Who Wants To Be a Fashion Show!

Yes, the network that brought us the hit show "So You Think You Can Supermodel" brings us the next big PR rip-off "Fashion: The Show" and I can't wait to watch!

I don't know much about it but, just from the title, I suspect it will have something to do with fashion. We'll see!

The good people at Blogging Project Runway will be covering the show on their new site Blogging Bravo.

It looks like Tom&Lorenzo will also be covering the show on Project Rungay.

And I think I will be recapping it so tune in this weekend!

Pushing Daisies, RIP!

Hi! I'm Eric and I'm a PC. For now ...

Just a little update on what's been going on with the Erics.

1) Other Eric just got a new Mac so I'll be getting his old Mac and I'll finally be cool and beautiful and popular and smart.

2) Since Santa Clause hasn't responded to my repeated requests, I broke down and used part of my tax refund to buy the outrageously expensive Rosetta Stone program for French. I've taken French since third grade and I'm still pathetic. I can read a little but, as an art historian, I really need to be fluent in at least one foreign language. So I'm giving Rosetta Stone a try. My problem is I hate taking language classes because I'm so shy and insecure I can't relax enough around other people to actually learn anything. And language tapes are so boring I stop listening after a while (also, simple translating is a terrible way to learn a language). Rosetta Stone is like being in an immersion class but without the stress of the other people.

I'm still on level one, which is pretty easy, so I can't tell yet if the program will work. But I can report that it is fun to do, which means I'm actually doing it. That's a major improvement over classes and language tapes. I'm not entirely convinced that the voice-recognition software actually works (and I had to log in as an pre-adolescent boy in order for it to recognise my voice), but, other than that, I really like the program. I'll keep you updated on my progress. Or, as we say in French, "voulez vous couchez avec moi c'est soir?"

3) Eric and I got to see the final three episodes of the excellent show Pushing Daisies yesterday. The show's cancellation was a crime against humanity but it's done and I'll try to stop complaining. The program was part of the Paley Festival and it was held at the historic Cinerama Dome in Hollywood. The creator and some of the cast were there and they gave out "Jews for Cheeses" shirts and there was a raffle with memorabilia from the show:

Ellen Greene: "This arm sling actually touched Kristin Chenoweth's boob!"

Man, I was so close to winning that one!

The episodes will air next month and, in case you've forgotten, you will be reminded what a travesty it is that this wonderful show is gone. They do not disappoint. The beautiful sets and costumes, the hilarious dialogue, Kristin singing, it's all in there! And they were able to put together an ending to tie up most of the plots.

It was really fun to watch the shows with an audience. The show doesn't have a laugh track so it's such an interesting experience to watch it with hundreds of enthusiastic people. It was better than most movies we go to see.

Anyway, don't miss the final three episodes next month. If you didn't watch the series, first of all, shame on you; you're the reason it's off the air! I forgive you; just don't let it happen again (for instance, with Mad Men). Secondly, buy the DVDs.

E3K Classics!

I'm still on blogging break so I'm reposting another gem from the archives. This one is from July 29th 2007. Enjoy!

Extreme Eric Three Thousand: Home Edition!


Has this ever happened to you? You go into your bathroom to take a shower but it turns out you only have a bathtub? Well, don't worry; Eric Three Thousand is here to help! Why pay a plumber when you can do a thoroughly unprofessional job yourself?

Here's what you'll need:
2 shower rods
3 shower curtains (divided)
1 tube of caulk
plumber's tape
1 8 oz. can of SPAM
1 plumbing ring
1 screw driver
1 pair goggles
Glad Press 'n Seal
1/2 cup putty
1 plastic thingy to apply the putty
1 sheet E-Z Patch
2 dozen shower rings
1 shower head and wall fixture


Try to get someone to help you. Oh, forget it; you can do it yourself!
[Just kidding! A big thanks to Other Eric for his amazing photographic work during this shoot!]

First step: smash a big hole in the wall.

[Hint: you may want to skip this step.]

Step 2: Use a screw driver for leverage to unscrew the bath faucet.

Step 3: Patch up any resulting hole with E-Z Patch and putty and let it dry.

Step 4: "Borrow" paint from another unit in your building that is currently being renovated and paint over the putty. This will help keep the putty from melting.


Step 5: Apply the caulk to the ring. Try not to giggle while you are doing this step.

Step 6: After the paint has dried, apply a sheet of Glad Press 'n Seal over the patch.

[This portion of the program has been brought to you by Glad Press 'n Seal]

No, seriously, this will add one more layer of moisture protection.

Step 7: Hang the curtains. They will cover all four sides. Cut one of the curtains into two pieces to stretch between the shower rods on the short ends, cutting holes in one to fit over the faucet knobs.

Step 7: Apply plumber's tape and then attach the shower head and the fixture to hold the shower head on the wall.

