Jane Austen's "Persuasion" on Masterpiece (the artist formerly known as Masterpiece Theatre): Spoiler Alert!
Spoiler Alert? How can there be a spoiler for a novel that's almost two centuries old? Everyone knows what happens, right?
Well, that's unless the writers decided to tack on a weird ending. So if you TiVo'd the new adaptation of "Persuasion" and plan to watch it later, stop reading here.
OK, I didn't think this adaptation was very good. Obviously it is difficult to condense a novel into an hour and a half and the previous adaptation had the luxury of being a bit longer. But the length was not a major issue for me. I'm sure we could have used more character development; if I hadn't been familiar with the story, I certainly would have been lost with some of the finer points of the plot. But what was included was not handled very well. I don't think the casting was very good, although there were some fine actors involved. All the humor of Austen's writing was sucked out of the story. And the end was ridiculous!
The end has Anne running through the streets of Bath like a mental patient and then kissing Captain Wentworth right there on the street. A lady would have been locked up in an asylum for that kind of behavior. That's the kind of thing that knocks you back into reality when you want to be sucked into the film and carried away.
And then at the very end of the film Captain Wentworth gives Anne her home, Kellynch, as "a wedding present." WTF? How did he do that? Yes, maybe he leased it from Anne's father and by "present" he meant "we can live here temporarily." But the implication was that he somehow bought it for her, which I don't think is possible. The property was entailed to her cousin and I don't think her father or cousin would have been able to sell it even if they had wanted to.
It was just a tiny detail in the last few seconds of the film but it kind of ruined the whole thing because instead of feeling happy for the lovers and being satisfied that everything turned out well, you were left wondering why the writers added such a strange ending. Wasn't it a happy enough ending already? I don't get it.
It did look good in high definition, though; the picture quality used to be so bad on Masterpiece Theatre.
Anyway, if you are an Austen fan be sure to check out our friend Ms. Place's Jane Austen blog Jane Austen's World and her post about Masterpiece's adaptation of Persuasion, The Complete Jane Austen.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Project Runway Season Four, Episode 7: Going to Prom (or is it The Prom?)!
Heidi: "Coming up in this episode: Ricky gets emotional!"
No, really. I don't believe it.
But first a word from our sponsor:
Eric Three Thousand is brought to you this week by "27 Dresses." COME ON! It's a movie about dresses! You're going to love it!
OK, but it better really be a movie about 27 dresses! There had better be 27 damn dresses prominently featured in this film! If it turns out to be just another stupid romantic comedy I'm going to be pissed!
Other Eric: "James Marsden is in it!"
Oh, yeah, I forgot Other Eric's boyfriend is in the movie.
Other Eric: "He's so talented!"
Yeah, yeah, I know.
We start the episode with Rami telling us he is confident and Victorya telling us she actually misses Elisa:
Victorya: "I never thought I could form an emotional attachment to another human but I think I have. I noticed that she wasn't here this morning; that counts as missing her, right?"
Heidi comes out onto the runway:
Heidi: "Remember the first time you watched Project Runway? Remember how it changed your life forever? I think I can safely say that was the most important day in your life. This challenge is about the second most important day in a person's life: Prom!"
The models come out:
Kevin: "I can't tell if they are midgets or Oompa Loompas."
Sweet P: "Wow, that's even more insulting than 'fairy princesses or transvestites.'"
Seriously. Turns out they are none of those things; they are teen-aged girls and they have to make their prom dresses.
Christian and Victorya: "Ugh; that's even worse."
So, the girls have chosen which designer they would like to make their dress.
Christian's client is a prissy little know-it-all who thinks she is all that and a bag of chips:
Christian: "I will call her Mini-Me."
Victorya gets to know her client:
Victorya: "So, why did you pick me?"
Client: "Well . . . how can I put this gently? . . . I got to choose last and you were the only one left . . . because no one else wanted to work with you . . . so that's how I got stuck with you."
Victorya: "OK, I get it."
Client: "By the way, I loved your portfolio."
Victorya: "yeah, right."
We get to see Kevin's and Kit's prom pictures and they are hilarious! Ricky is crying, as usual. But this time he is crying because he loves his mama so much. He tells us how he grew up so poor he had to fashion his own super-fantastic shoes out of the cardboard boxes he found behind WalMart. Oh, wait, maybe that was Manolo the Shoe Blogger.
OK, I sometimes wonder if the designers have ever watched previous seasons of the show. Unless your client is a celebrity and will be judging the clothes, you don't really have to listen to your client. As long as you don't completely piss off your client you will be fine. It is more important that the judges like your garment. Find out your client's likes and dislikes (favorite colors, type of look she's going for) and then create something nice using those ideas. Don't let your client design the clothes! Jeez!
Tim: "I keep telling them that but they don't listen."
Victorya, Sweet P, and Christian all have problems with this:
Victorya: "She told me the exact silhouette she wanted but I'm not comfortable with that."
Sweet P: "She said she wanted the dress cut low enough that her vagina would show."
Christian: "She wants a ticky tacky mess."
Fortunately for Victorya and Sweet P they ignore their clients exacting requests and create something more appropriate:
Victorya: "So I changed the silhouette a little. God, I hope she doesn't hate me."
Was that so hard?
Sweet P: "I decided to make a dress that would make sure my client doesn't ever lose her virginity. Oh, and I went completely wild with the color; she wanted ivory but I went with champagne satin because I thought that looked less like a wedding dress."
Yeah, that won't look anything like a wedding dress. And champagne instead of ivory? Gee, you could have had a little respect for your client's wishes!
Christian loses his shit:
Christian: "Everyone is going to be sorry when I'm dead."
Tim: "Snap out of it, you little freak! Get your ass in gear and fix this piece-of-crap dress! Don't make me slap you!"
The designers get a surprise visit from their clients' moms. Ricky's clients mom is afraid he is flirting with her daughter:
Ricky: "Don't laugh! I've dated a girl before!"
Oh, God; another mental image of Ricky we could all do without.
Chris has to explain to his client's mom that the cool pictures in his portfolio are not, in fact, of famed soprano Deborah Voigt, but, instead, are of him in drag.
Chris's client's mom: "Can you make my daughter look like that, anyway?"
The designers compare sob stories:
Sweet P: "I am always in the bottom, you know?"
Victorya: "I've been in the bottom twice so I totally understand how if feels to be a loser like you."
Chris: "Well, I was voted off so I think I win this game."
Elisa: "I was hit by a Porsche and my neck was broken and my head was split open four inches."
Yeah, that's worse.
On to the runway:
The guest judge is Gilles Mendel. Heidi is wearing a dress cut below the knee; I think I'm going to faint.
The girls are walking like linebackers. Have they ever worn heels before?
Victorya: "I taught them how to walk."
Well, that makes sense.
Sweet P made a pretty, floor-length gown. The fabric was very nice and it looked well-made. I found it a little boring but it was one of the better ones of the challenge and she's in the top two.
Sweet P: "I could really use immunity because you know my garment next week is going to suck."
Victorya made a short blue dress that's really cute. I don't love the beading on the chest but the shape is really nice and it works for the challenge. The judges love it. Victorya wins! Congratulations, Victorya!
Chris made a pretty green dress that was OK. He's safe.
Kevin's model comes out on the runway:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! What the hell? Why did they replace that cute teenage girl with a middle-aged prostitute? What? That's the same girl?
Wow, that was bad. Everything about his dress is wrong. The red fabric looks cheap; where the hell did the $200 go? It's too short. The cut is boring. His styling choices were completely wrong. Kevin is out.
Jillian made a sea-foam green dress that is fine.
Christian made a brown, poofy dress with beading and black lace. It isn't horrible; in fact, Heidi says she likes it. But it isn't great and it definitely has construction problems.
Nina: "I hated how Christian blamed everything on his client."
We must have missed something in the editing because I didn't think he said anything that bad. He said she wanted even more crap piled on but he toned it down. That's fine. He must have said more than that to upset Nina so much.
Kit made a blue dress that is fine.
Ricky made a short, flesh-toned dress. I thought it was kind of cute. I understand the complaints about the color being a little dull with her skin tone and the construction wasn't great but I actually liked the shape and thought it was interesting and nice for a prom dress.
Rami made a green dress that was totally inappropriate for the challenge. The shade of green, the length, and the style was all too mature for a 17-year old:
Rami: "Sophisticated is what I do."
Nina: "Well maybe Project Runway isn't the right show for you. Maybe you should try out for the 'I'm Rami and I Get To Do Whatever I Want' show."
Heidi: "Coming up in this episode: Ricky gets emotional!"
No, really. I don't believe it.
But first a word from our sponsor:
Eric Three Thousand is brought to you this week by "27 Dresses." COME ON! It's a movie about dresses! You're going to love it!
OK, but it better really be a movie about 27 dresses! There had better be 27 damn dresses prominently featured in this film! If it turns out to be just another stupid romantic comedy I'm going to be pissed!
Other Eric: "James Marsden is in it!"
Oh, yeah, I forgot Other Eric's boyfriend is in the movie.
Other Eric: "He's so talented!"
Yeah, yeah, I know.
We start the episode with Rami telling us he is confident and Victorya telling us she actually misses Elisa:
Victorya: "I never thought I could form an emotional attachment to another human but I think I have. I noticed that she wasn't here this morning; that counts as missing her, right?"
Heidi comes out onto the runway:
Heidi: "Remember the first time you watched Project Runway? Remember how it changed your life forever? I think I can safely say that was the most important day in your life. This challenge is about the second most important day in a person's life: Prom!"
The models come out:
Kevin: "I can't tell if they are midgets or Oompa Loompas."
Sweet P: "Wow, that's even more insulting than 'fairy princesses or transvestites.'"
Seriously. Turns out they are none of those things; they are teen-aged girls and they have to make their prom dresses.
Christian and Victorya: "Ugh; that's even worse."
So, the girls have chosen which designer they would like to make their dress.
Christian's client is a prissy little know-it-all who thinks she is all that and a bag of chips:
Christian: "I will call her Mini-Me."
Victorya gets to know her client:
Victorya: "So, why did you pick me?"
Client: "Well . . . how can I put this gently? . . . I got to choose last and you were the only one left . . . because no one else wanted to work with you . . . so that's how I got stuck with you."
Victorya: "OK, I get it."
Client: "By the way, I loved your portfolio."
Victorya: "yeah, right."
We get to see Kevin's and Kit's prom pictures and they are hilarious! Ricky is crying, as usual. But this time he is crying because he loves his mama so much. He tells us how he grew up so poor he had to fashion his own super-fantastic shoes out of the cardboard boxes he found behind WalMart. Oh, wait, maybe that was Manolo the Shoe Blogger.
OK, I sometimes wonder if the designers have ever watched previous seasons of the show. Unless your client is a celebrity and will be judging the clothes, you don't really have to listen to your client. As long as you don't completely piss off your client you will be fine. It is more important that the judges like your garment. Find out your client's likes and dislikes (favorite colors, type of look she's going for) and then create something nice using those ideas. Don't let your client design the clothes! Jeez!
Tim: "I keep telling them that but they don't listen."
Victorya, Sweet P, and Christian all have problems with this:
Victorya: "She told me the exact silhouette she wanted but I'm not comfortable with that."
Sweet P: "She said she wanted the dress cut low enough that her vagina would show."
Christian: "She wants a ticky tacky mess."
Fortunately for Victorya and Sweet P they ignore their clients exacting requests and create something more appropriate:
Victorya: "So I changed the silhouette a little. God, I hope she doesn't hate me."
Was that so hard?
Sweet P: "I decided to make a dress that would make sure my client doesn't ever lose her virginity. Oh, and I went completely wild with the color; she wanted ivory but I went with champagne satin because I thought that looked less like a wedding dress."
Yeah, that won't look anything like a wedding dress. And champagne instead of ivory? Gee, you could have had a little respect for your client's wishes!
Christian loses his shit:
Christian: "Everyone is going to be sorry when I'm dead."
Tim: "Snap out of it, you little freak! Get your ass in gear and fix this piece-of-crap dress! Don't make me slap you!"
The designers get a surprise visit from their clients' moms. Ricky's clients mom is afraid he is flirting with her daughter:
Ricky: "Don't laugh! I've dated a girl before!"
