Project Runway All Stars Episode Five: What Not to Wear!

First of all, I have to apologize because my computer is dying, so I’m going to try to make this quick. It’s that time again, when I have to convince Other Eric that he needs a brand new computer so I can inherit his hand-me-down. Wish me luck.

We start the episode with the designers accosting people in Union Square, which has been magically transported to the middle of Central Park (don’t ask). The designers offer strangers a credit card with their name on it and five thousand dollars to buy a new wardrobe. But there’s an All Stars catch. They have to throw out their entire existing wardrobe and learn to shop by our rules. What do you say? Is it a deal?

Oh, alright. That’s not the challenge. But when I explain the real challenge you are going to wish it were. The designers have to find a muse to use as inspiration for a fashion forward look. During judging we are told that they were supposed to update the muse’s look, which is slightly different, but whatever. Make sense so far? Well, no; there’s already a problem. If you find a muse with a sense of style you really love, you shouldn’t need to update the person’s look, right? They’re looking for a muse with an outdated look? I don’t get it. Anyway, it gets worse. They are first told to buy the clothes from their muse. But then apparently they can get clothes from as many people as they like, so the clothes don’t have to be from their muse? Again, I don’t get it.

There are two or three fun challenges conflicting with each other here. There are just too many elements that don’t work together.

Jerell: “Too many elements that don’t work together is my middle name!”

Seriously. This challenge is perfect for Jerell.

The two designers who actually find muses are Mondo and Austin. They are also, coincidentally, the top two designers for this challenge. The other designers just find some fabric they like.

Anthony tells us he has personality so he knows how to get a man:

Anthony: “You go to a park, find a hustler, and offer him money to take off his pants. You’re welcome.”

Yeah, that is not the first time that guy has taken off his clothes for a stranger in a park. Just saying.

So, the designers have $150 for this challenge. But, since they spend most of the money in the park, they are almost penniless when they get to the fabric store.

In the next scene we see Kara standing at a freeway off ramp with a sign reading: “Unemployed All Star. Need $3 for thread. Please help.”

Oh, these poor designers!

Mitt Romney: “Well, I don’t care about poor designers.”

How can you say such a horrible thing?

Mitt Romney: “You took my statement out of context. Typical liberal media. If you had let me finish, you would have understood that what I meant is I don’t care about them because they are whiney and annoying.”

Actually, I can’t argue with him on that one.

Mitt Romney: “Let them eat cake!”

You should stop talking now.

Back in the design room, most of the designers seem to know what they are doing, but Michael and Anthony are having problems:

Anthony: “I have a brain storm.”

Austin: “You mean you are brainstorming ideas?”

Anthony: “No, my doctor actually gave me the diagnosis. I’m suffering from a brain storm. It’s fatal. My only option is to go to a tropical island and jump into an active volcano to appease the gods and save the native people.”

Austin: “Oh, I think you mean you have a brain cloud.”

Anthony: “Right. That’s it. A brain cloud.”

Meg Ryan: “You were diagnosed with a brain cloud and you didn’t get a second opinion?”

Anthony: “I asked for a second opinion so the doctor also told me my shoes were ridiculous.”

Now it’s time for the segment of the program we call, Well, that went nowhere:

Michael: “So, Mila, you aren’t going to believe this, but Kenley created Kara’s entire outfit while Kara just slept and ate Doritos for two days!”

Mila: “What?! God! Kenley is such a bitch!”

Michael: “Yeah! What are we gonna do about it?”

Mila: “Nothing!”

Michael: “OK!”

Well, that went nowhere.

Time for the runway, with guest judge Some Hockey Player:

Michael created sort of a swimsuit, which wasn’t really the challenge. The peach lace fabric is nice but it looked better as the original shorts, so he did nothing to improve it.

Austin thinks he made a high fashion version of a punk goth look. What he actually made is a sad costume for an Aeon Flux sequel. The judges think his muse would love it, but I can tell you she would not be caught dead in it. Or alive, for that matter.

Kara (or Kenley) turned a blue maxi skirt into some great-looking pants. It’s definitely a better version of what her muse was wearing.

Mila made a cool pair of jeans and a top. 

Jerell made something practically indescribable. The closest thing I can think of is a beach cover-up. But then it had a jacket-less jacket on top. You wouldn’t wear it to the beach. So it isn’t made to be worn at all. That’s fine. So, is it a work of art? Unfortunately, no.

Rami made a decent outfit with a cool striped top and shorts that were not as amazing as the judges made them out to be.

Kenley made a cute dress that was different from her usual cute dresses. But it looked like the original striped fabric was only used for the yoke of the dress and the majority of the striped fabric came from Mood. Am I wrong?

Anthony made a nice red jumpsuit that was turned into geriatric wear by the addition of a turban. Most of the fabric was bought at Mood and it really had nothing to do with his muse.

Mondo turned his muse’s cool patterned dress into some shorts and made a nice jacket out of some jeans and another jacket. It’s obviously more stylish than Austin’s fake goth look.

Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo!

Isaac and Georgina start arguing:

Isaac: “Nobody loves a jumpsuit as much as I do.”

Georgina: “No, I love them more.”

Oh, please. You two can’t even come close to my love of jumpsuits. Don’t try to compete with me.

Anyway, as much as we all love jumpsuits (and I love them the most), Anthony just didn’t meet the requirements of the challenge and he is out. Sorry, Anthony.

OK, off to the Apple Store. If you don’t hear from me in a week, please send a search party.

Project Runway Just Deserts, Episode Four!

Last week Michael won and Gordana was out. Now Gordana is in the fight of her life, in the Project Runway Second Chance Kitchen!

Gordana: "Really?"

No, not really. You're just out.

This week the designers are inspired by Diane von Furstenberg and her favorite desert, Pinkberry:

Diane von Furstenberg: "Can't get enough of it, darling! I eat it three times a day and anyone who says I don't is a damn liar!"

The designers pick the flavor of Pinkberry that will inspire them:

Michael picks first and he chooses the original tart flavor.
Mondo picks next and he selects the original tart flavor.
Mila picks the original tart flavor.
April thinks about it and then picks the original tart flavor.
Jerell has had his eye on that original tart flavor and he gets it.
Kenley gets the original tart flavor and acts like that was what she was hoping for.
Austin announces that he actually is the original tart flavor.
Anthony thinks the challenge is dumb but he takes the original tart flavor.
Rami is relieved he isn't picking last and he gets the original tart flavor.
Kara gets stuck with chocolate.

Kara: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. Poor Kara. I hate chocolate Pinkberry.

OK, it's time for the quickfire challenge. This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. It is also the most dangerous. If you are lactose intolerant.