Step 8: Take a shower; you're filthy!

Finally: Do not allow your landlord to see what you have done to the bathroom!

Enjoy!

Best of Eric Three Thousand!

Sorry, I'm taking a little time off, since there is nothing to blog at the moment. So I'm going to try reposting a few gems from the archive. This one is from March 4, 2007, when we lived in our last apartment. Enjoy!

Decorating Schmecorating: or What we did on our Top Design vacation!

So, we have a week off from Top Design. Most people's reaction seems to be "Oh, thank goodness; we needed a break!" It's not a good sign for a show when people are glad it's off for a week.

During our time off Eric and I decided to redecorate one room in our apartment for each of the Top Design challenges so far. OK, we didn't really do that. But it's a good idea; someone should do it!

Instead we thought we would share our decorating secrets with you:



Step one: have a drink!

[For the photo shoot Eric Three Thousand is wearing vintage Wrangler in %100 Polyester]

Next, put on some music!

[The painting is by an extremely unknown artist named Helen Parks. If you've heard of her let me know]

Wash your hands repeatedly (OCD sufferers only)!

[The bathrooms have the only original lighting fixtures in the apartment. They're groovy!]

Then read a style magazine such as Architectural Digest or Hello magazine!

Repeat step one (see above)!

Relax in the garden!

[I planted those snapdragons last spring and they just won't die!]

Get inspiration from Kylie Minogue (mainly applies to Other Eric)!

[I had to put up the vintage lighting fixture to replace the horrible new one that was put up before we moved in. We also had to reapply the acoustic cottage-cheese ceiling. Just kidding!]

Move the entire contents of your studio apartment into one bedroom of your new place!

[The book shelves were super cheap at Office Depot but they fit the wall perfectly for a built-in look. p.s. I know that painting is too small for the wall but, living in Los Angeles, I can't stand having something big and heavy hanging over a bed]


Don't forget to ask Tim Gunn for advice!

Tim Gunn: "Barbie, you're looking a little Joan Collins there."

Barbie: "Would you rather I look like that My Scene tramp standing behind you?"

Finally, fix yourself a little snack!

[Eric Three Thousand mostly lives on beer and Tic Tacs but will make an exception for SPAM musubi]

And that's how you can get a beautiful apartment like ours!

[We found the painting over the couch at a thrift store for $25! What do you mean you think we got ripped off?]

Eric will put up some other nice pictures of our apartment on his blog, Everything Eric in a couple of days. Hope you had a nice week off. Now it's back to the torture of watching Top Design!

Top Chef New York Reunion Special: It's time to move on with our lives!

I know Top Chef tries really hard not to be a carbon copy of Project Runway but there is something nice about having the reunion show prior to the finale. Obviously, you can't reminisce about the finale in that case because it hasn't happened yet but there is a whole season to talk about and several months have passed since the taping of the regular season has ended. Most importantly, people still give a shit.

But Top Chef just has to be different and give us the reunion after all the excitement of the season has already disappeared. I've moved on with my life, Bravo! It's taking all my energy to care about a group of people who will never in a million years be made into supermodels!

Obviously I'm going to watch the show. But I'm going to be bitter the entire time. Here we go:

Andy Cohen: "Hi! I'm Andy Cohen!"

Oh, god help us.

Andy: "Tonight we'll find out who's not in a relationship, who got drunk, and we'll have an exclusive interview with that woman who had the octuplets!"

Please don't.

Andy: "Say hello to the judges and congratulate Hosea!"

Hi, judges. Congratulations, Hosea.

We start with the obligatory Bravo bromance. This season it was between Fabio and Stefan:

Viewer from Pasadena: "So are you guys gay or just European? We are so confused."

Stefan gets a special shirt that reads "I'm not gay but my Bravo t-shirt is"

We learn about the birthday curse.

We have the obligatory Bravo clips of someone talking too much. This season it was Jeff. I have to admit I loved it when Padma sighed with exhaustion while looking at one of Jeff's dishes.

We learn that Tom saved a woman's life:

Woman: "My life had no meaning until I ate at Craft and I discovered how good food could taste. He truly saved my life!"

Tom: "Oh, stop. You're embarrassing me."

Richard: "That is so hot."

We have a question for Gail:

Viewer: "Are those real?"

That was so inappropriate. Instead of answering that question, Gail will talk about Toby:

Gail: "He really isn't as big a bitch as everyone thinks."

I'm sure she's right. He actually didn't come across that badly. In the first few episodes he was in I got sick of his canned quips. But then he settled into just being mildly annoying and I started to enjoy the fact that he always disagreed with Tom. As you could tell from reading my recaps, I was always waiting for Tom to lose his temper throw a punch. But Tom is just a big teddy bear:

Richard: "That's so hot."

Yeah, we know.