Oh, God; another mental image of Ricky we could all do without.
Chris has to explain to his client's mom that the cool pictures in his portfolio are not, in fact, of famed soprano Deborah Voigt, but, instead, are of him in drag.
Chris's client's mom: "Can you make my daughter look like that, anyway?"
The designers compare sob stories:
Sweet P: "I am always in the bottom, you know?"
Victorya: "I've been in the bottom twice so I totally understand how if feels to be a loser like you."
Chris: "Well, I was voted off so I think I win this game."
Elisa: "I was hit by a Porsche and my neck was broken and my head was split open four inches."
Yeah, that's worse.
On to the runway:
The guest judge is Gilles Mendel. Heidi is wearing a dress cut below the knee; I think I'm going to faint.
The girls are walking like linebackers. Have they ever worn heels before?
Victorya: "I taught them how to walk."
Well, that makes sense.
Sweet P made a pretty, floor-length gown. The fabric was very nice and it looked well-made. I found it a little boring but it was one of the better ones of the challenge and she's in the top two.
Sweet P: "I could really use immunity because you know my garment next week is going to suck."
Victorya made a short blue dress that's really cute. I don't love the beading on the chest but the shape is really nice and it works for the challenge. The judges love it. Victorya wins! Congratulations, Victorya!
Chris made a pretty green dress that was OK. He's safe.
Kevin's model comes out on the runway:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! What the hell? Why did they replace that cute teenage girl with a middle-aged prostitute? What? That's the same girl?
Wow, that was bad. Everything about his dress is wrong. The red fabric looks cheap; where the hell did the $200 go? It's too short. The cut is boring. His styling choices were completely wrong. Kevin is out.
Jillian made a sea-foam green dress that is fine.
Christian made a brown, poofy dress with beading and black lace. It isn't horrible; in fact, Heidi says she likes it. But it isn't great and it definitely has construction problems.
Nina: "I hated how Christian blamed everything on his client."
We must have missed something in the editing because I didn't think he said anything that bad. He said she wanted even more crap piled on but he toned it down. That's fine. He must have said more than that to upset Nina so much.
Kit made a blue dress that is fine.
Ricky made a short, flesh-toned dress. I thought it was kind of cute. I understand the complaints about the color being a little dull with her skin tone and the construction wasn't great but I actually liked the shape and thought it was interesting and nice for a prom dress.
Rami made a green dress that was totally inappropriate for the challenge. The shade of green, the length, and the style was all too mature for a 17-year old:
Rami: "Sophisticated is what I do."
Nina: "Well maybe Project Runway isn't the right show for you. Maybe you should try out for the 'I'm Rami and I Get To Do Whatever I Want' show."
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Special election night coverage on Eric Three Thousand!
What an exciting primary! I was getting depressed that four people in Iowa were going to decide the Democratic candidate and that we could be stuck with a Republican candidate who would be just as big an asshole as we have right now.
But then everything changed! The polls were completely wrong and Clinton is back in the race and McCain, who I had completely forgotten about, is back in it, too! I can barely believe it!
As I've pointed out in the past, I think Obama would make an excellent president and I will happily vote for him if he wins the nomination. But I prefer Clinton and I at least wanted the chance to vote for her next month.
I was especially annoyed by what happened after the Iowa caucuses. Iowa voters deserve their say just like the rest of the country and I kind of like their method of picking a candidate; it's basically an instant runoff election, with voters getting to pick their first, and possibly second, choice. But when it comes down to it, they make up a tiny fraction of voters but when someone wins there it has a completely disproportionate effect on the rest of the country. This is not Iowa's fault; it's the fault of the rest of the country for reacting irrationally to the Iowa caucuses.
I was also annoyed by comments by Obama and Edwards. I completely understand that we get a lot of rhetoric and posturing in a political campaign but I find a difference between rhetoric and false statements. Campaigning this last week, Clinton made a statement about how Obama talks a lot about hope but that she was the candidate who could truly get things done. Now, obviously Obama is going to disagree with that and you or I might argue with it as well. But I think it was a perfectly reasonable claim for her to make. Obama responded by telling us Clinton is saying hope is dead. That's a pretty outrageous misstatement. I was also annoyed with Edwards for suggesting that Clinton should drop out of the race because she came in third in Iowa (meanwhile, he just barely beat her in Iowa and now that he lost spectacularly in New Hampshire he is not dropping out of the race).
Quickly let me just mention my thoughts on McCain being back in the Republican race. I like McCain. I don't like his support of the war and he really pissed me off with his completely disingenuous support of Bush in the last election but I still think he is a good guy. He is not arrogant, he is a social moderate, and he usually seems genuinely interested in working with people to find reasonable compromises. He may not be the best option to end the war in Iraq but his foreign policy would be immensely better than our current administration's. He is so much better than the religious extremists against whom he's running that I'm relieved to have him back in the race.
If you are a Democrat you may not think it's a good thing to have a good Republican candidate but don't be comforted by the idea of running against the worst, weakest candidate possible. Al Gore ran against the worst, weakest candidate the Republicans could have possibly found and many Democrats were thrilled because there was no way such an idiot could win. Well, we shouldn't hope for that to happen again. I'd rather have McCain than the other Republican candidates.
Anyway, I'm just excited that Clinton is back in the race. I'm still planning to vote for her. But I'm impressed with Obama; I think he is really good with independents and with bringing in young voters. I would love to see him at the bottom of a Clinton ticket and I would love for him to go from vice president to president nine years from now, when he'll have a little more experience.
Seacrest out.
What an exciting primary! I was getting depressed that four people in Iowa were going to decide the Democratic candidate and that we could be stuck with a Republican candidate who would be just as big an asshole as we have right now.
But then everything changed! The polls were completely wrong and Clinton is back in the race and McCain, who I had completely forgotten about, is back in it, too! I can barely believe it!
As I've pointed out in the past, I think Obama would make an excellent president and I will happily vote for him if he wins the nomination. But I prefer Clinton and I at least wanted the chance to vote for her next month.
I was especially annoyed by what happened after the Iowa caucuses. Iowa voters deserve their say just like the rest of the country and I kind of like their method of picking a candidate; it's basically an instant runoff election, with voters getting to pick their first, and possibly second, choice. But when it comes down to it, they make up a tiny fraction of voters but when someone wins there it has a completely disproportionate effect on the rest of the country. This is not Iowa's fault; it's the fault of the rest of the country for reacting irrationally to the Iowa caucuses.
I was also annoyed by comments by Obama and Edwards. I completely understand that we get a lot of rhetoric and posturing in a political campaign but I find a difference between rhetoric and false statements. Campaigning this last week, Clinton made a statement about how Obama talks a lot about hope but that she was the candidate who could truly get things done. Now, obviously Obama is going to disagree with that and you or I might argue with it as well. But I think it was a perfectly reasonable claim for her to make. Obama responded by telling us Clinton is saying hope is dead. That's a pretty outrageous misstatement. I was also annoyed with Edwards for suggesting that Clinton should drop out of the race because she came in third in Iowa (meanwhile, he just barely beat her in Iowa and now that he lost spectacularly in New Hampshire he is not dropping out of the race).
Quickly let me just mention my thoughts on McCain being back in the Republican race. I like McCain. I don't like his support of the war and he really pissed me off with his completely disingenuous support of Bush in the last election but I still think he is a good guy. He is not arrogant, he is a social moderate, and he usually seems genuinely interested in working with people to find reasonable compromises. He may not be the best option to end the war in Iraq but his foreign policy would be immensely better than our current administration's. He is so much better than the religious extremists against whom he's running that I'm relieved to have him back in the race.
If you are a Democrat you may not think it's a good thing to have a good Republican candidate but don't be comforted by the idea of running against the worst, weakest candidate possible. Al Gore ran against the worst, weakest candidate the Republicans could have possibly found and many Democrats were thrilled because there was no way such an idiot could win. Well, we shouldn't hope for that to happen again. I'd rather have McCain than the other Republican candidates.
Anyway, I'm just excited that Clinton is back in the race. I'm still planning to vote for her. But I'm impressed with Obama; I think he is really good with independents and with bringing in young voters. I would love to see him at the bottom of a Clinton ticket and I would love for him to go from vice president to president nine years from now, when he'll have a little more experience.
Seacrest out.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Project Runway Season Four, episode 6: the post-winter break episode!
Oh, my gosh, it's been two weeks and I've completely forgotten what's going on. Who are these people? Let's recap, shall we?
Here are the most important things to know: Christian thinks he is the bee's knees, Elisa is a little kooky, and Kevin has finally come out of the closet and admitted that he is straight:
Kevin: "I can't tell you how hard it was trying to pass myself off as gay just to make it in the fashion industry."
Life must be so hard for heterosexuals. I don't know how they do it.
Kevin: "I know, right? My parents were so excited when I told them I was going to be a fashion designer but then I had to explain to them that I wasn't gay. My father took it pretty hard but my mother was very supportive. She told me that if I liked girls she would just get used to the idea of someday having grandchildren."
Wow, that was such a moving story.
Santino: "Hey, who wants to go back to the Broad Foundation? I have this huge Saturn that seats about twenty. So, come on and bring your jukebox money!"
Did we run out of designers to do these commercials?
Before we get started, did anyone watch that "Make Me a Supermodel" show? Man, Tyson Beckford and Niki Taylor have the combined personality of Ryan Seacrest. There must be an easier way to see hot guys in their underwear. If only there were a way to access pictures of naked people on my computer. Hmm.
So we start the episode with Kevin missing Steven:
Kevin: "How can I go on without him?"
Christian explains why Steven had to go:
Christian: "His dress sucked."
Right. So let's go see what Heidi is up to:
Heidi: "Hello, bitches! I hope you all enjoyed your two weeks off! I had another baby during the break. I've missed you all so much! Let's pick all new models!"
Christian explains why he picks Lee:
Christian: "Lee is like one of the best models and she's really really good and I really think she's an excellent model and I think it's really important to have a good model and I think she's really good so that's why I picked her."
I don't understand.
Sweet P is finally not picked last. She takes this amazing opportunity to pick the worst model. Just kidding; I'm sure Katie is great. I just wish someone would give her a sandwich.
Tim totally freaks out the designers by showing up at their hotel rooms early in the morning:
Kit: "I am totally traumatized. I'm not wearing a bra."
Tim: "I honestly wasn't even looking at her boobs."
Tim takes the designers to the Hershey's store in Times Square. Look, I really don't mind blatant product placement IF IT MAKES SENSE! But this didn't. The designers ended up making clothes out of pillows, which has nothing to do with candy. They could have gone to any store that has pillows. I found this challenge completely pointless.
Obviously the viewers pick this as their favorite challenge. What the hell is wrong with you people?
Hershey Lady: "Welcome to the sweetest place on earth!"
Oh, shut up.
The designers are really excited:
Christian: "Will someone please shoot me?"
Except for Christian.
Jillian decides to actually use candy and I applaud her for it. Sweet P originally tries making a dress out of broken glass and battery acid but then she changes her mind. Too bad.
Chris is used to making clothes out of food:
Chris: "Real food is not practical. That's why I make all my clothing out of fake food."
Christian creates instantaneously, whatever that means:
Christian: "I don't know why the other designers bother thinking about what they are doing! What a waste of time! I know; I'll go around the room and give everyone a little dose of my fierceness! I'm sure they'll appreciate my input!"
Tim doesn't like Sweet P's second dress:
Tim: "It looks like a maxi pad."
Sweet P: "Have you ever seen a maxi pad?"
Tim: "No."
Now for an important announcement from Bravo:
This episode is brought to you by Hershey's
Well, duh.
Ooh, they changed that Levi's commercial to make it gay. That's kind of cool!
Oh, yeah, and Elisa was hit by a car when she was in London making T-shirts.
Elisa: "It wasn't a car; it was a Porsche. And I wasn't 'hit' so much as 'fully impacted' by it."
Oh, sorry. I don't know why we are getting this story now. I think it means Elisa is either going to win this challenge or be sent home.
The guest judge this week is Zac Posen, apparently an expert on candy.
Ricky made a poofy Hershey's skirt and a silver top. Shockingly, it looks really well made and it fits perfectly. It's actually not bad.
