Project Runway Season Five, Finale, Part Two: We survived another season!

Heidi: "Welcome to the finale of season five! I know I say this every time but this was definitely the worst season ever!"

Harvey Weinstein: "You're welcome!"

Seriously, I understand that the Weinsteins hate Bravo so they don't want to make a good show and Bravo wants to make sure Lifetime is buying a piece of shit so they don't want to promote the show, but I think they might have gone a little overboard. So we get the least talented group of designers, the worst challenges, and then no reunion show? Hello? Project Runway? Bravo just isn't that into you. After watching this season I can't help wondering if Lifetime could possibly do a worse job. I have a sneak peek of season six at the end of the post.

Anyway, last week Jerell was out and the remaining three designers have brought their collections to New York and they are making the final preparations for their runway shows:

They pick models. Korto needs hair, Leanne likes aliens, and we have an exciting two second reunion with Morgan from season one. We also get to see that girl I liked from "Make Me a Supermodel." Remember her? She was actually too tall to be a model! I didn't know that was possible.

The designers learn that they need to prune their collections from twelve to ten looks.

Tim argues with Kenley about the judges' reaction to her wedding dress:

Kenley: "Well, you aren't going to be the one judging my collection so I don't care what you think!"

[insert laugh track here]

Korto is so disappointed that Tim hasn't sprung one final challenge on her that she decides to make two new looks at the last minute. It doesn't help.

Tim makes his rounds and tells Kenley he's not crazy about the ropes:

Kenley: "Well, my dad would think this is rad as hell."

Kenley's Dad: "Yeah, I think it's rad as hell. Because I'm a tugboat captain and I say things like that."

A dog walks into the design room and shits on the floor:

Harvey Weinstein: "You're welcome!"

On the day of the show the designers are dressing the models. One of Leanne's models lost weight and one of Kenley's models gained weight so they switch models. Not really. Kenley finally zips her model into the dress but Leanne has to put her model in a dress she wasn't planning to use. It's not a great dress.

Jennifer Lopez was supposed to be the guest judge but she lost a foot in a horrible Manolo Blahnik accident and is recovering in Greece. Tim Gunn will be taking her place because they couldn't find anyone else. It's too bad there were no other fashionable celebrities in New York during New York Fashion Week. What? There were? Well, anyway, Tim is the guest judge:

Tim: "Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit! I am so pleased to be here!"

It's not that I don't think Tim makes a good judge, but there was a reason he hadn't done it before: there is the slight conflict of interest problem because he is the designers' mentor and is involved in the work process.

I was shocked by this announcement:

Me: "What? Jennifer Lopez was supposed to be the guest judge and she's not there?"

Other Eric: "Are you kidding? We've known about this for weeks!"

Me: "Well, I don't pay attention to the fashion shows and I work very hard to remain clueless. Just like Kenley."

Let's see the shows!

Kenley is inspired by Alice in Wonderland. Whatever. Other Eric and I like three looks in the middle of her collection: the black tulle skirt, the long black dress, and the adorable white dress with the full skirt and painted flowers. That one was especially cute. There were pieces I really liked in this collection but, overall, it wasn't very good.

Korto wants to know if you are ready for her. Well are ya, punk?

I really didn't like this collection. Some of the colors were nice. That's about the best thing I can say. Most of the pieces were wearable and pretty but I was bored. I can't believe she didn't come up with something more exciting.

Leanne lost millions of hours of sleep over her collection. You can tell. I recommend Lunesta. Because that Ambien shit will seriously mess you up. One of the side effects is sleep-sewing. It's tragic. Leanne's collection was interesting but it was a little too much "variations on a theme" for me. It was certainly cohesive. That's good, right? Actually, I really liked many of the pieces but I just got a little bored by the repetition. But I guess it's the best of the three.

Leanne wins a hundred thousand dollars:

Leanne: "This brotha's gettin' paid !"

uh, ok

So, here's the preview of season six on Lifetime:

Season Six of Project Runway, staring Tracey Gold in the inspirational true story of an aspiring fashion designer who overcomes a brain tumor, a rape, and the abduction of her child and seeks revenge against her cheating husband.

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

Project Runway Season Five, Finale Part One: A Very Eric Wedding!

What does that title mean, you ask? Well, it was just a coincidence that this episode was about a wedding dress challenge because Other Eric and I just went down to the Beverly Hills courthouse this morning and picked up our marriage license. I would like to take this opportunity to remind people that there is a ballot initiative on the November ballot in California to take away the right to marry from same-sex couples. I think most people reading this blog would agree that gays and lesbians should have equal rights. But just in case some of you think using the word "marriage" sounds weird because we aren't used to it, ask yourself this: Is the fact that a word sounds weird because we aren't used to it a valid reason to discriminate against people? The answer is clearly no. If you live in California, please vote no on Proposition 8. Whether or not you live in California, please consider donating money to help defeat this ballot initiative. The No on 8 campaign is running excellent television commercials but they need more money. You can donate online at Equality California. Thank you!

Heidi: "Wow, now I almost feel silly asking Tim if my skirt is too short."

Last week nobody was eliminated and Jerell got no advantage for winning. Oh, and everyone hates Kenley.

This week we learn that the four finalists will go home for two months to create collections and, as part of those collections, they will each be designing a wedding gown that will judged in order to pick the final three.

Everyone goes outside and catches taxis:

Jerell: "I don't know what the other girls will be doing with their eight thousand dollars but I will be buying some high-grade cocaine!"

Tim visits Korto in Little Rock:

Tim: "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be in Arkansas."

Korto: "Well, who wouldn't be?"

I love the colors in Korto's collection but the shapes are not as exciting as I would have liked. And, apparently, Arkansas has some weird-ass wildlife:

Korto: "I'm using the colors of the florescent lime-green trees outside and I've been killing and skinning these gold-lamé snakes."

Tim: "Well, I think it's fabulous. I'm just a little concerned about the fact that this one dress looks like a gigantic vagina."

We meet Korto's lovely family, she performs for us on the drums, and she tells us how her family had to flee the civil war in Liberia and start over in the United States.

Next, Tim visits Leanne in Portland:

Leanne: "Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be on Project Runway. This is a dream come true."

I really like the flaps on Leanne's collection. I'm liking it much more than I liked anything she did in the competitions. Her wedding dress is awful. She's going to change it.

Tim visits Jerell in Los Angeles:

Jerell really specializes in separates so obviously he is doing a collection of hideous evening gowns. I'm really not liking what he's showing Tim.

We meet Jerell's "love interest":

Jerell: "We aren't dating; we're just interested."

OK, I don't think I've ever heard anyone use that term before but I just realized that's how you describe characters in a story:

Jerell: "Right; this is a story about the world-famous fashion designer Jerell, who has a retrospective of his life at the Metropolitan Museum. Oh, and of course there is also a love interest."

Whatever. We also meet Jerell's mom:

Tim: "What did you think Jerell would be when he grew up?"

