Project Runway Recap, Season Two, Episode 10: Extreme Makeover, Homo Edition!

Santino: "Santino?"

Santino: "Yes, Santino?"

Santino: "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brad Pitt?"

Santino: "As a matter of fact, yes. Is that what you wanted to know?"

Santino: "I was just wondering if you knew what happened to Andrae?"

Santino: "I think you scared him away."

Santino: "But Andrae is our little lamb. How did I scare him away?"

Santino: "By talking to yourself."

Santino: "Oh. I thought that was endearing and clever."

Santino: "Nope; just creepy."

Heidi: "OK, designers, for this challenge you're going to be giving each other makeovers. I'm going to pull buttons out of this bag to see who gets whom. Here we go: Santino gets Nick, Kara gets Santino, Nick gets Chloe, Chloe gets Santino, and Daniel gets Daniel. Oh, shit. We have to do that again. OK, Kara gets Nick, Santino gets Daniel, Daniel gets Kara, Nick gets Santino, and Chloe gets ... oh, for Christ's sake! One more time ..."

Several hours later:

Heidi: "... and Daniel gets Chloe. Oh, thank god! That took so long I gave birth and got pregnant again! What dumb-ass came up with this idea, anyway?!"

So here are the pairings:

Santino gets Kara
Kara gets Santino
Nick gets Daniel
Chloe gets Nick
Daniel gets Chloe

First Daniel has to get rid of Andrae's model, Danielle:

Daniel: "I don't consider this sending Danielle home."

Oh, no?

Daniel: "No; I consider it destroying her one chance at happiness."

Kara has been smoking the raffia again:

Kara: "I think Santino is ready for a shaaaaaaave and a cuuuuuuut and a groooooooooooooooooom!"

Alright; I don't care what she's smoking; she makes me laugh!

The designers are having mani-pedis at some salon called Give Me A Hand, or something silly like that.

Tim: "OK, but this is cutting into your design time. Don't complain to me when you run out of time tomorrow."

Designers: "Yes, mom."

Santino is complaining about doing all the work for Kara and yet he won't stop doing it! Nick chooses lavender cashmere for Daniel's suit. OK, first of all: what the fuck? Secondly, how could he afford that much cashmere? Maybe it's a blend.

Nick tells us that he knows menswear. Chloe tells us that she doesn't. I wonder what will happen.

Nick: "I'm making a fully lined jacket, pants, shirt and scarf."

Well, I think it's a waste of time to line a shirt and scarf but what do I know?

The designers have two days for this challenge:

Nick: "I'm done!"

What? You've only been working for 15 minutes.

Nick: "What can I say? I'm just so good at menswear. The other designers better get their asses in gear if they want to compete with me."

Um, you're suit has no pockets or buttons.

Nick: "Yeah. I like it that way."

I guarantee you no one else will like it that way.

Nick: "Well, it's too late; there's nothing I can do about it now."

What are you talking about? You have plenty of time left!

Nick: "Look, nothing I could do could make this suit any better than it already is."

Santino: "He's right; you can't polish a turd."

Nick runs screaming out of the room.

Santino: "What did I say?"

The designers meet with Collier Strong for styling consultations. Collier tells everyone except Chloe what beautiful skin they have. Ouch. Nick wants to put bronzer on Daniel. Collier very politely tells Nick that he wouldn't recommend doing that. He's much more diplomatic than I am; I would have slapped Nick and told him never to use the word "bronzer" in my presence ever again.

Kara: "I'm so, so, so tired but I'm going to keep sew-sew-sewing. Su-Sussudio."

Phil Collins: "Great. Now I'm going to have that goddamn song stuck in my head again."

Santino is gluing Kara into a jumpsuit. OK, another blogger used this line already but it's so good I have to repeat it: That's not a jumpsuit; that's a space-suit ... because Kara's ass is out of this world!

OK, this is where I pissed off the entire Project Runway blogging community: I loved Santino's jumpsuit on Kara! I thought she looked fantastic and it totally suited her personality. I could absolutely picture her wearing it while shopping in Manhattan, looking like a totally hot bitch. It was bohemian and funky and a little crazy; just like Kara. Obviously most women could not get away with this look, but Kara can pull it off.

I actually picked this as one of my top five looks for season two on Blogging Project Runway and people thought I was completely insane. But the guest judge liked it, too, so I'm not completely alone on this.

And yes, it was inexcusably poorly made. There is no explanation for why he didn't have time to sew a few seams. Even with all the time he spent telling Kara what to do, he still should have had a few minutes.

Judges: "Kara, what do you think of it?"

Kara: "Um ... I've lost the power of speech."

Santino: "That's how much she loves it!"

Then Kara is crying about how she should have said something. I completely misread the situation at first. In my opinion, the designers were the models and should have tried to sell the designs they were wearing. I actually thought Kara was upset that she hadn't said she liked Santino's design. She didn't have to pretend it was well made but she could have said she liked the design and would wear it. If she hated the design, then that's her fault since she approved Santino's drawings.

But, of course, she was crying about the fact that she didn't tell the judges what a piece of crap the garment was. I'm glad she didn't do that.

Santino looked great! Kara did an excellent job. And Santino gave her great suggestions and really sold the look to the judges.

Nick also looks terrific. Chloe had never done menswear before and she managed to make menswear pieces that fit perfectly and looked like they had been made by a tailor. She made just as many pieces as Nick (three, not counting the scarf) but she added pockets and buttons. Of course, she didn't have to deal with setting the sleeves of a jacket but she did what she knew she could do well in the time she had.