Chris used the Hershey's Logo but cut into thin strips so that it looked like an abstract pattern from a distance. It's really nice! Nina says she would put it in Elle. That is an amazing compliment even though the last time she said it she was talking about a hideous outfit by Bradley that looked like a paper bag. Congratulations to Chris for finally getting into the top three!
Kit made a full Hershey's skirt and a cute Kit Kat top. She's safe.
Elisa created a macabre, disturbing Gretel-like figure:
Elisa: "Do you really think so? That's exactly what I was going for!"
No, I don't really think so; I don't even know what that means.
Kevin's looked wearable. The designers were told to make something wearable. And he created something wearable. That's about all I can say about it.
Kevin: "I wanted to make chocolate wrappers look sexy."
Did you use chocolate wrappers?
Kevin: "No."
Christian used the crinkly Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers glued on to a basic dress. It looked OK but, despite his bitching about unwrapping all that candy, it seemed pretty simple and it also seemed like it's been done before:
Other Eric: "I guess peanut butter cup wrappers are this years coffee filters."
Exactly. The judges don't say anything about it so we don't know if they thought it was fine or if he got through because he had immunity.
Sweet P created another boring, poorly-fitted mess. This was rightfully in the bottom two.
Rami created a cute dress with a pleated pink York Peppermint Patty skirt and a red vinyl top. As Michael pointed out, it could have looked ridiculous but it was so well made and perfectly fitted that it looked great! I went back and forth on whether I thought this was the best design: first I loved it; then I re-watched the show and saw that he started with a huge roll of cellophane wrapping paper, which made me less impressed with it; and then I thought about how difficult it would be to pleat it as perfectly as he did and I was back to loving it again. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!
Jillian made a skirt and top using Twizzlers and it looked good! Amazingly, nothing fell off on the runway. She was the only one to really work with candy so she gets credit right there; but not only was her project the most challenging but it was also successful! She was a close call for the win.
Jillian: "And, on top of that, my model smells really good!"
Michael: "She looks deliciously chic!"
Really? Deliciously chic? whatever.
Victorya made an ugly ruffled mess. Everyone hated it. Even her model was walking like she was afraid to touch it:
Victorya: "No, I told her to walk like that to distract from the dress."
You know what? That almost worked. I was so puzzled by the walk that I really did almost miss how ugly the dress was. Almost."
Victorya: "I think it's totally wearable."
Michael: "You would not wear this."
Victorya: "I would absolutely wear this."
Michael: "You lying cow."
So, Elisa is out. Michael thinks her model looked like she was wearing a brown velvet dress from a flea market and silver shower caps on her arms:
Elisa: "Yes."
Yes? Well, anyway, sorry to see Elisa go. She seemed very sweet and creative. Too bad I didn't like anything she made.
Elisa: "I'm going to wander off now."
Tim: "Sorry, but you can't just wander off; you have to actually leave the building."
Oh, my gosh, it's been two weeks and I've completely forgotten what's going on. Who are these people? Let's recap, shall we?
Here are the most important things to know: Christian thinks he is the bee's knees, Elisa is a little kooky, and Kevin has finally come out of the closet and admitted that he is straight:
Kevin: "I can't tell you how hard it was trying to pass myself off as gay just to make it in the fashion industry."
Life must be so hard for heterosexuals. I don't know how they do it.
Kevin: "I know, right? My parents were so excited when I told them I was going to be a fashion designer but then I had to explain to them that I wasn't gay. My father took it pretty hard but my mother was very supportive. She told me that if I liked girls she would just get used to the idea of someday having grandchildren."
Wow, that was such a moving story.
Santino: "Hey, who wants to go back to the Broad Foundation? I have this huge Saturn that seats about twenty. So, come on and bring your jukebox money!"
Did we run out of designers to do these commercials?
Before we get started, did anyone watch that "Make Me a Supermodel" show? Man, Tyson Beckford and Niki Taylor have the combined personality of Ryan Seacrest. There must be an easier way to see hot guys in their underwear. If only there were a way to access pictures of naked people on my computer. Hmm.
So we start the episode with Kevin missing Steven:
Kevin: "How can I go on without him?"
Christian explains why Steven had to go:
Christian: "His dress sucked."
Right. So let's go see what Heidi is up to:
Heidi: "Hello, bitches! I hope you all enjoyed your two weeks off! I had another baby during the break. I've missed you all so much! Let's pick all new models!"
Christian explains why he picks Lee:
Christian: "Lee is like one of the best models and she's really really good and I really think she's an excellent model and I think it's really important to have a good model and I think she's really good so that's why I picked her."
I don't understand.
Sweet P is finally not picked last. She takes this amazing opportunity to pick the worst model. Just kidding; I'm sure Katie is great. I just wish someone would give her a sandwich.
Tim totally freaks out the designers by showing up at their hotel rooms early in the morning:
Kit: "I am totally traumatized. I'm not wearing a bra."
Tim: "I honestly wasn't even looking at her boobs."
Tim takes the designers to the Hershey's store in Times Square. Look, I really don't mind blatant product placement IF IT MAKES SENSE! But this didn't. The designers ended up making clothes out of pillows, which has nothing to do with candy. They could have gone to any store that has pillows. I found this challenge completely pointless.
Obviously the viewers pick this as their favorite challenge. What the hell is wrong with you people?
Hershey Lady: "Welcome to the sweetest place on earth!"
Oh, shut up.
The designers are really excited:
Christian: "Will someone please shoot me?"
Except for Christian.
Jillian decides to actually use candy and I applaud her for it. Sweet P originally tries making a dress out of broken glass and battery acid but then she changes her mind. Too bad.
Chris is used to making clothes out of food:
Chris: "Real food is not practical. That's why I make all my clothing out of fake food."
Christian creates instantaneously, whatever that means:
Christian: "I don't know why the other designers bother thinking about what they are doing! What a waste of time! I know; I'll go around the room and give everyone a little dose of my fierceness! I'm sure they'll appreciate my input!"
Tim doesn't like Sweet P's second dress:
Tim: "It looks like a maxi pad."
Sweet P: "Have you ever seen a maxi pad?"
Tim: "No."
Now for an important announcement from Bravo:
This episode is brought to you by Hershey's
Well, duh.
Ooh, they changed that Levi's commercial to make it gay. That's kind of cool!
Oh, yeah, and Elisa was hit by a car when she was in London making T-shirts.
Elisa: "It wasn't a car; it was a Porsche. And I wasn't 'hit' so much as 'fully impacted' by it."
Oh, sorry. I don't know why we are getting this story now. I think it means Elisa is either going to win this challenge or be sent home.
The guest judge this week is Zac Posen, apparently an expert on candy.
Ricky made a poofy Hershey's skirt and a silver top. Shockingly, it looks really well made and it fits perfectly. It's actually not bad.
Chris used the Hershey's Logo but cut into thin strips so that it looked like an abstract pattern from a distance. It's really nice! Nina says she would put it in Elle. That is an amazing compliment even though the last time she said it she was talking about a hideous outfit by Bradley that looked like a paper bag. Congratulations to Chris for finally getting into the top three!
Kit made a full Hershey's skirt and a cute Kit Kat top. She's safe.
Elisa created a macabre, disturbing Gretel-like figure:
Elisa: "Do you really think so? That's exactly what I was going for!"
No, I don't really think so; I don't even know what that means.
Kevin's looked wearable. The designers were told to make something wearable. And he created something wearable. That's about all I can say about it.
Kevin: "I wanted to make chocolate wrappers look sexy."
Did you use chocolate wrappers?
Kevin: "No."
Christian used the crinkly Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers glued on to a basic dress. It looked OK but, despite his bitching about unwrapping all that candy, it seemed pretty simple and it also seemed like it's been done before:
Other Eric: "I guess peanut butter cup wrappers are this years coffee filters."
Exactly. The judges don't say anything about it so we don't know if they thought it was fine or if he got through because he had immunity.
Sweet P created another boring, poorly-fitted mess. This was rightfully in the bottom two.
Rami created a cute dress with a pleated pink York Peppermint Patty skirt and a red vinyl top. As Michael pointed out, it could have looked ridiculous but it was so well made and perfectly fitted that it looked great! I went back and forth on whether I thought this was the best design: first I loved it; then I re-watched the show and saw that he started with a huge roll of cellophane wrapping paper, which made me less impressed with it; and then I thought about how difficult it would be to pleat it as perfectly as he did and I was back to loving it again. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!
Jillian made a skirt and top using Twizzlers and it looked good! Amazingly, nothing fell off on the runway. She was the only one to really work with candy so she gets credit right there; but not only was her project the most challenging but it was also successful! She was a close call for the win.
Jillian: "And, on top of that, my model smells really good!"
Michael: "She looks deliciously chic!"
Really? Deliciously chic? whatever.
Victorya made an ugly ruffled mess. Everyone hated it. Even her model was walking like she was afraid to touch it:
Victorya: "No, I told her to walk like that to distract from the dress."
You know what? That almost worked. I was so puzzled by the walk that I really did almost miss how ugly the dress was. Almost."
Victorya: "I think it's totally wearable."
Michael: "You would not wear this."
Victorya: "I would absolutely wear this."
Michael: "You lying cow."
So, Elisa is out. Michael thinks her model looked like she was wearing a brown velvet dress from a flea market and silver shower caps on her arms:
Elisa: "Yes."
Yes? Well, anyway, sorry to see Elisa go. She seemed very sweet and creative. Too bad I didn't like anything she made.
Elisa: "I'm going to wander off now."
Tim: "Sorry, but you can't just wander off; you have to actually leave the building."
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year!
(Or, for our atheists friends: Happy New Year!)
Did everyone have fun last night? Good, good; glad to hear it.
Other Eric and I went to "A Night in Paris" at the Disney Concert Hall (beautiful Frank Gehry building; very cramped seats). Belinda Carlisle and Rufus Wainwright were performing. Nothing says "New Year's Eve" like Belinda Carlisle singing Edith Piaf.
Other Eric had his usual response to hearing Belinda live: "She was better than I was expecting."
She was singing music off her French Album, "Voila."
Other Eric: "You know why that sounded better than the album?"
Me: "Because it couldn't have sounded worse?"
Other Eric: "No. Because her voice blended in better with the live band."
Sorry; I really like her voice when she's singing pop songs but I just don't think she can sing other types of music. Other Eric enjoyed it.
Rufus Wainwright, on the other hand, was amazing! I loved his earlier albums but I've never heard him live. My goodness, what a talent! Not only is he a talented composer and songwriter, but he also has an incredible voice and he is so entertaining with his banter between songs. I had thought some of his recent projects seemed a little self-indulgent but now I think I could actually sit through him doing an entire Judy Garland concert.
So, we rang in the new year with Belinda and Rufus and it was fun!
Now for my semi-annual bitching about the public transportation system in Los Angeles:
We decided to take the subway downtown so we wouldn't have to drive with all the drunks. But, of course, like most cities, the trains usually stop running shortly after midnight so that people can't use them to get home after a night of drinking. I've never understood that. Anyway, we thought the trains were probably running later on New Year's Eve but we couldn't find any information about it anywhere. You would think that would be something you could find on the MTA website. But I guess if the MTA actually provided information about taking public transportation, people might actually take it and that, apparently, is not what they want. So, after searching the Internet, we finally found a news article mentioning that the trains would be running all night and it also mentioned that it would be free from 9 to 2, something else not mentioned on the MTA site. Even at the subway station there was no information about the trains running all night or about them being free. We decided to risk it and not buy tickets (there are no turnstiles in Los Angeles so we just had to guess that the information we found was correct).
Wow, that was an interesting train ride! The people last night were even weirder than usual. It was kind of fun except that it was so crowded and drunk people were falling all over the place (and there was an old woman who might have been dead, riding around in that seat for days).
Oh, my other complaint of the weekend is that I couldn't put up my review on Tripadvisor.com. I wasted an hour writing and rewriting a review and it kept telling me to enter my password even though I was already logged in. So annoying!
So, my review was going to be of our hotel in Palm Springs, where we had gone for a quick Saturday night stay over. We just went for one night in order to go shopping at the vintage shops and the outlet mall in Cabazon. We still need a few things for the house but we didn't find anything. The stores in Palm Springs used to be much better than they are now. We just didn't find anything we liked. And the two outlet stores I wanted to go to in Cabazon are not there anymore: Club Monaco and the bed and bath store. I just painted my bathroom orange and I needed to buy new towels and a shower curtain. So the whole shopping trip was a bust.
