Top Chef Reunion Episode!

I have no response to that.

Top Chef: Miami, episode 5: the Joey gets his head out of his ass episode!

Joey: "I can't do nothin' right."

Well, maybe you could start with your grammar.

We get a long montage about the amazing friendship between Casey and Lia. They will be best friends forever. Obviously, one of them will be going home tonight.

OK, so Maria Frumkin tells the chefs they have to make something using frozen pie crusts:

Chefs: "But we aren't pastry chefs!"

Oh, my god! Will you shut up about not being pastry chefs?! Just make something!

Padma: "Maria, can you give the chefs some advice for making something really good with these crappy things?"

Maria: "I would be happy to. You will really have to do something in order to make something good out of these pie crusts."

Well, armed with that invaluable advice, most of the chefs do a pretty good job. They make some really interesting things; a couple of desserts but mostly savory dishes. I don't remember many of them but I think the judge liked Tre's, Dale's, and Joey's. Hung used the recipe for a chocolate pie from the label of a Cool Whip container. The judge didn't like it:

Hung: "The flavors were all there."

It may have tasted fine but it was boring and it looked like shit.

Joey wins with a trio of tarts:

Joey: "I told everyone I had no dessert experience. But guess what ... I LIED! Suckers! Don't tell anyone."

Don't worry; your secret is safe with me.

Padma: "For the elimination challenge you will be preparing Latin dishes for the cast and crew of the telenovela Dame Chocolate. Obviously, they know their Latin food so they will hate everything you make. Good luck! Oh, and the schedule of filming can be very erratic so they never know exactly when they will need food to be ready for meal breaks. You will have three hours to prepare your food."

Chefs: "Woohoo! Three hours is so much time! This is great!"

Were you not paying attention? Padma basically just told you that you are not really going to have three hours because the filming schedule is going to change. But try to act surprised when Tom comes in and tells you the time has been cut.

Tom: "Can I have your attention, everyone?"

Chefs: "Oh, my god! That is a shocking development! What are we going to do?"

Tom: "I haven't even made the announcement yet."

Chefs: "Oh, right. Go ahead."

Tom: "It turns out the meal break has been moved up and you will only have an hour and a half to prepare the food instead of the three you were originally told."

Chefs: "Oh, my god! That is a shocking development! What are ..."

Tom: "Oh, shut up."

The chefs have to speed up their work. Hung is rushing around like a maniac. And he runs like a girl:

Hung: "Are you sure you want to say that while I'm holding this knife?"

You make a good point.

America votes on whether Padma, Tom, or Gail is sexiest. Personally, I would have picked Gail. She's pretty and has huge breasts; even bigger than Tom's. But, being the only man, Tom wins out among Bravo viewers. Congratulations Tom, you big, bald grouch!

Lia, Asian Sara, Casey, and Hung are the bottom four. Sara made guacamole and called it ceviche. Lia made some weird Mexican polenta. Casey's and Hung's dishes just weren't very good. Lia is out:

Casey: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Poor Casey. How will she go on?

Casey: "Oh, it's alright. I've gotten over it."

Howie and Joey are not fighting anymore. In fact, now they can't stop professing their love for each another:

Howie: "Your dish was the best!"

Joey: "No, your dish was the best!"

Howie: "Oh, stop; you're making me blush!"

Geez! Will you two just get a room?!

Howie wins a bottle of wine:

Joey: "OMG! I am so happy for him! He totally deserves it! Howie is such a great chef! And he's so cute!"

[OK, I made up that last part.]

Anyway, Joey won the quickfire, came in second in the elimination challenge, and stopped fighting with everyone. And that's the story of how Joey got his head out of his ass.

Just for Laughs! It's the Freshmaker!

Did anyone see the show "Just for Laughs" on ABC? We didn't intentionally watch it. It's a practical joke show but the soundtrack is only music and enough canned laughter to lead you to believe that something funny is happening.

Other Eric: "Is this show European? Why is there no dialogue?"

Me: "I know! It's like a Mentos commercial!"

Well, we figured out why the show is so weird. It's from Canada!

Thanks, Canada!

Top Chef: Miami: Episode 4 Recap: Group Therapy!

Did you enjoy that little break from Top Chef? Well, vacation's over, suckers!