Daniel looks like the female version of Bea Arthur. Everything about Nicks design is wrong. The fabric is too feminine; and it's too soft and shiny so all the seams look puckery. A man's suit with no pockets or buttons looks ridiculous; you will only find that on a cheap, polyester woman's suit. Yes, he finished it; the sleeves didn't fall off on the runway. But is that good enough? Not in my opinion. Everything from the concept to the fabrication and execution was bad. I think that made it worse than Santino's, which was at least an interesting idea, using the right fabric. Nick is gone.

But what about Daniel's design on Chloe:

Chloe looks like a prostitute, only smaller. Jesus Christ, she looks like crap! What the hell is wrong with Daniel. Chloe is so cute and he managed to make her look old, cheap, and dumpy. If he hadn't had immunity, he would have been out.

Heidi: "You aged her 20 years."

Michael: "I guess because you had immunity, you decided to make a piece of shit."

Daniel: "Well, I guess you can't be right all the time."

Ooh, he did not just say that!

Michael: "Yes, I'm pretty sure I can be right all the time!"

Top Design Recap, Episode 9: Cover Girls: or Todd's Angels!

My Top Design recap is up, over on Top Design Blogger! Check it out here!

Project Runway Season Two, episode 9: Two in the bush: or What happened to Andrae? Nick: "Oh, my god, you guys, you won't believe what happened in the last challenge." Zulema stole your model? Nick: "Zulema stole my ... oh, you heard. Can you believe that bitch?! No, no, I'm fine, really. Thank you for your concern. No, I'm a strong person and just worked through the pain. Yeah, most people would have just given up, but not me. You won't find me feeling sorry for myself all the time. No, I only spend about 95% of my time sulking. Anyway, that bitch is gone and she deserved it. It's exactly what I hoped would happen." You realize this means Tarah will probably be out as a model, right? Nick: "Oh, shit. I guess I didn't factor that in to my Zulema-elimination fantasies." Well, don't worry. There's always a possibility Daniel will choose Tarah over Rebecca. Daniel: "Are you high?" Or not. OK, Daniel keeps Rebecca and Tarah is out. Nick: Oh, my god, can you believe he did that?! Everyone is out to get me! Now that poor, fabulous creature is out there on the mean streets of New York without anyone to take care of her. What will she do without me?" Heidi: Enough whining. You'll be designing an outfit for a garden party but that's all I'm telling you. Tim Gunn will give you the details in the morning." The next morning Tim goes to the Atlas apartments to take the designers on a field trip. The designers are completely surprised to see him, for some reason. So they are walking down the street to an undisclosed location. Nick tries to guess where they are going: Nick: "We must be going to some fabulous Park Avenue apartment that has a garden." You guessed the same thing when you were walking to Toys R Us. Ooh, maybe Barbie is having a garden party. Anyway, Tim takes them to a flower shop and the designers are stunned. I don't think they've ever seen flowers before. They have $100, which doesn't buy much in a flower shop. They end up with lots of leaves. Nick walks around the shop snapping all the plants in half, getting out his aggression: Nick: "That's for breaking my heart, you stupid flowers! Oops, I didn't know anyone was watching me." Santino is the only one who buys a foundation for his leaves. He buys this floral netting that is really pretty. I thought it was pretty smart, especially because I was wondering what the other designers were planning to do with their leaves. Obviously they were allowed to use muslin as a foundation but this was never explained to us, the viewers. Tim doesn't seem to be clear on this, either. His podcast and blog contradict each other. One says the garments had to be made entirely from materials from the flower shops. The other says they can use the muslin in the design room. Well, obviously they assumed they would be able to use the muslin, whether or not they were told this ahead of time. They are back in the design room, working on their garments and Tim tell them this is an immunity challenge. Santino: "I want to win immunity so I can do something really offensive in the next challenge. So far, I've just been pandering to the judges." Kara: "I want to win immunity so I can just sleep during the next challenge. Andrae: "Well, I just want to make it to the final four and then let god work it out." That's silly; everyone knows god doesn't get involved until it gets down to the final three. The TimBot 5000 is malfunctioning, just saying ,"Make it work. Make it work," over and over again. Meanwhile, the real Tim goes to dinner at the Red Lobster with Andrae and they get in a fight. Andrae is telling Tim that he's been so distant lately and Tim finally admits that he is really in love with Daniel. Andrae throws a plate of lobster at him and then runs to the bathroom. Tim pays the bill. When they get back to the design room, Tim makes the rounds: Kara: "I don't know what I'm going to do about a skirt." Tim: "Well, maybe if you hadn't smoked all your raffia, you would have some materials left." Nick is making a micro-mini because he doesn't have enough material, either. Kara: "I did not smoke his raffia, if that's what you're suggesting." Andrae is still in a foul mood after the scene he made at Red Lobster: Andrae: "I just have a lot of dead things." Daniel comes out of the closet: Chloe: "What? But you're so straight-acting!" Nick: "Bitch, please. There is no way you're parents are so stupid they did not know you were gay." Daniel: "You don't understand how hard it was growing up gay in a white upper-middle class family." Yeah, if only he'd been poor or black life would have been so much easier for him. God, I really want to slap Daniel right now but I'm just going to remind myself that the designers are really tired and under a lot of stress and they are talking out of their asses. Chloe tells us that her greatest fear is dating a gay guy. Nick tells us that he not only doesn't find women disgusting, but he actually lost his virginity to a woman. Nick having sex with a woman? Ew, that's gross! The next morning Andrae tells us he is not going home. Do I even need to say it? Kara still hasn't made a skirt so she just takes Andrae's. Then she helps Chloe glue leaves on to her dress: Kara: "There should be one girl in the final three and it sure as shit isn't going to be me. So I'm going to make sure Chloe stays in the competition." But even with Kara, Chloe doesn't have enough hands to finish. She also gets Grace to help out. And then, when that isn't enough, she gets Kara Saun's shoe supplier, from Dollhouse Shoes, to help. Wendy Pepper: "That is so unfair! Have you seen how cute my daughter is?" On to the runway! The guest judge is Badgley Mischka, the fashion designer with two heads. The judges all wonder why the designers didn't create Rose-Parade floats. Are the judges that stupid? Don't answer that. But really, not only would the roses have been dead, but they couldn't afford hundreds of roses. Heidi, especially, as a producer, should have been aware of the budget. Having said that, there are hardier, cheaper flowers the designers could have picked; I don't think they did a great job shopping. Chloe creates another great dress. The design is very simple but the little leaves create a really pretty look that is very fabric-like. The skull cap is stupid. Kara surprises us with a great dress. The bodice is beautifully done. Like I said, I think she stole the idea of the skirt from Andrae but she did it very successfully. It was not quite as pretty as Chloe's but it certainly had more color in it, which the judges really wanted. I think maybe it should have been the winner. Santino's was another surprise. I thought he did a very good job. It was possibly a bit much for a garden party but I liked the skirt and I thought the dress was very pretty. Some of the judges were concerned about how shiny the leaves were, for some reason: Heidi: "I have no problem with shiny leaves." Michael: "Yes, but that's because Germans have terrible taste." Heidi: "Those are big words, coming from someone wearing that much orange makeup." Michael: "I love you, you bitch!" Heidi: "I love you, you big queen! Now, what do we think of Daniel's?" Badgley Mischka: "I think it looks like a really cute WASPy garden party dress!" Daniel: "That's exactly what I wanted to make! A cute WASPy garden party dress! God, it was so hard growing up gay in a WASPy garden-party world." Badgley Mischka, Michael Kors: "Oh, we can totally relate." Nina: "Will you all shut up about how hard life is for rich white fags?! You make me sick!" I really can't figure out why they love Daniel's so much. I think it's fine but it kind of makes Rebecca's hips looks huge. And they are going on about how it's so wearable and really looks like a dress but I think it looks like a bush and is nowhere near as wearable as Chloe's or Kara's. Anyway, Daniel wins, mainly because he stuck flowers on it. Andrae has made a topiary dress. I completely understand the judges' concerns about how stiff it looks but it's still really cute. Michael: "It just isn't joyous." Nina: "'It just isn't joyous?' What the hell does that even mean?!" Michael: "Geez, Nina, stop yelling at me." Nick makes another piece of crap. Man, is it awful. It looks so cheap and I think Rachel has babies breath growing out of her hoo hoo. He should have been out for this. But he's safe: Heidi: "Andrae?" Andrae: "What? Huh? Did someone call my name? I don't understand. What do you want?" Heidi: "Calm down. It's not that complicated. I'm just trying to tell you that you are auf." Andrae: "OK, everyone, stop crying! I'm the only one allowed to cry!" And that's what happened to Andrae.