We stayed at hotel Zoso, which bills itself as a four-star resort with the swimming pool but, in fact, it is a four-star hotel with a dipping pool. some day soon it's supposed to be getting a spa but, until then, I don't think it's a resort. Charging a "resort fee" doesn't magically make it a resort.
I got a really good deal on Hotwire so I didn't know what hotel I was getting before I booked, except that I was guaranteed a four-star resort with a swimming pool. I did want to go swimming so I was a little disappointed in the tiny four-foot deep dipping pool. But the water was nice and I had it mostly to myself since the weather was cold so it was OK.
The hotel itself is very nice; the rooms are beautiful and big and the staff are friendly. The location is excellent; you can walk across the street to the downtown village area (oh, there is a yogurt shop called Cactusberry, that is a total rip-off of Pinkberry except that they use Trix as a topping instead of Fruity Pebbles!). So I recommend it as a nice hotel but not if you want a resort.
So, there's my New Year's Day report. My resolution for the new year is to complain more and I think I'm off to a good start!
Have a great 2008! (Hey, that rhymes!)
(Or, for our atheists friends: Happy New Year!)
Did everyone have fun last night? Good, good; glad to hear it.
Other Eric and I went to "A Night in Paris" at the Disney Concert Hall (beautiful Frank Gehry building; very cramped seats). Belinda Carlisle and Rufus Wainwright were performing. Nothing says "New Year's Eve" like Belinda Carlisle singing Edith Piaf.
Other Eric had his usual response to hearing Belinda live: "She was better than I was expecting."
She was singing music off her French Album, "Voila."
Other Eric: "You know why that sounded better than the album?"
Me: "Because it couldn't have sounded worse?"
Other Eric: "No. Because her voice blended in better with the live band."
Sorry; I really like her voice when she's singing pop songs but I just don't think she can sing other types of music. Other Eric enjoyed it.
Rufus Wainwright, on the other hand, was amazing! I loved his earlier albums but I've never heard him live. My goodness, what a talent! Not only is he a talented composer and songwriter, but he also has an incredible voice and he is so entertaining with his banter between songs. I had thought some of his recent projects seemed a little self-indulgent but now I think I could actually sit through him doing an entire Judy Garland concert.
So, we rang in the new year with Belinda and Rufus and it was fun!
Now for my semi-annual bitching about the public transportation system in Los Angeles:
We decided to take the subway downtown so we wouldn't have to drive with all the drunks. But, of course, like most cities, the trains usually stop running shortly after midnight so that people can't use them to get home after a night of drinking. I've never understood that. Anyway, we thought the trains were probably running later on New Year's Eve but we couldn't find any information about it anywhere. You would think that would be something you could find on the MTA website. But I guess if the MTA actually provided information about taking public transportation, people might actually take it and that, apparently, is not what they want. So, after searching the Internet, we finally found a news article mentioning that the trains would be running all night and it also mentioned that it would be free from 9 to 2, something else not mentioned on the MTA site. Even at the subway station there was no information about the trains running all night or about them being free. We decided to risk it and not buy tickets (there are no turnstiles in Los Angeles so we just had to guess that the information we found was correct).
Wow, that was an interesting train ride! The people last night were even weirder than usual. It was kind of fun except that it was so crowded and drunk people were falling all over the place (and there was an old woman who might have been dead, riding around in that seat for days).
Oh, my other complaint of the weekend is that I couldn't put up my review on Tripadvisor.com. I wasted an hour writing and rewriting a review and it kept telling me to enter my password even though I was already logged in. So annoying!
So, my review was going to be of our hotel in Palm Springs, where we had gone for a quick Saturday night stay over. We just went for one night in order to go shopping at the vintage shops and the outlet mall in Cabazon. We still need a few things for the house but we didn't find anything. The stores in Palm Springs used to be much better than they are now. We just didn't find anything we liked. And the two outlet stores I wanted to go to in Cabazon are not there anymore: Club Monaco and the bed and bath store. I just painted my bathroom orange and I needed to buy new towels and a shower curtain. So the whole shopping trip was a bust.
We stayed at hotel Zoso, which bills itself as a four-star resort with the swimming pool but, in fact, it is a four-star hotel with a dipping pool. some day soon it's supposed to be getting a spa but, until then, I don't think it's a resort. Charging a "resort fee" doesn't magically make it a resort.
I got a really good deal on Hotwire so I didn't know what hotel I was getting before I booked, except that I was guaranteed a four-star resort with a swimming pool. I did want to go swimming so I was a little disappointed in the tiny four-foot deep dipping pool. But the water was nice and I had it mostly to myself since the weather was cold so it was OK.
The hotel itself is very nice; the rooms are beautiful and big and the staff are friendly. The location is excellent; you can walk across the street to the downtown village area (oh, there is a yogurt shop called Cactusberry, that is a total rip-off of Pinkberry except that they use Trix as a topping instead of Fruity Pebbles!). So I recommend it as a nice hotel but not if you want a resort.
So, there's my New Year's Day report. My resolution for the new year is to complain more and I think I'm off to a good start!
Have a great 2008! (Hey, that rhymes!)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry War on Christmas ... er, I mean Happy Holidays from Eric Three Thousand!
Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season. Yeah, and ALL seasons! Seriously, who came up with that lame saying? Christmas isn't enough for Jesus? He needs Thanksgiving, New Year's day, and Hanukkah as well? That's a little selfish.
A better saying would be "Jesus is the reason we call an ancient pagan holiday 'Christmas.'" But, of course, that doesn't rhyme.
Like most people in the western world and much of the rest, I celebrate Christmas. I have a tree and fairy lights and presents. And most Christians are happy that everyone celebrates their religious holiday even if most people aren't really marking it in a religious way.
But then there are assholes like Bill O'Reilly who want it both ways. They want Christmas to be a national holiday and they want everyone to celebrate but, at the same time, they complain that people are forgetting about Jesus.
The other day I was listening to an interview on NPR with the mayor of some town who decided it was appropriate to put a manger scene on top of the town hall even though there were complaints by some non-Christians. His reasoning was this: as long as the manger was part of an overall display including Santa Clause then it was fine. When asked if they ever display symbols for the holidays of other religions, such as a menorah for Hanukkah, he said he has gotten requests for all kinds of ridiculous things such as the "Flying Spaghetti Holiday" and he finds that insulting to Christianity. So let me get this straight; he doesn't find comparing Hanukkah to flying spaghetti to be insulting?
When it was suggested that maybe Christmas decorations that weren't overtly religious would be more appropriate for a government building he reminded us that Jesus was the whole reason for the holiday in the first place.
Well, you can't have it both ways; either it's a civic holiday that everyone can enjoy OR it's a purely religious holiday that shouldn't be promoted by the government.
Anyway, as I said, it's really an ancient pagan winter solstice celebration that was co-opted by the Christians to celebrate the birth of a baby who was probably born in the spring. Whatever.
Sorry about my rant. I want everyone of every religion to celebrate any way they choose. Manger scenes on government building don't even bother me. It just bothers me that some people don't even understand that it could seem like government promotion of a specific religion, which is a problem.
But seriously, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy Whatever!
Hope you all have a great 2008!
Love,
Eric Three Thousand
Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season. Yeah, and ALL seasons! Seriously, who came up with that lame saying? Christmas isn't enough for Jesus? He needs Thanksgiving, New Year's day, and Hanukkah as well? That's a little selfish.
A better saying would be "Jesus is the reason we call an ancient pagan holiday 'Christmas.'" But, of course, that doesn't rhyme.
Like most people in the western world and much of the rest, I celebrate Christmas. I have a tree and fairy lights and presents. And most Christians are happy that everyone celebrates their religious holiday even if most people aren't really marking it in a religious way.
But then there are assholes like Bill O'Reilly who want it both ways. They want Christmas to be a national holiday and they want everyone to celebrate but, at the same time, they complain that people are forgetting about Jesus.
The other day I was listening to an interview on NPR with the mayor of some town who decided it was appropriate to put a manger scene on top of the town hall even though there were complaints by some non-Christians. His reasoning was this: as long as the manger was part of an overall display including Santa Clause then it was fine. When asked if they ever display symbols for the holidays of other religions, such as a menorah for Hanukkah, he said he has gotten requests for all kinds of ridiculous things such as the "Flying Spaghetti Holiday" and he finds that insulting to Christianity. So let me get this straight; he doesn't find comparing Hanukkah to flying spaghetti to be insulting?
When it was suggested that maybe Christmas decorations that weren't overtly religious would be more appropriate for a government building he reminded us that Jesus was the whole reason for the holiday in the first place.
Well, you can't have it both ways; either it's a civic holiday that everyone can enjoy OR it's a purely religious holiday that shouldn't be promoted by the government.
Anyway, as I said, it's really an ancient pagan winter solstice celebration that was co-opted by the Christians to celebrate the birth of a baby who was probably born in the spring. Whatever.
Sorry about my rant. I want everyone of every religion to celebrate any way they choose. Manger scenes on government building don't even bother me. It just bothers me that some people don't even understand that it could seem like government promotion of a specific religion, which is a problem.
But seriously, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy Whatever!
Hope you all have a great 2008!
Love,
Eric Three Thousand
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Project Runway Season Four, Episode 5: Have you called Jenny yet?
This is Project Runway, let's go, hell, yes, I'm the best, you're either in or you're out, I'm in, they're out, I wouldn't be caught dead in his clothes, fashion is my life, who will be the next big fashion designer? that's me, bottom line, I'm the best, I will own the runway, for these fifteen designers this will be the opportunity of a lifetime!
Or, in other words, everyone can suck it.
Christian: "I thought I was going to die"
You keep saying that but you never do.
So, Chris is gone . . . or is he? Ooh, how ominous!
Jack thinks he has a pimple:
Tempest Bledsoe: "Oh, one time I had this pimple on my forehead and I was so embarrassed I didn't want to go to school but my sister Denise showed me this great trick of wearing a cool scarf around your head! I totally rocked the 80s in that look!"
Yeah, you did! Unfortunately that's not going to work in this situation. Jack's upper lip is really swolen from some infection. I noticed last week that his face was looking really freaky but I couldn't tell what the problem was. Well, now it's gotten worse and he may have to do something about it. He starts the challenge but then he has to leave:
Tim: "Designers, I have an announcement. It has been brought to my attention that Jack had all the pages of a pattern book tattooed on his body. This is clearly against the rules so we had to ask him to leave."
Jack: "No, I'm leaving to get medical attention."
Tim: "Oh, that's right. I've just been watching a lot of 'Prison Break' lately and I got confused."
So, what's the challenge? Heidi walks out onto the runway to tell us:
Heidi: "Hello. OK, enough small talk. Here are your models."
Kirstie Alley: "I've lost 700 pounds! Have you called Jenny yet?"
Heidi: "Will someone please get that attention whore off my runway?"
The real models for this challenge walk out onto the runway:
Sweet P: "I can't tell whether they are fairy princesses or transvestites."
Well, there's an idea for your next movie, Disney: transvestite princesses! Something the whole family will enjoy!
OK, we know they can't be fairy princesses because those are just pretend. So obviously the models must be transvestites. And boy, do these transvestites need a makeover. Apparently they have all just lost a lot of weight:
Kirstie Alley: "Jenny made it so easy! I even got to eat chocolate cake!"
Heidi: "Get out of here!"
Sorry; back to the transvestites: I don't care what they are wearing; someone needs to get them to the L'Oreal hair and makeup room STAT! Seriously; it's an emergency!
Oh, alright; we'll talk about the clothes first. You would think from what they are wearing that being overweight means you have to wear really ugly clothes from the 1980s. Look, I've been to Lane Bryant and there are some nice clothes for big girls. There was no excuse for what they considered their favorite outfits.
The challenge is to take these fat clothes and use the material to make something more appropriate for this century and their new sizes.
One of the models is wearing her wedding dress:
Kevin: "Everyone was thinking, 'who is going to get the wedding dress?' Everyone wanted it!"
Steven: "Please God, let me get the wedding dress! America, start praying for me now!"
Steven gets the wedding dress.
Steven: "Jealous much?"