Jerell's Mom: "Well, I had no idea but I knew it would be something gay. I'm so proud of him."

Jerell also tells us about growing up in South Central during the riots. I can't immagine. It was scary enough being an adult and living in Hollywood during the riots.

Tim visits Kenley in Brooklyn. I don't see enough of Kenley's collection to form an opinion. She tells us about her grandmother and that she died really recently. Like right about the time they were finishing filming of the main part of the show. I'm assuming it happened right after they left to start making their collections because she didn't leave during filming to attend a funeral. That's so sad.

Pleather: "Oh, yeah, Kenley's grandmother visited me in my dreams and told me to wear my underpants on my head."

Oh, shut up, Pleather. That is so rude.

For some reason, we don't meet any of Kenley's family or friends. She must have at least one friend, right? Right?

The designers meet up in New York. The designers give Kenley a little bit of a cold shoulder but Jerell is at least polite to her and after she apologizes for being a bitch, people start to relax and are a little friendlier. The champagne probably helped, too.

The for final surprise challenge they have to design a bridesmaid's dress to go with their wedding dresses.

Jerell: "My bridesmaid's dress is perfect because it's really ugly."

Korto: "My bridesmaid's dress is going to look exactly like the wedding dress."

Sure, what bride wants to be the center of attention?

Tim cries.

On to the runway with no special guest judge:

Jerell's wedding dress is almost pretty. I completely agree with Nina that the warm gold of the satin and the cool grey of the tulle doesn't look right. It looks accidental. I don't like his bridesmaid's dress. It isn't terrible and I see the connection to the wedding dress but I just don't like it.

Kenley's wedding dress is gorgeous! It's nothing original but it's very cute. Her little blue bridesmaid's dress is also very cute.

Korto's wedding dress is pretty hideous. I really don't like it. Her bridesmaid's dress is OK but the judges find it inexcusably boring.

Leanne's wedding dress is pretty amazing. It's both pretty and interesting. It perfectly represents her collection. Her bridesmaid's dress is very pretty and works perfectly with the wedding dress. The flaps are really dramatic without looking gimmicky.

The judges love Leanne's and she will be competing at Bryant Park.

The judges think Kenley's dress is a copy of an Alexander McQueen but they love it anyway. She will be competing at Bryant Park.

They hate both of Korto's dresses and both of Jerell's dresses. Jerell is out!

I was a Korto supporter from the first episode but I think the judges made the wrong decision on this one. Korto completely blew this challenge and should have been out. Jerell screwed up too but slightly less than Korto.

Next week we get to meet a dear old drunk, er, I mean, a dear old friend.

Project Runway Season Five, Episode Twelve: What was the point?

Heidi: "Hey, Tim, how do you like my tuxedo?"

Tim: "It's fine, I guess."

Howie Mandel runs out and rips off Heidi's tuxedo to reveal a miniskirt:

Tim: "What the hell was that?"

Heidi: "It's called comedy, Tim. You wouldn't understand."

We start the episode by learning that Korto is really old:

Korto: "I'm thirty-three."

Wow. She would be in her forties by the end of her second term as president.

We start the hating on Kenley:

Leanne: "Kenley should have gone home long ago because I don't like her."

I guess I missed the part about this being a competition for Leanne's friendship.

Heidi: "Oh, yeah; it's right there in the fine print. Right next to the part about having to pretend you drive a Saturn for the rest of your life."

Jerell is all alone is his apartment and he's losing his mind:

Jerell: "I painted a face on this volleyball with my own blood but it could never take the place of Pleather. For starters, Wilson has too much dignity to talk about himself in the third person."

Heidi comes out in a dress that makes her look like she was swallowed by a very small leopard:

Heidi: "Guess what? We're actually using the models this week! Hey, has anyone seen the models? I know I left them laying around here, somewhere."

Heidi tells us that only three of the designers will be competing at fashion week:

Heidi: "Notice that I said 'competing.'"

Yeah? What's your point?

Tim takes the designers on a field trip to a magical place where flowers and other plants grow right out of the ground, instead of in pots and vases like they are supposed to:

Tim: "It's called a botanical garden."

I think you're making that up.

But, the one thing I would expect to find at a botanical garden, if such a place existed, would be Collier Strong, L'oreal makeup artist. And, sure enough, he's there!

Collier Strong: "I love driving my beautiful and fuel-efficient Botanical Garden to photo-shoots, where I use the new Liquid Extreme Botanical Garden on my clients so they can appear in a spread for the next issue of Botanical Garden."

I am so sick of all the blatant botanical garden promotion on this show.

Anyway, the designers have to design an evening gown inspired by nature.

Then we have a sentimental montage sequence set the music of Tears for Fears: The designers are taking pictures of flowers and having pillow fights, Kenley finds the perfect fuchsia snakeskin fabric and Leanne is being chased by bees, everyone laughs and eats cotton candy on the boardwalk, and then the summer is over and everyone has to go to different colleges.

The scene at Parsons the New School for Design gets ugly when Kenley realizes that she forgot her tulle at Mood and, even thought the other three designers all had tulle they weren't using, none of them will offer her any. I understand they don't like her but that's just rude. One nice thing about Project Runway is that the designers help each other even though it's in their best interest not to. The designers should want to win because they have the best design, not because someone forgot fabric at Mood. I'm not a Kenley fan but I bet she would have given the other designers her extra fabric if they had needed it.

Anyway, to relieve the tension caused by that scene, Alison from season three or four pretends to design some dress inspired by the Saturn that she was forced to drive for a few minutes.

Tim lets Kenley go back to Mood to get her tulle and she is very gracious about not lording it over the other disappointed designers. Thankfully, she can now complete her horrible, hideous dress.

Collier Strong does the makeup for the show:

Collier: "I'm going to use purple eye shadow for the purple dress and green eye shadow for the green dress."

You're a genius, Collier.

Kenley tells us what a struggle her life has been:

Kenley: "My father was a tugboat captain and that's why I turned out like this."

That was such a inspirational story.

Back in the design room Tim makes his rounds:

Korto's lace is bothering him.

Kenley's fish scales are bothering him.

Jerell's unfinishedness is bothering him.

Leanne's Hello Dolly costume is bothering him.

For some reason Tim is so proud of each and every one of them. He gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Remember to borrow egregiously from the Bluefly wall."

Designers: "Absolutely!"

At the commercial break Bravo asks if we would have given our extra tulle to Kenley.

Here are your options:

a) No way would I help that bitch.

b) Absolutely not.

c) Why the hell would I?

d) Kenley can drop dead.

Gosh, that's a tough one.

Before the runway show, we see Korto praying:

Korto: "Dear Suri Cruise, please grant me the strength to get through this challenge."

That's interesting; I didn't know Korto was a Presbyterian.

On to the runway with judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and some woman named Georgina they found hanging out in front of Parsons.

