit by a bus. I can't remember whether she said she would try to keep him from getting hit by a bus or if she would just let him walk in front of a bus because it would be his own damn fault. Either way, I enjoyed the story and I hope she tells it again sometime.

Kenley tells us how Daniel cracks her up with his constant talk about his elegant, sophisticated taste:

Kenley: "Daniel has such an amazing sense of humor!"

On to the runway. The judges are Heidi, Michael, Nina, and Brooke Shields:

Other Eric: "I love Brooke Shields!"

Korto and Joe's saffron orange jacket over a tan dress was pretty nice. I think I can see Brooke's character wearing that. But the color of the dress was good for the model but wouldn't be good for Brooke. And the fit of the dress was terrible. Other Eric thinks the orange would be a hard color to pull off for day. Overall, I like it and think Korto pulled off another great silhouette.

Kelli and Daniel create a completely godawful look. It looks like no thought went into this. I don't care how badly Daniel screwed up the skirt, the design is just terrible. It's the most basic silhouette you could make and the fabrics just look cheap.

Jerell and Stella really worked well together and it shows in their outfit. Stella got to work with her precious leather and Jerell got to create lots of separate elements and it looks like their two styles mixed together perfectly to create an outfit was was totally appropriate for this challenge. It's a look that says, "I'm a stylish woman who just opened my closet and threw together this outfit at the last minute." I can absolute see Brooke's character wearing this to the office and out to dinner.

Keith and Kenley's look is very nice but I don't actually love it. I agree with Nina that it is a little too dressy for day.

Terri and Pleather's look is also pretty nice.

Blayne and Leanne made an outfit with Bermuda shorts. At first I thought the shorts looked about as good as shorts could; so I wondered why Brooke had a problem with them after approving the drawing. But, after further consideration, I think these shorts could have been dressed up in a different fabric or maybe paired with a jacket.

Blayne impresses me by taking full responsibility for his vision, saying that he should be sent home instead of Leanne. Kelli says Daniel should be sent home instead of her, even though it was entirely her awful design. Wrong answer, Kelli! Kelli is out!

Keith wins. Look for this design on the new season of Lipstick Mafia Jungle. If you bother to watch that show. Which, apparently I will:

Other Eric: "You love that show!"

Me: "No, I really don't."

Other Eric: "Yes you do! We're watching it!"

Me: "Fine."

I leave you with the question of Daniel's taste level:

Daniel: "My taste is impeccable. I have very high-end taste. What's so funny, Kenley?"

Kenley: "Oh, my God, you're going to die, Daniel, it's so funny! I was just telling the camera how you are always saying that you have such high-end taste, even though you obviously don't! Isn't that hilarious?!"

Daniel: "I don't get it."

Friday, August 08, 2008

Shear Genius Season Two, Episode Seven: Hairplane (Don't call me Shirley edition)!

Click here for my Project Runway recap!

Kim Vo: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking crack!"

OK, so last week they somehow managed to completely screw up the Charlie's Angels episode. And that's quite an accomplishment. Glenn was sent home for no reason and nobody won.

Jaclyn: "Because you were all so bad last week, there is no picture on the Allure Wall of Horrors. I just hope this spectacular indignity will teach you all a valuable lesson."

The guest judge for the quickfire is some nutjob:

Nutjob: "If everyone would wash their hair with sardines, we could stop the effects of global warming."

uh . . . right. Anyway, the geniuses have to make really big hair using food as styling products.

Nekisa: "Hmm. What do you make of this?"

Charlie: "Well, I can make a brooch or a pterodactyl or . . ."

Never mind. Daniel has an allergy to peanuts so he picks peanut butter. He points out that his willingness to go into anaphylactic shock proves how devoted he is to this competition.

Daniel has to go to the hospital:

Jaclyn: "The hospital? What is it?"

It's a big building where sick people go. But that isn't important right now.

OK, so Daniel doesn't really have to go to the hospital. He just thinks peanut butter is yucky. Isn't he a brave little soldier for using it anyway?

The guest judge is talking to Dee about her hair:

Nutjob: "The hair is getting taller."

Charlie: "And Leon's getting larger."

Seriously, why is Charlie butting into every conversation?

I actually like Charlie's look. It would look great in a fashion show. Dee's was OK. But Paulo wins with a big curly mess.

Rene introduces the geniuses to the adorable little doggies they'll have to groom.

Charlie: "Rene, do you enjoy watching gladiator movies?"