Sweet P is picked last again. That really is starting to get freaky. Fortunately, it didn't make a difference in this challenge since the models were randomly assigned anyway.
The designers get to work in the design room. There's a message from Chris. The note basically tells the other designers that they can suck it. Just kidding.
Tim tells the designers that they need to make something suitable for the everyday life of a transvestite. You know, something they could wear to a Mardi Gras celebration.
Victorya: "These are not like our regular transvestites. These are just normal, average transvestites and it's a whole different set of rules."
Transvestites: "What a bitch."
Steven had a big challenge to transform a white beaded wedding dress into something wearable. But he also had the biggest opportunity to wow the judges. He really could have gotten away with murder in this challenge. almost anything he could have done would have been impressive.
Except for what he ends up doing. He completely blows it. He decides he can't use the dress because the fabric was cheap-ass shit:
Steven: "It was polyester satin with acetate lace. It was so horrible I couldn't bear to touch it. I was afraid I would get a rash."
Model: "Hey, that's my wedding dress you're talking about!"
Seriously, he's totally insulting this woman's wedding dress. That's so rude. Yes, it was a really tacky dress but you don't need to actually say it. Oops.
So he goes to Mood and buys some even worse cheap-ass shitty fabric ... in black! WTF?
Jillian also decides she can't use her original garment and just buys some similar red fabric to use. Why? I don't get it. It was a fun challenge; I don't understand why these two decided not to do it.
So, back in the design room Ricky is wearing some heels and his model's jeans as Capri pants and his belly is hanging out:
Steven: "Dear lord, help me now."
Yeah, I think we could all use some help recovering from that image. Geez, that was not pretty.
Tim comes in to make an announcement. Chris is back as one of the un-aufed, cursed to wander the halls of Parsons for all eternity, sucking design inspiration from the living. This pitiful creature will be forced to keep making outfits until Nina and Michael stab him in the heart with a sharp insult and Heidi finally puts his soul to rest permanently.
This really is a Project Runway first! And Heidi doesn't even make a grand announcement about it. Sure, Angela and Vincent came back for one challenge but they could only stay if they won the challenge and everyone knew that was never going to happen so it wasn't the same as really bringing them back. But Chris gets to come back and make another "just barely not the worst so he can stay" outfit and he's through to the next challenge!
Tim and Heidi: "We brought back Chris to keep the competition at a high level."
No, you brought him back so we would be left with the right number of contestants."
Tim and Heidi: "Whatever."
So Chris takes over Jack's model:
Chris: "Oh, I am so good at making costumes for transvestites! I am going to rock this challenge!"
OK, unfortunately, Chris is a little tired and didn't understand that I was just joking about the transvestites.
Tim tells Chris he can stay up all night since he got a late start. But he warns him about making decisions in the middle of the night:
Tim: "I've made some really bad decisions at 3:00 in the morning."
Designers: "Ooh, we want names!"
Tim: "Oh, you guys are terrible!"
Time for the Saturn commercial:
Chloe: "Whenever I'm in Los Angeles, which is never, I like to drive my Saturn to Echo Park."
Chloe lays in the grass and closes her eyes for a moment. When she opens her eyes her purse is gone, she's covered in graffiti, and she's surrounded by used syringes.
Chloe: "It's so inspiring!"
The models are being sent to hair and makeup. Thank God.
On to the runway! The guest judge is some guy from the GAP, for no particular reason.
For the most part the women look great! The designers did a really good job!
Jillian made a boring red dress that had almost nothing to do with the original garment except for the color. The dress isn't the worst but I think it's kind of ugly and it doesn't seem to fit well. For some reason the judges think it is beautiful. She's in the top three. I don't get it.
Jillian: "I transformed this woman! Her life will never be the same! I have the power of God!"
Sweet P made a cute halter dress out of a hideous olive-green sack. She's safe.
Ricky made a nice top and jeans out of a really ugly top and jeans. Did he change the color of the top? He's safe.
Ricky: "Oh, my God. The woman told me I was great and she hopes I'm successful. I've never been so moved in my entire life. Can I have a Kleenex?"
Chris made a cute top (although I'm not sure it looked that much different from the original top) and a skirt that had a little too much going on. The red trim sent it over the top:
Michael: "It's a little Shirley Maclaine as a transvestite hooker with a heart of gold."
Chris: "I can't tell if that's a compliment."
Christian made a really fierce outfit! That's right: fierce! It fit perfectly, it looked interesting, and you could tell his client loved it. Christian wins immunity in the next challenge. Congratulations, Christian!
Christian: "Yay! I've finally sold out and made something commercial! The next thing you know my clothes will be on sale at Target!"
Victorya made a decent cocktail dress out of a horrible green velvet sack. She's safe.
Elisa made kind of a weird artsy fartsy outfit. It wasn't bad but I can't really see that woman wearing it. It might look OK on a gallery director:
Michael: "My clients are gallery directors and they would never wear that."
Santino: "Yeah, but your clients are old and boring."
Michael: "I should have Nina slap you in the face for that comment."
Elisa: "I made a day trousseau and now my model really has an increased sexuality. With so many men in this room she should really be careful!"
I think she'll be alright. OK, so using the term "trousseau" completely inappropriately and talking about that woman's sexuality was a little weird but it's hardly up to Elisa's high standards of weirdness:
Elisa: "Sorry; I used up all my 'A' material."
It's very disappointing.
Kevin created a really cute yellow top out of an inexcusable yellow blazer. Black and yellow is a horrible combination - it makes you look like a bee - but Kevin made it work. He was a contender for the win:
Michael: "Just be careful with leggings. They can turn on you. I had a friend who was killed by a pair of leggings."
Rami made a cute top and a nice skirt from a pair of pants. It fit really well. He's safe.
Steve created one of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen. It was a shapeless black sack with white trim. It looked much worse than any of the original ugly outfits. It was really inexplicable:
Michael: "I'm speechless."
Nina: "We should be so lucky."
The judges decide it looks like a French maid at a funeral . . . in the rain . . . after being hit with an ugly stick. No transvestite would ever be caught dead wearing this.
There was no choice; Steven is out.
Next week Tim takes the designers to a destination! Ooh, I love destinations!
This is Project Runway, let's go, hell, yes, I'm the best, you're either in or you're out, I'm in, they're out, I wouldn't be caught dead in his clothes, fashion is my life, who will be the next big fashion designer? that's me, bottom line, I'm the best, I will own the runway, for these fifteen designers this will be the opportunity of a lifetime!
Or, in other words, everyone can suck it.
Christian: "I thought I was going to die"
You keep saying that but you never do.
So, Chris is gone . . . or is he? Ooh, how ominous!
Jack thinks he has a pimple:
Tempest Bledsoe: "Oh, one time I had this pimple on my forehead and I was so embarrassed I didn't want to go to school but my sister Denise showed me this great trick of wearing a cool scarf around your head! I totally rocked the 80s in that look!"
Yeah, you did! Unfortunately that's not going to work in this situation. Jack's upper lip is really swolen from some infection. I noticed last week that his face was looking really freaky but I couldn't tell what the problem was. Well, now it's gotten worse and he may have to do something about it. He starts the challenge but then he has to leave:
Tim: "Designers, I have an announcement. It has been brought to my attention that Jack had all the pages of a pattern book tattooed on his body. This is clearly against the rules so we had to ask him to leave."
Jack: "No, I'm leaving to get medical attention."
Tim: "Oh, that's right. I've just been watching a lot of 'Prison Break' lately and I got confused."
So, what's the challenge? Heidi walks out onto the runway to tell us:
Heidi: "Hello. OK, enough small talk. Here are your models."
Kirstie Alley: "I've lost 700 pounds! Have you called Jenny yet?"
Heidi: "Will someone please get that attention whore off my runway?"
The real models for this challenge walk out onto the runway:
Sweet P: "I can't tell whether they are fairy princesses or transvestites."
Well, there's an idea for your next movie, Disney: transvestite princesses! Something the whole family will enjoy!
OK, we know they can't be fairy princesses because those are just pretend. So obviously the models must be transvestites. And boy, do these transvestites need a makeover. Apparently they have all just lost a lot of weight:
Kirstie Alley: "Jenny made it so easy! I even got to eat chocolate cake!"
Heidi: "Get out of here!"
Sorry; back to the transvestites: I don't care what they are wearing; someone needs to get them to the L'Oreal hair and makeup room STAT! Seriously; it's an emergency!
Oh, alright; we'll talk about the clothes first. You would think from what they are wearing that being overweight means you have to wear really ugly clothes from the 1980s. Look, I've been to Lane Bryant and there are some nice clothes for big girls. There was no excuse for what they considered their favorite outfits.
The challenge is to take these fat clothes and use the material to make something more appropriate for this century and their new sizes.
One of the models is wearing her wedding dress:
Kevin: "Everyone was thinking, 'who is going to get the wedding dress?' Everyone wanted it!"
Steven: "Please God, let me get the wedding dress! America, start praying for me now!"
Steven gets the wedding dress.
Steven: "Jealous much?"
Sweet P is picked last again. That really is starting to get freaky. Fortunately, it didn't make a difference in this challenge since the models were randomly assigned anyway.
The designers get to work in the design room. There's a message from Chris. The note basically tells the other designers that they can suck it. Just kidding.
Tim tells the designers that they need to make something suitable for the everyday life of a transvestite. You know, something they could wear to a Mardi Gras celebration.
Victorya: "These are not like our regular transvestites. These are just normal, average transvestites and it's a whole different set of rules."
Transvestites: "What a bitch."
Steven had a big challenge to transform a white beaded wedding dress into something wearable. But he also had the biggest opportunity to wow the judges. He really could have gotten away with murder in this challenge. almost anything he could have done would have been impressive.
Except for what he ends up doing. He completely blows it. He decides he can't use the dress because the fabric was cheap-ass shit:
Steven: "It was polyester satin with acetate lace. It was so horrible I couldn't bear to touch it. I was afraid I would get a rash."
Model: "Hey, that's my wedding dress you're talking about!"
Seriously, he's totally insulting this woman's wedding dress. That's so rude. Yes, it was a really tacky dress but you don't need to actually say it. Oops.
So he goes to Mood and buys some even worse cheap-ass shitty fabric ... in black! WTF?
Jillian also decides she can't use her original garment and just buys some similar red fabric to use. Why? I don't get it. It was a fun challenge; I don't understand why these two decided not to do it.
So, back in the design room Ricky is wearing some heels and his model's jeans as Capri pants and his belly is hanging out:
Steven: "Dear lord, help me now."
Yeah, I think we could all use some help recovering from that image. Geez, that was not pretty.
Tim comes in to make an announcement. Chris is back as one of the un-aufed, cursed to wander the halls of Parsons for all eternity, sucking design inspiration from the living. This pitiful creature will be forced to keep making outfits until Nina and Michael stab him in the heart with a sharp insult and Heidi finally puts his soul to rest permanently.
This really is a Project Runway first! And Heidi doesn't even make a grand announcement about it. Sure, Angela and Vincent came back for one challenge but they could only stay if they won the challenge and everyone knew that was never going to happen so it wasn't the same as really bringing them back. But Chris gets to come back and make another "just barely not the worst so he can stay" outfit and he's through to the next challenge!
Tim and Heidi: "We brought back Chris to keep the competition at a high level."
No, you brought him back so we would be left with the right number of contestants."
Tim and Heidi: "Whatever."
So Chris takes over Jack's model:
Chris: "Oh, I am so good at making costumes for transvestites! I am going to rock this challenge!"
OK, unfortunately, Chris is a little tired and didn't understand that I was just joking about the transvestites.
Tim tells Chris he can stay up all night since he got a late start. But he warns him about making decisions in the middle of the night:
Tim: "I've made some really bad decisions at 3:00 in the morning."
Designers: "Ooh, we want names!"
Tim: "Oh, you guys are terrible!"
Time for the Saturn commercial:
Chloe: "Whenever I'm in Los Angeles, which is never, I like to drive my Saturn to Echo Park."
Chloe lays in the grass and closes her eyes for a moment. When she opens her eyes her purse is gone, she's covered in graffiti, and she's surrounded by used syringes.
Chloe: "It's so inspiring!"
The models are being sent to hair and makeup. Thank God.