Leanne created this really ugly dress based on lavender. I can see the flower inspiration and I'm sure the ruffles were hard to do but I really hate it. The silhouette is so boring I just want to slap someone. God, I hate this dress. The judges, of course, like it.

Korto created an almost pretty dress based on a really beautiful orange flower. The flower was so gorgeous; it really would have been the perfect time to do some of her magic with volume. Instead, she created a simple silhouette, though not nearly as boring as Leanne. The lace is just godawful. I don't know what she was thinking. The judges think it is a beauty pageant dress.

Jerell's dress is the only one that's interesting. It's based on roses and I think it's really kind of cool. His model looks like she has a stick up her ass but I think she always looks like that. The dress isn't finished well but the judges like it.

Kenley created a dress for a drag queen. The top part is actually a very beautifully-fitted, though boring, sheath dress. But then she put all these horribly tacky leaves on the bottom. It looks like a craft project. Nina thinks it looks like a reptile:

Nina: "But not in a cool way."

That's right. It looks like a reptile in an uncool way.

Heidi: "It's not elegant."

Kenley: "I wasn't going for elegant, Heidi!"

Heidi: "Well, we don't like it."

Kenley: "I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LIKE IT, HEIDI!"

Michael: "Kenley, why are you being so ungrateful? We all are such big fans and we just care about you so much and want you to succeed."

Nina: "Oh, don't be such a yenta, Michael. We all hate her."

Jerell wins . . . nothing. No, seriously, did he win anything other than bragging rights? I always say someone didn't win anything and then someone points out that I'm wrong and he actually won an internship as an assistant Editor at Large or a date with Collier Strong or a shirt inspired by the amazing new Saturn or something. Let me know if I missed the prize.

Heidi tells us that this was the closest decision in the history of the world:

Heidi: "Actually, just in the history of Project Runway."

Same thing. Then she tells us who is out:

Heidi: "Nobody is out!"

I KNEW IT! YOU LIAR! You said only three people were going to Bryant Park!

Heidi: "No. I said only three would be competing at Bryant Park. Remember?"

oh, yeah.

So, all four of them will create collections and be back for Fashion Week but one of them will be out before the show so that only three will be competing in the finale. It's similar to last season. The difference is that, instead of the bottom two competing against each other for the third spot, any one of them could be out. So we are exactly where we were when this challenge started. If it weren't for the hideous dresses, this challenge would have been a complete waste of time.

I leave you with the designers telling us which of the other designers should not be competing at Bryant Park:

Leanne: "Kenley sucks."

Korto: "Kenley sucks."

Jerell: "Kenley sucks."

Kenley: "Well, I think Korto's style is just too classic to really wow them at Fashion Week."

Korto: "I can't believe you would say such a horrible thing."

Project Runway Season Five, episode eleven: Fashion Rocks!

In response to a comment I received last week, I'd just like to remind my readers that my blog, much like reality television, bears almost no resemblance to reality. Also, I love all the Project Runway designers (except for Daniel Franco), wish them no harm (except for Daniel Franco), and my teasing is all meant in fun (except toward Daniel Franco). No designers were harmed in the writing of my recaps (except for that time I punched Daniel Franco in the nuts. But I was hopped up on Tang and VH1 Classics so I really can't be held responsible for my actions. Plus his nuts were just begging to be punched. Don't pretend like you wouldn't have done it if you'd had the chance.)

Heidi: "Tim, do you like my skirt?"

Tim: "Yes, it's beautiful! The fabric is lovely and it's a very nice length. What's up with that?"

Heidi: "Don't worry. I'm only going to wear it for a few minutes and then I'll change into something shorter."

So, we start the episode with Pleather going home. Wait. What? Oh, shit; we just saw the end of the episode accidentally. Well, never mind; I have the retention of a gnat so I'm sure I'll forget all about it in a few minutes.

We actually start the episode with Leanne telling us how cool it would be if it were all girls in the final. Well, Leanne, now that Joe is gone, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be all girls in the final. And I think Jerell might just be one of those girls.

Three models are out. But wait, it gets even better for the models:

Heidi: "Now that we've spent all this time choosing new models, I'll let you in on a little secret: You won't be using the models this week, either!"

Models: "Oh, for the love of God! What the HELL are we doing here?!"

Heidi: "It sucks to be a model, right? I think it's good to learn that lesson early."

Tim joins the few remaining designers to tell them about this week's challenge:

Tim: "Look at you! I can count you on one hand!"

Kenley: "Do you have to use your hands to count, Tim?"

Tim: "I could do without your sarcasm, Kenley."

Ooh, the tension is building!

Anyway, the designers will be making outfits for each other based on assigned musical genres:

Pleather will be creating a rock-and-roll look for Jerell.

Kenley will be creating a hip hop look for Leanne.

Korto will be creating a punk look for Pleather.

Jerell will be creating a pop look for Kenley.

Leanne will be creating a country look for Korto.

Tim: "Fashion rocks, people!"

Korto: "I am going to be dressed up like Dolly Parton. Please kill me."

Pleather: "Pleather is a classically-trained cellist. I could easily dress Jerell as a classically-trained cellist but I don't know how to do rock-and-roll."

Tim makes the rounds:

Tim: "Kenley, pretend I'm from the moon and try to explain to me what the hell you think you're doing."

Kenley: "Well, I've noticed that hip hop artists are all wearing really cute fifties-inspired dresses lately."

Tim: "Oh, really?"

Kenley: "Yes, that's right."

Tim: "You've been studying hip hop artists and that's what they're wearing?"

Kenley: "Yes! I think I know a little more about hip hop than some old guy who gets all his information from some stupid 'Fashion Rocks' supplement to his New Yorker magazine!"

Oh, she did NOT just say that!

They decide to solve this conflict the old fashioned way: a winner-take-all game of ping pong. What? OK, fine. That didn't happen. I just didn't know how to end this story.

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Remember to borrow ironically from the Bluefly wall."

Designers: "Whatever."

On to the runway with guest judge LL Cool J.

Leanne comes out wearing Kenley's hip hop outfit. It's completely Leanne's fault that this sucked so badly. If she had just acted more hip hop I'm sure she could have made the outfit work.

Kenley: "I could do without your sarcasm."

Sorry. Yeah, OK, that outfit was seriously, seriously bad. Kenley is obviously going home.

Other Eric: "We already KNOW who's going home!"

Oh, right. Damn.

Kenley starts arguing with LL:

Kenley: "What the hell do you know about hip hop?!"

LL: "It looks like someone needs to spend a little more time with her 'Fashion Rocks' supplement."

Kenley, by the way, looks super cute! She is wearing Jerell's pop outfit and she has never looked better. Jerell's outfit is really sexy without being slutty. The little vest was distracting, though. I can understand that he thought the dress needed something extra but the vest was wrong. He still should have won.

