Project Runway Season Ten Finale, Part One: Host Hunters!

Heidi Klum, a reality television host and recent divorcee, is looking for a new home. But will her budget match her lofty expectations?

Heidi: "Moving back in with my mom has been really hard. It's time to get a place of my own."

Helping her in her search is real estate mentor Tim Gunn. He knows he has his work cut out for him.

Tim: "So, Heidi, tell me what you're looking for in a home."

Heidi: "Well, I have twelve children, so I'd really like a place that's out in the country so they have plenty of space to run around. But I also need to be right in the middle of the city so that I can walk to shops and restaurants."

Tim: "right."

Heidi: "Also, with sixteen children, I need at least two bathrooms. That's a deal breaker for me."

Tim: "of course."

Heidi: "The kitchen is really important. I never cook but I do occasionally look at it, so it needs to be amazing. And I have twenty three children, so I need a walk-in closet."

Tim: "You have a lot on your wish list. What's your budget?"

Heidi: "Thirty million dollars."

Tim: "Well, I'm going to be blunt: you may need to compromise on either space or location. But I have a few places in mind and I'm confident we can find you something you're going to love."

Heidi: "Great, I'm excited to get started!"

House One:

The first house they visit is in Massapequa, New York. It's a four-bedroom split-level with a one-car garage. It's on the market for $430,000.

Tim: "This one is not in the middle of the city, but it is a little under your thirty million dollar budget, which will leave you enough money to buy a private jet."

Heidi: "Why would you choose to show me this?"

Tim: "I would have loved to have shown you something else, but I ran out of time. Shall we head inside and take a look? You'll notice it has wall to wall floors."

Heidi: "I love that it has windows in the living room! And you can look through them into the yard!"

Tim: "Isn't that nice? Now, if you'll come through here, this room is the kitchen. You can tell because it's the room with the stove and refrigerator in it."

Heidi: "I've never seen so many desserts in all my life!"

Tim: "Yes, the current owners are Italian."

Heidi: "I see."

Tim: "So, what did you think of this first place?"

Heidi: "Well, there were definitely some nice details, but the overall look was really boring and it was pretty skimpy."

House Two:

Working mom Heidi is ready for a change and is looking for a new home. The first house she saw was under budget but the location wasn't ideal and it lacked some of the drama she was craving. So her real estate mentor, Tim, is trying something different with a unique house in New York City:

Joining Heidi on the search today are the members of the Duck Dynasty:

Willie is the CEO and resident prankster

Phil is the patriarch of the family and a living legend in Louisiana

Jase is Willie's brother and his polar opposite

Si is Phil's brother, best friend, and partner in crime

Fabio is still trying to fit in, but he sure loves making handcrafted duck calls

House two is a one-room duck blind that comes in right on budget at thirty million dollars.

Tim: "It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but it's really priced to sell."

Heidi: "It's definitely unique. I haven't seen anything else like it. I just wish it were more luxurious."

Tim: "I think you might have to adjust your expectations."

Heidi: "Well, it's something to think about. I'll keep it on the list."

House Three:

Mentor Tim has shown Heidi two houses so far. House one was under budget but was too far away. House two was right in the city but needed some work. Today Tim is taking Heidi to Jersey City to try to find the best of both worlds.

House three is inspired by organic architecture. It's a bit over budget at one hundred million dollars.

Tim: "I know it's over budget, but that's what you have to spend to live in Jersey City. Besides, it comes with its own shopping mall. And it has those granite countertops you won't shut up about!"

Heidi: "It does tick a lot of boxes. I love the cut-outs and it's obviously very well constructed. I just worry about the styling. Is there maybe too much going on with this design?"

Tim: "Something to think about."

Heidi: "Yep, something to think about."

So, which of these three houses will she choose? Will it be house number one, with ...

Tim: "WAIT! There's one more!"

I'm sorry, that's not possible. There are always three.

Tim: "No, they are all so good we couldn't narrow it down to three. There's a fourth."

Very well, we have a fourth. So, Heidi is a single mom anxious to find a new home for her growing family ...

Tim: "Stop telling us that and just get on with it!"

But I can't introduce the next house without telling you all the ridiculous problems with the previous houses!

Tim: "Well, make it quick."