On to the runway! The guest judge is some guy from the GAP, for no particular reason.
For the most part the women look great! The designers did a really good job!
Jillian made a boring red dress that had almost nothing to do with the original garment except for the color. The dress isn't the worst but I think it's kind of ugly and it doesn't seem to fit well. For some reason the judges think it is beautiful. She's in the top three. I don't get it.
Jillian: "I transformed this woman! Her life will never be the same! I have the power of God!"
Sweet P made a cute halter dress out of a hideous olive-green sack. She's safe.
Ricky made a nice top and jeans out of a really ugly top and jeans. Did he change the color of the top? He's safe.
Ricky: "Oh, my God. The woman told me I was great and she hopes I'm successful. I've never been so moved in my entire life. Can I have a Kleenex?"
Chris made a cute top (although I'm not sure it looked that much different from the original top) and a skirt that had a little too much going on. The red trim sent it over the top:
Michael: "It's a little Shirley Maclaine as a transvestite hooker with a heart of gold."
Chris: "I can't tell if that's a compliment."
Christian made a really fierce outfit! That's right: fierce! It fit perfectly, it looked interesting, and you could tell his client loved it. Christian wins immunity in the next challenge. Congratulations, Christian!
Christian: "Yay! I've finally sold out and made something commercial! The next thing you know my clothes will be on sale at Target!"
Victorya made a decent cocktail dress out of a horrible green velvet sack. She's safe.
Elisa made kind of a weird artsy fartsy outfit. It wasn't bad but I can't really see that woman wearing it. It might look OK on a gallery director:
Michael: "My clients are gallery directors and they would never wear that."
Santino: "Yeah, but your clients are old and boring."
Michael: "I should have Nina slap you in the face for that comment."
Elisa: "I made a day trousseau and now my model really has an increased sexuality. With so many men in this room she should really be careful!"
I think she'll be alright. OK, so using the term "trousseau" completely inappropriately and talking about that woman's sexuality was a little weird but it's hardly up to Elisa's high standards of weirdness:
Elisa: "Sorry; I used up all my 'A' material."
It's very disappointing.
Kevin created a really cute yellow top out of an inexcusable yellow blazer. Black and yellow is a horrible combination - it makes you look like a bee - but Kevin made it work. He was a contender for the win:
Michael: "Just be careful with leggings. They can turn on you. I had a friend who was killed by a pair of leggings."
Rami made a cute top and a nice skirt from a pair of pants. It fit really well. He's safe.
Steve created one of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen. It was a shapeless black sack with white trim. It looked much worse than any of the original ugly outfits. It was really inexplicable:
Michael: "I'm speechless."
Nina: "We should be so lucky."
The judges decide it looks like a French maid at a funeral . . . in the rain . . . after being hit with an ugly stick. No transvestite would ever be caught dead wearing this.
There was no choice; Steven is out.
Next week Tim takes the designers to a destination! Ooh, I love destinations!
Friday, December 07, 2007
Project Runway Season Four, Episode 4: Blast from the Past!
America, start praying for Steven . . . now. I don't know why we should do that; I'm just the messenger.
Steven: "You have no idea how hard it is to constantly come up with new ways to say, 'ooh, another scary challenge; whatever shall we do?'"
I understand.
Before we start the program there is an advertisement for a new Project Runway product:
Heidi: "Do you ever find yourself wishing you smelled like one of the designers after running around Mood and lower Manhattan on a hot summer day and then working in a stuffy, crowded design room for 16 straight hours? Do you ever think, 'I wish I could get that feeling of having Nina Garcia tell me I'm a disappointment or Micheal Kors tell me I look like Bea Arthur'? Maybe you've just wanted to have me say 'auf wiedersehen' when you're so exhausted you just want to punch me in the face. Well, now you can get all that in the privacy of your own home with our new Project Runway fragrance that smells like tears and Chinese food! it's called "Tootie" and it's available at bluefly.com!"
On to the show:
Last week Carmen was sent home:
Nina: "This is unacceptable."
Well, that's what I thought but you're the one who voted her off."
Nina: "No, I meant her outfit was unacceptable."
Oh, right.
So, as the winner last week, Jack chooses to switch to Ricky's model:
Nick Verreos: "OH, MY G..."
Shut it, Nick! We're sick of hearing about it!
Nick: "But that bitch stole..."
Nope, we don't want to hear it!
Nick: "But..."
GET OVER IT!
Ugh, I don't know why he has to show up every time someone takes another designer's model. The winner gets to pick a model; it's not a big deal. OK?
Ricky: "I still think Jack's a bitch."
Heidi: "This week you are going back to the design room where you will meet some old friends."
Hmmm . . . old friends . . . it's going to be something old . . . what could it be?
Oh, it's Nina Garcia!
Nina: "If you call me old one more time!"
Wow, I sense a little tension there.
OK, seriously, the "old friends" we are meeting are supposedly outdated fashions. I question whether "70s flair (or is it flare?)" or poodle skirts are really that out of style at the moment but certainly shoulder pads and cut-outs should be outlawed.
One of the outdated styles is overalls. Jillian, who is supposed to be updating these styles, is actually wearing overalls:
Jillian: "Isn't it ironic?"
Well, it's kind of funny but I'm not sure it's ironic. As usual we turn to the expert:
Alanis Morissette: "I don't know! Leave me alone!"
There you have it, folks.
Everyone's name is drawn and they pick some hideous style and then Tim tells them to play dodgeball to determine teams. Everyone tells us how they ended up with exactly the teammates they had wanted their entire lives. Awww.
The teams are:
Chris, Steven, and Sweet P.
Ricky, Victorya, and Elisa.
Christian, Kit, and Jack.
Jillian, Rami, and Kevin.
Then Tim delivers the totally crappy news that they need to pick their own leaders. This is not a democracy, Tim! They can't pick their own leaders! This can only end in disaster!
Really, it's one thing to have leaders determined by some contest (such as presenting the best sketches) because that person earned both the opportunity and the responsibility of leading the team. But when a team just randomly picks a leader, that person is going to end up bearing all the responsibility without gaining any advantage. Let's see how they play this:
Steven and Sweet P: "Chris, you should be the team leader so you can get blamed for everything."
Chris: "OK."
Ricky: "I'll be the team leader."
Victorya: "Sure, we'll call you the 'team leader.' But we all understand I'll actually be in charge, right?"
Ricky: "Of course."
Elisa: "I don't understand the concept of 'teams.' Can't we all just work together as one big universal team so we don't have to compete with each other? War is not the answer, people."
She makes a good point. OK, so it's settled: Ricky is the leader. Except that it's really Victorya.
Now for a special segment that I hope will be a regular feature of the program. I like to call it "Ricky Lizalde: Weirdo Whisperer."
I'll set the scene: non-team leader Victorya is telling Elisa what to do:
Victorya: "So, I want you to lower the waist and move this seam over here. Got it?"
Elisa: "I don't understand this technical sewing terminology."
Ricky: "What Victorya is trying to explain is that you need to follow your bliss to the land of magical ponies."
Elisa: "Oh. Well, why didn't she just say that?"
Aaaaand . . . scene.
That was fun. Now back to Victorya not understanding that she agreed Ricky would be the team leader:
Victorya: "I don't want to be a big, bossy cow."
Well, that's too bad 'cause apparently you are one.
Victorya: "I really wanted to ask Ricky why he wanted to be the team leader."
But you didn't.
Victorya: "Well, I just assumed that he would want to do everything my way. I don't understand why people don't want to do things properly. Everyone is being so difficult."
Ooh, come back from the kitchen everyone! It's time for the Saturn commercial!
Nick Verreos: "I'm here in this fabulous Saturn driving to my favorite inspiration spot: Decades 2!"
Cool! I think I read about that place in the New Yorker! The guy buys used designer clothes from celebrities!
Nick: "You think you're better than everyone because you read the New Yorker."
Ouch!
Now for the new Bravo quiz segment. There is way too much crap going on; just give us the show! Anyway, did you know that the French make all their dogs wear skirts? I think that's what it said. The French are so silly!
And by the way, Bravo, you can't make someone a supermodel. You have to be BORN a supermodel!
Back in the design room Steven is doing a pretty spot-on Santino impersonation:
Steven: "Designers, I'd like to take you all to the Red Lobster."
Kevin is pulling a magic rabbit out of his ass. I wonder how that got there.
Christian loves his look. Quelle surprise.
Ugh! One more stupid survey before we get to the runway: What outdated fashion trend do you still wear? Well, I'm sitting here wearing a unitard and fuschia leg-warmers so I can't think of a single thing.
Oh, god; now what? Oh, Tim is doing an advertisement for Parsons. Isn't this whole damn show an advertisement for Parsons?
Finally: the runway! The guest judge is Donna Karan.
Jillian's team (with Rami and Kevin) had to update a poodle skirt, overalls and "70s flair (or flare)." They did a really good job. They gave "70s flair (or flare)" to the overalls, which worked nicely. They updated the poodle skirt by giving it a higher waist. The collection was very cohesive. They win. Congratulations!
Christian's team (with Kit and Jack) had Zoot suit, pleather, and fringe. The only thing I see of the inspiration is the pinstripe fabric. Apparently the pleather is in the accessories, which is a real cop-out and I don't really see the fringe. The look with the pencil skirt and the vest is really nice; I think Kit made that one. But one nice outfit and hardly any of the inspiration? I thought this collection was a failure. But it wasn't the worst so they're safe.
Chris's team (with Steven and Sweet P) had shoulder pads, dancewear, and baggy sweater. It was pretty godawful. I didn't really understand Steven's outfit; it looked like a shiny karate uniform. Chris's was so bad. It's easy to say, "well, what could you possibly do with shoulder pads?" But the truth is he could have done something with big shoulders that didn't look like this. In fact, in the first episode of the season Christian made a jacket with huge shoulders that wasn't to everyone's taste but it looked kind of fresh. But Chris's looked as dated as the look he was supposed to be updating. The problem isn't that it looked "costumey," which wouldn't necessarily be a problem for a runway show; the problem is that it looked like a costume from a bad production of "The Women."
Sweet P, on the other hand, made the best outfit of the night! She updated the baggy belted sweater look to an adorable little dress. You could absolutely see the inspiration but it looked completely fresh. And the fact the Donna Karan liked it will not dissuade me from saying it was my favorite look! In fact, I'm going to say it's my favorite look so far this season! Too bad she was on that team because I think she could have won the challenge this week.
Ricky's team (with Elisa and the real team leader Victorya) had neon, cut-outs, and "underwear as outerwear." Oh, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky. What the hell was up with that collection? They should have really done "outerwear" and made winter coats out of bras and panties. I guess I get the basic idea: neon satin was supposed to cover the neon inspiration and the underwear inspiration. The problem is they looked like neon nighties and they were hideous.
Except for Elisa's. She sent her model down the runway naked to represent one giant cut-out that has gotten out of control and swallowed the whole garment:
Elisa: "If I didn't know that I did that I wouldn't have known that I did that."
You didn't do that; I just made it up. No, unfortunately she made a little black satin garbage bag decorated with brightly colored Pillsbury sugar cookies. For some reason the judges liked it.
So it comes down to Ricky and Chris. Once again, Ricky gets a reprieve. Sorry Chris; we'll miss you!
America, start praying for Steven . . . now. I don't know why we should do that; I'm just the messenger.
Steven: "You have no idea how hard it is to constantly come up with new ways to say, 'ooh, another scary challenge; whatever shall we do?'"
I understand.
Before we start the program there is an advertisement for a new Project Runway product:
Heidi: "Do you ever find yourself wishing you smelled like one of the designers after running around Mood and lower Manhattan on a hot summer day and then working in a stuffy, crowded design room for 16 straight hours? Do you ever think, 'I wish I could get that feeling of having Nina Garcia tell me I'm a disappointment or Micheal Kors tell me I look like Bea Arthur'? Maybe you've just wanted to have me say 'auf wiedersehen' when you're so exhausted you just want to punch me in the face. Well, now you can get all that in the privacy of your own home with our new Project Runway fragrance that smells like tears and Chinese food! it's called "Tootie" and it's available at bluefly.com!"
On to the show:
Last week Carmen was sent home:
Nina: "This is unacceptable."
Well, that's what I thought but you're the one who voted her off."