Top Design Recap, episode 8: A Bucket of Blood!

My Top Design recap is up, over on Top Design Blogger! Check it out here!

Project Runway Season Two, Episode 8: Perspiration: the walk-off episode!

Daniel: "It's a motherfucking walk-off!"

You bet your sweet ass it is! We've been waiting all season for this!

Let's start at the very beginning:

Heidi: "Standing out here on the runway are the winning and losing designer's models from the last challenge. Since Zulema won the last challenge, she will get to decide whether to keep her model. If she does decide to keep her model, life on earth will go on pretty much as usual. However, if she decides to go with another model she may tear a hole in the space-time continuum and there is no way to predict what will happen."

Zulema: "Well, fasten your seatbelts, bitches, because it's going to be a bumpy night! Not only do I want to change models but I would like to have a motherfucking walk-off."

Nick: "Oh, no she di'int!"

Kara: "Oh, my god! We're all going to die!"

Andrae opens his mouth so wide he accidentally swallows his own head.

Heidi: "OK, everyone, let's try not to panic. Kara, stop crying. If we all remain calm I think we can get through this! Now, girls, it's crucial that when you walk, you do it with no energy and that you look really pissed off. Do you think you can handle that?"

Yes, they can handle that. Zulema picks Nick's model, Tarah, from the three zombies who performed for her. And more power to her. She won the right to change models so she changed models. You got a problem with that?

Nick: "I felt like cutting her."

Other Eric: "Ooh, he's going all West Side Story on her ass!"

That is so gay.

Nick: "She wants to fuck me. Well, she can't."

Yeah, we're pretty sure that's not it.

Anyway, Zulema's actions have changed the course of history and the designers find themselves in an alternate universe. But the differences between their universe and ours are so subtle that I'll have to point them out to you as we go along.