Tonight's episode is brought to you by Alcoholics Anonymous and the guest judge for the quickfire is master mixologist Fat Boy Slim, the favorite DJ of middle-aged white guys! OK, let's mix it up on the dance floor and get those records spinning!

Padma: "What the hell are you talking about? A mixologist creates cocktails."

Oh. Well, in that case, I'm a little embarrassed about making Fat Boy Slim come all the way down here for nothing.

Fat Boy Slim: "Don't worry about it. It's not like I had anything better to do."

We are then introduced to Bombay Sapphire gin, that comes in a "plethora" of vapor-infused flavors. Everyone ignores the fact that they are standing in the middle of an extended commercial. I wish they had just brought that elephant from the commercial into the kitchen. Then, at least, the elephant in the room would have been literal.

The chefs are assigned cocktails and they have to pair them with appetisers. Casey knows how to pair wine but not cocktails. Hung says no cocktail is good enough to be paired with his food. Dale seems shocked that there is alcohol in his cocktail.

Hung is told by the guest judge that his dish isn't paired very well with his cocktail.

Hung: "So sweet doesn't go with creamy?"

Oh! Burn! He did NOT just say that! I don't think the guest judge will ever recover his dignity after being slammed like that!

Hung: "Well, I think he was confused so I had to call him out on it."

It really, really pains me to say this but I think Hung is kind of an asshole.

Hung: "YES! Finally! Thank you!"

Casey wins immunity with her foie gras french toast and, according to the editing, spends the rest of the episode eating sandwiches, laying in bed, and hiding in the walk-in refrigerator.

For the elimination challenge the chefs will form four teams of three, with each team creating a trio plate consisting of one main ingredient prepared three ways. Got that? They pick names out of a pot to see who is in each team and then argue about what each team is going to make and whether they need dessert.

Dale: "I'm switching teams!"

You're going straight?

Dale: "No, I'm going to make dessert."

Well, that's even more ridiculous. Dale manages to find two other chefs willing to try to make dessert. I have to say that if I'm eating a multi-course meal I want some damn dessert! So I'm glad they are going for it, even though it is a suicide mission. Seriously, every season the chefs always make a big deal about how none of them is a pastry chef. I completely understand that baking is a very exacting science and it is difficult to do without a recipe. But if you are going to go on a competition show like this, you should take the time to memorize a few basic dessert recipes. Even I can make a simple cake batter without a recipe. And, of course, there are plenty of desserts that don't involve baking at all. Of course we've seen some decent desserts on this show (last season had a few) but everyone always acts like they are being asked to perform brain surgery.

Anyway, they are sent to the market without enough money to buy ingredients, for some reason.

The team doing the first course is Lia, Brian, and Hung. They went to get scallops but the scallops were frozen so they bought shrimp instead.

The team doing the second course is Casey, Joey, and Howie. They were going to do duck but they couldn't figure out how much the duck costs so they bought salmon instead. They have to change all their plans so Casey has a snack and takes a nap.

The team doing the third course is C.J., Asian Sara, and Tre. They are doing filet mignon and truffles. Surprisingly, this is expensive.

Dale: "They are not taking risks. Just doing a little seared piece of beef? Hung's monkey could do that."

Hung: "Leave my monkey out of this!"

The team doing the fourth course is Dale, Cheesy Sara, and Camille. We are told, "they didn't have to do dessert but they chose to do it anyway," about two dozen times. We get it! Dale thinks he is the one who chose pineapple:

Dale: "I said, 'make it fun, make it fruity, make it gay!'"

Everyone: "Make it gay, make it gay, make it gaaaaay!"

I love it when everyone sings!

OK, so they are making dinner for the Shane Rotisserie-Chicken Dining Club, or something like that. Who are these freaks? They are wearing ribbons and medals like they just won best in breed at the Westminster Kennel Club. Other Eric and I are pretty sure one of them is Chip from The Amazing Race. I guess eating live octopus qualified him to be in this club.

Everyone loves the shrimp course. I'm not going to mention Hung's foam, though.

Ted: "The shrimp course was like poetry. But, like, good poetry. Not like most poetry, which is shit."

All three parts of the dish were good but the judges chose Lia as the winner:

Guest Judge: "I'd like to invite you to the Hamptons."

Padma: "Well, that's a little inappropriate."