Tom gives the chefs advise about criticism:

Tom: "Having your restaurant reviewed by a food critic is much harder than being judged on Top Chef."

Toby: "How would you know? You've never been a contestant on Top Chef."

Tom: "Shut up, Toby!"

Time for another question from a viewer:

Lupe: "Ariane made simple food. Is making simple food the way to win Top Chef?"

Tom: "Ariane didn't win, Lupe, you dumbass."

And then we get to the relationship between Hosea and Leah, popularly known as Hoseleah. We start with clips of them discussing their doomed relationships back at home:

Hosea: "I don't want my girlfriend to leave me."

Too bad.

Leah: "I don't want my boyfriend to leave me just because I kissed a guy one time."

ONE guy? ONE time?

Leah: "You're right. Who am I kidding?"

Andy: "OK, so are you guys married yet or what?"

Hoseleah: "We live in separate cities."

Andy: "So what you're saying is that if you lived in the same city you would get married."

Hoseleah: "Um . . . I don't think we said that."

Andy: "I'm going to take that as a yes. Tom is prepared to give Hosea a job in New York and we have an Elvis impersonator/minister standing by so congratulations!"

Hoseleah: "We're not getting married."

Andy: "But it's obviously what America wants. Don't be so selfish!"

We see scenes of Glad wrap volleyball and Leah and Jamie getting drunk.

We see clips demonstrating that Stefan likes women and then some viewer wasn't paying attention and missed the nicknames this season so we see clips about that.

Then Gail tells us that Daniel Boulud catered her wedding, which is pretty cool:

Andy: "And here's the most boring picture we could find from the wedding."

Awwww.

Then we see clips of Jamie saying things like "This chicken is pecking at my shoes" to prove that she's a big complainer:

Carla: "I think it's defense mechanism. She's obviously afraid people might think she doesn't complain enough so she makes up for that by complaining a lot."

Jeff tells us he was misquoted in People magazine:

Jeff: "I didn't say Tom's food was boring. I said he was a talentless jerk. I feel really terrible that they got that wrong."

Tom: "It's OK. People who buy People magazine can't read anyway."

We see clips about all the bald heads this season. But technically, Eugene and Patrick are not bald. And I have to say the Bravo special-effects department really went above and beyond with those photos with superimposed hairdos.

Fabio wins fan favorite. Congratulations, Fabio! Fabio and Carla were definitely my favorites, although I would not have been surprised at all if Stefan had won; he was one of the most entertaining chefs this season.

And that's it. Bravo viewers get a well-deserved break! I'll have to find something else to blog about for a while, since we have no idea when Project Runway will be on. I'm not blogging the supermodels. But maybe Top Design or Shear Genius will be back someday soon. Thanks, again, for reading!

Top Chef New York Finale Part Two: The Finale!

Padma: "Welcome to the finale of Top Chef New York in New Orleans, which will be taking place in New Mexico with a little excursion to New Delhi! This show has so much newness it just couldn't be contained in one new city! This season the chefs faced relentless competition, a small troll named Toby, and, of course, the polar bears."

To demonstrate the level of excitement this season, we are shown a montage sequence featuring scenes of young chefs falling in love, sheep, and possibly young chefs falling in love with sheep, although the images go by too quickly to be sure.

Last time Fabio was out and we are left with the three finalists:

Stefan, who really messed up a couple of times but was out in front through most of the season.

Carla, who really impressed us for the past few weeks.

And Hosea, who, let's be honest, is just there by default. He was consistently not quite the worst through the entire competition.

Now it is the time in the recap for the chefs to say something stupid:

Carla: "If I can keep winning, I think I can win!"

Hosea: "The finale is a really important challenge."

Stefan: "I'm too sexy for this shirt."

Quickfire:

Padma: "For the quickfire, two chefs will be eliminated, leaving one chef to go on to the elimination challenge. Just kidding; there's no quickfire challenge."

For the final challenge the chefs have to create a three-course tasting menu.

Stefan: "Bleepity bleep bleep Fabio bleeping pleepers Jamie bleep bleep bleeping sheep."

Seriously, I have no idea what Stefan said during this entire episode because there was so much bleeping. I guess I'll have to watch the uncensored version of Top Chef After Dark on Showtime.*

*(Showtime has yet to get back to me about this programming idea.)

Padma: "You will be cooking at Commander's Palace, one of the most famous restaurants in the world that nobody has ever heard of! And you will have help making your travel arrangements: it's the Travelocity Roaming Gnome! Oh, wait, that's just Toby. Never mind."

The chefs do get help in the kitchen. They will have three seasons of runners up: Marcel, Casey, and Richard! Fun! Well, that's certainly less random than the "all-stars" that we had earlier in the season.

They draw knives to pick their sous chefs: Hosea picks Richard, Stefan picks Marcel, and Carla has her dreams shattered, er, I mean, she gets Casey.