The designers visit Michael Kors in his studio, which is in the men's room at Grand Central Station. That's normal, right? They learn about how Doris Duke liked to dress in old upholstery fabric. I think that must be the alternate-universe Doris Duke. He then gives the designers digital cameras and individual printing docks that are clearly beyond our level of technology. He tells them to go find inspiration on the streets of New York.

The designers walk around Manhattan, which is being used as a maximum security prison. That sounds about right. There are no children because some strange medical condition has caused worldwide infertility for the past 25 years. I think that's different. Chloe's purse is bigger than she is but it's probably a normal-sized bag and she has just gotten even smaller.

Kara has never seen warning or Keep Out signs and is completely fascinated by them. Nick whines about losing his model. Andrae is inspired by a puddle of water because they now live in a world where the seas are pure alcohol, the rivers run red with the blood of the innocent, and the human body is 90% olive oil. Nick whines about losing his model. Santino is inspired by graffiti, something that was played out decades ago in our world. Daniel is inspired by a flower in Michael's office because he was too scared to go outside. Zulema is completely disoriented and just takes a picture of a red dress. Chloe takes a picture of a building. And, of course, Nick whines about losing his model.

Andrae: "Wow, Santino, How did you get that woman to flip you off?"

See, in our universe this would not be surprising at all.

They get back to the design room and Tim talks to them about rough sex:

Tim: "No. It's 'tough love.' Sheesh. I just have some constructive criticism for you all: Chloe, you're a one note; Andrae, you're a freak; Zulema, you're a mess; Kara, you're a joke; Santino, you keep making crap; Daniel, you're perfect; and Nick, I just want to slap you. OK, well, I'm really glad we had this little talk."

I'm thinking our Tim would have been a little more supportive. The designers shop for fabric. Nick is having problems:

Nick: "Tim, I'm really having problems finding fabric to go with the coloring of a blond model."

[In this alternate universe, blond models are really unusual and difficult to design for.]

Tim: "What happened? Why do you have a blond model?"

Nick: "I'm glad you asked. Zulema took my model so now I'm stuck with Gumby."

Tim: "Well, there's really no point even buying fabric because you're screwed. Seriously, how could you possibly design something for Rachel? She's pasty, looks like an elongated marshmallow, she can't walk, and she has an enormous ass."

Nick: "Thanks for the pep talk."

In the design room Zulema tells us why this challenge is so difficult:

Zulema: "I just don't know how to make things improperly."

Really? Because you've done an excellent job of it so far.

Nick has his new model, Rachel, walk for him and suddenly he's all excited:

Nick: "You're my new muse!"

Tarah: "I can't believe you got over me that fast. I'm stuck over here with this bitch and this horrible dress and you're getting on with your life! Well, you don't deserve me!"

Nick: "I can't hear you. I'm too busy padding the ass on my dress form. Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em."

The results are a real mixed-bag:

Daniel is the obvious winner. The inspiration is clear; his model looks like an orchid in a pot. While I don't think it's very exciting to be inspired by a flower, he really does an excellent job. The shape is simple and clean yet really dramatic. It's maybe a little costumey but I could almost seeing someone wearing this to a party. It also looks very well made. Congratulations, Daniel!

Andrae's is also very good. You can clearly see the gutter-water inspiration but it's beautiful and expensive looking. The basic shape looks like everything else he has made, though.

I loved Chloe's. I could definitely see the inspiration of the office building in her dress. She incorporated a lot of vertical and horizontal lines without being too obvious about it. Very pretty.

Nick's inspiration for his fabric is ... wait for it ... other fabric! He makes a pretty top and a really ugly skirt to go with it. It wasn't very good but I guess it wasn't terrible.

The bottom three were all so bad it is really difficult for me to decide which was the worst:

Kara sewed together two strips of black fabric and wrapped some crime-scene tape around the middle and called it a day. Morticia Adams would find this dress drab. She just left holes for the neck and arms and, if I remember correctly, the hem also looked really bad. The best thing I can say is that you can at least see what the inspiration was supposed to be. But the "do not enter" theme is just too obvious and pretty stupid. So it's a horrible, plain dress that isn't even well made. Although I like Kara, I thought she should have been out for this.

Santino's inspiration is graffiti. That's a pretty cliched inspiration to start with but then his design had nothing to do with graffiti except that he found fabric in the right colors. But since graffiti can be any color, how does that represent the idea of graffiti? As if that weren't bad enough, he uses the exact fabric used by Austin Scarlett last season. AND, on top of that, it was Austin's LOSING design! I really don't know what else Santino could have done wrong on this challenge. It was just a disaster and he's lucky he wasn't aufed.

I don't know what Zulema's problem was. She took a picture of a red dress and used that as inspiration for a red dress. Several of the designers were not getting the concept of inspiration. The dress was poorly made, as you would expect. But it wasn't a terrible design. It was certainly better than Kara's. The problem was mainly that it was just a dress; there was no connection to being inspired by the streets of New York, which was the challenge.

Zulema is out. Order returns to the universe and the designers join us in reality. Or at least the semblance of reality we have become accustomed to on Bravo.

OK, before we go, let's listen in on Jay McCarroll, this week's guest judge. Jay is in a pissy mood, as usual:

Jay: "I'm going to ask you about your garments but I don't want any stories. Just the facts. Got it?!"

Kara explains how she's inspired by Danger and Do Not Enter signs and how they are such a metaphor for modern life:

Jay: "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That's just a black sheath dress."

Kara: "I think it speaks volumes."

Yeah, it doesn't.