OK, so house one was under budget, but a microscopic crack on one wall indicated severe structural problems and obviously we were all hoping for a stainless steel refrigerator. House two had a perfect location but the lack of windows and a roof could be an issue. House three had all the space Heidi needs, but it's just plain tacky. For house four Tim is thinking outside the box and taking Heidi to San Francisco to see an under budget charmer that could meet all her needs.

Melissa's sister and dentist

Heidi: "There's no doubt who designed this! I just wish it had a little more impact."

So, will she pick the skimpy bargain, the quirky fixer-upper, the tacky townhouse, or the Gothic charmer?

Heidi: "Ooh, this is going to be such a tough decision!"

Why don't you start by eliminating one?

Heidi: "OK, let's see ... I can't do it! I'll take them all!"

Well, as we know, she's already picked the house and gone through escrow, but whatever. We'll play along.

"What a load of crap"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode 12: Clueless!

The year is 1954 and our last five designers have been invited to a beautiful mansion outside the city:

Hill House, somewhere outside the city

They are met by Tim Gunn, who explains why they are there:

Tim: "You have all been summoned here by a man from L'Oreal. He is the man who has been blackmailing you and I have been given instructions that you must follow. You must create avant-garde looks for L'Oreal's new makeup line based on Hollywood clichés:

Dmitry: "If we refuse, will he reveal our darkest secrets?"

Tim: "No. But he will make sure your hair never looks quite right ever again."

Christofur: "Oh, my god, he's a monster!"

So, it's a two-day challenge, they have $400, Sonjia loses her fabric and then, after dinner, the lights go out and the next thing you know the L'Oreal guy is dead!

Tim: "This is one of the most grisly murders in Project Runway history! OK, designers, time to send your models down to hair and makeup."

Now on to the runway, with guest judge Some Actress With Nothing Interesting To Say:

Dmitry

Dmitry is designing for the Black Widow. He makes her a 1980s power suit. It's nicely tailored but is in no way avant-garde. I feel the look could use some rope. Maybe as a belt?

Christofur

Christofur gets the Sex Kitten. He creates a pastiche of old costumes. It's part Mae West and part Dior's New Look. But not in a good way. I liked the padded hip, and the candlestick accessory is perfect, but he needed to do something to make it modern.

Fabio

Fabio gets the Society Dame. It's a little bit all over the place. But that fox stole is fabulous! And it can be worn upside down! For no reason! It's the closest thing to being avant-garde on the runway this week. The only complaint I have is that the dagger is a little obvious.

What do you think, Heidi?

Heidi: "I hated it ... so ... much ... it ... it ... the ... the flames ... flames on the side of my face ... breathing ... breath ... heaving breath ..."

OK, we get it. You don't like it.

Melissa

Melissa also gets the Sex Kitten, because apparently Hollywood ran out of archetypes and two designers have to do the same one. Don't ask. Anyway, the judges love the dramatic collar, but I thought it was just OK.

Sonjia

Sonjia gets the Dead Singing Telegram Girl. I guess someone had to. It's a disaster.

Time to hear from the judges. This is going to be brutal!

Heidi: "We were very impressed! That was one of the best runways we've ever seen! You all did a great job!"

Really? I'm sorry, but I'm wondering if we saw the same runway.

Heidi: "Oh, I think I know what happened; we shot three alternate endings for this episode. So you probably saw one of the bad ones. Also, you might not know who really won or who was out. Most importantly, you know that shockingly hideous dress I was wearing at the beginning of the episode?"

Yes!

Heidi: "Well, you didn't actually see me wearing that."

Now that you mention it, I do remember not seeing you wearing that dress. How strange.

Ending A:

So, in the first ending, Christofur is the murderer, Fabio is sent home, and Tim reveals that he is an undercover FBI agent.

Ending B:

In the second ending, Fabio is the murderer, Tim is sent home, and Nina Garcia is exposed as a Soviet spy.

Ending C:

In the third ending, we find out that all the designers committed the murder, Tim reveals that he is really Michael Kors in disguise, and the person we thought was Michael Kors admits to being an impostor who has been trying to make granny panties popular.

So, to make a long story short ...

Everyone: "Too late!"

Well, I don't know which version of the show you saw, but the one thing we know for certain is that the L'Oreal guy was murdered with the HP notebook in the Brother sewing room. 

Tim: "The man had to be stopped! He was trying to bring back Lee Press-On Nails, for crying out loud! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to sleep with my wife!"