They start cooking.

Stefan gets upset because Hosea is using all the foie gras.

Stefan gets upset because Richard is using all the caviar.

Stefan gets upset because Carla is using all the love.

The chefs are visited by a fortune teller:

Fortune Teller: "Carla, I see people judging you. Does that mean anything to you?"

Carla: "Yes! That would be the judges!"

Fortune Teller: "OK, well, I see that they really like what you do."

Carla: "That's right! I should keep making food the way I want to do it!"

Fortune Teller: "Oh, wait, I see a dark presence in your life. A woman who is supposed to be helping you is going to suggest you do things differently and this will be bad."

Carla: "How mysterious! I wonder what it could mean!"

The next day there is an announcement:

Tim Gunn: "Gather 'round, chefs! You will need to make a thirteenth dish using only some left-over chiffon and an alligator."

Stefan: "Whatever."

Tim Gunn: "I don't care for your attitude, missy."

Hosea's first dish was a trio of sashimi. His second dish was scallops and foie gras. And his third dish was venison with wild mushrooms. Richard's contribution was to dip everything in formaldehyde and carbonate the blackberries.

Stefan's first dish was halibut and salmon carpaccio. His second dish was squab with braised red cabbage and Fahrvergnügen. And his third dish was ice cream and chocolate mousse with vanilla syrup and lollipops. Marcel's contribution was the foam.

Carla's first dish was seared snapper with saffron aioli and crouton. Her second dish was new york strip steak and potato with Merlot sauce. And her third dish was a cheese tart with apple coins and marmalade. Casey's contribution was to completely fuck everything up:

Carla: ". . . so that's my menu."

Casey: "Uh huh, uh huh. That sounds great. I have an idea: let's take your ingredients and cook them in a completely different way than you were planning. Trust me, you can't go wrong with sous-vide steak. Who doesn't love meat boiled in a plastic bag?"

Carla: "Hmm. It seems like someone was trying to warn me about this. But I don't want to be rude, so OK."

Padma: "I'd like to introduce you to a bunch of famous chefs and, for some reason, Branford Marsalis!"

For the appetizer, Stefan made alligator soup, Hosea made a fish pancake, and Carla made some crab thingy. The judges liked all three.

The judges loved Carla's first dish but her other two dishes were disasters, thanks to Casey, otherwise known as the "Black Hammer."

Antonia: "No, I'm the Black Hammer!"

They loved Hosea's scallop dish and his third dish was good but his sashimi dish was boring and he didn't make dessert. Toby wanted dessert but Tom is adamant that they didn't have to make dessert so that shouldn't be a factor in the judging.

Stefan's carpaccio dish wasn't very good but they loved his second dish and some of the judges appreciated that he made dessert, although they didn't think the dessert was very inspired.

Wow, there really isn't an obvious winner. It could be either Hosea or Stefan. Obviously, the only way to pick a winner is to ask the chefs why they should be Top Chef:

Hosea: "I should be Top Chef because I'm not the worst."

Stefan: "I should be Top Chef because I'm so adorable."

Carla: "I shouldn't be Top Chef. Come on; you were all thinking it."

Hosea wins! I'm completely shocked and not entirely convinced by this result. Congratulations, Hosea! I guess.

Toby: "Well, I just have to say that I appreciated that Stefan made dessert."

Tom: "I have some dessert for you, Toby. How would you like a knuckle sandwich?"

Top Chef New York Finale Part 1: Tonight we eat in Hell!

OK, I just had a baby sleeping on my shoulder for half an hour at Disneyland. So cute! We went on Alice in Wonderland and I just have to say that ride is some freaky-ass shit. The poor baby woke up in the middle of the ride and he thought he was having an acid flashback. I think he'll be OK, though.

So, sorry I wasn't able to spend much time on this post but I had a birthday party today, I have out-of-town guests, the College Art Association annual convention is in Los Angeles this week, the Academy Awards are on, the dog ate my recap, and, oh yeah, this episode really wasn't very exciting.

Now, I know this episode of Top Chef was supposed to be part one of the finale but it was really just the challenge before the finale. The only difference between this and any other challenge was that they were in New Orleans.

So, last time Fabio won and Leah was finally eliminated:

Fabio: "Tonight we eat in hell!"

Leah: "Yeah, I was going to suggest you all go there."

It's down to the final four. Or is it?

The chefs spend several months picking out new hairstyles and then meet in New Orleans:

Fabio: "Tonight we get our hair styled in hell!"

Emeril is guest judge for the quick fire:

Emeril: "Your challenge is to create a new flavor for tooth paste. BAM!"

Jamie, Leah, and Jeff come back to compete for a second chance to go to the final.

Jeff wins the quickfire but to get to the final he has to win the elimination challenge.

Emeril has a book to sell. What a surprise.