Jay: "Chloe, why doesn't your dress look exactly like your photograph of a building?"

Chloe: "Well, I think I captured some of the geometric feeling of the building and this was what I was able to do in the time we had."

Jay: "I was on this show so don't complain about the lack of time. I know all about it, sister."

Chloe: "All I said is that this is what I made in the time I had. If you don't like it, fine! You don't have to be such a bitch."

Jay: "Santino, when I saw your dress I just wrote down four words: 'Austin. Scarlett. Grammy. Dress.'"

Santino: "That's five words."

Jay: "Really? No, I don't think so. Let me check ..."

Santino: "I'm just messing with you. What about Austin's dress?"

Jay: "It's the exact same fabric."

Santino: "What?! Well, I'm as stunned as you are! How could this have happened?"

That was a convincing performance.

Jay: "Nick, could you talk about your outfit without mentioning Paris Hilton on the island of Mykonos?"

Nick: "What about Paris Hilton's boyfriend?"

Jay: "Could you leave him out of it too?"

Nick: "Then, no, I don't think I can discuss my outfit under those conditions."

Top Design Recap Episode 7: My Dinner with Andrea!


My Top Design Recap is up, over on Top Design Blogger! Check it out here!





Kelly Wearstler by Dante Gabriel Rossetti.

Kelly really went all out this week! Other Eric thought she looked like Meryl Streep in the "French Lieutenant's Woman"!

Project Runway Season Two, Episode 7: A Very Special Episode of Project Runway: the Tootie episode!

Edna Garrett: "Tootie!"

Tootie: "Yes, Mrs. G.?"

Edna: "We have to talk about your obsession with this popular singer."

Tootie: "Well, the word 'obsession' is a bit strong. Jermaine Jackson is just the greatest singer ever and I think about him constantly!"

Edna: "Jermaine Jackson?! Are you freaking kidding me?!"

Tootie: "I know your game, old woman. You think you can get me out of the picture so you can have Jermaine all to yourself! Well, you can't have him; he's mine!"

Edna: "You're completely irrational, Tootie! I've seen this before; back when I was a girl people were going nuts for Al Jolson. They would collect his sheet music and trace silhouettes of his profile. I almost got caught up in all the madness, myself, so I know what it's like! You have to snap out of it before it takes over your life! Now, go help prepare dinner or I'll have you institutionalized like I did with Molly Ringwald."

Tootie: "Yeah, about that ... there won't be dinner because I used all the chopped liver to make a life-sized Jermaine Jackson statue."

Edna: "Oh, Tootie!"

Well, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson: contrary to the opinion of a certain fashion editor who shall remain nameless, there can never be too much Tootie.

But on with the recap:

This episode of Project Runway is not brought to you by Kenmore. In fact, because Kenmore didn't come up with enough cash, the show had to cover their logo with electrical tape on all the appliances in the Atlas kitchens. Cheap bastards.

Chloe has to move apartments because the women on the show are dropping like flies:

Chloe: "I'd rather have my own apartment but it's OK. I've lived with people before. And by 'people' I mean twenty-seven sisters."

Heidi addresses the designers:

Heidi: "Are you ready for your next challenge?"

Designers: "No."

Heidi: "Well, too bad because ... wait, what do you mean 'no'?"

Designers: "We're just joking! We're ready for our next challenge."

Heidi: "That's better. But too bad, because you're not going to find out what it is until tomorrow morning!"

God, she is so hot when she teases us like that!

Heidi: "Someone will come to you in the morning with a little package."

Robert: "It's not that little!"

Anyway, as the designers wait for Robert and his little package ...

Robert: "Hey! Come on!"

Sorry. As the designers wait for Robert's delivery (is that better?) they try to figure out what the surprise will be:

Nick: "Will it be one of those outfits worn by people who pass things out?"

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Santino: "Like someone in a chicken suit passing out chicken coupons."

Oh, now I understand.

Santino: "Yeah, I bet it will be a chicken suit. I'm going to spend all night thinking about chicken suits."

Gee, I hope that doesn't affect your design.

Kara: "I didn't know what the challenge was because I didn't know what to expect."

Or, conversely, you didn't know what to expect because you didn't know what the challenge was.

Kara: "Wow, that's true, too! Freaky!"

Robert delivers a package to Emmett:

Robert: "You don't know who I am, do you?"

Emmett: "Um, of course I remember you. You work in the downtown branch and you helped me mail something at Christmas. You all do such a wonderful job."

Robert: "No; I was on season one."

Emmett: "Of what?"

Robert: "Forget it."

The designers get these ridiculous skating outfits they have to wear. But some are more ridiculous than others:

Kara gets a blue and green velour outfit that's such a retro 1980s horror that it's actually cool.

Chloe gets something that looks like pink tie-dyed cotton. It's pretty awful. It also doesn't really look like a skating outfit. Maybe you would wear it for practice?

Zulema's outfit actually looks like a skating outfit that someone could wear in a lower-level competition. It's like a little pink princess costume, which is kind of a new look for Zulema. She accessorizes with gold glitter eye makeup. Fabulous!

Andrae, Nick, and Emmett get similar outfits with puffy polyester shirts in colors that should be considered crimes against humanity. Andrae is in green and Nick is in purple. I think they are both button-front shirts and, while awful, are not particularly unflattering. Emmett's, however, is an almost fuchsia pink and it's a crew neck that just leaves a solid mass of polyester fabric across his torso that would be unflattering even on someone with a perfect body. How could they do such a thing to Emmett. Seeing such a elegant, sophisticated man in this shirt makes you want to gouge your own eyes out. It just isn't right. It's like the Queen of England in nothing but her underwear. You are not supposed to see that.