Leslie Ann Warren is shocked.

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Eleven: Toddlers and Tedium!

For this challenge, the designers have to make baby clothes for robots.

Tim: "You're going to get your very own Haley Joel Osment to take care of!"



Fabio: "OH, MY GOD! I've always wanted my own Haley Joel Osment! Can I keep him? I'm going to flip the switch on the back of his head so that he loves me forever!"

oh, this is not going to end well.

OK, so remember when you were watching the film "A.I." and you were wondering if you would die of boredom before you died of old age? Well, try to think about that while you are watching this show. It will give you perspective.

Anyway, as I was saying, Heidi has a new line of robot clothes that will be sold at Robots R Us stores across the country. It's a niche market, but it's growing, and I think she's smart to get in on it now.

Heidi needs some free designs and some free advertising for her new line. Why? Because she is going through some personal issues at the moment and all her money is tied up in cash.

On to the runway, with guest judge Hillary Duff. The twist for this challenge is that the designs will be worn by actual human babies, instead of the robot babies, as we had been led to believe. The human babies are barely able to walk the runway without major assistance. They are clearly drunk. It's disgraceful.

Sonjia made a little grey suit that is totally adorable. She wins for the boys look:

Nina: "This look is so versatile. I can definitely see a baby wearing this to the office and then out for a night on the town. I love it!"

Christofur made a little dress with applied flowers and a white jacket. It's very cute, if a little dressy. He wins for the girls look.

Melissa is on the bottom. She made a terrible white dress that was riding up:

Nina: "No baby wants to show that much diaper. It just looks trashy."

Heidi: "Yeah, I'm all about showing some diaper, but even I think that's too much."

Michael: "Besides, the crotch on that diaper is insane!"

Melissa couldn't even finish her look in time and she had to ask her baby for sewing help:



That's just wrong! That baby needed time for hair and makeup!

Elena actually made really great pieces. Unfortunately, while it was way better than Melissa's mess, Elena's pieces didn't work perfectly together and the outfit was a little busy:

Michael: "That baby looks like she was shopping at a sample sale."

Nina: "Yeah, the other babies are going to ridicule her. She'll never be able to show her face in public again. Elena, you've ruined that baby's life!"

In possibly the worst decision of the season, Elena is sent home because Nina doesn't like her.

Project Runway, Season Ten, Episode Ten: How do you get to Radio City Music Hall?

The same way you get to Carnegie Hall. You take a cab. So, last week America's sweethearts, Gunnar and Christofur, were split up:

Christofur: "Whatever shall I do without him?"

Gunnar: "Be strong for me!"

This week the designers have to make a rocket costume:

Seriously? These challenges get more ridiculous every week!

Tim: "I think you'll find you made a typo when you were taking your notes."

That does sound like something I would do.

Tim: "The designers will actually be making Rockettes costumes."

Oh, that's much better!

Tim: "Are you being sarcastic?"

No, not at all!

Tim: "Good. Because I am not above bitch-slapping that bitch"

The designers have hundreds of dollars and several days for this challenge. The results are even worse than usual, so obviously time and money are not the issue.

They go out to dinner and get drunk. It's nice that they get to have a little break, although it would be a little more relaxing between challenges, instead of in the middle of one. I don't blame Sonjia for having trouble relaxing. Especially with that piece of crap waiting for her on her dress form.

Ven has some wine and gets all emotional. Well, as emotional as a robot can get. He tells us about his life:

Ven: "I spent a lot of time playing with myself."

Elena: "I feel like I understand him now."

Melissa has never made a dance costume before. That's not exactly surprising, but several other designers actually have made dance costumes before.

Anyway, Melissa also apparently has never sewn a garment before, or gone shopping before, because all the other designers are helping her with everything.

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Christofur, I love that. The only thing it needs is some sheer fabric with little sequins to represent a starry sky."

Christofur: "Yeah, that would be great. The only problem is I DON'T HAVE THAT!"

Tim: "No problem. I'll take care of it."

Tim tells the designers they get to go back to Mood so that Christofur can get the fabric he needs to win the challenge.

Elena, meanwhile, is making a cheerleader outfit that she and everyone else hates. Her return trip to Mood does not help at all:

Elena: "I freak out and buy more sparkles!"

Is it just me, or is Elena turning into Kathy Griffin?

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Debra Messing:

Sonjia made a costume for Seussical the Musical:

Other Eric: "It looks a little cocktail."