Nina: "No, I meant her outfit was unacceptable."
Oh, right.
So, as the winner last week, Jack chooses to switch to Ricky's model:
Nick Verreos: "OH, MY G..."
Shut it, Nick! We're sick of hearing about it!
Nick: "But that bitch stole..."
Nope, we don't want to hear it!
Nick: "But..."
GET OVER IT!
Ugh, I don't know why he has to show up every time someone takes another designer's model. The winner gets to pick a model; it's not a big deal. OK?
Ricky: "I still think Jack's a bitch."
Heidi: "This week you are going back to the design room where you will meet some old friends."
Hmmm . . . old friends . . . it's going to be something old . . . what could it be?
Oh, it's Nina Garcia!
Nina: "If you call me old one more time!"
Wow, I sense a little tension there.
OK, seriously, the "old friends" we are meeting are supposedly outdated fashions. I question whether "70s flair (or is it flare?)" or poodle skirts are really that out of style at the moment but certainly shoulder pads and cut-outs should be outlawed.
One of the outdated styles is overalls. Jillian, who is supposed to be updating these styles, is actually wearing overalls:
Jillian: "Isn't it ironic?"
Well, it's kind of funny but I'm not sure it's ironic. As usual we turn to the expert:
Alanis Morissette: "I don't know! Leave me alone!"
There you have it, folks.
Everyone's name is drawn and they pick some hideous style and then Tim tells them to play dodgeball to determine teams. Everyone tells us how they ended up with exactly the teammates they had wanted their entire lives. Awww.
The teams are:
Chris, Steven, and Sweet P.
Ricky, Victorya, and Elisa.
Christian, Kit, and Jack.
Jillian, Rami, and Kevin.
Then Tim delivers the totally crappy news that they need to pick their own leaders. This is not a democracy, Tim! They can't pick their own leaders! This can only end in disaster!
Really, it's one thing to have leaders determined by some contest (such as presenting the best sketches) because that person earned both the opportunity and the responsibility of leading the team. But when a team just randomly picks a leader, that person is going to end up bearing all the responsibility without gaining any advantage. Let's see how they play this:
Steven and Sweet P: "Chris, you should be the team leader so you can get blamed for everything."
Chris: "OK."
Ricky: "I'll be the team leader."
Victorya: "Sure, we'll call you the 'team leader.' But we all understand I'll actually be in charge, right?"
Ricky: "Of course."
Elisa: "I don't understand the concept of 'teams.' Can't we all just work together as one big universal team so we don't have to compete with each other? War is not the answer, people."
She makes a good point. OK, so it's settled: Ricky is the leader. Except that it's really Victorya.
Now for a special segment that I hope will be a regular feature of the program. I like to call it "Ricky Lizalde: Weirdo Whisperer."
I'll set the scene: non-team leader Victorya is telling Elisa what to do:
Victorya: "So, I want you to lower the waist and move this seam over here. Got it?"
Elisa: "I don't understand this technical sewing terminology."
Ricky: "What Victorya is trying to explain is that you need to follow your bliss to the land of magical ponies."
Elisa: "Oh. Well, why didn't she just say that?"
Aaaaand . . . scene.
That was fun. Now back to Victorya not understanding that she agreed Ricky would be the team leader:
Victorya: "I don't want to be a big, bossy cow."
Well, that's too bad 'cause apparently you are one.
Victorya: "I really wanted to ask Ricky why he wanted to be the team leader."
But you didn't.
Victorya: "Well, I just assumed that he would want to do everything my way. I don't understand why people don't want to do things properly. Everyone is being so difficult."
Ooh, come back from the kitchen everyone! It's time for the Saturn commercial!
Nick Verreos: "I'm here in this fabulous Saturn driving to my favorite inspiration spot: Decades 2!"
Cool! I think I read about that place in the New Yorker! The guy buys used designer clothes from celebrities!
Nick: "You think you're better than everyone because you read the New Yorker."
Ouch!
Now for the new Bravo quiz segment. There is way too much crap going on; just give us the show! Anyway, did you know that the French make all their dogs wear skirts? I think that's what it said. The French are so silly!
And by the way, Bravo, you can't make someone a supermodel. You have to be BORN a supermodel!
Back in the design room Steven is doing a pretty spot-on Santino impersonation:
Steven: "Designers, I'd like to take you all to the Red Lobster."
Kevin is pulling a magic rabbit out of his ass. I wonder how that got there.
Christian loves his look. Quelle surprise.
Ugh! One more stupid survey before we get to the runway: What outdated fashion trend do you still wear? Well, I'm sitting here wearing a unitard and fuschia leg-warmers so I can't think of a single thing.
Oh, god; now what? Oh, Tim is doing an advertisement for Parsons. Isn't this whole damn show an advertisement for Parsons?
Finally: the runway! The guest judge is Donna Karan.
Jillian's team (with Rami and Kevin) had to update a poodle skirt, overalls and "70s flair (or flare)." They did a really good job. They gave "70s flair (or flare)" to the overalls, which worked nicely. They updated the poodle skirt by giving it a higher waist. The collection was very cohesive. They win. Congratulations!
Christian's team (with Kit and Jack) had Zoot suit, pleather, and fringe. The only thing I see of the inspiration is the pinstripe fabric. Apparently the pleather is in the accessories, which is a real cop-out and I don't really see the fringe. The look with the pencil skirt and the vest is really nice; I think Kit made that one. But one nice outfit and hardly any of the inspiration? I thought this collection was a failure. But it wasn't the worst so they're safe.
Chris's team (with Steven and Sweet P) had shoulder pads, dancewear, and baggy sweater. It was pretty godawful. I didn't really understand Steven's outfit; it looked like a shiny karate uniform. Chris's was so bad. It's easy to say, "well, what could you possibly do with shoulder pads?" But the truth is he could have done something with big shoulders that didn't look like this. In fact, in the first episode of the season Christian made a jacket with huge shoulders that wasn't to everyone's taste but it looked kind of fresh. But Chris's looked as dated as the look he was supposed to be updating. The problem isn't that it looked "costumey," which wouldn't necessarily be a problem for a runway show; the problem is that it looked like a costume from a bad production of "The Women."
Sweet P, on the other hand, made the best outfit of the night! She updated the baggy belted sweater look to an adorable little dress. You could absolutely see the inspiration but it looked completely fresh. And the fact the Donna Karan liked it will not dissuade me from saying it was my favorite look! In fact, I'm going to say it's my favorite look so far this season! Too bad she was on that team because I think she could have won the challenge this week.
Ricky's team (with Elisa and the real team leader Victorya) had neon, cut-outs, and "underwear as outerwear." Oh, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky. What the hell was up with that collection? They should have really done "outerwear" and made winter coats out of bras and panties. I guess I get the basic idea: neon satin was supposed to cover the neon inspiration and the underwear inspiration. The problem is they looked like neon nighties and they were hideous.
Except for Elisa's. She sent her model down the runway naked to represent one giant cut-out that has gotten out of control and swallowed the whole garment:
Elisa: "If I didn't know that I did that I wouldn't have known that I did that."
You didn't do that; I just made it up. No, unfortunately she made a little black satin garbage bag decorated with brightly colored Pillsbury sugar cookies. For some reason the judges liked it.
So it comes down to Ricky and Chris. Once again, Ricky gets a reprieve. Sorry Chris; we'll miss you!
Congratulations, Tiffani!
Sorry, no recap but I just wanted to congratulate Tiffany for winning the Top Chef Holiday Special! She wins $20,000, which apparently is enough to start a restaurant! OK, so maybe it's enough to buy napkins for a restaurant. Seriously, $20,000? What's she supposed to do with that?
Anyway, I'm very happy for her because I really think she got a raw deal in season one. I'm not saying she should have won over Harold, I'm just saying it sucked that everyone hated on her so bad and that she was stuck with Stephen and Dave as her helpers for the finale, showing up hungover AND drunk (I didn't even know that was possible) and being completely unprofessional.
It's a little bit of redemption.
Sorry, no recap but I just wanted to congratulate Tiffany for winning the Top Chef Holiday Special! She wins $20,000, which apparently is enough to start a restaurant! OK, so maybe it's enough to buy napkins for a restaurant. Seriously, $20,000? What's she supposed to do with that?
Anyway, I'm very happy for her because I really think she got a raw deal in season one. I'm not saying she should have won over Harold, I'm just saying it sucked that everyone hated on her so bad and that she was stuck with Stephen and Dave as her helpers for the finale, showing up hungover AND drunk (I didn't even know that was possible) and being completely unprofessional.
It's a little bit of redemption.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Project Runway, Season Four, Episode 3: Why?
Heidi: "This is a Project Runway first!"
You mean an episode nobody will be interested in?
Heidi: "Well, yes; there is that. But I was talking about menswear!"
We've had menswear before.
Heidi: "Not a challenge with ALL the designers doing menswear!"
That's true. Menswear should be interesting. What are you going to do to screw it up?
Heidi: "The challenge will be to design for a sports star!"
Ooh! Like an ice skater?
Kevin: "That's not a sport, dummy! Football is a sport!"
Football? Congratulations, Bravo! You really know your audience. Nothing goes better together than fashion and football. This sounds like the worst episode ever. I don't even want to watch it.
Heidi: "There will be hot male models in their underwear!"
oh, alright.
Other Eric wants to make sure everyone knows he figured out it would be menswear. He also predicted that Heidi would be dressed as Lieutenant Uhura. I think he's psychic.
So the designers go on a field trip with Tim:
Nick Verreos: "Ooh, I hope we are going to some fabulous Park Avenue penthouse!"
Will you shut up about the fabulous Park Avenue penthouse already?
Tim introduces the designers to Tiki Barber.
uh ... yeah ... that was my reaction too.
Kevin: "Well, I'm straight so I'll explain who he is. He was a famous football player and now he's a correspondent on the Today Show."
OK, not only do I know nothing about football but I don't think I've ever watched the Today Show, either. I'll have to take Kevin's word for it that he's famous.
So what exactly is the challenge?
Tiki: "See what I'm wearing now? Great! This is basically the only thing I wear. So try to make this exact outfit but different."
What?
Tim: "There will be no creativity in this challenge. Just try to make something that resembles normal men's clothing that you would find in the store and doesn't look glued together. This is the week where you should just try to skate by and make it to the next challenge."
Tim: "Oh, yeah, this is classic 'make it work' time."
Classic?
Tim: "Yeah, it isn't antique 'make it work' time but it also isn't modern 'make it work' time. I thought about vintage or traditional but I finally decided on classic."
Well, you can't go wrong with classic.
OK, so none of the designers make menswear. What will they do?
Jack: "I immediately took off my pants."
That's your solution to everything.
Jack: "Hey, whatever works."
So Jack is going to use the pants to make a pattern:
Jack: "Tim, would it be alright if I use my pants to make a pattern and share it with two other designers so we have a huge advantage over the others?"
Tim: "Of course!"
I don't know how I feel about that. I know it isn't against the rules to use anything in the room to make patterns as long as they don't bring in pattern pieces or pattern books. And they are allowed to help or not help other designers but this still seems unfair.
Whatever. I'm kind of over this episode:
Tim: "I'd like to bring in the totally hot, young, nearly-naked male models now!"
OK, you have my attention.
Kevin: "I guess the guys were good looking, though I wouldn't notice that kind of thing. The women were going crazy about them. And, don't say anything, but I think some of the male designers were checking them out, too. Do you think they might be gay?"
So Kevin is working very hard to make sure we don't think he is interested in his model:
Kevin: "So my model was there in his underwear but I was all business. I took his measurements and fit the clothes on him and I wasn't even staring at his butt at all. No, I barely even noticed him standing there. Why would I? I'm straight."
We get it. Some of the other designers were a little more flustered:
Chris: "Uh ... ha ha ... um ... hi ... do you work out? Wait, I'm supposed to be doing something ... oh, yeah, I need to make some clothes."
But Ricky is really freaking out:
Ricky's model: "The waist feels like it fits right."
Ricky: "OK, I'd really love to chat but I just don't have time."
Ricky's model: "Sure. Whatever."
Tim: "Ricky, you were just rude to a hot guy for absolutely no reason. I'm really worried about you. Have you been getting enough fiber?"
Tim has an announcement:
Designers: "Aw, crap."