Anyway, Santino is in a similar top but in white, which is not nearly as bad. He accessorizes it with a Russian-style hat and he's actually never looked better. Seriously, he looks good. Maybe because he has that awful, greasy hair covered up.

Daniel looks like he's wearing a completely normal outfit. It just looks like a black T-shirt and black pants. The shirt has a stripe of glitter on one side but you don't even notice it at a distance. What's up with that? Why didn't Daniel have to wear an embarrassing outfit? Apparently, someone who has a little crush on Daniel decided to give him the one cool outfit but I'm not suggesting it's Tim ... OK, I'm suggesting it's Tim.

The designers don't know yet what their costumes are. Santino still thinks he's going to be passing out chicken coupons. The van takes them to a prison. The designers are a little worried. No, really, I think Tim says that they parked the van at a prison because it was across the street from the ice skating rink.

So, anyway, they get into the ice skating rink and the designers slowly realize they are wearing ice skating costumes. Yeah, we love our designers but they're a little slow. They see Sasha Cohen out on the ice. Nick creams his pants. Fortunately, they're polyester so that should come out in the wash.

Nick: "Oh, My God! It's Olympic silver medalist Sasha Cohen! I can't believe I'm ten feet away the Sasha Cohen!"

Oh, please. Wake me up when they get an Olympic gold medalist. Back in the original Olympics you either won or you lost. They didn't have sissy silver medals for people who just didn't lose as badly as the rest.

No, I'm totally kidding! Sasha Cohen is fantastic!

Sasha: "I need something that stretches and doesn't give me a wedgie and it should show up on the ice but the sequins can't fall off because that will make a mess. Here's a picture of my crotch!"

Yep, that's a picture of her crotch, alright.

The designers buy fabric and go to a separate store for trim:

Nick: "I need a shitload of sequins."

Daniel: "I'm spending all my money on trims."

Santino: "I need six dead turkeys, please."

There is much drama in the work room:

Emmett: "I've never worked with stretch fabric before."

For those of you who don't know, Emmett is a menswear designer.

Emmett: "Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention that?"

Kara explains stretch fabrics to Emmett:

Kara: "You just have to remember that stretch fabric stretches and you'll be fine. Nick, what do you think of mine?"

Nick: "I am not teaching today! I'm on vacation!"

Kara: "Wow, bitch; I just asked what you thought."

The overlock machine is being a pain in the ass. Everyone tells us how important that machine is for sewing stretch fabrics. Of course, Andrae does it in a British accent so it's more dramatic:

Andrae: "I'm going to fix the machine, everyone! Did you hear me? I'm fixing the machine! Please hold your applause until after I've finished fixing the machine! Thank you!"

Later:

Andrae: "You know I can't constantly be fixing the machine for you."

Nick: "I'm doing my best to keep from slapping you right now."

Daniel: "Will you shut up about the machine! Nobody even asked you to fix it!"

On to the judging, where Heidi looks like she's auditioning for a production of "Chicago" and we have to endure Anne Slowey again (Bravo had better not let Nina take a day off during season four or I'm going to punch you-know-who in the nuts!):

Daniel's looks like an walking eggplant. I hate it.

Zulema's is white and intricate and looks like something a skater would wear. I really didn't like it at all when I originally watched the episode but I've changed my mind. Although it doesn't look very well made, I think it actually fits much better than I remembered and it's kind of pretty. Anyway, I don't mind that Sasha chose it as the winner (though I would have chosen Chloe's).

Kara's is all razzle dazzle. It's not bad but it's pretty boring.

Emmett was going to do van Gogh's Starry Night on his but I guess he ran out of time. The shape is way too simple and the skirt is ugly but I love the detailing at the top. At first glance, it's very pretty but then you realize there just isn't much to it. Too bad. Emmett's out. He was my favorite and I really thought he would go all the way.

Andrae's is influenced by a cyclone and it's not bad. It's not a great color but it's an interesting design and would probably flow nicely on the ice.

Santino's looks like a dead turkey.

Nick's is OK. It's very similar to Daniel's; other than having one bare shoulder, there isn't anything very exciting about either design. Nick's fabric is pretty but I don't think it's quite right for a skating costume.

Chloe's is so imaginative. It's really original and if Sasha had wanted something different but still flattering, she should have picked this. Sasha was worried that she didn't have the curves to pull off this outfit but Grace doesn't have any curves, either. In fact, I think this would have looked better on Sasha than it did on Grace. With Emmett gone, this is the episode where I become a full-on Chloe fan.

What do the judges think?

Michael: "Santino's looks like a baboon's ass exploded on her backside."

Santino: "I knew you would say that."

Anne Slowey: "Kara, that fringe would be so unflattering on a skater's giant thighs."

Ooh, look at me; I'm Anne Slowey and I think I'm so smart.

Anne: "Santino's looks like Carmen Miranda on acid."

I'm sure you thought that would sound clever. It didn't.

Anne: "Emmett's is both vulgar and dowdy."

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!

Oh, I apologize for that outburst. That was rude. Anyway, as I said, Sasha picks Zulema's:

Sasha: "I'll be wearing Zulema's outfit on the ice."

Zulema: "Where and when?"