In a bizarre twist, while they only have six hours to create the look, they have two full days to sketch and they get no money at all. The looks have to be made entirely from frozen yogurt and accessorized only with fresh fruit.

I'm just kidding. Obviously they will also have access to Fruity Pebbles, crushed Oreos, and those little mochi rice balls.

Isaac: "Ooh, I love those!"

Joanna Coles makes her rounds and gives everyone a little cup of yogurt to use as a hat and we learn that the designers are trying to meet the short deadline by just sticking to what they know:

Kenley: "I'm not going to do something new for this challenge."

Joanna: "No kidding. Kenley, you make the same friggin' dress for every challenge. Why would this challenge be any different?"

April was planning to make another black dress, but the mini-Mood that was set up at Parsons didn't have any black fabric:

Swatch the Dog: "Ha ha! Suck it, April!"

The designers all complain about having six hours to make a dress:

Michael: "Six hours? What am I supposed to do after I finish? Just stand around for another five hours?"

Not all the designers are impressed with Michael's speed. Jerell thinks a chimp could make Michael's dress:

Jerell: "To be fair, I don't think a chimp could make it as quickly as Michael could."

Rami is making a wrap dress, but he is not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg:

Rami: "I'm not making a wrap dress because I think it looks good. I'm only doing it because it's really easy. In fact, even a chimp could make a wrap dress."

Well, OK. He's definitely not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg.

The designers go to the L'Oreal studio and ask for sloppy buns. Then they discuss the hair.

There are two guest judges this week; apparently nobody expected Isaac to be back from rehab so soon. The guest judges are supermodel Miranda Kerr and superdesigner Diane von Furstenberg.

Time for the runway:

Michael picks grapefruit to accessorize his original tart Pinkberry. The dress does look a little like soft serve. Actually, the model looks like she's being eaten alive by a giant pile of pink ice cream. The fabric makes me a little nauseated. It's seriously grossing me out. I really need to stop writing about it now, before I get sick.

Mondo picks cantaloupe. This dress actually makes me want to go to the store and buy a cantaloupe. It looks fresh and delicious. I want to eat this dress.

Mila picks milk and sour cherries and her dress is pretty cute. It's red and white color blocking, but with curved seams, which was probably hard to do in that chiffon-y fabric.

April picks blueberry and she mentioned Violet Beauregarde, but that didn't make it into the dress. The closest link I can find between this dress and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is that Helena Bonham Carter was in an adaptation of the book and not even Helena Bonham Carter would wear this dress. 

Jerell picks fruits of the forest. If you are like me, and I know you are, you were probably wondering if 'fruits of the forest' was one of those euphemistic terms like 'prairie oysters' that you just don't want to think about. But no, apparently it's just an unnecessarily long way to say 'berries.' Anyway, I kind of love his weird dress.

Kenley picks passion fruit and makes the exact same friggin' dress she makes every week, but she used a slightly different polka dot fabric just to add a little friggin' variety. It's kind of cute. Just like every friggin' dress she makes.

Austin picks vanilla Madagascar. His dress is as pointless as the name of the flavor he chose, so I think he did a good job.

Anthony picks green tea. I guess his dress does kind of make me think of green tea ice cream. It's not the worst thing he's made.

Rami picks kiwi. The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that it completely sucks.

And Kara, of course, gets stuck with cayenne pepper:

Kara: "NOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. She chose to do tiers of white and brown and red, which was pretty yucky. The shape of the dress was so bad it was almost good. Seriously, I was really kind of fascinated by how wrong it was.

Miranda Kerr tells us that she doesn't personally like ruffles on dresses, and normally we would be all, Who the hell cares if you personally like it, but, oh, did we forget to tell you that she will actually be wearing the winning dress? Well, we also forgot to tell the designers, so now they are being judged on whether this woman wants to wear their dress, even though that was not part of the challenge. Whatever.

So Michael and Mondo are the top two and Michael wins the challenge and a date with Diane von Furstenberg. Miranda Kerr has to decide where to wear that dress, but unless she is attending a wedding in Moldavia, I don't know where she would wear it:

Miranda Kerr: "There is that opening of an envelope I'm planning attend."

Kara and April are the bottom two and April is out. Sorry, April.

The judges tell Kara the explanation of her dress was insane but they just didn't see the insanity in the design:

Kara: "That's disappointing, because I'm completely batshit crazy."

Isaac: "Kara, we know you are. We just need you to translate that into your work."

Tune in next week when there will be naked people in a park. Finally.

Project Runway All Stars, Episode Three: Gays in Space!

Miss Piggy: "It's supposed to be Pigs in Space, you moron!"

I know, but Gays in Space was a Saturday Night Live sketch that I assume was a tribute to Pigs in Space, so I thought it would be funny to reference that instead.

Miss Piggy: "If you have to explain it, it's not funny."

Right. Sorry. So anyway, Isaac is off this week, having his tattoos removed, which means I have to make up a name for that model who is the actual host of the show. Let's call her M, as a tribute to L Macpherson (oh, my god, I think that joke is from that old Julie Brown show called The Edge, featuring Jennifer Aniston before she became famous, which means I'm old enough to remember life before Friends, which is something I do not want to think about.)

M: "This week you will be designing for the most glamorous non-human fashionista on the planet!"

Designers: "I hope it's Madonna!"

M: "Seriously, dummies? Well, it's not. It's Miss Piggy."

Some of the designers are very excited about designing for Miss Piggy and others are not:

Anthony: "I am not impressed."

Miss Piggy: "Right back at ya, sister."

Yeah, so the designers sketch on their fancy new Kenmore Elite sketch pads and then they go to Mood and buy either black or pink fabric because those are the only options and then they fight over the only pair of shoes and gloves on the Kenmore Elite accessory wall and then Mila gets all pissed off about the fact that she has no friends and then all the designers say how they love Muppet Babies, which is apparently the only way the post-Friends generation knows the Muppets and then Joanna Coles asks the designers if a pig would really want to wear a giraffe or a nightie or a really ugly dress and they all say that, yes, a pig would love to wear those things and Joanna say OK, it's your funeral and then it's time for the runway!

The judges this week are supermodel M, designer Georgina Chapman, designer Eric Daman, and movie star Miss Piggy:

We start with Michael's shiny little dress with a big bow stuck on the front. Anthony complains that it is just a simple princess-seam dress with something stuck on the boob, which is a hilarious complaint coming from Anthony.

April made a boring black dress.

Jerell made a horrible pink dress.

Kara made a skin-tight dress. Kara loves the "movement" in this dress. I have this little theory that Kara is completely insane.

Kenley made a cute pink-giraffe-print dress. There is nothing interesting about the design, but the fabric makes it the only interesting thing on the runway, in my opinion.

Anthony made a black dress with a full skirt. It's kind of cute, but I feel like I've seen pigs wearing similar dresses a million times before. It's just not special.