Guest Judge: "No; I'm inviting her to participate in a charity event."

Padma: "Oh, that's alright, then."

The beef course was pretty good. The salmon course was bad. Casey's was apparently terrible but she has immunity so she may be responsible for sending home either Joey or Howie:

Casey: "You've laid a guilt blanket on me."

What?

Casey: "You know; like a blanket but instead of being made out of yarn, it's made out of guilt."

Oh. Right.

The dessert course was total crap. Camille's cake was like English desserts, which I would have taken as a compliment but which Chip meant as an insult. No one mentions Dale's dessert, which sounded delicious; but he gets blamed for making the decision to do dessert in the first place and for choosing the totally gay ingredient of pineapple. Cheesy Sara did not fool Tom by freezing her pannecotta and calling it semifreddo:

Tom: "I'm not as stupid as I look."

Well, this has been a good group therapy session for Casey, Joey, and Howie. Joey and Howie patched up their differences through their mutual disdain for Casey during most of the episode and then they made up with Casey at the end when she apologized for making the worst dish in the history of food.

Ah, everyone is happy! Oh, except for Camille, of course. She's gone.

Shout-Out Time! It's link-a-licious!

It's been a little while since I've lavished praises on everyone!

I was tagged with a Thinking Blogger Award (started at The Thinking Blog) by Doralong of What Would Jackie Wear so I just wanted to thank her for that. I'm supposed to tag five other thinking bloggers but I think I'll just mention some people here.

(This reminds me that the HoInMo tagged me a while ago on International Blogging Day to write about why I blog but I didn't get around to it then.)

First, let's go back into the mists of time, to the prehistoric period of Eric Three Thousand: January 2006:

The quick and yet still amazingly boring story about how I started blogging: It started with Other Eric (of Everything Eric) forcing me to watch Project Runway and me becoming obsessed. While reading Manolo's Shoe Blog I learned about Blogging Project Runway. At some point I had to create a blogger account in order to comment on BPR and that is how Eric3000 came to be. It turned out there was already a blog called Eric3000, though, so I had to actually name my blog Eric Three Thousand. I didn't really think much about it since I was the only Eric3000 commenting on BPR. Why Eric3000? I had a little crush on André Benjamin. Simple as that. (Oh, I've subsequently done searches and learned that there are a number of Eric3000s on the web. I've been thinking about finding all of them and doing a post about that.)

Anyway, my first actual post, in September of 2006, was about how disappointed I was in the stupid television show Fashion House! I know! Such humble beginnings. Soon after that, however, I started writing recaps of Project Runway, to which the wonderful people at BPR were kind enough to link. I got most of my early readers through BPR. I also have to thank the boys at Project Rungay for their early support!

But enough about me! Let's talk about you. What do you think of me? OK, seriously, as far as other thinking bloggers, I'd like to mention a few that I read regularly who write about serious as well as fun topics. One of my favorites is Lynette at Big Ass Bell. She updates her blog constantly and always finds interesting things to write about. There are two others who, like me, were writing a lot about Bravo programs and recently have been covering more political topics: Trixie at Kora in Hell and Ms. Place at Dishin' dat. (Let me also take this opportunity to mention Ms. Place's Jane Austen blog, Jane Austen's World, which I also love. I keep forgetting to add it to my links.)

Also check out my other links. I'm sure they are all thinking bloggers!

My, What Big Carbon Footprints You Have!

Six hours of Fergie at Wembly Stadium weren't enough for you last Sunday? Well, lucky you, she's screeching the same songs today for 22 straight hours in order to combat global warming!

OK, so while watching Madonna, Al Gore, Robert Redford, and (of course) Snoop Dog save the planet, I finally decided to try and figure out my carbon footprint. Have you tried to do this? Frankly, I was scared to do it, which is why it took me so long. I know I'm probably more eco-friendly than your average American but I know I can do a lot better.

Anyway, I tried about a dozen different carbon calculators online and they are pretty disappointing. They don't go into much detail and the results vary widely. I produce somewhere between four and ten tons of carbon a year and am somewhere between "below average" and "average" for an American. That's not very helpful. Actually, most of the sites said I was below average so that's good. One said I produce nine tons while the average American produces 18! I know, right? I've been holding back on my carbon emissions but I guess I can go crazy now!