Sasha: "In hell. When it freezes over."

Top Design Recap, Episode 6: Party Monsters: or My Goil likes to party all the time, party all the time, party all the ti-ime!

My recap is up, over on Top Design Blogger. Check it out here!

Project Runway Recap, Season Two, Episode 6: Window Dressing: or The Cry and Cut Episode!

The episode starts with Santino telling us how, in his mind, he has been hired by the Hilton corporation to redesign everything for the hotel chain, from bath-robes to ashtrays.

Santino: "Nick won the Barbie challenge and I won the Nicky Hilton challenge. One of them is a role-model for girls and the other is a fake, plastic doll. I can't remember which is which but I'm sure my win was better."

He stays with his model, Heather:

Santino: "If there is one thing I am, it's loyal. If there are two things I am, it's loyal and creepy."

We meet Deborah Lloyd, a lovely woman with a really unfortunate haircut. The designers will be creating a look for Banana Republic and Deborah tells them how it should be a look that can transition from day to evening.

Deborah: "This challenge is about molding your personal vision to a national brand."

Tim: "Excuse me, but I get to make the educational and inspirational statements."

Deborah: "Sorry."

The designers grab a bunch of Banana fabric and make some sketches. When they get to the design room Nick finds out his table is gone and he has to use a different one:

Nick: "Oh, my god! That table was my muse! I can't use another table! I don't even feel like being here any more."

Tim tells the designers they will be pairing up for this challenge. Andrae tells us he was shocked. Is Andrae ever not shocked? He always looks like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone after he put on aftershave.

The designers stand around completely dumbfounded. You would have thought Tim just told them they had to jump off the roof of the Altas. Finally they start pairing up:

Santino: "Everyone wanted to be my partner. It was embarrassing."

Nick: "I don't know what happened. One minute everything was normal and the next minute I was Santino's partner. This has something to do with that stupid new table."

Tim: "This is really make it work time."

That's not very helpful.

Tim: "Well, what do you want? That Deborah woman takes all the best lines."

Most of the designers interpret "day into evening" as meaning "wearing a jacket and then taking it off."

Daniel and Andrae are making a really cute dress with a jacket that I originally mistook for the muslin. Andrae calls it Edwardian:

Tim: "That jacket really looks stupid."

Daniel and Andrae: "That's the look we were going for!"

Tim: "Well, then you've really achieved it!"

Daniel and Andrae: "Thank you, Tim!"

Marla and Diana are making a suit. Marla is worried that it isn't flattering. Really? Has Marla seen anything she's ever designed? Unflattering would be a step up.

Diana's design has a layered skirt that pulls to the back and buttons for a sexier evening look. It's the most interesting idea in this whole challenge. Tim talks them out of it and they end up making a completely boring pencil skirt. Maybe the original idea wouldn't have worked but at least it would have been better than what they ended up with. I think this was one of those very few times when TIM MADE A MISTAKE. I know I'm going to be hit by lightning but it had to be said.

Kara immediately starts crying in order to get a head start on it.

The next day Tim tells Zulema and Kara that their dress is not working for him. Kara swallows a bottle of sleeping pills. Zulema forces her to throw up and then puts her to work creating a new dress. Kara continues to cry:

Zulema: "I don't care if you cry but you have to cry and cut!"

Kara starts cutting:

Zulema: "Oh, come on; now you're just messing with me. You know I was talking about cutting the fabric!"

Zulema bandages up Kara's wounds and makes her get to work. They create a dress from scratch in about 15 minutes, leaving them a full 45 seconds to make a jacket.

They take a field trip. Emmett is dressed like a member of a barbershop quartet. They stop in front of Banana Republic. Tim tells them they will be creating window displays. Andrae's head explodes.

Emmett is painting beautiful illustrations of his and Chloe's outfit in their space. It's pretty nice. Tim says it's more fabulous than he can say.

Zulema and Kara have cut out a Manhattan skyline and put up circles in colored construction paper that plays on the fabric pattern of their dress. I think the window is visually arresting and the idea of the model walking across Manhattan to go from day to evening is very effective.

Kara: "She'll be walking from wherevah to wherevah."

Yeah, whatevah. Anyway they have my favorite window.

Daniel and Andrae paint two clocks on the wall, both set to 9:00, and the words "dressed to the nines." Other Eric finds this brilliant. Me, not so much. The concept is good; it gets across the idea of day to evening. But how can you tell which clock is A.M. and which is P.M.? And, I'm sorry, but even if it's clever, it's a visually boring window.

Marla and Diana are fighting.

Santino: "I hope they rip each other's vocal cords out."

Diana wants to create an office scene with lots of crumpled paper on the floor. I think the concept is that the office worker has had enough and is ready to go out and get drunk. It's not a great idea but it's not that bad, either. Marla does nothing but complain about everything. She doesn't come up with any better ideas; she just complains about the ones Diana has.

Nick and Santino are creating the shittiest window display in history. Santino is trying to come up with a possible reason for its astounding shittiness:

Santino: "Our window was smaller than the others."

Here's what I'm thinking: if the window had been bigger, it would have just looked like an even bigger piece of shit. I could be wrong.

Supposedly real Banana Republic customers who happen to be loitering outside the store vote on which display they prefer.

Heidi: "Would you like to know the results of the vote?"

Yes!

Heidi: "Well, too bad. I'm not going to tell you."

Man, what a tease! Yeah, baby, you know how I like it!