Rami made a completely ridiculous polka dot flamenco dress. I thought it was one of the worst things on the runway. It's so costumey and tacky. I just don't see someone as high fashion and glamorous as Miss Piggy wearing that. The judges disagree with me, however, and put it in the top two.

Gordana made a pink nightie, because she wants Miss Piggy to be comfortable, clearly not understanding that Miss Piggy believes in suffering for fashion.

Austin apparently ran out of time and his original idea of a giant bow on the back, which could have been nice, turned into two really stupid-looking bows just stuck onto the hips. It's awful.

Mondo made a dress that looks like a pink plastic bag. I don't get it.

Mila made a kind of cute black-and-white sixties mod dress. I can see Miss Piggy wearing this for a themed photo shoot, but it's not really appropriate for her promotional tour.

Well, that was a lot of boring for one runway. The judges deliberate and Eric Daman and Miss Piggy get into an ugly argument:

Eric Daman: "I think some of these looks would not really accentuate Miss Piggy's curves."

Miss Piggy: "Are you calling me fat? You wouldn't know a real woman if she punched you right in the face, which I'm about to do."

Eric Daman: "I'm trying to be a good sport about this. Why are you being such a bitch."

Miss Piggy: "Listen, you little weasel, I am a huge star who was wearing designer clothes while you were still in diapers!"

Eric Daman: "Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

Miss Piggy: "I want you so bad!"

OK, I did not see that coming. They are totally making out right there on the runway!

Rusty: "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her!"

Clark Griswold: "Rusty, that joke is terrible. I am so disappointed in you."

The remaining two judges give the win to Michael and they send home Gordana. I seriously think it doesn't matter what Austin does at this point; the judges feel they can't send him home because he's Austin. Yes, that's right, it's a new Lifetime Original Movie:

Austin Scarlett is Drew Peterson

Austin: "I'm untouchable, bitch."

Project Runway All Stars, episode two: Not a Marx Brothers Parody!

As much as the world is just crying out for a Project Runway parody recap based on a Marx Brothers movie, I refuse to do it. I know the Marx Brothers are very popular, but I have to admit that I've just never quite gotten used to the talkies. I miss the days when you read the title cards, as God intended.

Anyway, as you've probably figured out, the name of this week's challenge is Duck Soup. The designers will be creating glamorous show-stopping gowns to impress Mrs. Teasdale so that she will use her late husband's fortune to save the bankrupt country of Freedonia.

Isaac: "The future of the Eurozone hangs in the balance!"

That's right, Isaac!

Guest judges this week will be Mssrs. Badgley and Mischka, fine purveyors of elegant evening apparel. Some of the designers are thrilled and others are not so thrilled:

Kara: "This is not my papoo moment."

Mondo: "Yeah, I'm with you on that. This is not my papoo moment, either."

What the hell is a papoo moment?

Mondo: "What difference does it make? Just smile and nod."

So the designers have one day and three hundred and fifty dollars and they go to Mood to buy fabric. Michael and April, who once again are sharing half a brain, both pick the same red fabric. Michael freaks out and decides he needs to come up with an entirely new idea:

Other Eric: "Why can't he just do the same dress in another color?"

Mondo: "Because the fabric speaks to you and tells you what to make. You can't just switch fabrics. Duh."

Wow, Mondo has all the answers today. Anyway, Michael switches to black jersey, there is a huge collective sigh of relief, and then the designers head back to the work room.

April starts dyeing her red chiffon and everyone is all, "I don't agree with her life choices, but I guess it's a free country, so whatever."

Joanna Coles talks to the designers and we hear that Austin is under so much pressure because everyone expects him to win this challenge. Apparently he is famous for being a drama queen:

Austin: "Not drama queen! Couture King! Oh, the pressure!"

If it helps, I think you are going to fail miserably.

Austin: "Thank you, my darling!"

Rami tells us he is only human and Kara tells us she is "off the kahunies," which at first I assumed was South African for "I forgot to shave my armpits," but on second viewing decided it was just bad lighting.

Time for the runway:

Kenley - Too bad she couldn't get more of that polka dot fabric, because it might have helped. The two-tiered pink skirt looked weird.

Gordana - Well, it was different from the other things on the runway. The top with the beaded netting was nice and I wish she had covered the entire dress in it. The two-tone purple skirt with insets looked like it belonged on a waitress at Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.

Rami - Blech. I can't even describe this fuchsia nightmare.

Mila - Terrible. Boring black dress with sequin-blocking, which is a new technique she just invented and should never, ever use again.

Sweet P - The floral fabric is cute. The dress is horrid.

Mondo - A silver and white mini with a costumey yoke collar and train. This looked relatively good, compared to the rest of the crap on the runway.

Jerell - This shapeless tent of a beige dress made me want to vomit.

Kara - Her floral gown was almost cute.

Anthony - OK, it's surprisingly good. He absolutely kept his white gown from looking bridal, the black leather gloves are unexpected, and there is no way that dress is staying on without boob tape.

Austin - He made a gold dress covered with black tulle. I find it boring.

April - Everything about this red dress looks like an accident.

Michael - Michael blew the rest of the designers out of the water this week. His dress looked expensive and flawless. I can totally see a rich talentless slut wearing this dress.

Kara, April, and Sweet P are on the bottom and Sweet P is out. Sorry Sweet P.

Anthony, Michael, and Austin are on the top and Austin wins. Congratulations, Austin. I didn't love Austin's dress, but obviously Mrs. Teasdale did:

Project Runway All Stars, Premiere: Are they all stars?

uh, no

Isaac Mizrahi: "I suggested they call it Project Runway Some Stars, but no one ever listens to me."

Probably for the best. In fairness, though, all but one of these designers either made it to the final or came within one elimination of making it to the final. And all but one of these designers made a final collection or decoy collection. OK, I'll just say it: I don't know what Elisa is doing there. Was Ari Fish not available?

Ari Fish: "I am so totally available!"

Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually offering you a job. One more question: Where is my beloved Daniel Franco?

Daniel Franco: "They must have misplaced my number."

I'm sure that's it.

But we do have some genuine stars: we have Austin and Mondo and, um, Kara and ... uh ... well, we have Austin and Mondo and Kara. That's enough. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I love most of these designers, I'm just not sure they would all top my list of Project Runway stars.

Other Eric is thrilled that the show is only one hour. I, on the other hand, think they edited out a little too much. For instance, we didn't even get to see Kara's or Sweet P's garments walk the first runway. Was that just an editing mistake?

Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to spend a lot of time trying to memorize the contestants' names. I already know them! Unfortunately, I don't know who the host is and I'm really too lazy to try to remember her name, so I'm just going to pretend that Isaac is the host, head judge, mentor, and producer. It's just easier that way. You know what? I'm going to make Isaac play the part of all the models, as well.