Korto comes out dressed in Leanne's country outfit. It's really not that bad. The top looks country, though in kind of a costumey way. The skirt wasn't really country and it had some execution problems but Korto has really got it going on in the trunk department and that skirt was surprisingly flattering on her.

Michael: "She looks like a woman going out to eat ribs."

Leanne: "Thank you, Michael. That's what I was going for."

Pleather comes out wearing Korto's punk outfit. The pants are kind of cool but the shirt is kind of stupid. The judges love it:

Michael: "OH MY GOD, HE LOOKS SO HOT IN THAT OUTFIT!"

Yeah, that drag queen makeup is SO punk.

Korto: "I used genuine pleather on the shirt."

Well, in that case I love it!

Korto wins!

Jerell comes out dressed like Jerell. Oh, actually he's apparently wearing Pleather's rock-and-roll outfit. The judges are not impressed:

Nina: "It needs more oomph."

Michael: "I agree. More oomph."

Heidi: "That's what I have written down here on my card: 'more oomph.'"

LL: "I'm always partial to some extra oomph, myself."

Tim: "I told him to add oomph but would he listen?"

Project Runway Season Five, episode ten: Working girls!

Heidi: "Tim, I just saw a photograph of myself and I noticed that my skirt is really short! Why didn't anyone say anything?!"

Tim: [sigh]

Last week two or three people were out and somebody won. This week Kenley has a strategy:

Kenley: "Last week I was at the bottom so this week I'm not going to do anything any differently!"

It's so crazy it just might work!

We are introduced to some special ladies:

Heidi: "And by 'special' we mean 'plus sized.'"

But it turns out the designers will not be creating garments for these ladies. They will be creating new looks for the ladies' special daughters:

Heidi: "And by 'special' we mean 'hot tranny messes.'"

So, the designers will be doing makeovers for these very special college graduates:

Heidi: "And by 'special' we mean 'community college.'"

Oh, stop that! Anyway, the designers get half an hour to argue with the mothers and then $100 at Mood, which isn't much.

The designers meet their clients:

Kenley's client: "Yay, I get the pretty designer!"

Kenley: "I know, right? We are going to make a great team! I am so pretty and you're, um, well, I like your blouse."

Pleather's client wants pants so Pleather decides to make pants.

Pleather realizes he can't make pants.

Pleather pretends that pants were a terrible idea in the first place.

Pleather: "Pleather found this amazing Pucci-esque fabric in purple and he doesn't want to ruin it by making a garment that in any way fits the needs of his client."

We learn that Korto is a DILF:

Tim: "That's a designer I'd like to . . ."

Tim, please! But really, I don't think I knew Korto was a mama:

Korto: "Well, I don't go around bragging about it all the time just to prove I'm straight."

In the design room, Tim is trying to politely help Kenley:

Tim: "Now, I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm just saying you could make the tulle the same length as the skirt and that would work, too. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it now. God forbid, I should criticize you. I'm just saying."

Kenley: "Do I look like I'm interested in anyone's opinion?

Tim: "OK, then. Thank you for your time, dumb-ass."

Tim gives his final advice to the designers:

Tim: "Please remember to borrow randomly from the Bluefly wall."

Designers: "We always do!"

On to the runway with Michael, Nina, and Cynthia Rowley:

Heidi: "Designers, one day you're in and the next you are wearing a frisbee made out of black feathers on your head."

Seriously, Jerell, what is up with that?

Joe makes a pinstriped power suit for his client to go on job interviews. Oh, did I mention that the jacket has no collar or lapels? Yeah, that's right. Oh, my god, that is tacky. Inexcusable. Uh, Joe, the Golden Girls called and they want their suit back. Joe is gone.

Pleather created a completely inappropriate outfit for his photographer client to wear to photo shoots. It's a pretty dress with a ridiculous jacket. What does Nina think?

Nina: "You know what? I don't get paid enough to comment on this outfit. In fact, I don't know what I've done wrong in my life that I would even be forced to look at it. That's all I have to say. I'm done."

Korto, as usual, makes a very good, non-winning entry. The green print dress is pretty and the jacket is very cool and looks really beautifully made.

Kenley's outfit is very nice. She picked a nice print, for a change, the poofy skirt is cute without being inappropriate for daywear, the little vest keeps it from looking too dressy. Oh yeah, and she listened to Tim and shortened the tulle. It's very nice. I have a little problem with the flesh-colored belt because, from a distance, it looks like the girl's midriff is showing. But, otherwise, I like it.

Leanne is safe. Her dress is cute but the jacket is poorly proportioned. Very unflattering. The girl's mother told her to make a dress because that makes it easier to get dressed in the morning. Because, apparently, putting on pants and a blouse is really time-consuming. But I think most teachers of children will tell you that dresses are really inconvenient for the classroom.

Jerell's client finally feels like a girl! She told him she wanted something androgynous so she could wear it after her upcoming sex-change operation. But he made her a beautiful dress and now she feels so pretty she's decided to remain female. OK, seriously, she wanted to dress like a boy but he made her something sleek and feminine but not too girly and she looks like she's really happy with her new look. I think she just didn't realize that she's pretty.

Jerell wins and will have his design in Elle Magazine. Kenley is just as pleased as punch for him:

Kenley: "I am going to strangle each and every one of you."

Project Runway Season Five, Episode Nine: You can call a challenge avant-garde but they're still the same old clothes: or This episode was like putting lipstick on a pig!

[Update: Eric Three Thousand has just received a cease-and-desist order from the McCain/Palin campaign, suing me for copyright infringement. Apparently Sarah Palin owns the rights to the word "lipstick" and I failed to pay the royalties for using "lipstick" in the title of this post. Oh, damn, I just did it again. Now I'm really going to be in trouble.]

Heidi: "Tim, I've been doing some soul searching recently and I've started to think that maybe I'm wearing really inappropriately short skirts. Am I crazy?"

Tim: "Yes."

Heidi: "Oh, thank you, Tim. You always know what to say to make me feel better."

So, last week Pleather created the design equivalent of punching Diane von Furstenberg in the face:

Diane: "Actually, I would have preferred that."

Anyway, Pleather was safe and Stella was sent home. We start this week's episode by preparing for the elimination:

Terri: "The producers and I have been working really hard to make sure I look like a total bitch this week."

Oh, it can't be that bad. What are you planning to do?

Terri: "Well, I'll start by saying how glad I am that Stella is gone."

Wow, what a bitch.

Pleather is telling us about his dreams:

Pleather: "Oh, it was so weird! I was at Parsons and you were there and you were there and . . ."

Oh, who gives a crap? We are introduced to this week's special guests:

Designers: "Awww! Look, it's all the eliminated designers. Aren't they adorable?"

The remaining designers will be teaming up with the eliminated designers to create avant-garde looks based on the zodiac murders:

Jerell: "I can pull something avant-garde out of my ass."

I'm honestly not looking forward to seeing that. Here are the teams and their Chinese calendar years:

Korto and Kelli are doing the year of the platypus. People born in the year of the platypus are strong-willed but quiet, like the color blue, and are the only mammals to lay eggs.