So, like I said, I'm not very impressed by the accuracy of these calculators. But I did learn two interesting things. First, I took two flights in the past year and that could be responsible for as much as forty percent of my carbon emissions! Two flights are almost equal to a year's worth of driving and air-conditioning! I knew airplanes created a lot of pollution but I still found that surprising.

The second interesting thing I learned is that you can buy off the environment. Cheap. That's right, just like indulgences in the Catholic church, you can send money to environmental groups to make up for your carbon sins. One organization told me that I would be carbon neutral if I just send them $29 a year! Cool; that's much easier than conserving energy!

I was really hoping the calculators would go into more detail about my eco-friendliness. Instead, I'll write about what a horrible/saintly person I am here.

Flying: Like I said, I had no idea my holidays were quite so terrible for the environment. It's not like I'm flying on a private jet. But I don't make lots of short flights and I don't fly for business so think I'm pretty good compared to many people.

Driving: My annual mileage is pretty low: around 8,000 miles. My commute to work is only about 12 miles. Unfortunately it takes me about an hour to drive that 12 miles. I know everyone complains about their commute but I'm proud to say that I actually get to drive on officially the worst freeway interchange in the United States: the intersection of the 405 and the 101. I'm not exaggerating; it's the worst in the country! God, that transition sucks! What was I talking about? Oh, yeah; the point is I don't get great gas mileage because most of my driving is in that awful traffic. But I do have my new Honda Civic. It's not a hybrid but I get about 28 miles to the gallon (it's supposed to get 40 highway) and that's almost twice the mpg of my last car.

I feel pretty good about the improvement in gas mileage over my last car. Of course, I could do much better by carpooling or taking the bus but I just don't do it. I've tried carpooling and it's just such a pain in the ass. I tend to stay at work longer than many people want to because I use the gym there. I also like to be a little flexible in my hours; I don't want to worry about running a little late in the morning or leaving late one night to make up for leaving early another night. I know I'm just being selfish. Also, I tried carpooling with a girl from France who drove like a maniac. I assumed it was because she was European but it turned out she had just gotten her driver's license. And the day after we stopped carpooling her car went spinning out of control on Sunset Blvd. (don't worry, she was fine). I lost my taste for carpooling after that. And don't get me started about the bus; I'll just start sobbing uncontrollably.

Power: I don't think we are too bad here. In my last little studio apartment I didn't have air conditioning so I hardly used any electricity. Eric and I use a lot more electricity because we have central air and we have to use it much of the year. We both have trouble sleeping and need it quite cold. We do turn the temperature up during the day. And we almost never have to use the heating in the winter because, our apartment being on the top floor and getting lots of sun, gets really hot in the summer but stays pretty warm in the winter.

We finally went out and bought those funny curly light bulbs that use something like 80 percent less energy. You're welcome! Unfortunately, we can't use them in all our light fixtures because they only seem to come in one size and some of our lights use smaller bulbs. I'm sure they'll start making smaller ones soon.

Recycling: I don't recycle very much. I feel terrible about it! This apartment is the first place I've lived in Los Angeles that doesn't have recycling bins. I think we live in one of the few places in the city that doesn't have a program. I don't have the energy to drive all over town trying to recycle old magazines! When I first moved to Los Angeles I used to take my recycling to the grocery store and then I recycled at home when the city started supplying bins. But because most of the city has bins now you can no longer recycle at the grocery store. This is very annoying but I just keep telling myself the city will start a program soon. In my defense, I don't actually produce that much trash. I don't take the newspaper and I drink filtered tap water (so I don't have lots of bottles to throw away). And supposedly my trash at work is recycled.

[Update: a neighbor told me I can take my recycling to Whole Foods so I'll start doing that. Eric also says we should be able to get bins for our apartment soon]

Water: This isn't included in the carbon calculators but obviously it takes a lot of power to clean and transport water to our homes. I'm sure I waste a lot of water; I could take shorter showers, for instance. But at least I don't have a lawn and I share a swimming pool with a couple of dozen people so I don't feel too bad.