The chefs have dinner at Emeril's restaurant and then the next day they go to a warehouse full of Mardi Gras floats.

Fabio: "Tonight we look at floats in hell!"

For the elimination challenge they have to create two dishes and one cocktail for the Krewe of Orpheus masquerade ball at the New Orleans Museum of Art.

Oh, and one more incentive: the winner gets a Toyota Venza. I'm pretty sure they just made up that car.

Fabio: "Tonight we drive a Toyota in hell!"

That's enough.

Tom goes into the kitchen to be his completely useless self:

Tom: "Carla should have steamed those oysters. Too bad nobody said anything to her."

OK, I know I've asked this before but WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF HAVING TOM IN THE KITCHEN? He does nothing!

Also, Hosea's roux isn't dark enough. It looks pretty damn dark to me but I guess it's not dark enough.

Carla is doing a non-alcoholic cocktail, which is a pretty big risk at a Mardi Gras party.

Gail is back! Yay!

Gail: "I heard there were cocktails!"

We go to the ball, where everyone is wearing a mask:

Fabio: "This reminds me of porn."

What terrible porn is Fabio watching?

Jeff made fried oysters, crawfish pot de creme, and a cucumber mojito.

Stefan made gumbo with grits, an apple beignet with pecan brittle, and a rum and black cherry cocktail.

Fabio made a sausage and rabbit maque choux with grits, pasta with crawfish, and a trinitini (bell pepper with rum).

Carla made a shrimp beignet, oyster stew, and a cranberry and lime spritzer.

Hosea made gumbo with cornbread, catfish with sweet potatoes, and a hurricane.

The judges liked all of jeff's dishes. They loved his fried oyster and his cucumber drink was everyone's favorite cocktail. Too bad it doesn't do him any good.

They thought Fabio's cocktail was too sweet and his dish wasn't spicy enough. However, they liked his freshly-made pasta and they liked his cocktail in theory, though not in execution.

The judges liked Stefan's grits but, other than that, they pretty much hated everything. And, on top of that, they think he's a total asshole:

Tom: "You seem a little over-confident."

Stefan: "Whatever."

Tom: "Wrong answer."

They liked Hosea's food. He comes in third, which means he'll be going on to part two of the finale, which is actually the finale.

They love everything about Carla's dishes. They even liked her nonalcoholic cocktail:

Gail: "I didn't mind that the cocktail was non-alcoholic. I thought it was so refreshing. Of course, I was already totally wasted when I drank it."

Seriously, if I had already had a few drinks, I wouldn't mind having a soft drink, either. But if I went to a party and all they had was soft drinks, I would be pissed off.

Carla wins! Congratulations, Carla! She wins a car! Wow, Carla is a real surprise; earlier this season I never would have predicted she would make it to the final! She's such a surprise, she could actually win the whole thing!

It's the end of team Europe. Either Fabio or Stefan will be out. And by the judges' reactions, it's pretty clear that Stefan's dishes and attitude were worse. I can't believe Stefan is going to be out! This is a shocking development! I thought Stefan would be this season's top chef and now he's not even going to make it to the finale. But the judges don't have any choice; Stefan was obviously the worst in this challenge.

Padma: "Fabio, please pack your knives and go."

What?

Top Chef New York, episode twelve: Da Top Chefi Code!

Last time the weener was Stefan:

Stefan: "There is something very special about me. I think it will be revealed in this episode."

Last time Jamie was eliminated. Her body was found in one of the galleries of the Louvre covered in symbols:

Padma: "It's a Fibonacci number sequence! Da Vinci!"

OH MY GOD! There's the evil masochistic albino monk who murdered her! Oh, wait, that's just Toby. Never mind.

So, in this episode the chefs have to solve the mysteries left in the work of Leonardo da Vinci. (By the way, his name was Leonardo and not "Da Vinci." Vinci was his home town, not his last name. Sorry; a little pet peeve). The chefs are being hunted down by Opus Dei because one of them holds the secret that has been protected by the Knights Templar for almost two thousand years.

But before we get to that, lets check in with the chefs:

Leah has always wanted to cook. That's the only thing she does well. Which would be fine if she actually did that well.

Carla used to be a model and that's how she started buying cookbooks. I guess that makes sense. To Carla.

Wylie Dufresne, the famous molecular symbologist, will be decoding the entries this week:

Wylie: "I like eggs because they symbolise the resurrection of Christ."

No, this challenge doesn't have anything to do with Easter.

Wylie: "Fine. I just like eggs."

OK, so they have to make clever egg dishes. Stefan makes a pretty cool pannacotta with mango goo in the middle so that it looked just like a soft-boiled egg. Fabio does basically the same thing but not as good. Shockingly, Carla wins with green eggs and ham, which seemed like the worst idea ever. Seriously, I'm sure it tasted fine but that just really isn't very interesting unless maybe you are a child.