Kenley and Wesley are doing the year of chihuahua. People born in the year of the chihuahua are unbelievably annoying and delusional.

Joe and Daniel are doing the year of the bull. People born in the year of the bull like to drive expensive cars to make up for other inadequacies.

Leanne and Emily are doing the year of the panda. People born in the year of the panda enjoy long walks on the beach and good conversation over a bottle of California Cabernet.

Blayne and Stella are doing the year of the rabbit. People born in the year of the rabbit seem like they are from another planet. They are drawn to either black or florescent colors and they enjoy sniffing glue.

Terri and Keith are doing the year of the albino pygmy hedgehog. People born in the year of the albino pygmy hedgehog are either totally bitchy or mumble everything under their breath. They are also usually gay.

Jerell and Jennifer are doing the year of the dragon. Dragons are pretty quiet but wear really stupid hats.

Pleather and Jerri are doing the year of the albatross. People born in the year of the albatross are generally ridiculous. They are carbon-based life-forms but otherwise do not resemble other humans. They are either psychotic or they just want people to think they are. They like the color green.

In the design room Terri is not listening to Keith, probably because he isn't speaking loudly enough for her to hear him.

Kenley is annoyed that people find her annoying.

Tim doesn't understand what Blayne is saying:

Barbara Billingsley: "Excuse me Tim, but I speak Freak."

Tim tells Jerell that his look is a little school-marmish. Jerell agrees that it is bold. Tim moves on.

Tim says that Keith is nothing. Wow, that was a frank assessment:

Tim: "You didn't let me finish. I was going to say he is nothing if not innovative."

Oh. OK.

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Please remember to borrow precipitously from the Bluefly wall."

Blayne: "Tim is just making up words now."

The designers have to take their unfinished designs to the beautiful planetarium building at the American Museum of Natural History, where they will be paraded in front of some of the best designers from previous season. And also Robert from season one.

Since they are at a natural history museum, Kenley gives Heidi an anatomy lesson:

Kenley: "Women's breasts are supposed to be down near their belly buttons. Why is everyone so stupid?"

Back at Parsons, Keith is asleep in the lounge. Could he be pregnant?

On to the runway. These garments were so disappointing. There was very little that was avant-garde. I understand they didn't have a lot of time but most of the designers did not experiment with new shapes or techniques. That's almost always missing on this show, but I at least expect a little innovation in an "avant-garde" challenge.

The judges this week are Michael Kors, Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia, a ventriloquist named Franscisco Costa, and Senator John McCain:

Korto and Kelli made a blue dress with fabric hanging off the back. It was OK.

Kenley and Wesley made a dress that was actually kind of pretty. The skirt was beautiful and I appreciate that she at least tried to be dramatic with the puffy sleeves. Of course it wasn't something we hadn't seen before but, considering all the boring garments on the runway, I thought it was unfair to single her out for being unoriginal. The judges were correct that she ignored the inspiration part of the challenge and her argument that she doesn't pay any attention to other designers is pretty pathetic. I remember that argument from design school: "I pull all my designs out of a vacuum. I'm not influenced by anyone else because I stick my head in the sand and don't look at what anyone else is doing." Well, I'm sorry, but to be a designer, you have to pay attention to the world around you.

Joe and Daniel created a pretty cool dress. I really like the skirt; it looks like it is covered in little fabric bags and it has a beautiful rippling effect when it moves. It's not quite avant-garde but it's interesting.

Leanne and Emily create a look that is almost avant-garde. It wraps around the body in a very unusual way. It's a sculptural piece that is also flattering as a garment and you can see the astrological influence. This should have won.

Blayne and Stella created a . . . well, to call it a garment would be an exaggeration. Like several of Blayne's "looks," it manages to be ugly without being interesting.

Terri and Keith created a really boring garment. The simple gold sheath was kind of pretty but there was nothing even remotely avant-garde about it.

Jerell and Jennifer created a really pretty skirt and top. I really liked the look. I can't for the life of me figure out what was avant-garde about it or what it had to do with the inspiration but, for some reason, Jerell wins.

Pleather and Jerri created kind of a little 1960s pajama outfit. Not hideous but definitely more boring than Terri's. In Jerri's audition tape we see that he designs some very avant-garde architectural garments. He should have really been able to help Pleather create something interesting. But he didn't.

Two designers have to be out. Who will the second designer be? Oh, sorry, we all know that one of the eliminated designers will be Blayne, right? I don't think that was ever in question. But who will the second one be. I was sure it would be Pleather but the judges shock us and eliminate Terri:

Terri: "You didn't see that coming? I told you we were preparing you for it through the whole episode."

I know. I was still surprised.

So, what did the judges think of this episode?

Michael: "That was not avant-garde. Just telling us it's cutting edge doesn't change the fact that we've seen it before."

John McCain: "It's like I always say: you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still going to look like Hillary Clinton."

Michael: "Amen, sister!"

Heidi: "When I was growing up in Germany, we used to have so much fun putting lipstick on pigs. Only the girl pigs, obviously. The boy pigs got lederhosen."

Nina: "What the hell is wrong with you people?"

John McCain: "Well, I am outraged by that sexist remark, Nina! You would never have said 'you people' if my running mate were a man."

Nina: "I swear to god, John, if I have to break a heel kicking you in the ass, I am going to be really upset."

John McCain: "ok. jeez. talk about pit bulls."

Project Runway Season Five, Episode Eight: Holy Furstenbergs! It's a DVF challenge!

Heidi: "Tim, is my skirt too short?"

Tim: "Not now. Pleather is telling a story."

Heidi: "Oh. Who's dead now?"

Pleather: "This week I would like to talk about my great great great great grandfather. He's dead. He died in the nineteenth century and I've never quite gotten over it. There's this huge void in my soul. So, this morning I was just thinking what an inspiration he would have been for this challenge if he had ever actually seen a movie or traveled anywhere and then, there he was, right here in the design room! I thought I was having a waking dream but then everyone started screaming and running around and that's when I noticed that my great great great great grandfather was almost completely decomposed, with just some shredded clothing hanging off his skeleton. And I was all, 'will you people please have a little respect for my dead great great great great grandfather?' I mean, he came here just to inspire me and everyone is being so rude and freaking out just because he's some sort of flesh-eating zombie. Oh, did I forget to mention the flesh-eating zombie part? Yeah, he was all, 'brains! I have to have brains!' and everyone was screaming and pushing dress forms in front of him and then dear sweet little Blayne, bless his heart, bravely stood in his way and said, 'take me and leave everyone else alone!' and then my great great great great grandfather said, 'get out of my way! I'm looking for brains!' and then everyone had a good laugh. Anyhoo, long story short, we're the only survivors of a horrible post-apocalyptic epidemic that has turned the population of Manhattan into flesh-eating zombies and we're trapped here in the design room of Parsons The New School for Design. Please send help."