Work: I have no idea how much energy I consume at work; and I don't think the carbon calculators take this into account. I work for a nonprofit and I think the organization tries to be environmentally conscious but I have no idea how it translates to my personal responsibility. Apparently the organization recycles and tries to use some low-water landscaping. The library where I work is kept freezing, however. We are told this is to preserve the books. We try to explain that humans have to exist in the environment as well but they don't seem to listen. It also doesn't explain why it seems to be over-heated in the winter. I don't know how green the buildings are. I do know the air conditioning involves some sort of evaporative water system. It's pretty amazing; I saw it once. It's like this series of waterfalls in an underground cavern! It's so beautiful that it's a shame it has to be hidden under ground! Anyway, I don't know if that kind of system uses less energy.

Well, that's it. Am I forgetting anything? Let me know if you have better luck calculating your carbon footprint. All I determined is that I'm better than average. But I already knew that.

Top Chef: Miami Recap, Episode 3: Comfort frauds!

OK, first of all, I just realized this season is called "Top Chef: Miami." I knew it took place in Miami but I didn't know they had renamed the show. Next we'll be subjected to Top Chef: Criminal Intent.

This episode was really weird. I just didn't think either the quickfire or elimination challenges were well explained. We start with the quickfire: the chefs go to the Miami Aquarium, where they use one of those vending machine claws to grab shellfish out of a tank while trying to avoid being eaten by sharks.

Actually they are just pulling shellfish out of a tank with a net. Why? It doesn't really add to the excitement or show any particular skill. Padma has told them they get thirty seconds to grab as much as they can but for some reason the chefs take that to mean they have to get all they can in one scoop. They aren't trying to get specific types of shellfish; they're just scooping up everything they can. So why not just give them a big bowl of shellfish to start with? The whole exercise seems pointless.

Hung goes nuts in the tank and drops something on the floor:

Lia: "Don't just leave it there, Hung."

Wow, what a drama queen! Everything always has to be all about Lia!

Lia: "What? I just thought Hung could pick it up."

Oh, my god! Lia is such a source of tension on this show! She always has to butt into everyone's business!

Lia: "I don't understand. What did I do?"

Geez, will you just stop talking for a second and let someone else get a word in?

Anyway, if I could get back to the recap without Lia constantly interrupting me! The chefs all end up with the same stupid shellfish and they are all making the same stupid recipe of shellfish in white wine:

Hung: "My monkey could do this."

CJ: "This is totally unfair! Hung is getting assistance from his monkey!"

Tom: "I didn't even know Hung had a monkey. Get that thing out of here!"

Hung: "This monkey was trained in Paris! He's a better chef than any of you will ever be! Can't you people stop being so closed-minded and let this monkey have a chance to fulfill his dream of creating gourmet food?"

Many of the chefs are working with conch. Micah can't get the meat out of the shell even though she's claimed to be an expert on cooking with conch. She tries running over it with her car. She tries shooting it out of a cannon. She tries singing a really, really high note to try to crack the shell. Finally she just makes a conchless conch salad. It doesn't go over well.

Brian makes conch toast. Yuck. He wins immunity in the elimination challenge.

Then Padma wheels out a bunch of revolting food:

Padma: "This is the entire menu from T.G.I. Friday's! Please try not to vomit in the new kitchen. Thank you. Your job will be to take one of these old-fashioned, unhealthy dishes and update it to something lower in cholesterol."

Tom: "We think the challenge is pretty straightforward."

Really? Because it isn't. The chefs don't seem to understand. Are they supposed to make a really healthy dish or just something healthi-er than what they are starting with; because that wouldn't take much. Is the dish supposed to be lower in calories and fat or just lower in cholesterol? Why is Casey avoiding olive oil? It's high in calories but it's not unhealthy. And again, is it supposed to be low in cholesterol, or just low-er? Are they supposed to completely reinvent the dish or are they supposed to update the dish simply by making it healthier? The chefs really don't seem to understand.

Tom: "Well, I thought it was straightforward."

The chefs go through and pick their dishes:

Dale: "I eat every one of these dishes every day. But I'm picking chicken and dumplings."

Micah: "I've never heard of 'meat loaf' but I'm going to give it a try."

Peter Brady: "I'm taking pork chops and apple sauce!"

Hung: "Comfort food to me is steamed fish."

Well, excuse me! Just because I grew up eating Hamburger Helper and Shake-n-Bake doesn't mean you're better than me! Waaaah!

At the grocery store Dale buys a rotisserie chicken and instant mashed potatoes:

CJ: "That is a personal assault to my senses!"