The geniuses will have to give similar cuts to their human and dog clients. The geniuses have never had a problem making their clients look like dogs before so this shouldn't be a problem.

Nekisa "decides" at the last minute to add some color to her client's hair. She mainly "decides" to do this because Rene tells her to.

Rene asks Charlie who his biggest competitor is:

Charlie: "Dee is talented but she's a bitch."

Dee: "A bi...?"

Charlie: "No; not a bi...; a bitch."

On to the hairway:

I thought Charlie's model looked fine. It was a curly up do, which looked a little like her curly-haired dog.

I really liked Paulo's. I thought the cut was really rocker-cool and shaggy like the dog. I thought this was one of the best and can't believe he was almost eliminated.

Everything about Nekisa's was awful, as usual.

Nicole did a great job. Her client looked really cute and she added highlights that were close to the dog's color.

Dee did a good job. the style and color were clearly inspired by the dog.

Daniel's was fine but shouldn't have been at the top. He just put up his client's hair and put extensions on the dog. Certainly weird, but not that great.

On to the judging:

Jaclyn: "Stylists, every dog has his day."

Paulo: "Oh, my God, Jaclyn, that is hilarious!"

Jaclyn: "Really?"

Nekisa thinks her client and dog look exactly alike:

Kim: "They don't look alike at all. The dog's name is Waffles so I would expect some crimping in the client's hair. Am I crazy?"


Other Eric: "He may be crazy but he's right."

Charlie admits that he was not into it this week. I like his honesty.

Dee rightly wins the challenge.

Nekisa has finally, finally given her final cut. Finally.

Rene: "So, who is going to win the competition?"

I can't tell.

Rene: "You can tell me. I'm a hairdresser."
Project Runway Season Five, Episode Four: Rings of Glory (a.k.a. Glory Holes)!

Heidi: "Hey Tim, is this skirt too short?"

Tim: "Oh, good lord! Are you even wearing a skirt?"

OK, so last week Emily got eliminated and Kenley won with a dress that hurt my eyes. I want to apologise if it seemed that I hated her dress. I didn't. I actually liked the silhouette, I thought it was well made, and I totally appreciate the 80s influence. I even understood where she was trying to go with the fabric; I just don't think she got there. I hated that fabric. But I think in a slightly different fabric I would have liked that dress. So anyway, congratulations, Kenley!

Tim takes the designers on another field trip:

Blayne: "Oh, please be a tanning salon! Please, please, please!"

Tim: "Uh, yeah, it's not a tanning salon. But if you really want to tan that badly, I encourage you to stick your head out of the window of the moving car. Lean out as far as you can."

Tim takes them to a track and field center:

Leanne: "This is going to be a really different challenge."

Or will it actually be EXACTLY THE SAME?!!!

The designers are so excited to see Sasha Cohen skating up to them! Except it turns out to be Apolo Ohno.

Tim: "Apolo Ohno has nothing to do with the summer Olympics so we thought he would be the perfect guest judge for a challenge that won't really have anything to do with the Olympics in China this year. You will be designing uniforms that nobody will ever wear. Good luck!"

Seriously, what's the point? This is a combination of the Sasha Cohen challenge and the postal-carrier challenge. They will be designing uniforms for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics, which is a great idea, except they should have gotten someone who actually participates in the summer Olympics and they should have forced the US Olympic team to actually wear the winning design. I'm sure Heidi has the power to make that happen.

Anyway, most of the designers really do not get the concept of a uniform. Uniforms can be interesting, fun, sexy, cutting edge, or even weird. But they need to be fairly simple and they have to look good in groups and at a distance. In other words, you have to imagine 100 people standing together wearing the exact same outfit. A perfectly nice outfit can look really bizarre if a whole group of people are wearing the same thing. And if there is too much going on (too many different colors, too much pattern, etc.), a whole group is going to look messy. That's not what you want with a team uniform.

So the designers look at past uniforms and, of course, pick all the wrong inspirations. Instead of looking at what would be appropriate for recent games, they seemed to be basing their designs on completely anachronistic ideas:

Remember that year all the women wore burkas?

How about when the entire track team wore space uniforms because the Olympics were being held on the moon that year?

Or remember back in 300 B.C. when everyone was just naked?

The designers shop for fabric at Mood. Tim gets passive-aggressive:

Tim: "Oh, god. You're using black?"

Stella: "Is that a problem?"

Tim: "No, no. I'm just asking."

Back in the design room, Kenley is laughing. What an inconsiderate bitch. Can't she see people are trying to be miserable? She's ruining it for everyone.