Those designers are so dramatic. "Ooh, we're so tired; Ooh, the sewing machines aren't working; Ooh, we're being attacked by flesh-eating zombies." What a bunch of whiners.

Let's get to the show. We start the episode with Stella trying to survive in the real world:

Stella: "Can someone tell me how coffee works?"

That's the toaster, Stella.

Pleather has to move apartments:

Pleather: "I hope my visions will be able to find me at my new address."

Tim tells the designers that they will be meeting a fashion legend:

Blayne: "Please be Mary-Kate Olsen!"

Tim: "I really just want to slap you right now."

Diane von Furstenberg is walking down a ridiculously long staircase:

Tim: "It's Diane von Furstenberg, bitches!"

Dianne is still walking down the stairs:

Tim: "Yeah . . . um . . . here comes Diane von Furstenberg! You are so lucky you get to meet her!"

OK. Just a few more flights of stairs:

Tim: "You are going to be so excited when she gets here!"

Oh, she is so close now:

Tim: "Seriously? You're killing me, Diane."

Diane: "I'll be there soon, darlings! Start without me."

So, the challenge is to create a look for the DVF fall collection based on the film "A Foreign Affair" with Marlena Dietrich. The winner of this challenge will have his or her design sold exclusively to American Express members, with a part of the proceeds going to the DVF Dramatic Staircase Foundation:

Diane: "I believe passionately that every woman deserves a dramatic staircase!"

Stella can't use the fabric room:

Stella: "Can someone tell me what to do with this bolt of fabric?"

That's still the toaster, Stella.

Stella is being secretive because obviously everyone wants to steal her ideas.

Leanne is pretending to be a spy:

Leanne: "I'm the silent fashion assassin."

Are you sure? I thought that was Jennifer.

Leanne: "Really? You're probably right. I always get us confused."

Tim gives the designers final words of advice before the runway show:

Tim: "Remember to borrow superfluously from the Bluefly wall."

The judges this week are Michael Kors, Fern Mallis, DVF, and Mike Huckabee:

Joe made a really hideous outfit combining a backless salmon-colored top with a fuchsia sash. I don't even think Kenley would combine those colors:

Mike Huckabee: "That is tackier than a costume change at a Madonna concert"

Michael Kors: "Whatever you're paying your speechwriter, Mike, it's too much."

Leanne made a beautiful long blue dress with a decent jacket. It's the obvious winner.

Terri made a pant with a black coat. So what if she always makes pants? It's a nice outfit.

Jerell made a short skirt with a jacket. The jacket is fine but that miniskirt is stupid.

Korto made a beautiful print dress with yellow trim and a cute short jacket. While it isn't as amazing as her usual efforts, it is still beautiful and definitely a contender for the win. I think the only problem is that it doesn't look as inspired by the movie as Leanne's does.

Blayne made a very nice jacket and bizarre puffy shorts. At least it looks well made this week.

Pleather made one of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen. It was just a horrible silhouette. And then, as if it weren't bad enough, he paired it with a short vest that made no sense. This was very close to being the worst.

Stella made an ill-fitting pant, a badly made vest, and a strange Dracula cape. While it was pretty bad, I did not think it was as hideous as Joe's or Pleather's.

Kenley made a pretty print dress. She finally picked a really cute print. But that's not much of an accomplishment since she picked it from DVF-approved fabrics. It was very well fitted and I'm sure it was well made but that doesn't change the fact that there was no design there. It was an incredibly basic sheath. It wasn't bad enough to be out but it should have been near the bottom, not the top. For some reason, DVF thought it was amazing:

Kenley: "I thought your collection needed a simple dress."

Diane: "Thank you for telling me what my collection needed."

Kenley: "Well, there's no need to be sarcastic."

Diane: "No, I'm serious. I don't know why I didn't think of adding a totally boring little dress to my collection."

Leanne wins again! I think this was the right decision. Congratulations, Leanne! Can she maintain this momentum? Computer says no.

Stella is out. Sorry Stella. I think this was the wrong decision. While her pieces had major construction problems, it was a much better look than Joe or Pleather created. I suspect the judges subconsciously took past challenges into account in this decision.

Stella doesn't care if you buy her clothes:

Stella: "You can all blow me."

Next week the designers see something cute:

Designers: "Awwwww!"

Could it be a puppy? You'll have to wait and see!

Project Runway Season Five, episode seven: Bleeding for fashion!

Heidi: "Hey, Tim . . ."

Tim: "I don't care about your skirt!"

Heidi: "Gee, I was just going to tell you to have a happy Labor Day."

Tim: "Oh, I'm sorry. That's very nice. Thank you."

Heidi: "But seriously, do you think this skirt is too short?"

Kenley's sad Daniel is gone:

Kenley: "I am so sad Daniel is gone. Why does everything bad always have to happen to me."

Keith wants to change the way the world dresses:

Keith: "Some day everyone will look like crap."

Two models will be out:

Heidi: "Because, models, this is also a competition for you."

Models: "Oh, shut up."

Joe keeps the peace in the model world by keeping his model and Heidi doesn't have to use the velvet bag of doom.

For the next challenge Heidi tells the designers to go up to the roof and jump off.

Blayne: "Ooh, I hope we'll be designing parachutes!"

They end up at the top of a parking garage with a bunch of Saturns. Tim is there with a pocket gay:

Tim: "I'd like to introduce you to this very tiny person next to me. This is Chris Webb and he's in charge of total bullshit at Saturn. He'll explain this week's total bullshit challenge to you."

Chris Webb: "Thank you, Tim. These are Saturn hybrids. 85 percent of these vehicles are recyclable by weight."

That makes no sense. Does that mean 85 percent of Saturns can be recycled while the other 15 percent have to be driven into a landfill?

Chris Webb: "I'm sorry; let me clarify. 85 percent of each vehicle is made of materials that are recyclable. And that's a percentage of the weight."

Well, I think most of the weight of a car is metal. So you're telling me metal is recyclable? What exciting news.

Chris Webb: "Actually, it's more than the metal. We've specifically designed Saturns so that the materials can be used to make clothing on reality television shows."

Great. So, the designers start gathering these magical materials from the cars: plastic, glass, leather, rubber, metal and all the normal materials you would find in any other goddamn car.

Seriously, this challenge is fine but don't pretend it has something to do with environmentalism.

Back at Parsons, the designers are trying to work with the materials:

Keith is sick of having those fucking judges be critical on him:

Keith: "They keep getting their criticism all over me. And it's sticky."

Pleather is bleeding for fashion:

Pleather: "This reminds me that my father is dead."

Tune in next week when we learn about more of Pleather's dead relatives.

At first it seems that a lot of designers are working with seat belts. The seat belts are beautiful so it makes sense to use them. And, honestly, it isn't as unimaginative as using a tablecloth. But then it turns out only two designers make garments using mostly seat belts.