Me: "Are you insane?"

Michael Kors: "No, he's right; it's like a shortened cocktail dress."

Other Eric: "Ha! Michael Kors agrees with me!"

Great. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

Dmitry made a sexy asymmetrical skating costume for Johnny Weir:

I like it. I'm just not sure asymmetry is the right design choice for the Rockettes. I think it would be distracting.

Christofur wins with his tribute to the New York City skyline. When I first saw his sketch I was worried, but he really did a good job:

Michael Kors: "It's very New York!"

Finally, in a shocking turn of events, the judges actually eliminate the the designer of the worst garment. Ven is out for his super boring dress. Bye, Ven. I hope the show can survive the loss of your bubbly personality.

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Nine: All About Me!

Margo Channing: "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!"

That's right, Margo! I've managed to make this episode of Project Runway all about me. Just like every episode. The challenge this week is to create a design based on your cultural heritage, something most of us don't have! So, my challenge this week is to find a cultural heritage. Time to hit Ancestry.com:

OK, Ancestry.com, tell me what my cultural heritage is. Ooh, there's a little leaf telling me I have a clue! ... well, no cultural heritage yet. Let's go back a few more generations ... nope, still no cultural heritage.

Matthew Broderick: "But you have an ancestor who fought in the Civil War, just like me! That's amazing!"

Almost everyone has ancestors who fought in the Civil War, you dumbass. Anyway, that doesn't help. Let's go back a few more generations ... um, OK, maybe a few more ... we're going to hit some cultural heritage at some point, right?

Got it! My fifteenth great grandfather was from Wales! That makes me one thirty-two-thousandth Welsh! Jealous?

Ah, yes, I remember my fifteenth great grandfather always used to say to me, "Mae hi'n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn." I thought he was senile, but now I know he was just Welsh.

Right, OK, now I have to design a garment based on my Welsh ancestry ... uh ... you know what? Screw it, I'm just going to ignore the challenge and do whatever I want.

Designers: "That's what we're doing, too!"

Yeah, I don't blame you. That part of the challenge is ridiculous. The main part of the challenge (and apparently the only part of the challenge) is the textile design. That's right, the textile design challenge! Of all the Project Runway challenges, this is definitely one of them. As always, I will point out that the designers are not actually designing a textile; they are creating a design that will be printed onto a textile.

Tim: "And to help with this challenge, you will all be getting the new iPhone 5!"

Designers: "OH, MY GOD!! REALLY?!!!"

Tim: "No, of course not!"

Designers: "You suck."

Time for the surprise guests. The designers' mothers walk into the work room, bringing the designers their Ancestry.com dossiers, telling most of them that they have no cultural heritage.

So, there are a few MILFs in the work room, but I have to say Fabio's mom is probably the hottest:

Fabio's mom

Yeah, she's fit!

Fabio: "Gross! That's my mom you're talking about!"

Time for the runway, with guest judges Mondo and Anya:

Sonjia made a really nice print pant, based on her cultural heritage of being American:

Mondo: "I love it! She should win!"

She should. Instead, Dmitry wins with a really cool black jacket with cut-outs over a nice print top. It was  an interesting idea, because the jacket required a print top to accentuate the movement, but that doesn't change the fact that you can barely see the print and, as Mondo reminded us, this is a print challenge.

Elena made a cute dress in a really weird print. I would ask her what it has to do with Ukrainian culture, but I'm too scared.

Christofur made a truly horrible dress. It's one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that.

Ven also made a truly horrible dress. It's also one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that, either.

As bad as Ven's dress is, it was actually worse before Tim told him to change it. In an unusual move, Heidi asks to have Tim brought to her:

Heidi: "Bring me Tim Gunn!"

Tim is dragged into the studio:

Tim: "This better be important. You interrupted my pilates class."

Heidi: "We just want you to tell us how much Ven sucks."

Tim: "Oh. Pretty hard."

Heidi: "Thank you."

The judges do nothing with this information.

Fabio made a print vest over a black jumpsuit. The garment is fine, but the boring print fabric is muted with black crepe so it's barely noticeable.

Melissa made a nice red dress in honor of the 2008 Polish Olympic team:

Gunnar made a white print jacket over a short black skirt. It's better than Christofur's dress, but it's still pretty bad. The print has images of birds and hands, to celebrate his cultural heritage of being bullied:

Gunnar: "When you say it out loud, it doesn't make much sense, does it?"