Tim has to explain to Blayne what Dr. Pepper is:

Tim: "It's this soda people used to drink that's kind of like Mountain Dew except that you don't have to go bungee-jumping in order to drink it."

Blayne: "Tim is so old."

Joe is complaining about all the queens. What is it with homosexuals and their constant need to re-thread sewing machines? Will the madness never end?

Joe: "That sewing machine was my muse!"

On to the runway:

Korto created a pretty nice, simple outfit with a full pant and sleeveless top. It's white with red and blue trim and it works as a uniform, although I'm worried the top would not look great on a woman with really muscular arms.

Pleather created a cute red, white, and blue dress that might work as a cheerleading uniform but seems wrong for an Olympic athlete.

Kelli created an outfit that would probably work for a community-theater production of Oklahoma! but wasn't quite right for this challenge.

Joe created an excellent, sporty outfit. I think this should have won. The only complaint I would have is that it almost looked like something an athlete would actually wear for competition and they might want something slightly more formal for the ceremonies.

Leanne's outfit was fine.

Daniel screwed up royally with a royal blue cocktail dress and should have been sent home. The dress was totally inappropriate for the challenge. Most super-muscular women would look terrible in it. And a big group of women all wearing that dress would look like they were auditioning for a really bad Robert Palmer video. Inexcusable.

Jerrell's outfit just had too much going on and the hat was ridiculous:

Other Eric: "Oh, my God. It's Wallis Simpson!"

Yes it is!

Stella's outfit was OK but you would have no idea it was for the US team. I would guess it was for a team from some fictional communist country. Like the Republic of Vladistan.

Keith's outfit was fine. The top was pretty nice but his signature poofy miniskirt didn't work for this challenge.

Terri's outfit was really good. The jacket looked very well made and I think it would work as a uniform. Other Eric points out that this look could easily be adapted for the men's team, as well. The only problem I have with it is that I think there are too many different stripes that would be distracting on a large group of people. The scarf needs to go.

Jennifer thinks her yellow striped skirt really represents America:

Jennifer: "It's surreal."

Well, that's for sure. This was a very close second for worst garment.

Shockingly, Blayne actually created a very good outfit. It looked like a stylish version of a jogging suit. The pink stripes made it impossible to tell what country it represented but I really thought this was one of the better ones.

Kenley's outfit is something you would wear to brunch, not to the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. However, it squeaks by in the middle of the pack because some of the others are so much worse.

Korto wins! Congratulations, Korto. It could have easily been Joe or Terri, however. All three were very good.

It is also hard to pick a loser, as the three bottom designs are all horrific. Daniel, Jennifer, and Jerrell just did not get it. As I said, I think Daniel's was the worst. But it was only just barely worse than the other two. The judges are completely confused by these garments.

Michael gets all Yiddish on Jerrell's ass:

Michael: "It's meshugener!"

I think meshugener actually mean "crazy person" and I suspect Michael actually meant that the look is meshuge.

Now for the controversy surrounding Daniel's blue fabric. Who thought it looked blue? It absolutely looked royal blue on our television. And it did not look the same as his shirt, which did look purple. Fabric does change color in different light but there isn't much he could do about that:

Heidi: "You should have brought the fabric back here and held it under the runway lights and then gone back to Mood and picked different fabric."

That really wasn't an option, Heidi.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Shear Genius Season Two, episode six: Kim Vo is on crack!

Click here for my Project Runway recap!

I'm back! Thanks to other Eric for filling in for me last week! He did such a good job that I'm not convinced that I didn't write it myself! I just got back last night so I'm busy trying to catch up with everything.

Recapping last week, the guest judge demonstrated that there are other European hair stylists with accents almost as silly as Rene's. Who knew? The designers created some pretty bad styles for some bald women; most of the women looked better in the wigs they came in with. Nicole did a really good job, even though she cried through the whole thing. She should have won. Instead, Paulo won. Gail was cut. Nekisa miraculously lives to cut another day. And, though Other Eric finds Charley annoying, I find I like him more every week.

On to this week: The designers enter the studio and Paulo's work is up on the Allure Wall of Horrors:

Jaclyn: "Congratulations, Paulo. Your client's hair looked just like my hair. If my hair were a really bad wig."

The quickfire is about creating really fake color. And nobody knows fake like Kim Vo.

In come the mental patients. I mean the clients. The geniuses start working on making their hair bright blue and fuchsia and yellow and purple. But not green. Because that would look bad.