Keith tells Terri not to ask him anything because he's busy feeling sorry for himself:

Keith: "I have no idea what I'm doing. Everything I touch turns to crap. The judges hate me. I don't belong here."

I'm glad he finally noticed.

Kenley's model drops out:

Kenley: "Thank god! Now I have a great excuse for why my garment sucks!"

Terri makes fun of Korto because the arms of her coat are sticking out. Jerell doesn't like Terri's behavior:

Jerell: "She has two faces and four patterns."

Ooh, Jerell, that was catty. I like it.

As the episode progresses, Keith becomes more moody and belligerent:

Blayne: "What's wrong with Keith? I mean, he was always an asshole but today he is even more of an asshole than usual."

Keith's model sits down:

Keith: "My life is over."

On the runway, the fabulous Laura Bennett is filling in for Nina. She's so pretty.

Rachel Zoe is the guest judge and she's not quite as bad as I expected.

Jerell made a very cool top and chose perfect styling but he made a really boring skirt.

Keith's is awful. His model might as well be wearing a brown paper bag.

Keith: "The reason my garment is so bad is because the judges made me second-guess myself and then my model sat down even though I told her not to and then a Dingo stole my baby."

Terri made something resembling jeans and they look great but because she's in the middle of the pack we don't get to see much of her outfit.

Kenley made a dress with a stupid peplum and she thinks it's wearable.

Leanne made a pretty great outfit with protruding hip bones. It's not a new silhouette but I think it's shown up again in fashion shows recently and she did a good job with it.

Pleather made a shiny, stringy skirt and a top made out of rubber floor mats. It's not bad.

Korto's seat belt coat is gorgeous. Once again, Korto doesn't make the most innovative use of materials but creates a really beautiful garment. Also, her model did a good job; because of the stiff sleeves, she had to keep her hands on her hips and she did it without being too obvious. This was my favorite but I can understand why it didn't win.

Blayne's seat belt dress is close to being pretty but the fit is inexcusably bad and the stringy hem looks terrible. Michael is right when he compares it to a car wash. Blayne's first version of this dress was much prettier but he wasn't able to sew it.

Joe makes another sporty outfit and it's not bad.

Stella made a really pretty and well-made tiered seat belt skirt and a decent top but the two pieces don't go together.

Heidi: "It looks a little random."

Stella: "Thank you."

Heidi tells Blayne he's going to have seven years without sex because he broke a mirror:

Heidi: "That's German birth control. I tried it but I still keep getting pregnant."

Leanne wins immunity and Keith is out.

Keith is upset because he is out for doing something that isn't him:

Keith: "Sure, crappy design is totally me but this week I made a crappy garment that was not the same as my usual crappy garments."

Next week Michael talks about his favorite subject again:

Michael: "CROTCHES, CROTCHES, CROTCHES! I LOVE TALKING ABOUT CROTCHES!"

Project Runway Season Five, episode six: Parsons is burning!

Heidi: "Hey Tim, is my skirt too short?"

Wait. Why is Heidi riding a unicorn?

Tim: "She isn't. You're just high on DayQuil."

Oh. That makes sense. Thanks, Tim. So, I know you'll find this hard to believe, but I'm not usually stoned when I write my blog. This week, however, I have a cold and I'm a little woozy from the DayQuil. Bear with me.

Last week Keith won and Kelli went home.

Chris March introduces the challenge:

Chris: "Welcome to the most boring episode of Project Runway ever!"

But I thought this episode was about drag queens. It should be fantastic.

Chris: "You're right! It should be! But somehow the producers will take a really great idea and magically turn it into the most boring hour of television you are ever likely to see!"

Well, that is impressive. I can't wait to see how they'll do it.

We are introduced to the drag queens, including Devine, Lipsynca, and Janet Reno.

Seriously, I've only heard of one of these queens: Varla Jean Merman. She's the illegitimate love child of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. She's done shows here in Los Angeles. Maybe the others are famous in New York.

Daniel is making a high glamour look for his drag queen. Obviously.

Drag queens always make Pleather think of his grandfather:

Pleather: "I have such fond memories of helping my grandfather put on his false eyelashes and tease his wig. I miss him so."

Korto is working on a big girl:

Korto: "I don't usually make clothes for drag queens."

You think everyone else does?

Korto: "Whatever."

Nina: "Korto obviously had a lot of fun with this challenge.

if you say so.

Tim thinks Pleather's drag queen is mean. He gives Pleather sass lessons:

Tim: "Was she getting all up in your grill? Well, if you ask me, I think you should bust a cap in her ass."

On to the runway. Heidi is wearing a skirt that covers half her thigh. Now I know I'm hallucinating. She introduces the judges:

Heidi: "The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and the usually fabulous RuPaul. Jesus Christ, RuPaul, what the hell is going on with your hair tonight? Did you leave the top down when you went through the car wash?"

Farrah Moans is wearing Kenley. A champagne sheath with ostrich feathers. Pretty boring.

Miss Understood is wearing Blayne. Shit-licious!

Varla Jean Merman is wearing Joe. Fabulous pink sequin jumpsuit. Absolutely perfect!

Luisa Verde is wearing Stella. Long black dress with pink plaid panel. It's an OK dress but I don't know if it's right for Miss Verde.

Hedda Lettuce is wearing Pleather. It looks very similar to the outfit she was wearing at the beginning of the episode.

Annida Greenkard is wearing Daniel. What the hell is wrong with him?

Acid Betty is wearing Terri. A kimono with a corset. Really good!

LeMay is wearing Jerell. Pretty boring. Jerell had one of the biggest challenges because his drag queen didn't have a specific look. She was just wearing a dress. So he just made her a dress.

Sweetie is wearing Korto. Red sequin dress with a poofy skirt. It is surprisingly flattering. Korto did a good job.

Sherry Vine is wearing Keith. It's ugly but not in a good way.

Sharon Needles is wearing Leanne. I'm pretty sure Sharon's style is punk/goth. Leanne decides to dress her like Judy Jetson. It doesn't work.

The judges love Terri's, Korto's and Joe's. They didn't like Keith's, Jerell's, or Daniel's.

Joe wins! Congratulations, you breeding freak! Terri's was also excellent but I have to agree with the judges on this one; I think Joe took a risk putting pants on a drag queen and I loved the result!

Daniel is out. Heidi rips off his mask and it turns out to be Daniel Franco! He was just using this other Daniel costume to get on the show for a third time! I knew there was something eerily familiar about his total cluelessness and complete lack of self-awareness. Now it all makes sense.

Michael Kors: "This challenge reminds me of my bar mitzvah. Full of queens and tacky dresses. And boring as shit."

Project Runway Season Five, episode five: That show Lucy Liu isn't in!

Heidi: "Hey, Tim, is this skirt too short?"

Tim: "No, I think it's very tasteful and age-appropriate."

Heidi: "Really?"

Tim: "No, not really."