The chefs pick knives with the names of death row inmates and they have to prepare their last meals. God, this is so depressing:

Fabio: "I would want my grandma to make my last meal. Because there is nothing a woman enjoys more than to cook a meal before burying her own grandson."

Carla's big advantage is that she gets to switch inmates but, of course, there's no point so she doesn't.

After dinner at chef Harold's restaurant, Perilla, the chefs get to work.

Tom gives the chefs advice:

Tom: "Job 38:11. 'Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further.'"

Thanks, Tom. That's a big help.

Tom: "OK, fine. The holy grail 'neath ancient Roslin waits. The blade and chalice guarding o'er her gates. Adorned in masters' loving art, she lies. She rests at last beneath the starry skys."

That's more like it.

Padma: "What does it mean?"

Obviously it refers to the fact that Mary Magdalene is buried under Capitale, the exclusive events venue in lower Manhattan.

Padma: "Oh, right."

The chefs get to work cooking:

Tom: "You will not succeed. Only the worthy can unlock the stone."

Give it a rest, Tom.

Fabio is struggling with the albino and ends up with a broken finger:

Padma: "It's a cryptex. Da Vinci's design."

What the hell are you talking about, Padma?"

Padma: "I just felt like saying a line from the movie. Was it not relevant? Sorry."

Tom enters the cockpit:

Tom: "Don't embarrass me. We're all counting on you."

Hey, how did an Airplane reference get in there? We're doing the Da Vinci Code, people!

So, let's see what the chefs made for the death row inmates:

Leah made eggs Benedict for Wylie Dufresne, who is on death row for running a molecular meth lab. The judges think the dish is OK but the hollandaise sauce is too runny.

Stefan made salmon with spinach and roasted potatoes for Marcus Samuelsson, who is on death row for murdering nurses. The judges all think the salmon was overcooked.

Hosea made shrimp scampi with tomatoes Provençal for the noted pedophile Susan Ungaro. The chefs thought the scampi was good but the tomatoes were not great.

Fabio made roasted chicken with herb-roasted potatoes and caramelized cipollini for someone named Lidia, who is on death row for general crimes against humanity. The judges love it!

Carla made squab for Jaques Papin, who would never hurt a fly. What is he doing on death row! This is tragic! He was obviously framed!

Jaques Papin: "It's OK. Now that I've had Carla's squab I can die happy."

Some of the judges think the squab was overcooked:

Tom: "The young chefs think it was overcooked and the old chefs thought it was perfect."

Lidia: "Did you just call me old?"

The Last Judges' Table in New York:

The judges decide that Fabio made an airline salad and then Tom and Toby get into a fight:

Toby: "Should we take Fabio's broken finger into account?"

Tom: "Well, what do you think, dumb-ass?"

Toby: "I actually liked Leah's hollandaise sauce."

Tom: "I just want to punch you in the face."

Leah is out. Stefan's dish was probably worse but obviously they couldn't send him home.

So the judges recreated Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper, which gives us the answer to the mystery of the Holy Grail:

Sir Ian McKellen: "The Holy Grail is a vessel carrying the blood of Christ. But it isn't a wine glass, it's a person!"

Well, duh.

Sir Ian McKellen: "OK, wiseguy, let's look at Leonardo's painting: if Padma switches places with Toby you can see it proves that Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene got married and had children."

Oh, wow, I never noticed that before.

Sir Ian McKellen: "Fabio wins! He is a direct descendant of Jesus! Congratulations, Fabio, here's a big bottle of the blood of Christ, er, I mean, wine. I always get those confused."

Stefan: "It can't be Fabio! I thought I was the second coming of Christ!"

Yeah, we know.

(I would like to thank IMDB for information on the Da Vinci Code because I hated that stupid movie and don't actually remember anything about it.)

Top Chef New York, Episode Eleven: I think I'm gonna barf!

Jeff is out:

Jeff: "The problem is that I'm just so amazing the judges couldn't handle it. I should have given them a little less Jeff."

Yeah.

This week there will be eel skinning in the Top Chef kitchen. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Hold my hair.

Stefan pretends to have human emotions:

Stefan: "I feel so lucky to be here. I know I was so close to being sent home."

Wow, that was some amazing acting.

Fabio is speaking Italian to his wife:

Fabio: "Thatsa one spicey meata balla. Ciao."

Josea is the last American virgin. I mean male chef.

Carla is misunderestimated.

Eric Ripert is the guest judge and he is legen-wait- for-it-dary.

For the quickfire they will have three rounds to test precision and speed of technique.

First they have to clean and butterfly sardines in five minutes.

Fabio, Leah, Stefan, Fabio, and Josea were the best so they move on to the next challenge with salmon.

Leah is pouting:

Leah: "I am so cute when I pout. All the boys say so."