Dee: "I usually work in a color pyramid with light at the top. But this time I'm reversing it and putting light at the bottom and also at the top and maybe in the middle. And on the sides. And then I'm going to turn the pyramid into a parallelogram."

OK, I was surprised at the results. I thought they were all going to look really stupid but some of the colors actually look kind of nice. I especially liked Dee's. The bright yellow hair in front was amazingly pretty. Why did this look good? Am I on crack?

Paulo and Nekisa are at the bottom. Nekisa blames the sink. Poor Nekisa. Even the plumber is conspiring against her.

Charlie wins. It should have been Dee.

Dee: "Kim Vo is on crack."

Oh, thank god. I thought it was me.

Charlie wins immunity in the elimination challenge. Finally something worth fighting for. But he won't be able to win.

Nekisa starts complaining:

Nekisa: "It's not fair!"

Jaclyn: "Nekisa, sometimes it's important to remember that life isn't always fair."

Nekisa: "You're not my mom!"

Anyway, back at the house, Charlie and Nekisa are arguing. As usual, I don't understand the argument. Something about whether Charlie's ego is bigger than Nekisa's boobs. Who cares?

The next day, the geniuses get to the studio and Rene's voice is on a speaker and he's doing a surprisingly good John Forsythe imitation. Surprisingly good considering it's Rene, that is. He introduces Jaclyn, who explains the Charlie's Angels challenge. Charlie will have a special role in this Charlie's Angels challenge and OMG I just realized why Charlie won the quickfire! Dee's Angels just wouldn't have been as good!

Nekisa: "This is so unfair!"

You can say that again!

So the geniuses are split into teams of two and each team of two will be styling three women who represent the three original Angels. So that's one and a half Angels each, right? I'm so bad at math.

Charlie will be floating around checking on all the Angels. I really have no idea what his role is supposed to be. It's very strange.

Paolo explains again, because his client didn't get to see the first episode of the show, that he had a crush on Jaclyn Smith EVEN THOUGH HE'S GAY! Then Daniel calls for a jihad on vaginas.

On to the hairway with guest judge Kate Jackson.

I think team Nicole and Glenn did the best job. All three of their Angels looked OK. I thought all the other Angels were pretty bad. Nekisa's Farrah was especially awful:

Nekisa: "That's not fair! I've seen pictures of Carrie Underwood with hair like that!"

Kim: "Seriously? You're using Carrie Underwood as your argument?"

Kate tells a charming story about Jaclyn and Farrah brushing their hair:

Kate: "And then I said, 'Hey, guys, let the money brush the hair.'"

Everyone has a good laugh.

No, seriously, what the hell is she talking about? Am I the only one who has no idea what that means?

On to the judging:

Jaclyn: "Everyone please wait in the salon so Kate and I can talk about our amazing hair and how nothing could possibly compete with it's shine, body, and movement."

The judges are so disappointed with all the styles that they decide there will be no winner. Glenn and Nekisa are the bottom two. It's obvious who will be sent home.

But, for some reason, Glenn is sent home, instead! WTF?

Jaclyn: "Now, if you'll excuse us, Kate and I have to get back to talking about our hair."

Kate: "Do you remember what a bitch Farrah was?"
Project Runway Season Five, episode three: Constipation!

For Other Eric's recap click here!

Hi! I'm back from a visit to the land of my ancestors: central Illinois! My grandfather, who is almost completely deaf from riding around on tractors and being yelled at by my grandmother, kept Fox news blasting at top volume except when a baseball game was on. I've never been so happy to watch baseball in all my life. Did you know liberals are the new Ku Klux Klan? I learned that from Bill O'Reilly.

Anyway, I didn't have access to the Internet or to Bravo (except for one night in a Motel 6) so I'm sorry I haven't visited the blogs for a while and I missed a week of posting. But Other Eric did such a good job covering for me that I'm sure you barely noticed I was gone. You ingrates! Seriously, thank you for being so supportive of the fine work Other Eric did while I was away.

So, I managed to watch a repeat of last week's episode in a Motel 6 in Kansas (!) while I was driving back to Los Angeles with my mother. She had never seen Project Runway before so I give you a couple of her reactions:

On Heidi:

My Mom: "Why is that woman's skirt so short?"

Me: "That's one of the great unanswered questions of the universe, mom."

On Tim:

My Mom: "I don't like that man. He's very critical."

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen: my mom doesn't like Tim Gunn! What am I going to do with her?