Oh, get over it!

Cheesy Sara has problems with the oven. She thought the oven was on when she put in her chicken but when she checks, it has been turned off. Hung says he didn't turn it off but then tells the camera that he did. What isn't clear is whether Sara's chicken was in the oven when Hung took his food out or if he turned the oven off before she put it in and she just assumed it was still on. Bravo obviously doesn't want us to know because this way we can think Hung is a villain. But I suspect Sara saw that the oven was heating up and then when she went to put her chicken in Hung had already taken his food out and didn't know anyone else needed the oven. He probably should have asked before he did that because they are sharing a kitchen and he also shouldn't have lied about it but Sara also should have checked to see if it was still on. I think they both made a mistake.

Hung: "So am I an asshole yet?"

You're getting there but you'll have to try a bit harder.

The chefs serve the food to the members of the Miami Elks Club in one of the ugliest dining rooms I've ever seen. I imagine it's what the dining hall in a prison would look like. I hope Bravo turns it into a design project for the next highly unanticipated season of Top Design (Top Design: Miami, anyone? Or maybe Top Design: Special Victim's Unit?)

We take a break so the chefs can tell us that if you've ruined a dish you can fix it by adding butter or getting really, really drunk.

OK, did everyone get that advertisement for California? Was it helpful? Was there a lack of awareness of the state of California? Is there someone in Colorado saying, "Oh, yeah; I totally forgot that California existed; I'm glad I saw that advertisement"? I mean, it's not like we're West Virginia. No offense intended.

130 per cent of viewers think Howie is more talented than Joey.

One last thing: the first seventeen thousand times I saw that Hey Paula promo I found it totally annoying but this last one magically made me want to watch the show.

So, the judges hate most of the food. It looks really revolting. CJ's looks like cat food. Lia tries to get texture by serving uncooked lentils. The best response Padma could muster for Tre's dish was, "Well, it didn't make me want to take my own life." And those were some of the better ones!

Howie and Dale are the top two. Howie's seared pork was cooked perfectly and his apple slaw was fresh and delicious, while still managing to evoke the original dish of pork chops and apple sauce. Dale's version of chicken and dumplings was also a big hit. Howie wins some books and the vague opportunity to do something at the Gotham Bar & Grill in New York. Congratulations, Howie!

Padma: "Could you send in the bottom chefs?"

Howie: "Which ones?"

Padma: "All of them."

OK, actually it was just Micah, Cheesy Sara, Brian, CJ, and Lia.

Brian was safe but the judges wanted to point out that he was a dick for serving lobster as a lower cholesterol version of stuffed cabbage.

Micah's meatloaf dish seemed conceptually fine but everyone hated it; apparently it was inedible.

Sara's didn't evoke the emotional response that chicken a la king was supposed to. This was a little unfair since she had no idea was it was. She tried to use similar ingredients but apparently she didn't know what aspect of the dish was the one that would evoke the right memories:

Tom: "You were supposed to update the dish without actually changing it. And it should have had peas."

Whatever. Actually, I did a quick search for chicken a la king recipes and none of the ones I found had peas in them.

Lia just didn't do anything. She just boiled some sausages.

Padma: "What's wrong with that."

Tom: "Do I have to remind you again that this is a cooking show?"

Padma: "Oh, yeah."

Anyway, they get rid of Micah. I think they should have sent Lia home but obviously the producers wouldn't let them. Lia brings so much drama to the show, while Micah is so stable and quiet the producers had to get rid of her.

Lia: "I don't understand what I did to offend you."

Oh, please! Don't play all innocent. You are always starting fights with everyone and arguing with the judges. You're just trying to skate by on your outrageous behavior instead of real talent.

Lia: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Well, I just hope the Bravo producers stop keeping people around just for their drama value. That's all I'm saying.*

*Eric Three Thousand is being sarcastic.

All-American Presidential Forum Recap!

OK, the title of this forum was not very descriptive. It was actually a forum for Democratic presidential candidates to discuss how much they care about the African American community. Because they can't take the African American community for granted. Yeah, right. Anyway, it was alright. I don't know if we learned anything but it confirmed that some candidates are good speakers and others are completely nuts.