Tim: "I never get tired of that reception. Now that it's too late do make any changes to your designs, I have a special guest here who will tell you everything that is wrong with what you are making."
Christian: "OH, MY, GOD! It's a totally anonymous Asian lady! I am so excited by this, for some reason! Asian ladies are fierce!"
Asian lady: "Yeah, I get that a lot."
So, the Asian lady is Mrs. Barber and she's there to check on the progress of the clothes being made for her husband.
She and Tim tell Carmen that her Members Only jacket is crap and she needs to start from scratch:
Karen Walker: "[Gasp] is that a new Members Only jacket?!"
Rosario: "What can I say. A lady likes to have nice things."
Oh, sorry. I don't know how that scene got in here. Anyway, Carmen is a little flabbergasted:
Tom Collicchio: "What's the problem? It's not like cooking; making clothes is easy. Just make a whole new jacket in an hour with no fabric."
Tom, you're an idiot.
I really wish Tim had mentioned that it was a terrible design BEFORE she made it.
Carmen: "No; it's my fault. I should have bought enough material so I could keep making jackets until Tim was satisfied."
Now for the regularly scheduled portion of the program where Elisa does something bizarre:
Elisa: "What? I'm not prepared for this? Oh, wait; I've got it! ... I'm just too shy to have my model undress because I've never seen a naked man before. So I'm just going to put the clothes over the clothes he is already wearing! Ta-da! How was that?"
Perfect! I think you have fulfilled your obligation of being a total weirdo for this episode.
Elisa: "Thanks! I really just pulled that one out of my ass!"
Now for a very special Saturn commercial:
Kara Saun: "I love driving my Saturn to the beach. I'm always inspired by the color of the water."
Isn't it usually blue?
Kara Saun: "Well, yeah."
That was fascinating. Back to the turmoil in the design room. Steven tries to find an appropriate metaphor:
Steven: "It's like the Titanic?"
How?
Steven: "Well, everybody is running around like crazy and I think I hear Celine Dion singing."
Fair enough.
Steven: "What was it that they had on the Titanic right before it sank?"
I don't know; terrible acting and ridiculous dialogue?
Steven: "No; plenty of ice for mixed drinks! Who wants a cosmo?"
On to the runway:
Heidi: "All the outfits that are finished, no matter how stupid they look, are safe."
In my opinion, Christian, Chris, and Elisa should have been called out for making really dumb-looking outfits that Tiki would never wear on the air. Chris's looked like a StarTrek uniform and Elisa's model looked like a bounty hunter; it was completely inappropriate for the Today Show. Christian's was just silly.
I also thought Rami should have been out there as one of the best. The jacket was casual but it wasn't a Members Only jacket and it looked good. Steven's also wasn't bad, though the rise on his trousers was ridiculous.
So Kit, Jack, and Kevin were the top three. They were pretty good. They looked pretty well-made and were not too boring:
Jack: "I think mine looks like you could have just bought it in a store."
Why do we need a designer to make something you could already just buy in a store? Yeah, that was the problem with this episode.
The judges think Kevin's has a look:
Michael: "I think Kevin's has a look."
Nina: "Oh, yeah, I was just going to say that. It has a look."
Heidi: "I agree; it totally has a look."
What the hell are you talking about?
So Jack wins. He only made two pieces but they looked good. I just don't feel like there was any designing there. It was just a technical exercise; trying to make something that looked like store-bought clothes. Whatever. Congratulations, Jack!
Sweet P, Carmen, and Ricky were the bottom three. At first I wasn't sure that Sweet P was in the bottom because all they did was say nice things about what she made:
Michael: "I love the tie. I wish he were wearing that and nothing else."
Yeah, me too.
Carmen didn't have time to make a shirt so she just put the shirting fabric under the jacket like a shawl. The color was nice. The outfit didn't look well-made but I didn't think it was that bad. It was more interesting than Ricky's and it had more going on that Sweet P's:
Michael: "The crotch on that pant is insane!"
Nina: "And Michael has seen his share of crotches so I think he knows what he's talking about."
Michael: "Thank you, Nina."
Ricky's is a mess. He tried to make a totally boring business suit and failed. So it was neither well-made nor interesting. Obviously he's going to be the one to go home, right?
Nope; it's Carmen. That was totally the wrong decision.
Tune in next week when a tornado hits Wisteria Lane! Exciting!
Heidi: "This is a Project Runway first!"
You mean an episode nobody will be interested in?
Heidi: "Well, yes; there is that. But I was talking about menswear!"
We've had menswear before.
Heidi: "Not a challenge with ALL the designers doing menswear!"
That's true. Menswear should be interesting. What are you going to do to screw it up?
Heidi: "The challenge will be to design for a sports star!"
Ooh! Like an ice skater?
Kevin: "That's not a sport, dummy! Football is a sport!"
Football? Congratulations, Bravo! You really know your audience. Nothing goes better together than fashion and football. This sounds like the worst episode ever. I don't even want to watch it.
Heidi: "There will be hot male models in their underwear!"
oh, alright.
Other Eric wants to make sure everyone knows he figured out it would be menswear. He also predicted that Heidi would be dressed as Lieutenant Uhura. I think he's psychic.
So the designers go on a field trip with Tim:
Nick Verreos: "Ooh, I hope we are going to some fabulous Park Avenue penthouse!"
Will you shut up about the fabulous Park Avenue penthouse already?
Tim introduces the designers to Tiki Barber.
uh ... yeah ... that was my reaction too.
Kevin: "Well, I'm straight so I'll explain who he is. He was a famous football player and now he's a correspondent on the Today Show."
OK, not only do I know nothing about football but I don't think I've ever watched the Today Show, either. I'll have to take Kevin's word for it that he's famous.
So what exactly is the challenge?
Tiki: "See what I'm wearing now? Great! This is basically the only thing I wear. So try to make this exact outfit but different."
What?
Tim: "There will be no creativity in this challenge. Just try to make something that resembles normal men's clothing that you would find in the store and doesn't look glued together. This is the week where you should just try to skate by and make it to the next challenge."
Tim: "Oh, yeah, this is classic 'make it work' time."
Classic?
Tim: "Yeah, it isn't antique 'make it work' time but it also isn't modern 'make it work' time. I thought about vintage or traditional but I finally decided on classic."
Well, you can't go wrong with classic.
OK, so none of the designers make menswear. What will they do?
Jack: "I immediately took off my pants."
That's your solution to everything.
Jack: "Hey, whatever works."
So Jack is going to use the pants to make a pattern:
Jack: "Tim, would it be alright if I use my pants to make a pattern and share it with two other designers so we have a huge advantage over the others?"
Tim: "Of course!"
I don't know how I feel about that. I know it isn't against the rules to use anything in the room to make patterns as long as they don't bring in pattern pieces or pattern books. And they are allowed to help or not help other designers but this still seems unfair.
Whatever. I'm kind of over this episode:
Tim: "I'd like to bring in the totally hot, young, nearly-naked male models now!"
OK, you have my attention.
Kevin: "I guess the guys were good looking, though I wouldn't notice that kind of thing. The women were going crazy about them. And, don't say anything, but I think some of the male designers were checking them out, too. Do you think they might be gay?"
So Kevin is working very hard to make sure we don't think he is interested in his model:
Kevin: "So my model was there in his underwear but I was all business. I took his measurements and fit the clothes on him and I wasn't even staring at his butt at all. No, I barely even noticed him standing there. Why would I? I'm straight."
We get it. Some of the other designers were a little more flustered:
Chris: "Uh ... ha ha ... um ... hi ... do you work out? Wait, I'm supposed to be doing something ... oh, yeah, I need to make some clothes."
But Ricky is really freaking out:
Ricky's model: "The waist feels like it fits right."
Ricky: "OK, I'd really love to chat but I just don't have time."
Ricky's model: "Sure. Whatever."
Tim: "Ricky, you were just rude to a hot guy for absolutely no reason. I'm really worried about you. Have you been getting enough fiber?"
Tim has an announcement:
Designers: "Aw, crap."
Tim: "I never get tired of that reception. Now that it's too late do make any changes to your designs, I have a special guest here who will tell you everything that is wrong with what you are making."
Christian: "OH, MY, GOD! It's a totally anonymous Asian lady! I am so excited by this, for some reason! Asian ladies are fierce!"
Asian lady: "Yeah, I get that a lot."
So, the Asian lady is Mrs. Barber and she's there to check on the progress of the clothes being made for her husband.
She and Tim tell Carmen that her Members Only jacket is crap and she needs to start from scratch:
Karen Walker: "[Gasp] is that a new Members Only jacket?!"
Rosario: "What can I say. A lady likes to have nice things."
Oh, sorry. I don't know how that scene got in here. Anyway, Carmen is a little flabbergasted:
Tom Collicchio: "What's the problem? It's not like cooking; making clothes is easy. Just make a whole new jacket in an hour with no fabric."
Tom, you're an idiot.
I really wish Tim had mentioned that it was a terrible design BEFORE she made it.
Carmen: "No; it's my fault. I should have bought enough material so I could keep making jackets until Tim was satisfied."
Now for the regularly scheduled portion of the program where Elisa does something bizarre:
Elisa: "What? I'm not prepared for this? Oh, wait; I've got it! ... I'm just too shy to have my model undress because I've never seen a naked man before. So I'm just going to put the clothes over the clothes he is already wearing! Ta-da! How was that?"
Perfect! I think you have fulfilled your obligation of being a total weirdo for this episode.
Elisa: "Thanks! I really just pulled that one out of my ass!"
Now for a very special Saturn commercial:
Kara Saun: "I love driving my Saturn to the beach. I'm always inspired by the color of the water."
Isn't it usually blue?
Kara Saun: "Well, yeah."
That was fascinating. Back to the turmoil in the design room. Steven tries to find an appropriate metaphor:
Steven: "It's like the Titanic?"
How?
Steven: "Well, everybody is running around like crazy and I think I hear Celine Dion singing."
Fair enough.
Steven: "What was it that they had on the Titanic right before it sank?"
I don't know; terrible acting and ridiculous dialogue?
Steven: "No; plenty of ice for mixed drinks! Who wants a cosmo?"
On to the runway:
Heidi: "All the outfits that are finished, no matter how stupid they look, are safe."
In my opinion, Christian, Chris, and Elisa should have been called out for making really dumb-looking outfits that Tiki would never wear on the air. Chris's looked like a StarTrek uniform and Elisa's model looked like a bounty hunter; it was completely inappropriate for the Today Show. Christian's was just silly.
I also thought Rami should have been out there as one of the best. The jacket was casual but it wasn't a Members Only jacket and it looked good. Steven's also wasn't bad, though the rise on his trousers was ridiculous.
So Kit, Jack, and Kevin were the top three. They were pretty good. They looked pretty well-made and were not too boring:
Jack: "I think mine looks like you could have just bought it in a store."
Why do we need a designer to make something you could already just buy in a store? Yeah, that was the problem with this episode.
The judges think Kevin's has a look:
Michael: "I think Kevin's has a look."
Nina: "Oh, yeah, I was just going to say that. It has a look."
Heidi: "I agree; it totally has a look."
What the hell are you talking about?
So Jack wins. He only made two pieces but they looked good. I just don't feel like there was any designing there. It was just a technical exercise; trying to make something that looked like store-bought clothes. Whatever. Congratulations, Jack!
Sweet P, Carmen, and Ricky were the bottom three. At first I wasn't sure that Sweet P was in the bottom because all they did was say nice things about what she made:
Michael: "I love the tie. I wish he were wearing that and nothing else."
Yeah, me too.
Carmen didn't have time to make a shirt so she just put the shirting fabric under the jacket like a shawl. The color was nice. The outfit didn't look well-made but I didn't think it was that bad. It was more interesting than Ricky's and it had more going on that Sweet P's:
Michael: "The crotch on that pant is insane!"
Nina: "And Michael has seen his share of crotches so I think he knows what he's talking about."
Michael: "Thank you, Nina."
Ricky's is a mess. He tried to make a totally boring business suit and failed. So it was neither well-made nor interesting. Obviously he's going to be the one to go home, right?
Nope; it's Carmen. That was totally the wrong decision.
Tune in next week when a tornado hits Wisteria Lane! Exciting!
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