No, it doesn't. So, Gunnar is out. I think the judges and the other designers were a little unfair to him this season:

Gunnar: "Yes, well, that's my cultural heritage. it's like I always say, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

What does that have to do with anything?

Gunnar: "I DON'T KNOW!!!"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Eight: Fractured Fairy Tales!

We start the episode with Christofur being upset about the fact that Gunnar wasn't sent home last time:

Christofur: "Ooh, I am so upset."

Well, that was ugly. I'm sorry you all had to witness that.

The designers enter the workroom and come face to face with their worst nightmare:

Tori Spelling: "Hi, everyone"

Designers: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

That's right; the designers have to make crafty t-shirt projects using popsicle sticks and strings of popcorn. And they will be working in three teams of three:

Team Don't Worry About Me I'm Fine is Christofur, Sonjia, and Gunnar.

Team I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up is Ven, Melissa, and Fabio.

Team Someone Please Kill Me Now is Dmitry, Elena, and Alicia.

Dmitry and Elena are arguing over what to stick on their crappy t-shirts:

Dmitry: "Ooh, look at what I found. It's a boat covered in rubies."

Elena: "Ugh. That is so tacky."

Dmitry: "Hey, it has someone's name on it."

Elena: "Let me see that. Oh, my god, Dmitry, you just found the ruby yacht of Omar Khayyam!"

Dmitry: "Well, I think we should stick it on a t-shirt."

Christofur: "Oy, it's like listening to Rocky and Bullwinkle."

The teams go out to the streets of New York, home to the friendliest people on earth. Everyone is thrilled to stop and chat with strangers begging for money. However, nobody seems to want to buy their awful t-shirts. Until they only have a few minutes left, and then suddenly they can't keep up with demand and they end up with hundreds of dollars in cash:

Anya: "I can hold on to that cash for you."

Don't do it.

Anya: "No, seriously, It will be nice and safe, right here in my bra. Wait, what happened to my bra?"

Kara Janx: "Did you lose something, too? I can't find my Barbie hat anywhere. Have you seen it?"

Kara, you can stop looking for your Barbie hat. You don't need it.

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Anna Sui, who informs us that teamwork is the most important thing in fashion design:

Michael Kors: "Screw teamwork! I do whatever the hell I want!"

The weird part of this challenge is having three people create two looks. The math just doesn't work out. There is no good way to split the responsibilities evenly. And I'm not sure what we learn from this exercise.

Anyway, Team Don't Worry About Me I'm Fine did the best job of figuring it out. Gunnar created two dresses, both of which were covered up by the pieces made by Sonjia and Christofur. So he worked on both looks, but since his pieces were covered by the single pieces made by his teammates, it kind of evens out. And that ridiculousness was actually the best way to go. The judges liked both looks and all four pieces and Sonjia wins the challenge.

Team I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up did a bad job. Both looks were very Fabio. they had kind of a cool, grungy feel that I didn't totally hate, but they looked really cheap, especially compared to what the other two teams created for less money. Fabio ended up in the bottom two, but all three on this team end up being safe.

Team Someone Please Kill Me Now was also a mess. All three members of the team had problems. Dmitry and Elena spent the challenge arguing with each other. Dmitry made another nice dress, this time with reversed darts, which everyone acted like they had never seen before, and then he covered the whole thing with a giant blanket. Elena made a huge sloppy coat.

Meanwhile, Alicia spend the challenge doing what she does best: making absolutely no impact at all. She made a boring top over a pair of So Slimming Pants from Chico's:

Michael Kors: "How did you make that really skinny model look so slim?"

Chico's: "It's our little secret!"

So, yeah, Alicia's contribution was pretty bland. Elena helpfully offered to completely cover up everything Alicia made so the judges wouldn't see it at all:

Elena: "I'm a giver. It's what I do."

That's sweet. Unfortunately, the judges do actually get to see Alicia's garments and they send her home.

Alicia: "I had so much more to show you."

More? You were going to show us more? I would have been thrilled if you had shown us ANYTHING AT ALL!

Sorry, I really like Alicia and was looking forward to seeing her designs, but this show is clearly not the right venue for her talents.

Well, tune in next week, when I'm sure something really exciting will happen.