On the runway, the judges love Emmett and Chloe's outfit but they think it is too high end, too Bergdorf's. I don't quite get that, but what do I know? Their model, Grace, was absolutely wonderful, turning the jacket inside out and putting it back on in one (I have to say it) graceful move. That could have been really awkward but she made it look easy.

Daniel and Andrae's dress is super cute and very Banana. That, combined with their popular window, makes up for the stupid jacket and they win. Congratulations Daniel and Andrae!

Zulema and Kara's cute dress also makes up for their ugly, unfinished jacket and they are still in.

The judges hate Nick and Santino's stupid outfit. Santino, as usual, defends it by insulting the judges:

Santino: "We imagined this for the director of an art gallery."

Michael Kors: "I know all the major gallerists in New York. They're my clients. And they would never dress like that."

Santino: "Yes, but your clients are old and have bad taste."

Michael: "I'm about ready to let Nina rip your face off."

Heidi: "Nick, could you tell us what went wrong?"

Nick: "Well, it all started when I got the bad table in the design room and then ..."

Heidi: "Forget it; we don't have time for that story. You're in."

Michael: "Marla and Diana, could you please ask the flight attendant to bring us some coffee before you go?"

Wonderful World of Dining: or Eating at Disneyland!

Last night we had dinner at the Napa Rose at the Disneyland Grand Californian Hotel. Our friends Geoffrey and Thommy were celebrating their 10th anniversary and they had a party in the restaurant for 52 people! Holy crap! It's been several years since I've had a five-course meal at a nice restaurant and I don't think I've ever had a wine-pairing meal so this was really special.

First of all, the hotel is beautiful; I'd never been inside it. The Grand Californian is modeled after the early 20th-c. craftsman style. It's Disneyfied craftsman but it's still pretty impressive because it's just so big! The lobby is about six stories high and reminds me of the lobbies of huge National Park lodges. We thought about staying down there for the night because it's a pretty long drive but it was a really busy weekend and many of the hotels were booked and it was too expensive, anyway. It didn't take long to drive home, though, because it was so late. I'm just glad I didn't have to drive; I'd had too much wine.

We arrived a little early (but not early enough to go into the park and go on a ride, which Eric had originally wanted to do) so we walked over to Downtown Disney and Eric bought a T-shirt. Our friend, Aimee, did even more major shopping; she decided she was under-dressed and actually bought a dress in Downtown Disney right before dinner! She is so funny! She had been scouting pirate-themed restaurants for a party, as one does, so she had been wearing jeans. There were people in the restaurant who were dressed pretty casual but most of our party was a little more dressed up. We didn't know most of the people there but we had a wonderful time getting to know the people at our table.

The executive chef for the Napa Rose is Andrew Sutton and the general manager/sommelier is Michael Jordan. You were wondering what Michael Jordan was up to, right? First basketball, then baseball, then underwear modelling, and now he's a sommelier. Seriously, though, that's the guy's name.

We started with canapes and champagne in the bar area. Eric was fall-down drunk after one glass so he didn't have any wine with dinner. He tasted mine, though. The mushroom "tartar" canapes were delicious. I don't know what champagne we were drinking but I'm assured it was actual champagne and not sparkling wine. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

We were seated according to Disney characters; we were at the Goofy table. First course was "Lobster & Acocado Martini 'Shaken Not Stirred' with Creamy Mango-Lime Vinaigrette." It was basically a lobster, avocado, and mango salad served in a martini glass with a breaded jalapeno-stuffed olive. It was a cute presentation and it was tasty. It was paired with a 2001 Chardonnay from the Tantara Winery in the Santa Maria Valley.

Second course was a "Salad of Select Organic Greens, Apples and Laura Chenel Goat Cheese with Candied Walnut Vinaigrette." Delicious. We were still drinking the first wine with this course.

Third course definitely made us think of Top Chef. It was a "Coastal Mushroom Bisque 'Cappuccino' with Brandied Thyme 'Froth.'" It was served in a cappuccino cup and looked just like a cappuccino and the "froth" made us think of Marcel's famous foams. It was very good. This course was paired with a 2002 Belle Glos Pinot Noir from Caymus Vineyards on the Sonoma Coast.

For the entree we had a choice of "Sauteed Salmon with Lobster Risotto and Champagne-Basil Essence; Mine Shaft Blue Cheese Crusted Fillet of Beef Tenderloin with Colcannon Whipped Potatoes and Cabernet Jus; or Rosemary Grilled Lamb Chops with Farm House Roasted Potatoes and Merlot Jus." I chose the fillet. I wish I liked fish more because the salmon sounded really good. The entree was paired with a 2003 Cabernet Sauvignon from the Silverado Vinyards in the Napa Valley. I don't know if the wines were getting better with each course or if we were just getting drunker but this Cabernet was delicious.

For dessert we had a "Scharffen Berger Flourless Chocolate Cake with Double Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream." We were expecting a really sweet desert wine with this course so we were very pleasantly surprised to get a red sparkling wine served in a champagne flute that tasted remarkably like a Kir Royale. I didn't know such a wine existed. It was very refreshing. It was a 2005 Banfi Rosa Regale Brachetto di Acqui from Italy.

By the end of the night there was a baby sleeping in a tablecloth (the adorable Parker) and we were all very happy. Oh, and the valet service is excellent! It was a wonderful meal with wonderful people! Congratulations Geoffrey and Thommy and thank you!