OK, so last week we learned that Daniel and Jerell probably have a future designing clothes in Eastern Europe but they were very close to being eliminated from Project Runway.

Polish Designer: "I'm going to bring some high-end glamour to the Olympics with these red cocktail dresses!"

Hungarian Designer: "Yeah, women weight-lifters look great in little floral garden dresses and huge hats!"

Yeah, so after actually seeing the opening ceremonies, I have some additional comments:

1) Daniel may feel a little vindication after seeing that there were cocktail dresses in the ceremonies but there are two reason he shouldn't: first of all, the red cocktail dresses looked silly and inappropriate on the Polish Olympic team; and secondly, the dresses were still a million times better than the one he designed.

2) Most of the uniforms were incredibly boring. I think I like the fashions at the winter Olympics better. I was pretty disappointed and really bored with all the blazers. Yes, some of the blazers looked pretty good but they were just so dull and not the best thing to wear in that heat.

3) The Americans looked pretty sharp in their Ralph Lauren blazers but it was such a boring look. The athletes could have just gone out and bought their own blue blazers; there was nothing distinctive about it. The French women looked great in their red wraps around their waists; very French, very stylish, simple yet distinctive. I loved the British uniforms; the casual blazers without shoulder pads looked much more appropriate and slightly cooler than all the structured blazers; and they looked distinctive and fun without looking silly.

4) I've changed my mind about thinking Joe should have won last week. Obviously, after having seen the ceremonies, his look was much too sporty and casual. And since he says he watches the ceremonies every time, he should have realized this. Terri obviously had the look closest to what the Americans actually wore; in fact, I think her look would have been better. But I think I agree with the judges that Korto should have won; her look would have been distinctive and stood out among all the other teams' blazers and the sleeveless top and light-weight loose-fitting pant would have been a little cooler than some of the other uniforms.

5) China couldn't spend a few hundred million dollars to air-condition that stadium? Come on!

This week the designers will be creating a look for a powerful and glamorous woman. Blayne immediately thinks of Hillary Clinton. Can you think of anyone more powerful and glamorous than Hillary Clinton? I can think of a few people: Queen Elizabeth II, Dame Edna Everage, the Pope. But no, it's Brooke Shields!

Pleather: "Wackadoodle!"

Other Eric: "I love Brooke Shields! Make sure everyone knows I love Brooke Shields!"

He loves Brooke Shields, everyone.

So, this week in the quick-draw challenge (OK, I just made that up) the designers have to draw pictures for Brooke Shields for an outfit to be worn on Lipstick Mafia Jungle, the new hit show about women who are in the mafia and also wear lipstick and live in the jungle. And also they cheat on their husbands and wear fabulous shoes. What more could you ask for? Oh, shirtless men? You got it!

Brooke explains how this season will be a departure by telling us nothing we didn't already know from last season. She needs a look that will transition from day to evening. And the designers will be working in teams of two.

Daniel: "Because my father is from Mars and my mother is from Venus, I think I really have an understanding of how different people can be. I realize this is completely irrelevant but I thought I'd mention it."

OK, Brooke seems so comfortable with the designers and she's so nice to them. She should be frightened but she isn't. Good for her! She picks six designers, who then pick their partners:

Keith (working with Kenley)

Korto (working with Joe)

Jerell (working with Stella)

Kelli (working with Daniel)

Terri (working with Pleather)

Blayne (working with Leanne)

Tim: "Let's go shake it! I mean shopping! Where did that come from?"

Look, I'm totally down with "ugly" prints. But Kenley seems to forget to use the quotes and keeps picking genuinely ugly fabric. I appreciate that her taste isn't boring but I think it's just slightly off.

Back in the design room, Terri is getting pissed off with Pleather because he's too scared to sew the top:

Terri: "Just do it! I don't care if you have to cry and cut! Now go into the sewing room and don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!"

Wow, Terri; that was harsh. So they end up with a top that either looks fabulous or like a piece of shit:

Terri: "So, Tim, it looks like a piece of shit, doesn't it?"

Tim: "No, I love it!"

Terri: "So do I! I think it's fabulous!"

Blayne tells us that his mental problems are hereditary, which is good to know.

Korto and Joe are arguing about the bagginess of the jacket. Korto tells a story about Joe being hit by a bus. I can't remember whether she said she would try to keep him from getting hit by a bus or if she would just let him walk in front of a bus because it would be his own damn fault. Either way, I enjoyed the story and I hope she tells it again sometime.

Kenley tells us how Daniel cracks her up with his constant talk about his elegant, sophisticated taste:

Kenley: "Daniel has such an amazing sense of humor!"

On to the runway. The judges are Heidi, Michael, Nina, and Brooke Shields:

Other Eric: "I love Brooke Shields!"

Korto and Joe's saffron orange jacket over a tan dress was pretty nice. I think I can see Brooke's character wearing that. But the color of the dress was good for the model but wouldn't be good for Brooke. And the fit of the dress was terrible. Other Eric thinks the orange would be a hard color to pull off for day. Overall, I like it and think Korto pulled off another great silhouette.

Kelli and Daniel create a completely godawful look. It looks like no thought went into this. I don't care how badly Daniel screwed up the skirt, the design is just terrible. It's the most basic silhouette you could make and the fabrics just look cheap.

Jerell and Stella really worked well together and it shows in their outfit. Stella got to work with her precious leather and Jerell got to create lots of separate elements and it looks like their two styles mixed together perfectly to create an outfit was was totally appropriate for this challenge. It's a look that says, "I'm a stylish woman who just opened my closet and threw together this outfit at the last minute." I can absolute see Brooke's character wearing this to the office and out to dinner.

Keith and Kenley's look is very nice but I don't actually love it. I agree with Nina that it is a little too dressy for day.

Terri and Pleather's look is also pretty nice.

Blayne and Leanne made an outfit with Bermuda shorts. At first I thought the shorts looked about as good as shorts could; so I wondered why Brooke had a problem with them after approving the drawing. But, after further consideration, I think these shorts could have been dressed up in a different fabric or maybe paired with a jacket.

Blayne impresses me by taking full responsibility for his vision, saying that he should be sent home instead of Leanne. Kelli says Daniel should be sent home instead of her, even though it was entirely her awful design. Wrong answer, Kelli! Kelli is out!

Keith wins. Look for this design on the new season of Lipstick Mafia Jungle. If you bother to watch that show. Which, apparently I will:

Other Eric: "You love that show!"

Me: "No, I really don't."

Other Eric: "Yes you do! We're watching it!"

Me: "Fine."

I leave you with the question of Daniel's taste level:

Daniel: "My taste is impeccable. I have very high-end taste. What's so funny, Kenley?"

Kenley: "Oh, my God, you're going to die, Daniel, it's so funny! I was just telling the camera how you are always saying that you have such high-end taste, even though you obviously don't! Isn't that hilarious?!"

Daniel: "I don't get it."