Dmitry: "Hey, Elena, want to see me pull a simple, beautifully-tailored dress out of a hat?"

Elena: "Aw, not that old trick."

Project Runway Season Ten, episode seven: The progress of our values!

That's right, the progress of our values! It's a phrase that doesn't mean anything at all, but if you say it people will cheer! Because people love values! And people love the word "values" randomly linked to other words that sound good! Yay!

For this challenge, the designers take a field trip to the flagship store of Lord & Taylor, where they find a line of the most boring dresses you have ever seen, created by designers from previous seasons. We meet the president of Lord & Taylor:

Mitt Romney: "This president promises to slow the rise of sea level. What a joke. I pledge to flood New Orleans on a regular basis!"

wrong president

Mitt Romney: "He sure is!"

No, I mean you're complaining about the wrong president. This is a lovely woman who is the president of a department store chain.

Mitt Romney: "oh. Well, I probably gave her that job. I give lots of jobs to women. Obviously they don't need jobs, because their husbands can take care of them, but I think it's cute that they try."

Yes, well, anyway, back to the boring dresses at Lord & Taylor. Can the president please explain this to me?

The President of the United States: "My opinion on this matter is still evolving, so I generally leave these decisions to Michelle."

NO! THE OTHER PRESIDENT!

The President of Lord & Taylor: "Oh, yes, of course. The Lord & Taylor customer loves fashion, but not enough to actually buy something fashionable. She wants something that's cheap for an expensive dress, but expensive for a cheap dress, if you know what I'm saying."

I know exactly what you're saying. The designers will need to make really boring dresses that will retail for $200-$300.

The designers do a good job. I think most of the dresses are easily boring enough to meet the criteria of the challenge. They mostly make little black dresses. Which would have been really good, if this had been an LBD challenge. But it wasn't. Except, I guess it sort of was. Whatever.

Ven, Dmitry, and Sonjia are safe. Ven deserved to be safe, with his tacky, but adequately constructed dress. It looked a bit like the model's chest was collapsing:

Yeah, sort of like that, but not as cool.

Dmitry's was better than most of the designs this week, though the back was not as good as the front. Sonjia's was horrible and she should have been on the bottom. I get the retro 1980s vibe, but there is no way a Lord & Taylor customer is wearing that dress. No. Way.

Elena created a poorly-fitted little black dress. It's weird. I like weird. Her clothes tend to make her model look very thick waisted. But if it had fit better, I think it would have looked pretty good. The judges like it, shocking everyone who has eyes. I'm shocked. Elena is shocked. The judges pretend to be shocked that Elena is shocked, even though they obviously knew she would expect them to hate it, which they probably would have, except they were trying to shock us. And they did. Have I mentioned that I was shocked?

Melissa created a sheath dress of stiff bronze fabric, with a cool neckline and a really stupid asymmetrical hem. She's in the top four with Elena.

Christofur created a gown with a shredded blush top and black skirt. It's very nice (nice is boring). He's also in the top four.

Fabio created a pretty little black dress. It's also very nice (getting sleepy now). He rounds out the top four. Fabio is wearing a garland of flowers in his hair, like a hippie:

Fabio: "My foreign policy is Make love, not war."

Condoleezza Rice: "OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

The bottom two are Alicia and (GASP) Gunnar! Look, I totally agree with the judges that Gunnar's dress put the B in boring, but that's exactly why it should have won this challenge. Gunnar and I thought they were supposed to make boring dresses. Gunnar and I totally agree on this. Gunnar and I don't know why I keep saying "Gunnar and I." Gunnar and I have never met.

Alicia, obviously, has been a perpetual bottom dweller and one of these weeks she's got to go. But her awful dress was not a total failure. It was even weirder than Elena's. And if it hadn't looked like total shit I think I might have liked it. She really needs to improve her construction skills.

Anyway, Alicia is safe! Meaning Gunnar is ... also safe! I was shocked! But it makes a little more sense now. Because Gunnar's dress was obviously not the worst thing out there. But they decided to keep everyone, which meant they could go through the elimination process in any order they wanted. So they chose to be shocking. And it worked. Did I mention I was shocked?

So, yeah, there was a lot of crying in this episode, both in despair and in joy:

Clint Eastwood: "I haven't cried this much since Oprah caused the recession!"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Six!

OK, so the big news last week was that all the remaining designers quit the show and basically nobody noticed the difference.