Isaac: "I love that idea!"

OK, so the designers are:

Mondo: The designer most cheated out of a win.
Michael: The designer with the most frightening family life
Mila: The queen of color-blocking
Anthony: The queen of tacky prom dresses
Jerell: The designer I completely forgot about but apparently really liked
Elisa: The designer who makes the first elimination easier
Austin: The grande dame of Project Runway
Kenly: The one everyone hated, though I don't remember why
Rami: The queen of draping
Gordana: The one everyone loved, though I don't remember why
April: The really young designer (practically a fetus)
Kara: Pure fabulousness
Sweet P: Why the hell not?

The designers will be playing for a boutique in Neiman Marcus, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, some sewing machines, and a wad of cash.

Isaac: "Those prizes are worth, like, a billion dollars."

Isaac is not really good at math, but I think he's pretty close on this one. That prize package is amazing.

First we see a fashion show of recent looks that the designers brought with them to the competition. Most of them aren't bad. Kenley's is probably the worst, but that's partly because Isaac, her model, is just not full-figured enough to fill out the hips on that gown:

Isaac: "Yeah, I've been working out. Also, I'm wearing Spanx."

The designers watch a video of Valentino, cry, and then go to a 99 cent store. They have to use unconventional materials to create a look inspired by their first looks that they brought with them.

They head back to the design room and meet their mentor, Joanna Coles, who reminds me of someone:

Joanna Coles: "I'm tough, I'm talented, and I'm taking over."

Yep, that's it.

Joanna Coles: "I'm here to whip you losers into shape. And I couldn't be more excited about being forced to work with one of you for a year at Marie Claire. I can hardly wait for that to happen."

On to the drama in the design room. April and Michael are creating almost the same dress out of mop heads! This is going to get ugly! Let's check in on them:

April and Michael: "Whatever."

OK, so that wasn't quite as exciting as we thought. If only we had a true star to add some drama to the proceedings:

Austin: "YOU CURSED GLUE GUN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! MY DRESS IS MELTING! MELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Austin: "You're welcome."

It's time to start the runway, and Isaac comes out wearing an adorable little dress that Wendy Pepper made for him out of Fruit Loops:

Isaac: "One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

Austin made a green plastic dress that he was able to repair after accidentally melting a hole in it. It could have been cute if he hadn't stuck so much crap onto the waist. The inspiration from his first dress is clear.

Kara made a braided pink top and a black table-cloth skirt. It's basically the same as the outfit she made for the Garden Party challenge in season 2. It's fine, but it's not very creative, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with her inspiration look, and, again, the model, Isaac, just doesn't have the hips to pull off this look.

Jerell made a beautiful dress out of cheap scarves. It's just fabric, so it's definitely not a very creative use of materials, but it is really well done.

Elisa made some sort of beach wear. She painted a shower curtain. It's art, people.

Rami made an amazing plaid suit out of laundry bags. We can just end the season now and declare him the winner.

Sweet P made a tiered terry cloth dress. If I saw this dress on the street I would not guess that the materials came from a 99 cent store. I would guess that the dress, itself, came from a 99 cent store.

Mondo made a very nice trash bag dress. Probably the second best trash bag look in Project Runway history. (If you can correctly name the best trash bag look in Project Runway history, you will win a position as guest editor at Marie Claire for a year. Marie Claire won't actually know that you are the guest editor, but you will know, and that's all that matters.)

Kenley made a cocktail dress out of a bath mat. I guess her inspiration was the awfulness of her first dress.

Gordana made what I assume is meant to be some sort of clothing item. It's really as good as anything she's ever made, in my opinion. And I find it almost as bewildering as her first look, so I guess it meets the inspiration part of the challenge.

Anthony made a very nice little purple dress that is exactly like every other dress he's ever made, except that this one is made out of paper.

Mila made a cute striped dress out of gift bags. I kind of love it.

Michael made a shapeless dress out of mop heads.

April made a dress out of mop heads that looked just like Michael's, except that it was good.

The judges like Rami's, Mondo's, and Jerell's. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!

The judges hate Sweet P's, Gordana's, and Elisa's. Elisa is out.

Isaac: "Elisa, I love the sacred geometry of this look. I think the chi is perfect and it gives off a really positive aura."

Elisa: "I don't know what you're talking about, Isaac. They're just clothes."

Yeah, sorry, Elisa. Look, you are clearly an amazing person. I'm sure your customers really appreciate the positive energy flowing from your garments and that your blessings are worth every penny. BUT NONE OF THAT SHOWS UP ON TELEVISION! This show is just not the right fit for you.

And that's the premier! Oh, wait, we have a guest comment from Michael Kors:

Michael Kors: "Elisa's garment looks like what a hooker would wear to a reincarnation."

Project Runway Season Nine, Finale Part II, otherwise known as the Finale!

Other Eric: "That's it. I'm never watching this show again. Until next season."

Yeah. Well, that finale was a perfectly appropriate ending to this season.

Zanna Roberts Rossi: "You mean because it was the most exciting season in Project Runway history?"

You know what, Zanna? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. I really like your sparkly silver dress, though.

So last time all four designers were sent through to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. The girls wonder if the boys are really happy for them. They aren't. The boys think they have a 25% chance of winning. They don't. They bid farewell to the Hudson and head to the design room, where Tim gives them a sob story:

Tim: "The critiques by the judges hurt me more that they hurt you. It was like the judges slapped me in the face. No, actually, it was worse than that. Remember when Liza Minnelli's boyfriend threw battery acid in her face in Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon, and she had to move in with an epileptic and a homosexual in a wheelchair because she was an outcast from society? That's how I feel."

Designers: "Is that what you came to tell us?"

Tim: "Oh, I'm sorry, no. I wanted to say that Viktor, I liked your jacket over your gown even though the judges didn't, Kimberly, I liked your accessories even though the judges didn't, Josh, I liked your weird catsuit even though the judges didn't, and Anya, you look very pretty. I hope that makes you all feel better."

The designers get 30 minutes and $500 to make improvements to their collections. Kimberly decides to remake her bubble skirt in black, Josh decides to alter his catsuit, Anya decides to make even more print dresses, and Viktor decides to get rid of everything good in his collection and replace it with crap.

The designers go to Mood and Viktor explains what he's looking for:

Viktor: "I'm looking for sheer fabric. Sheer means it looks like it's covered but it's not because you can see through it."

Yes, thank you for clearing that up.

They go to Garnier and L'Oreal:

Anya: "My models looked too done. I want them to look easy, breezy ..."

Collier Strong: "Don't say it!"

Anya: "Covergirl."

Collier: "GET OUT!"