Here are some of the highlights (as usual with my posts, the quotes are fake):

Tavis Smiley: "Thank you all for coming. The candidate who mentions my book The Covenant In Action, available from Amazon.com, the most times will win the debate."

Then we get a shot of the audience reading his book. Come on people, don't read it now; we're here to listen to the candidates.

Throughout the forum we get shots of Cornel West, who looks very excited. He's like the Jack Nicholson of this event.

Hillary Clinton: "I just want to remind you that my husband was the first black president of the United States!"

Bill Richardson: "Well, I'd just like to remind you that I'm the first Latino to run for president. Jimmy Smits was just a character on a television show."

Oh, yeah; I keep forgetting that the West Wing wasn't real.

Mike Gravel: "The other candidates all suck! I just want to point out that I know you black people love the drugs. So I want to end the war on drugs!"

Cheering from the crowd.

Gravel: "I also want to get rid of income tax!"

Crowd realizes he's insane.

Joe Biden: "Barack Obama and I went to get HIV tests."

Barack Obama: "I just want to make it clear that I am not in a homosexual relationship with Joe Biden. If I were going to go gay it would obviously be for John Edwards."

Bill Richardson: "Blah, blah, blah ..."

Tavis Smiley: "I'm going to have to ask you to shut up, Governor."

Dennis Kucinich: "They keep telling you all to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and then they steal your boots! I worked on that line all day!"

The candidates tried to one-up each other about education: one would say we need universal preschool and then the next would say we need to start earlier and the next would say education needs to start at conception.

They talked about the Supreme Court decision to bring segregation back to public schools.

They talked a little bit about Katrina and the Iraq War.

They talked about HIV. Nobody really took on the problem of putting so much energy into the completely ineffective program of simply telling people not to have sex. One candidate touched on it, but I really think it should be a major point.

They all seemed to repeat the point about getting rid of the legal difference between powdered and crack cocaine, which is important in helping to get rid of the racial inequality in drug offenses, though Gravel was the only one to point out the stupidity of the whole war on drugs in the first place. Too bad he's insane.

So, again, nothing too exciting but it was good to see some of them talking. It confirmed that some of them are good candidates and others are really just wasting our time.

Other Eric: "There's only one person up there who seems presidential."

Me: "Tavis Smiley?"

Other Eric: "No; Hillary Clinton."

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Yeah, Obama and Edwards are pretty good but Clinton is a real professional. She should wear higher heels, though; taller candidates do better.

Please, sir, may I have some more?: or As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!

Could you live on $28 a week for food? Well, you would have to if you were on food stamps. Now, some people on food stamps actually have jobs (they just don't pay enough to lift them above the poverty level) so they presumably have a little money to supplement the amount they spend on groceries. But apparently a person is theoretically supposed to be able to buy a week's worth of groceries for $28. I couldn't do it.

I remember when I first moved to Los Angeles for college around 1988. For some reason I remember my grocery bills; I went to the store every week and I always spent about $40. I think that included cold cereal, milk, bread, peanut butter, jelly, cheese, pasta, pasta sauce, orange juice, soda, and potato chips. I didn't eat any fruit or vegetables. I had cereal for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and pasta for dinner. Every day for two years. Oh, yeah, and a multi-vitamin. I don't know how I survived.

The point is, even with that horrible diet, I still would have gone way over my budget if I were on food stamps. And that was almost 20 years ago; those same groceries would cost a lot more today!

You may have read recently about Eric Gioia, a councilman from Queens, NY, who took the food stamp challenge and tried living on $28 worth of food. He made it through the week but he felt like shit, he was always hungry, and he actually gained 2 pounds because he was mainly eating bread and pasta.

Anyway, this post isn't really about the worthiness of the food stamp program because I don't actually know that much about it. I just found the idea of trying to live on $28 a week for food to be frightening. Do you think you could do it? Do you have experience living on this kind of budget?

Top Chef Recap, Season Three, Episode 2: Sunny D.: or This episode is like putting lipstick on a pig!

We start the show as the chefs are waking up at the "Fountain Blue" hotel:

Micah: "Boy, I am not a morning person. I just can't even function until I've had my first cup of coffee. You know what I'm saying? Who's with me?"

[Sound of crickets]

Micah: "Wow; tough crowd."

The quickfire challenge is brought to you today by the Florida Citrus Council. The guest judge is Norman Van Aken.