Heidi, Michael, Nina, Tim, and some guy we are supposed to know, named Johnny Lavoy, try to figure out what to do:

Tim: "You know who Johnny Lavoy is!"

No, I really don't.

Tim: "Everyone knows who Johnny Lavoy is. Don't insult my intelligence by pretending you don't."

Fine. I'm a huge Johnny Lavoy fan and have been keeping up with his career for years."

Tim: "That's better."

Let's get back to the issue at hand: what are we going to do without the designers?

Nina: "Why don't we just pull some regular people in off the street. 

Michael: “You mean ‘real women’?”

Heidi: “That’s so crazy it just might work!”

Johnny Lavoy: “Why am I here?”

So, our new designers are:

Amanda is a social worker, who wears casual clothes every day. She needs a cocktail dress to wear to the office.

Jenna has a bubbly personality and loves color. She needs a severe black cocktail dress.

Kate is a woman in desperate need of a cocktail dress.

Terri needs business casual attire. She’ll be getting a cocktail dress.

Angela likes contrast. She likes her cocktail dresses to contrast hard and soft.

Martina likes cocktail dresses so she’ll be getting ... oh, what the hell, let’s give her a cocktail dress.

Kandace likes dresses. Good thing, because she’s getting a cocktail dress.

Lana is a performer who wants a classy cocktail dress with an exposed belly.

Ko-Rely only has friends who hyphenate their first names, like her friend Judah-Lev. She doesn’t like looking feminine. She’ll be getting a cocktail dress.

Kim needs a cocktail dress as big as her personality.

So, the runway is a disaster. Just like every week. Ko-Rely wins with her cool, edgy dress that seems to fit her personality perfectly. Lana is out with her hooker/ice-skating costume.

Meanwhile, Ven is spending time with Lars and the Real Girl:

Ven: “This is my first experience with a Real Girl. I really like her. She doesn't have her own opinions. I can tell her she’s fat right to her face and she doesn’t complain. From now on I’m only going to work with Real Girls.”

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Five: Working Girls!

Joanna Coles: "Marie Claire is launching a new publication called Marie Claire Working Girl, for the strong, powerful, and sophisticated women working in the world's oldest profession. It's the fastest growing segment of the fashion industry and we're very excited about it!"

That really is a huge untapped market! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

The designers will be working in two teams and they can't hide their enthusiasm:

Gunnar: "Teams are awesome!"

Raul: "I love working in a team!"

Elena: "Growing up in Ukraine, I was only able to survive through teamwork."

Ah, that's nice.

Elena: "Obviously, I had to kill off my teammates after I got what I needed from them, but the teamwork part was still really important."

Of course.

The teams are:

Team Six: Sonjia, Elena, Melissa, Dmitry, Alicia, and Raul

Team Five: Nathan, Ven, Christofur, Fabio, and Gunnar

Raul is picked last:

Raul: "I'll show them. I just have to punch them harder."

Well, that should work.

I can see a problem already with the teams. There are no women on Team Five. They don't know what a modern, sophisticated working girl wants to wear!

Each team has one designer who will end up on the bottom: Gunnar and Raul.

In the case of Gunnar, I really don't think it's his fault. He raised his objections to the stupid fabric choices and the inappropriate aesthetic that the rest of the team decided on, but was outvoted so he tried to do what the team wanted. Unfortunately, he couldn't figure out what his teammates wanted, so he ended up with a total mess.

And Raul is just a disaster, as usual.

OK, so they have to do a photo shoot. Elena, who is usually so calm and collected, becomes completely unhinged. She's screaming at everyone and complaining about the props:

Elena: "You can't have a chair in a photo! Chairs are what you sit in when you are going to the bathroom! Are you all crazy?"

Yes, we are all crazy. It isn't you.

Anyway, the teams finally manage to take some decent photos of the models looking like they are at work:

Ooh, that's very convincing!

Time for the runway:

Despite the fact that Team Six is clearly much better, we are told the score is tied. Team Six has a couple of duds, but on the whole, it's much more fresh and modern and Melissa wins:

Joanna Coles: "Oh, yes, I could definitely see a woman in either the street-walking or the legal profession wearing that!"

Michael Kors: "She looks like a hooker."

High praise, indeed, Michael.