Josh explains what he wants:

Josh: "Yeah, it was yeah, so just yeah ... Yeah!"

Collier: "I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking mascara."

Josh: "No, thanks. I'm already wearing mascara."

Collier: "Not for you. For your models."

Josh: "oh. right. I keep forgetting that other people exist."

Back in the work room Josh has a meltdown for no reason and Anya says her goodbyes:

Anya: "I wish my collection were better so that when I win it will feel more like I deserve it."

Tim: "That's what we all wish for, Anya."

Tim makes his final rounds and starts saying bizarre things:

Tim: "Joshua, I think your style is sophisticated and elegant and I see your client eating at the Four Seasons."

Josh: "Tim's hallucinating! He may be having a stroke! Call 911!"

We get shots of the designers putting the finishing touches on their collections: Kimberly is putting in zippers and waistbands, Anya is making an entirely new collection, and Viktor is repairing the Brother sewing machines and flossing his teeth. But not at the same time. Because that would be gross.

The designers walk to Lincoln Center:

Kimberly: "It's anybody's game at this point."

Except that Anya is going to win.

Kimberly: "Well, yes, obviously."

The designers try to get ready for the show but Kimberly can't find her sewing kit. Clearly the producers stole it so she wouldn't win. The producer manipulation this season is so blatant! Anyway, Anya lets Kimberly use her sewing kit. Take that, producers!

Meanwhile, Josh can't believe people are sewing models into dresses right before a fashion show, because THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!:

Josh: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Josh storms out of Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week.

The guest judge is L'Wren Scott, a major fashion designer I've never heard of.

We start with Kimberly. Maybe I went into this with low expectations, but I really loved her runway show. The styling was much better; it even improved the first look, which was probably my least favorite. The bubble skirt looked much better with the cream jacket. And Heidi's complaint about it having poofy shoulders was completely off base. There were some great looks and they all gave off a similar vibe. But there was a lot of variety, which apparently made Michael Kors think it didn't work as a collection:

Michael: "A collection should just be the same look repeated over and over."

Well, then I think you're going to love one of the upcoming collections!

I also liked Josh's collection more than I thought I would. There were a few really nice pieces. I wish he had done more with the neoprene and less with the plastic, which looked gimmicky and painful. The black billowy dresses were kind of ugly. The neon-green shorts were super-unattractive:

Nina: "The green shorts looked terrible on the runway, but they looked great in photographs. And the only important thing about clothes is that they photograph well."

Viktor messed up. After last week, I was rooting for him to win. But I think he went to Fashion Week with a winning collection and then edited it into a losing collection. The prints and the tailored pieces were really great. But he took out some of the most beautiful pieces and replaced them with really tacky black sheer looks. His collection could have survived a couple of those looks, but not five. He says it doesn't matter because winning would have just been the cherry on his sundae. Well, I really hope he's happy with that ice cream because he lost his cherry:

Viktor: "Excuse me?"

Sorry. You know what I mean.

Anya's collection was nice. I liked most of the pieces. I do think she has a great eye for prints and she could probably have a very successful resort-wear label. But the looks all blurred together. There was a little bit of variety, but not enough to prevent it from feeling like you were looking at the same dress in different fabrics.

The designers are asked why they should win:

Anya: "I demonstrated tenacity and I have a distinct point of view."

Josh: "I learned to edit and I have a distinct point of view."

Viktor: "I'm passionate and I have a distinct point of view."

Kimberly: "Point of view, point of view, point of view, point of view."

The judges have a long chat:

Heidi: "We all know point of view is the most important thing in fashion, and all four designers just told us they have distinct ones. In fact, the one thing their points of view all have in common is how distinct they are. How could we possible choose?"

Michael: "Well, Kimberly isn't going to win."

Heidi: "That goes without saying."

Nina: "Kimberly makes great clothes, has a very clear style that is under-represented in the market, and would have a huge potential audience. Obviously she's just not ready."

What about Anya? They are impressed that she waited until the last minute to create her collection:

Michael: "I love that she is such a procrastinator!"

L'Wren: "Yeah, that's exactly how the fashion industry works: we sit around doing nothing for months and then create collections in two days!"

Heidi announces the winner:

Heidi: "Designers, there are many losers today, but only one of you can be the winner!"

Anya wins. Oh, calm down, you knew it going to happen.

OK, so I really liked Kimberly's collection and it would have been really exciting if she had won. But if something exciting had happened on this show I probably would have dropped dead of a heart attack. So I guess it's for the best. If Viktor had knocked it out of the park like he should have, I would have been upset about him not winning. But he didn't knock it out of the park. And Josh's collection was probably more interesting than Anya's, but there were also some really ugly pieces, so I can't say I really wanted him to win, either. So, there you go; Anya's collection wasn't my favorite, but I liked the individual looks. I don't think anyone else was robbed. So congratulations, Anya!

But what if Anya didn't even make those clothes? What if the real designer was actually Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford? It's a perfectly legitimate theory that deserves as much attention as any other.

Thanks for reading! See you in 2012 for All Stars!

Project Runway Season Nine, Finale, Part One, The End of Time!

This episode brought to you by the new Ford TARDIS:

Tim Gunn: "It's bigger on the inside!"

That's right! Tim travels through space and time to make home visits to the designers and check on their progress. They had nine thousand dollars and five weeks to create ten looks. To me that seems extravagant after having to make two looks a day for one hundred dollars, but they still complain. There's just no pleasing some people.

First, Tim sets out for White Plains, Maryland, to visit Kimberly:

Tim: "That's interesting. I didn't know there were active volcanoes in Maryland."

I don't think you are in Maryland, Tim! I think you accidentally ended up in Pompeii in 79 AD!

Tim: "oh, crap"

Tim manages to escape and he resets his GPS for White Plains:

Kimberly: "Finally! I've been waiting for you for twelve years! Well, come on in."

Kimberly tells us she was influenced by the Brooklyn of her youth:

Kimberly: "Not the fancy Brooklyn of today, but way back before it became gentrified in May of 2006."

Tim: "Oh, yeah, I remember the day that happened."

Anyway, Tim offers to take Kimberly back to a pre-gentrified Brooklyn so she can experience it firsthand, she says there is no chance she's getting into that deathtrap of a time machine, and then they sit down for a meal of fish fingers and custard, which is much better than it sounds.

Then Tim visits Anya in Trinidad, where he is, of course, overdressed:

Tim: "Bow ties are cool."

Anya: "No, they aren't. You look like a dork."

Anya tells us about her inspiration:

Anya: "I was inspired by our beautiful sister island of Tobago."

Tim: "Why not Trinidad?"

Anya: "I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but if I'm being honest, Trinidad is a total shithole compared to Tobago."

Tim: "Yeah, it is. So tell me about the progress on your collection."