Eric Three Thousand: "I've prepared for you half a grapefruit, sprinkled with a little granulated sugar, and garnished with a Maraschino cherry in the center."

Padma: "It's ostentatiously pedestrian! That takes real confidence!"

Norman Van Aken: "It's simple, classic, and elegant! The flavors are perfectly balanced! Most people would have tried to show off but you really took a risk by just focusing on the grapefruit!

Well, it was flattering to be in the top three but Hung ends up winning the quickfire. And he deserves it. He's such a nice guy!

Hung: "No, I'm not! I'm an asshole!"

The elimination challenge is brought to you by Kingsford charcoal and the Los Angeles Times, voted the best newspaper for starting fires since 1893. The chefs have to create an elegant gourmet barbecue. They have $200 to shop.

Micah: "When we got there, everyone went straight to the meat counter."

Well, duh!

Micah: "So I just wandered around the produce section thinking about how much my daughter loves produce. Then I went over to the meat counter and I was all, 'what do you have left,' and they were all, 'well, we have this discounted leg of lamb,' and I was all, 'whatever.'"

Asian Sara almost buys too much meat but Hung saves her.

Asian Sara: "That Hung is such a nice guy! He's always looking out for everyone else! Everyone loves him!"

Hung: "For crying out loud! Why doesn't anyone believe that I'm an asshole?!"

Micah is still whining about missing her daughter:

Micah: "This is the first time I've ever been separated from her. Boo hoo."

Hung: "Oh, don't use your daughter as an excuse for crying."

Wow, what an asshole.

Hung: "SEE! SEE! I told you!"

I'm just joking. Everyone was thinking the same thing. It will take more than that to convince me that you are an asshole."

Hung: "Son of a bitch."

So the chefs have two hours to prepare the food in the kitchen before taking it out to the beach the next day. Tom Collicchio comments on Sandee:

Tom: "It's like putting lipstick on a pig."

Well, that's just rude! It's true she could use a little help with her makeup, but still ...

Tom: "No, I was talking about her dish. She's over-seasoning her lobster and it's just not barbecue."

Oh. Sorry. I'm still not sure I understand the metaphor, though. Lobster is like a pig?

The chefs finish their prep:

Asian Sara: "Ow, ow, ow! Holy crap, these are hot!"

What's wrong?

Asian Sara: "I bought the wrong damn peppers. You would not believe how freaking hot they are! The judges' heads are going to explode tomorrow. God, I'm such an idiot."

Oh, I'm sure it will be fine.

The host of the party is someone named Lee Shrager. Apparently he is famous for his celebrity-filled barbecues. As usual, the chefs pretend to know who he is.

The judges show up. Padma is wearing a cute dress and Gail has enormous knockers. Then Shrager and a bunch of his total-nobody guests show up. Howie has over-cooked his pork. Joey has made some boring chicken legs. Sandee hasn't actually barbecued anything. Brian makes fish sausage.

Padma: "Hey, Chris, that's a nice sausage you have there."

Chris: "No, Brian's the one who made the sausage."

Padma: "I know."

Oooh, Padma, that's so naughty!

Joey accuses Hung of stealing his idea for a watermelon drink. For the quickfire, Joey had served a completely different drink of watermelon juice and Grand Marnier because, as everyone knows, watermelon is a very popular citrus fruit. Hung, on the other hand, made the bizarre association of watermelon with barbecue and mixed some watermelon juice with Champagne. Joey threatens to give Hung some knee pants. Does anyone have any idea what that means? This was Hung's perfect opportunity to be an asshole but instead he defends himself and says he didn't know Joey had taken out the patent on watermelon juice. All the other chefs support Hung. They decide Joey is the asshole.

Hung: "God, I really suck at being an asshole."

Anyway, Brian wins! He wins nothing? The judges have to decide whether it is worse to make barbecue that is not upscale or upscale food that is not barbecue. That's a tough call. To settle it, the judges ask Joey who should go home. Well, obviously, he would be the authority.

Joey: "Howie should go home."

Howie: "Yo momma!"

Joey: "No, yo momma!"

Tom: "Thank you. That has helped us reach our decision."

Padma: "Sandee, please pack your knives and go."

Tune in next week to see if some of the chefs' breasts can be used as flotation devices.