Josea and Stefan win that round and have to prepare eel. The eels are still moving around, even though they are supposed to be dead. How exactly do we know they are dead? They certainly show more signs of life than Padma does:

Padma: "I have a pulse. We checked."

If you say so. Stefan nails the eel onto the board with a nail through its head and skins it:

Josea: "Oh, that's what the hammer and nails were doing on the counter. I just assumed Toby was going to nail himself to a cross."

Stefan wins!

Padma: "You don't get immunity but I'm sure you'll get a really useful advantage in the elimination challenge."

I bet you won't!

Padma: "Well, you know what? You're usually right about that but not this time."

Elimination challenge! AAAAHHHHHH! (I just felt like screaming for no reason. Just ignore me.)

Padma: "OK, Chefs, time to get all dressed up and pretend like we are going to do something fun! Suckers!"

Seriously, they will probably get all dressed up and then be told they have five minutes to gather clams at the seashore and make dinner for a hundred puppies wearing adorable sweaters:

Padma: "Oh, my god, I can't believe I never thought of that."

But, shockingly, the chefs actually get to eat at Le Bernadin! They actually get to eat the food. Of course, it's about twenty courses of fish so you know something weird is going on. Not even a restaurant that specializes in seafood would give you that many fish courses.

So, they have to recreate the dishes and make them as close as they can to the dishes they just ate.

Stefan gets to pick his dish and he chooses lobster. Oh, that is totally going to backfire on him and he's going to lose:

Padma: "You're wrong this time."

Fabio made sourdough encrusted red snapper and the judges think it's pretty close.

Leah made baked mahi mahi with miso and it's not very good. She's going home.

Padma: "Wrong again, dummy!"

Stefan made the lobster and asparagus and the judges think it is very good.

Carla made escolar with potato crisps. The judges think it is one of the more difficult dishes and she did pretty well. Way to go, Carla!

Josea made the monkfish and it wasn't very good.

Jamie made the black bass with celery and the celery was over salted. Some of the chefs thought the fish was fine but Toby thought the dish was inedible:

Toby: "You may have thought the dish was unremarkable but I thought it was remarkable. Remarkably poor!"

Oh, snap!

Stefan, Fabio, and Carla are the top three.

Toby makes some comment that I listened to over and over and I still have no idea what he was talking about:

Toby: "It was so clever it just went over your head."

I'm sure that was it.

Stefan wins a book and he also gets to "follow" Eric Ripert around for a week, whatever that means. Does he literally get to walk behind Eric everywhere he goes? Even the shower? Ooh, la la! And also, he gets to travel with Eric to some food and wine fair! So, basically he gets to marry Eric Ripert! This is the best prize ever!"

Padma: "Yeah, it's totally legal now in New York for two chefs to get married."

So progressive!

Jamie, Leah, and Josea are the bottom three.

Leah really screwed up but her dish also sounds really complicated:

Leah: [pouting] "How the hell did you make that sauce?"

Eric Ripert: "Well, we start with fifteen elderly French women sitting around an open fire, we deglaze the grinder with half the reserved stock that we created when we made the krelph and then we slowly add the fish until it's crispy and screams a little bit when you poke it."

Leah: "Oh. I added butter."

Tom: "She doesn't even know the basics!"

Shockingly, Jamie is out because the judges decided her dish was inedible:

Padma: "It was shit. I would have sent it back if I could have but I thought that would be rude."

Well, I'm sorry this week's recap was a little basic but I was out all day trying to stimulate the economy at three separate Club Monaco locations. I can't do it alone, people!

Toby: "Well, everyone else may have thought your recap was unremarkable but I thought it was remarkable."

Thank you, Toby.

Toby: "Remarkably dull."

Marfa Marfa Marfa!

(image from http://www.garnersclassics.com/)

For my Top Chef post click here!

I'm taking the opportunity during viewing the amazingly violent, misogynistic, and bizarrely pro-crime Super Bowl commercials to write about what I did on my Martin Luther King holiday vacation.

Did I drive with my family to Walley World in an old station wagon with a dead woman in a rocking chair strapped to the roof?

Oh, so close, but no.

I went to Texas! My friend Nan is the director of the Forsyth Gallery at Texas A&M University in College Station and she invited me to judge submissions to a jurried show. So I flew to the George Bush airport in Houston, where she picked me up and drove me smack dab to middle of the state. On the way to the gallery, we passed the George Bush library and the crash site of that military helicopter that went down a few days before my trip.

For the show I looked through about 130 entries of paintings, sculpture, and decorative art pieces. Ultimately I chose what I liked but I tried not to make my selections based entirely on my personal taste. It was tough but I enjoyed it. I selected what would go into the show and then I selected my favorites for prizes.

So that was the work part of the trip. Then Nan and I spent the weekend driving across Texas to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere called Marfa. But first, we got boudin, which I had been wanting to try for years. Boudin is sausage made with meat and rice and now I can say I tried it. I can also say I will probably never try it again. I'm very sensitive to weird meat and this reminded me a little of haggis.