Anya: "I have all my fabric picked out, so I'm set!"

Tim: "Perfect. Once you get to New York there will be plenty of time to have the other designers construct your garments for you."

Finally, Tim visits New York in the 1990s, where he finds Viktor and Josh passed out on the floor of a bar:

Viktor: "It's Josh's fault!"

Tim: "I don't care whose fault it is! Get back to 2011 and finish your collections!"

The designers all get these blue envelopes with notes telling them to meet at the penthouse of the Hudson Hotel in the middle of the desert in Utah. They start putting together three looks to show to the judges because Heidi tells us that only three of them will be going to Fashion Week. We've been led on before, but this time she just flat out lies to us.

Tim makes his rounds. Viktor's jacket is everything, Kimberly is all over the place, Anya is a huge disappointment, and Josh just makes Tim want to weep. Time for the judging!

For some reason the designers are not given time to fit the clothes on the models, so they basically have to pick whatever fits. The benefit of the pre-judging sessions that we've gotten the past few seasons is that the designers have a chance to improve their collections and styling before the real finale. The downside is that the judges and the audience see what should be the best of the collections, which really takes away some of the excitement from the final runway shows.

Maybe instead of the pre-judging Tim could give them more complete critiques, or maybe that woman from Piperlime could stand by the accessory wall shouting "No shoes for you!" if she sees a designer tempted to match the color of a clog to her royal blue pant.

Anyway, Viktor showed three excellent looks and I'm back to thinking he should win. The fabric was great, the jacket was beautiful, the pants were nice. I didn't love the long train of fabric on the dress, but I kind of liked the idea of that jacket over it, just because it was a little unexpected. And I liked the zippered leather skirt, but I would have liked to have seen the zippers zipped to different lengths, which seemed to be the point of it.

Josh's first separates look was good. I liked his weird vintage fabric that made Tim want to commit suicide. I didn't like his little black dress. His third look was so awful I almost liked it. It was a dress in front and a body suit in back. It was certainly different, and I'm a big fan of different. Unfortunately, it was also really ugly. But he showed us enough to clearly be in the top with Viktor.

Kimberly was a mess. The best thing I can say is that the garments looked finished. The colors were garish, the matching shoes were horrendous, the black gown was fine but completely boring, and the first look was so unmemorable I can't even describe it. The only interesting thing was the pink bubble-butt skirt, and even that was ruined by the styling and by the fact that she actually said someone could wear it to the office!

Anya was also a mess. Her first dress was great; that perfect Anya combination of casual and sophisticated. The other two looks were complete disasters; a black swim suit and a dull-gold satin gown that looked like no effort had gone into it. Both Anya and Kimberly suffered from the fact that they weren't able to show the pieces they wanted to because of fitting issues, but even if these were the worst looks in their collections, it was still inexcusable.

So which was worse, Anya's or Kimberly's? Well, it doesn't matter because they are both going on to Fashion Week.

So, you know how this whole season has been a massive waste of time? Well, nothing compares to the waste of time that was this episode. We ended up in the exact same place we were when we started. We still have the same four designers going to Fashion Week. It's like we're stuck in time BUT WE'RE ALL STILL GETTING OLDER!

Tim: "Actually, time isn't stuck. Time is dying. All space and time is coexisting at once, which is why there is a pet pterodactyl at Mood and Winston Churchill is the surprise guest judge for the finale. But don't worry, I think I know how to jump-start time and save the universe."

Tune is next week to see if Tim managed to jump-start time and bring the season to an end, or if we have to keep watching the same four designers compete over and over again forever.

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 12: Governors Island!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful challenge
That started from Manhattan
Aboard a regular-sized ferry.


The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sale that day
For a two-day challenge.


The weather started getting rough,
The ferry was getting tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
Someone might have spilled a cocktail,
Someone might have spilled a cocktail.


The ship set ground on the shore of this 
charted Upper Bay Isle

With Gilligan (the star of the show)

The Skipper too (the lovable grump)

The Millionaire (Thurston Howell, III)

And his wife (the debutante, Lovey Wentworth Howell)

The movie star (Ginger, The high-maintenance narcissist)

The professor (obviously)

And Mary Ann (the girl next door)

Here on Governors Isle!

So, yes, in this exciting episode, the designers get shipwrecked on Governors Island. Will they ever be rescued? Do you really care? Anyway, they have to survive on the island using nothing but their wits. Oh, they also have expensive digital cameras, catered food, and Brother sewing machines made out of coconuts. But other than that, they are completely without modern conveniences. Well, except for the golf carts:

The designers drive around the island in their bamboo golf carts taking pictures of all the Mark di Suvero sculptures that have washed up on shore. The Professor tells them that they will be creating three-piece mini collections and that they will be competing in a beauty pageant to pick Miss Castaway.

After the designers start working, the Professor makes an announcement:

Professor: "Castaways, please gather 'round. There has been another shipwreck and now you have some help to complete your collections. In addition to the Skipper, who will be assisting Gilligan, we also have Anthony Ryan, who will be assisting Mrs. Howell, Becky, who will be assisting Mary Ann, Olivier, who will be assisting Mr. Howell, and Bryce, who will be assisting Ginger."

What are the odds of two shipwrecks in one challenge?

Professor: "Oh, there's just been another shipwreck! It's the Harlem Globetrotters!"

Of course it is.

We hear from the designers:

Mrs. Howell: "I love spending money. I love the finer things in life. You know, there really is more to beauty than perfection of face and figure. It also means breeding and poise and a kind of charm that comes with maturity. I should win this beauty pageant."

Mr. Howell: "Oh, Lovey, I think you are the most gorgeous woman on the planet. These other contestants don't even know how to construct a jacket. How can you have a mini collection without a jacket? The other members of the country club would be just appalled."

Skipper: "Gilligan is always coming up with these crazy ideas for these complicated dresses, but doesn't even know how to sew! I'm always cleaning up my little buddy's messes!"

Ginger: "I am not doing a reunion movie! This show ruined my career! Oh, and I'm actually a very sweet, kind person. It's just that nobody can tell because I hide my niceness behind a wall of yelling at people."

Harlem Globetrotters: "You shouldn't have to explain to people that you are a nice person. This is actually a very important life lesson that can best be explained through the art of basketball."

We watch a basketball game that makes us all better people. And then we have world peace.