Team Five has created a collection of old-fashioned resort wear:

Patty the Daytime Hooker: "Maybe if I were a nighttime hooker I could get away with wearing that. But I'm a daytime hooker, so I have to look good."

Patty knows what she's talking about. The only good thing in the collection is Christofur's skirt. He managed to turn an ugly fabric into something beautiful. Too bad picking an ugly fabric and making it beautiful was not the challenge this week. The judges loved Fabio's dress, but I thought it was ill-fitting and awful. Ven made something that would have been perfect for a working girl:

Specifically Ann Southern in the 1950s.

Raul is out again. He says goodbye in that special Raul way:

Raul: "Goodbye, everyone. Elena, I hate your guts."

Oh, my God, Raul, that is so rude. Of course you hate Elena; she's awful; everyone hates Elena. But the rest of us have the common courtesy to bitch about her behind her back. It's called manners.

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Four: Quitting Time!

Tim Gunn: "I have an announcement to make. Eric3000 left his hotel room in the middle of the night. We have every reason to believe he is still alive, but we have not been able to contact him."

Melissa: "Yeah, I just heard him mumble something about how the stupid Hilton doesn't have Lifetime Television and then he was gone."

Kooan: "That makes me sad. And being sad makes me not happy. If Eric3000 leaves, then I'm leaving, too."

Christofur: "Why does all this terrible stuff keep happening to me?"

I'm fine! Sorry to worry you!

Melissa: "I didn't really care."

Well, anyway, I'm staying at this stupid Hilton in San Diego and the only thing I needed was access to Lifetime, but apparently Cox Cable doesn't carry it."

Heidi: "Ha ha! You said Cox!"

Oh, grow up, Heidi. This is serious.

Heidi: "Look, maybe you just aren't cut out for this. This is a tough business. Instead of whining about not being able to watch on television, why don't you just watch the episode online?"

I can do that?

Heidi: "That's what I've been told. One of my dog's chef's personal assistants watches the show that way."

Wait, does your dog have more than one chef?

Heidi: "No, sorry, I have more than one dog, and each dog has its own chef. Each dog's chef, of course, has several personal assistants. I don't know how many. I can't be expected to keep track of these things."

I feel like we've gone off on a tangent. I've seen the show now, so maybe we should talk about that.

OK, so, Andrea and Kooan left the show. To make up for losing two designers, they bring back half a designer: Raul. That's Project Runway math. The designers meet Tim at Michael Kors' new lifestyle store. Because a lifestyle is a choice. And you buy it in a store.

Tim: "You have fifteen minutes to grab as much of this lifestyle crap as you can."

Michael Kors: "Wait, what?"

The designers go batshit crazy, ransacking the store.

Michael Kors: "Man, I just cleaned up in here."

They take their loot back to the design room to make garments for me, a blogger on the go. So here are the requirements:

1) They crank the shit out of the AC on Amtrak trains, so I will need a ski parka that will also be appropriate to wear outside, where it is over 100 degrees.

2) I will be doing a lot of walking and dragging around a suitcase, so obviously I will need extremely high platform stilettos.

3) I do not wear black.

GO!

Alicia made a pant and a white shirt. It's fine, but it's not really very versatile.

Melissa made a black and grey knit layered look. It's nice and it should keep me warm on the train, but she ignored my instruction, as usual, about not using black.

Fabio made a black and white dress with a bolero. Is he serious? I can't wear that!

Gunnar made a weird paneled skirt that is not nearly as ugly as his sketch.

Nathan made a pretty, if unexciting, mustard-colored dress.

Dmitry made a very nice grey jersey dress that only has one seam, which would be really impressive IF ANYONE CARED!

Ven made a nude cocktail dress that made me want to bang my head against the wall.

Raul is just a disaster.

Elena made a giant grey jacket.

Christofur made a black draped dress and almost made up for it with a nice leather jacket.

So, the best and the worst:

Buffi is out with a totally Buffi creation of pink chiffon over a zebra print. I feel like the judges wouldn't have hated it as much if it weren't so horribly constructed:

Buffi: "It only has seventy-two seams!"

That is surprising. Sonjia wins with another grey knit dress. There was a lot of grey and there were a lot of knit dresses on the runway, but I agree with the judges that this was probably the best. Oh, and did we mention the dress only has one seam?

Hayden Panettiere: "Sonjia, I would be totally honored to wear your dress to a red carpet event."

Sonjia: "OK. Who are you?"