Marfa is a full day's drive from, well, basically from anywhere. I think the closest airport is three hours away so we just did the eight hour drive from College Station to Marfa, which is in Presidio County in south-west Texas, not too far from Mexico. It is hard to describe exactly how far into the middle of nowhere this place is. The landscape in Presidio County is really beautiful.

It was just getting dark when we rolled into Marfa. We actually forgot to bring directions to get to the hotel but the town was so small we just drove around a little until we found it. We stayed at the Hotel Paisano, which is one of the two hotels in town. The Paisano was built in the thirties and James Dean, Rock Hudson, and Elizabeth Taylor stayed there while filming Giant. The hotel was very cool; it was recently remodeled but they preserved the historic details very well. Our room was actually two tiny rooms combined into one, which meant we had two tiny bathrooms. The bathrooms were completely original, which I thoroughly approve of but the plumbing did not work well.

(This was our actual room)

(Cute bathrooms)

We spent the entire next day on art tours. After breakfast at the hotel we drove over to the Chinati Foundation, which was started by the installation artist Donald Judd. The foundation takes up most of an old military base and it provides the kind of space for huge installations that you can't really get at art institutions in the city. The highlights of the first half of the tour were the giant buildings of Judd's boxes.


100 untitled works in mill aluminum, 1982-1986

"At the center of the Chinati Foundation's permanent collection are 100 untitled works in mill aluminum by Donald Judd installed in two former artillery sheds. The size and scale of the buildings determined the nature of the installation, and Judd adapted the buildings specifically for this purpose. He replaced derelict garage doors with long walls of continuous squared and quartered windows which flood the spaces with light. Judd also added a vaulted roof in galvanized iron on top of the original flat roof, thus doubling the buildings' height. The semi-circular ends of the roof vaults were to be made of glass.
Each of the 100 works has the same outer dimensions (41 x 51 x 72 inches), although the interior is unique in every piece. The Lippincott Company of Connecticut fabricated the works, which were installed over a four-year period from 1982 through 1986. Funding for the project was provided by the Dia Art Foundation."

After a good lunch at the Pizza Foundation we went back to the second half of the Chinati tour. The highlights of the second half of the tour were the Dan Flavin light installations taking up a group of old barracks buildings.

untitled (Marfa project), 1996.

"Dan Flavin's large-scale work in colored fluorescent light for six buildings at the Chinati Foundation was initiated in the early 1980s, although the final plans were not completed until 1996. The work was inaugurated at the museum's annual Open House in October 2000."

Then we went on a tour of the home and library of Donald Judd, which is part of the Judd Foundation. The Judd Foundation is separate from the Chinati Foundation, even though they were both founded by Donald Judd. Anyway, the Judd Foundation tour was really worth it; It was in a compound where Judd lived and there were several large spaces with many examples of his early work. Fewer people know about the Judd Foundation so we practically had a private tour.

After our day of tours we went to find a restaurant called Cochineal, which we were told was excellent. We were not prepared for quite how excellent it was. Chef Toshi used to have a restaurant in New York and just moved to Marfa last year. It was an amazing fine dining experience. I had the Cahors, which is a red wine I hadn't heard of. Then, as an appetizer, I had the wood grilled marinated quail served on a crisp of polenta with mixed baby greens and lingonbery sauce. That was one of the best things I have ever eaten. For an entree I had the handmade fettuccine with long simmered spiced pork sausage and vegetable ragu. Honestly, the pasta was just OK but I didn't care because the appetizer was so delicious. For dessert I had Toshi's baked to order date pudding with warm rum caramel sauce. Fantastic! It was as good as any restaurant I've been to in New York but it was even more pleasant because it was such a surprise to find it in the middle of nowhere. And it was very reasonably priced: about $50 for three courses and a glass of wine.

After dinner we went looking for the famous Marfa lights, which are supposed to appear south of town. We sat in the car at the observation point and waited an hour but I don't think we saw them. We did see some weird flashes of light but that's not what they are supposed to look like. Some people say the lights appear almost every night, while other reports say they only appear ten times a year on average. Well, at least we tried.

We spent the next day driving back. One day driving, one day taking tours, one day driving back. That was a lot of driving but it was worth it. The day after that we drove back to Houston. My flight wasn't until 7:00 so we were able to spend the day going to museums.

Unfortunately, the Menil Collection is closed on Tuesdays but we were able to visit the Rothko Chapel next door and that was beautiful. Then we visited the Museum of Fine Arts, which didn't have any temporary shows up but has an impressive permanent collection.

(Rothko Chapel)

And that's what I did on my Martin Luther King holiday vacation! I highly recommend making the trip to Marfa at some time in your life. It's worth the trek!