Now it's time for the runway show:

Wow! Keep in mind that runway is made entirely out of dried fish. Let's see the looks:

Josh's three piece collection is bad. The little white dress with the black net yolk is fine but the other two pieces are just not good. He chooses this really shiny fabric that just looks cheap:

Kimberly chokes. Her silver dress is really nice, but her separates look is not great and the judges think her coat is a little shapeless:

Laura is a complete disaster. Nothing works:

Anya blows me away. Each look is good. The three looks together are great. Sorry, Viktor, but I'm on Team Anya now:

Viktor bored the hell out of me with his three looks. But, obviously, they are very sellable:

The judges shoot poison darts at the contestants they don't like:

Then the contestants tell us why they should win the beauty pageant:

Ginger: "Thank you. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you wonderful people for allowing me to be in this wonderful contest. It really is a wonderful experience, and it just makes a girl feel wonderful."

Michael Kors: "Wonderful!"

Ginger: "Second of all, I'd like to thank all of you marvelous people for allowing me to be in this marvelous contest. It really is a marvelous experience and makes a girl feel marvelous."

Michael Kors: "Marvelous!"

Ginger: "Thirdly..."

Professor: "Thank you, Ginger. Your time is up. Now let's hear from Mary Ann. Please tell us in your own sweet, charming, unrehearsed way what it is that you want most out of life."

Mary Ann: "I would like a world without strife, with universal harmony and international goodwill, where the spirit of brotherhood enriches all of mankind forever."

Mr. Howell: "How revolting."

Mrs. Howell: "I'm not going to make an unrehearsed speech or a speech that's wonderful and marvelous. I would just like for Michael Kors to think about his mother and America and apple pie and do the right thing."

The judges pick a gorilla as Miss Castaway:

Why? Because the other contestants were not born on the island and were, therefore, disqualified.

Josh: "I can't believe I lost to a gorilla! And to a gorilla that doesn't even have range! This is an outrage!"

So the gorilla wins and will be going to Fashion Week, along with Anya, Viktor, Josh, and Kimberly.

Laura is out.

On the after the runway show, we learn two things:

First of all Nick Verrios, my pretend best friend slash arch enemy, asked Olivier about his accent. The rest of us already knew the answer to this because Laura Kluvo on Blogging Project Runway had already gotten an explanation when she interviewed Olivier a few weeks ago. The answer is that he spent most of his childhood in Taiwan. I can tell you this is a typical Taiwanese accent because I spent the first six months of my life in Taiwan. When I moved back to the United States I was teased mercilessly by the other babies, who claimed that I was crying in a phony South African accent. Babies can be so mean!

The second thing we learned is that Kimberly is really annoyed at Laura for saying she doesn't like her clothes. She doesn't seem to want to let it go. Well, I have a private message for Kimberly:

Kimberly, if Laura says she doesn't like your clothes, TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT!

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 11: For the Birds!

In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled "The Birds," a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by flocks of the winged creatures.


People laughed.


In 1978, when a high-level government experiment goes terribly awry, a group of giant mutated tomatoes rolled through suburbia on a spree of mayhem and murder.


No one is laughing now.

Yeah, so don't get too comfortable. The episode starts with Tim introducing L'Oreal Makeup Tsar Collier Strong:

Collier: "L'Oreal has just come out with a new line of makeup inspired by heirloom tomatoes. What? Like that's any more ridiculous than a line of makeup inspired by an owl?"

Don't get so defensive. I think it sounds like a great idea.

Laura and Anya will be designing for a Purple Cherokee tomato.

Bert and Josh will be designing for a Green Zebra tomato.

Viktor and Kimberly will be designing for a Yellow Valencia tomato. Ooh, fancy!

As usual, Bert is not happy with the challenge:

Bert: "I hate that tomato. It just looks cheap and tacky."

The exciting part of this challenge is that the designers will be competing head to head and have a chance to win $20,000.

Josh tells us that he really needs the money because he has $100,000 in student loans. I hope he has a law degree from Harvard, because otherwise that's ridiculous.

Kimberly is having a bad day. She makes a really ugly dress and then she accidentally runs over it with her car and sets it on fire. Then she sews over her finger and her fabric gets stained:

Josh, the fabric whisperer, licks the fabric to try to figure out what the fabric wants to do:

Josh: "Wait a minute! That's not blood! It's tomato juice!"

OH, MY GOD! THE TOMATOES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

The designers notice a small tomato scurrying along the edge of the design room. They start screaming and jumping up on the tables to get away from it.

Anya: "Don't worry. Killing tomatoes was my pageant talent."

She squashes the tomato with her shoe. It's very impressive.

Josh asks Anya if he can have some fabric. She doesn't want to help him at this point in the competition. Joshua, Viktor, and Kimberly think Anya has received so much help from the other designers that she should be happy to help them when they need something:

Anya: "But giving fabric is more tangible help than giving advice."

Joshua: "My hundred thousand dollar education is tangible! Stand next to me; you can feel it!"

Anya: "Look, without me saving your asses from that tomato, you would all be spaghetti sauce right now!"

At the last minute Kimberly makes a new dress out of polyester lining fabric. Anya has to decapitate her model and then sew her head back on because she forgot to add a zipper to her dress. And Viktor accuses everyone of copying him. Just like every episode.

Tim enters the design room and makes an announcement:

Tim: "I just want you to know we're all counting on you."

No, that's the wrong movie.

Tim: "Oh, sorry. So, remember when I told you to make a second look?"

I think I forgot to mention that.

Tim: "For crying out loud! What kind of recap are you running here? Anyway, the designers had to make a second look inspired by their tomatoes. Well, the exciting second twist is that they will only be showing one of the two looks they made!"

That's a surprising twist! That's actually kind of frickin' brilliant.

Tim: "Right?"

So the designers pick the one look they want and then the L'Oreal and Garnier people make the models look like drag queens from the 1980s and then the fashion show starts.

The guest judge is Francisco Costa, who seems like a LOT of fun:

Francisco Costa: "Stop joking around. This is very, very serious."

The top three are Anya, Josh, and Kimberly. Anya made an avant garde look. That's right, finally something avant garde! It poofed out at the abdomen, which wasn't great, and normally Michael Kors would have said that "no woman wants to look pregnant when she isn't," but it really was a pretty great look. Josh made a beautiful draped dress. I thought it was better than anything Rami Kashou had ever done, and when it comes to draping, that's saying something. I think it could have won the challenge if he hadn't stuck the most godawful feather corsage on the shoulder. He managed to ruin one of the best dresses I've seen in a long time. Still, it's the best thing he's ever done and almost makes me glad he wasn't sent home last week.

Anya wins!

Michael Kors: "You really thought outside the box!"

Francisco Costa: "It's so light and refreshing!"

Nina Garcia: "I love that there's vodka in it!"

The bottom three are Laura, Bert, and Viktor. Viktor is only there by default, because the judges were so impressed that Kimberly managed to make anything at all after that boulder fell on her and she had to cut off her own arm.

So it's down to Laura and Bert:

Laura: "Two beauty queens, head to head."