So, anyway, last week the fabulous Natalie Portman was hawking her shoes, the adorable Wesley was sent home for his horrible mess (Wah!), and Pleather won the challenge and continued to annoy the other contestants by claiming to be bisexual. Seriously, everyone is assuming that he is talking about himself in the third person but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he may be talking about another person who is just coincidentally also named Pleather. Eric and I have this problem all the time when we talk about each other.

Can I just say that I loved the twist where the models picked the fabric? Well, I did. The results were pretty crappy but I liked the challenge.

On to this week! Heidi asks her usual question:

Heidi: "Hey Tim, is this skirt too short?"

Tim: "[sigh] yes."

Heidi: "You didn't even look!"

Tim: "I don't need to look at you to know that your skirt is too short."

Heidi: "Ha! I tricked you! I'm wearing jeans!"

Good one, Heidi!

The designers are sent back to the apartments to prepare for a night on the town. None of them fall for it. They think it would be nice to go out to dinner or a club but they know they won't.

Tim dresses them in body condoms and drives them around the city in an open-topped bus provided by Saturn. The designers will be taking pictures of New York that inspire them. I guess this is going to be the season where we just repeat challenges from previous seasons. Yes, I know; this is totally different because it's at night and the designers are dropped off in different parts of the city.

What is inspiring the designers? Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Terri is taking pictures of graffiti.
Kelli is taking pictures of police caution tape.
Daniel is taking pictures of dirty water.
Stella never figures out how to use the camera.
Keith is taking pictures of fabric.
And Blain takes a picture of an orchid in Michael Kors' studio:

Michael: "Get out of my studio, you orange-skinned freak!"

The next day the designers choose one photograph and then head to Mood.

Stella never figures out how to use the fabric store.

Terri is choosing a fabric with all the colors of her graffiti in it. Seriously, Terri? Well, at least it isn't the same fabric Austin used in season one.

Stella is hammering gay little grommets into her precious leather. It's pissing everyone off. It makes Blaine so mad he eats Kenley.

Tim tells Emily that her garment is a disappointment. Emily takes this as a mixed review. I guess it was a mix of bad review and a negative review.

Tim asks Terri whether she's going for an "Oh, my God" moment or an "Oh, my God" moment. Terri clarifies that it will definitely be an "Oh, my God" moment. Tim says, "Oh, my God, I hope so."

Tim then hollers at his boy and goes home.

The next day, Keith's model drops out and is replaced by Austin Scarlett.

The guest judge this week is the 19th-c. French stage actress Sarah Bernhardt.

Keith made a dress covered in little squares of fabric. I guess I see the shredded newspaper influence but it doesn't quite work because it's too shapeless.

Blaine attached a rainbow flag to a black dress. I don't get it. His photographs was cool, though.

Joe's little cocktail dress looks exactly like his photograph of a light fixture. I hate it.

Emily attached orange and yellow ruffles to a black dress. It looks like Blaine's but it's even worse.

Leanne created a cute skirt and top based on a photograph of a planter grate. I don't know if it represents New York at night but it's pretty good.

Jennifer realises that her dress is not that great. The clock inspiration was a good idea. It just didn't translate into the dress.

Jerell made a dress that is a little too formal for a fun night out on the town. I don't see the inspiration of the photograph. It's kind of pretty, though.

Kelli created a look based on a black fire hydrant. I kind of like it.

Daniel created a dress based on a blank wall. It was about as exciting as looking a blank wall.

Kenley created a dress that is so ugly I can't look at it.

Pleather is worried that his dress doesn't look like New York. It's a valid concern but I like the dress.

Stella . . . I don't know what to think about this outfit. It wasn't bad but it wasn't very exciting, either.

Korto made a jumpsuit. I love jumpsuits because people are so scared of them and I think she made a good one. I just don't think it was very inspiring.

Terri . . . Oh, my God.

Terri: "See! I told you!"

No, really. Oh, my God. The model worked the crap out of that outfit but nothing could save it for me. I hate that fabric.

The judges were apparently smoking the same thing the designers were this week. They love Kenley's horrific dress because they think someone who had never seen clothes from the 80s would like it. And Terri's fabulous model was able to trick the judges into thinking her outfit was fabulous. The judges were able, however, to notice that Leanne's garment was very good and that Emily's was awful.

Kenley wins. I'm not with the judges on this one but, since I wasn't very impressed with any of the garments this week, I don't really care.

Emily is out. They got that right.

Nina: "As Editor-at-Large for Elle magazine, which is a completely made-up position, I believe it is beneath my dignity to comment on that dress."