Right. Bert's was clearly worse. But I thought the judges might keep him just because he does occasionally do something interesting, unlike Laura, who is pretty consistently not so good.

Bert is out. Sorry Bert. I was actually a fan again.

Nina Garcia: "It's just too literal."

Francisco Costa: "It doesn't have exuberance."

Michael Kors: "It looks like what would happen if a tomato moved to Las Vegas, lost all its money at roulette, got made into soup, and became a hooker."

But wait! There's more! Just when you were thinking an hour and a half wasn't long enough, they thoughtfully added another half hour show! My prayers have been answered! I DIDN'T EVER ACTUALLY WANT TO GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT!

Zanna Roberts Rassi: "Hi, welcome to the show! I'm not Andy Cohen!"

Well, yes, there is that.

Zanna: "OK, we don't have much time so let's start complaining about Anya, since she isn't here."

Yeah, where is she?

Zanna: "That's enough. It's time to bring out Anya so we can all feel uncomfortable."

Anya makes a dramatic entrance and is very gracious:

Anya: "I completely understand why everyone is mad at me. It doesn't feel at all like you are ganging up on me."

Zanna: "Now it's time for a segment we call 'Clearing the Air,' where the designers start saying something and then I interrupt them and say we are out of time."

That sounds like a stupid ...

Zanna: "Sorry, we're out of time. But before we go, Laura Benett is here to ask Josh a question."

Laura Bennett: "Josh, the viewers would like to know why you are such an asshole."

Josh: "Thank you for coming and asking me that question. Now, take your Harry Winstons and stick them up your nose."

Zanna: "Now it's time for the part of the show we call 'Josh Storms Out of the Room.'"

Josh storms out of the room.

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 10: The Project Runway Bunch!

This episode was another group challenge, but it's one of those group challenges where each designer makes a completely separate look. Try not to think about it. Actually, they have to make two looks. But what will inspire them this time?

Heather Archibald, from Piperlime: "Our customer is very into trends. Trends are really trending right now."

Tim: "I'm wondering if you realize that that doesn't actually mean anything."

Heather: "Well, the big trend right now is that everyone wants to dress like Carol Brady. Carol Brady is the very essence of 70s casual elegance, and young people just can't get enough of her look."

The designers get a dossier on Carol Brady so they will know what to make.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Sex on a stick.

Josh: "I don't know an insane amount about Carol Brady because I was literally born yesterday."

In this exciting episode, Anya loses her Kitty Karry-All doll at Mood and she blames Josh, who just wanted to practice playing his kazoo:

Anya: "I'm telling Tim!"

Heidi: "I'm sorry honey, but Tim is golfing and, besides, we don't want to bother Tim on his day off."

All the girls take Anya's side:

Anya: "Josh hated my Kitty Karry-All!"

Laura: "It's true. He was always saying so!"

Kimberly: "We are going to get that doll back!"

Anya: "And Kitty doesn't even have her bottle. She'll starve to death!"

[insert laugh track here]

At first the boys all take Josh's side:

Bert: "Do you take the sacred pledge that you didn't steal Anya's doll?"

Josh: "I swear!"

Viktor: "He took the sacred pledge! That proves he didn't do it!"

The designers start beating the crap out of each other and then Tim comes in and breaks it up:

Tim: "We are going to search Mood from top to bottom until we find that doll!"

Tim goes into the Mood kitchen, where Michael Kors is trying to prepare dinner. He tries looking in the oven:

Michael Kors: "If I had known you wanted a doll so badly, I would have baked you one."

[insert laugh track here]

The doll still doesn't show up and the boys start turning on Josh. Nobody will play with him. Tim gives the kids a civics lesson:

Tim: "Designers, gather 'round. We have something in this country called the criminal justice system. The accused are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Then we fry those sons of bitches. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

The designers hold a mock trial with Michael Kors as the judge. The trial lasts about thirty seconds, which is just long enough for the pot roast to catch on fire:

Michael Kors: "Oh, Christ! My pot roast!"

Some of the looks this week were actually not bad. The top three and bottom three were pretty clear.

Kimberly's first look was ugly. The print for the circle top was terrible and the skirt was so not Carol Brady. The second look was a nice gray plaid suit. I liked the second look but it wasn't very well made. Kimberly is in the middle:

Kimberly: "Anya, Anya, Anya! It's always Anya! Nobody ever notices me because I'm in the middle!"

Anthony Ryan's first look is a mess. It's just a bunch of awful mismatched fabric thrown at a model. His second look is actually very 70s and I kind of like it. The print is cool. Unfortunately, it may be a little too 70s and isn't really updated at all. The judges hate it.

Bert made two pretty great looks. I'm not really sure what the first one is -- a beach coverup? Anyway, the shear print over sequins in pretty cool and his little jersey dress is adorable, if not exactly groundbreaking. He's in the top three and the judges want to sell the dress on Piperlime.

Laura made two horrible looks. She chose awful fabrics that made no sense together.

Laura: "Nina is just jealous because I'm so popular and pretty and I know she threw that football at my face on purpose."

Josh made a fabulous blinged-out Star Trek uniform and a black-and-neon dress that is totally 70s because of the length. Also, I think he stole that doll."

Josh: "I did not!"

Anya's first look is not bad for $11.50. But that's about the best thing I can say about it. I love the fabric for her second look, which is a jumpsuit. But it flares out at the hip in an unattractive way. She definitely deserves to be safe, but it wasn't as great as the judges made it out to be.

Nina: "She is so resourceful. Even though she lost her Kitty Karry-All doll, she just kept working and did her best."

Both of Viktor's looks are impeccable. The winner is obvious.

Too bad the winner wasn't obvious to the judges. They give the win to Anya because they feel bad about her doll.

Anthony Ryan is out. Sorry, Anthony Ryan!

Joshua says he wasn't alive in the 70s so he doesn't understand the Carol Brady look. The other designers delicately point out that he is an idiot:

Viktor: "I wasn't alive in the 70s either, but I've watched television."

Josh: "Yes, but not everyone is like you! I spend all my time staring into the mirror! How am I supposed to know anything about the rest of the world?"

Kimberly: "I think it is important for fashion designers to know something about the Carol Brady look."

Bert: "Yeah, that's what designing is all about -- Carol Brady. Now, just tell us where the doll is and we'll forget about the whole thing."

Josh storms out of the room, which is the only way he knows how to leave a room. He is very depressed:

He thinks really hard about what to do:

He finally decides to hang himself in his closet:

No! Don't do it, Josh! You have so much to live for! 

Oh, wait, Tim finds Anya's Kitty Karry-All doll! Swatch the dog stole it and hid it in his dog house. It was in there the whole time! 

That darn dog!

[insert laugh track here]

Shout out to Other Eric for his Brady Bunch DVD collection!