Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Three based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire!

Sorry, I'm not actually doing a "Precious" parody because I haven't seen the film (though it's high on my list of movies I should see but never will). I just really enjoy saying "based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire." Instead, we'll go to an audition room at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena:

Daniel Franco: "Neeeear, faaaaar, wherEEEEEver you are, I belieeeeve that the heart does go oooooon!"

Randy: "I'm feeling you, D Franc!"

Kara: "Your raw sexuality is giving me chills!"

Simon: "If I'm being honest, Daniel, your singing makes me want to punch you in the nuts. That's a 'yes' for me!"

Daniel: "I love you, Simon."

And with that, our dear friend Daniel Franco makes it through to Hollywood (in his mind). Meanwhile, back on Earth ...

Elizaveta is out because Ping decided she needed a stronger model. Elizaveta was sweet and tried her best, but I really don't think she belonged there. A good model will subconsciously send the message, "I look fantastic in this shitty outfit! Worship me, bitches!" But Elizaveta seemed to be sending the message, "Please don't throw things at me." And in addition to her general terrified appearance, she also has a bad knee that prevents her from walking or standing for very long:

Elizaveta: "Well, what are you gonna do?"

I'll tell you exactly what you do. Pick a different profession. Anyway, last week the models were harvested from a potato field, Pamela was out, and Jay won immunity. Heidi starts this episode by asking a weird question:

Heidi: "Would you like to meet a bunch of dead designers?"

Uh, I guess so? We meet Tim at the Met, in the Temple of Dendur, where he introduces us to the mummified remains of several famous fashion designers:

Tim: "You will be working in teams of two to create a 'signature' look. Yes, you heard me right. You'll be designing a 'signature' look with two distinct signatures!"

That makes no sense.

Tim: "Well, maybe I can buy your love. The designers will be getting $500 for this challenge, the most money ever in the history of the show!"

Make it an even thousand and it's a deal.

Tim: "I'm not bargaining with you!"

Then I'm sticking to my opinion that this challenge is stupid. The team leaders are Jay, Jesus, Anthony, Janeane, Mila, Ping, and Emilio. Ping practices her routine for the Laugh Factory:

Ping: "I will be a good leader because I'm very good at explaining my ideas to people."

Oh, Ping! Stop! You're killing me!

Ping: "Thank you. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers."

The designers spend time being inspired by iconic dresses. The designers are thrilled by the experience:

Seth Aaron: "It is so nice to have the opportunity to look at dresses without being attacked by pit bulls. "

Yeah, pit bulls are the one downside to the museum experience. After the museum, they go to Mood and Ping loses her sketchbook:

Jesse: "I swear I'm not the one who ripped up her sketchbook and threw it in the trash!"

Who said anything about it being ripped up in the trash?

Jesse: "what? ... uh ... I thought you said that ... oh, look at that shiny fabric!"

Where?

So, anyway, since it isn't possible for two designers with completely different styles to make one signature look, the teams end up either creating looks that have the signature of one of the designers on the team or that don't have a signature at all. Either way, they don't really fit the challenge. I don't know how you judge the results. Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Designers, this challenge was so clear and straightforward ..."

No, it wasn't.

Tim: "In any case, we decided the challenge needed a twist ..."

Of lemon?

Tim: "Stop interrupting me! You'll need to create a second outfit for a Barbie. Because Barbie is very small, this will be a 'look for less.' The look will be derived from the signature look of another team. You are not supposed to copy the look, just be inspired by it. However, the look that the judges rave about the most will be almost an exact copy. Also, this second look will end up not having any effect on the judging. So make sure you waste a lot of time on it."

Perfect. That's exactly what this challenge needed: one more element that makes no sense.

Tim: "Will it help if I give you another $50?"

Do I look that cheap?

Tim: "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Okay, let's just move on. On the day of the runway, Tim gives his last words of advice:

Tim: "Use the Bluefly wall preciously."

Say it!

Tim: "Fine! Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

Thank you. The models go to hair and makeup:

Sophia: "Ahhhh! My spleen!"

Sophia is apparently allergic to being touched:

Sophia: "I have crazy-ass-bitch-itis. It's a serious medical condition. Look it up."

I believe you. But modeling requires being touched. A lot. So maybe you, like Elizaveta, should consider a different profession.

On to the runway:

Anthony and Seth Aaron made a pretty yellow and black ball gown for the vice president of McDonald's, who happens to be a drag queen. Apparently Anthony thought they were supposed to imitate a signature look so he designed an imitation Dior:

Michael: "I wore this dress in the 1950s to a cotillion. In the south. In Hell. Yes, I grew up in southern Hell. A little warmer than northern Hell, but we had more parties."

Jesus and Amy made a gown with an awful mermaid silhouette and a really beautiful fabric treatment.

Mila and Jonathan created about the only look on the runway that could be considered a signature piece. It's sixties-inspired without looking like a costume. I think this was the clear winner, since they were ignoring the second looks.

Janeane and Ben made a perfectly nice outfit but there is nothing that made it a signature look.

Emelio and Anna also made a perfectly nice dress that doesn't qualify as a signature look.

Jay and Maya created a gown that is signature-ish, with a big wavy collar piece that extends down the front and back. I feel like I've seen many versions of this dress for several years, but the judges find it completely original. What do I know?

Ping and Jesse also made a look that is signature-ish. It definitely has Ping's signature. And it has a very dramatic presence on the runway. And Brandise worked the shit out of it. But, when it comes down to it, it's just a pretty sari. Except that a real sari is much easier to wear because it is pinned to the shoulder; you don't have to carry the fabric around with you on your arm:

Michael: "She looks like the Statue of Liberty. In the South. In Hell."

The top two teams are Team Mila and Team Maya and Mila wins immunity! Congratulations, Mila!

Jesse's model: "I need to tell you that Ping did not do a personal fitting for my outfit."

Well, it clearly states in the rules that Ping needs to do a personal fitting for the second look on Jesse's model. So she's out. Sorry, Ping! You should have done that fitting. It would have made all the difference. Seriously, I'm really sorry to see her go. Ping definitely has a talent for creating dramatic looks with beautiful fabric. She just needs to figure out how to make actual articles of clothing.

See you next week. And don't forget to tune in for the new Lifetime movie "Sins of the mother ... based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire"!

Project Runway, Season Seven, Episode Two: Garanimal Farm!

Project Runway is brought to you by Centrum Pink Triangle, the vitamin supplement specially formulated for the needs of gay men and straight men going through an "experimental phase." contains sixteen vitamins and minerals essential in regulating the body's natural ability to be fabulous.

Welcome back to season seven. We are back in New York for episode two because the commute to the distant planet of Endora was too much for Nina and Michael:

Nina: "Hello? I have a real job, you know! Ever heard of a magazine called Marie Claire? You haven't? Well, I assure you, it exists!"

Michael: "And that 150-year time difference was wreaking havoc on my body. Look at how pale I am."

OK, we get it, New York is the greatest place in the universe. Last season was terrible because it didn't take place in New York:

Tim: "Last season made me look forward to death panels."

Let's just get on with it, shall we? Nothing too exciting in model news. All the designers kept their models, so Christiane's model was out. We get to meet the models and we learn that there is a witch, a bitch, and a control freak. So far, not a single one appears to be completely psychotic. But it's early, so there's still hope.

For the second challenge, the designers go on a field trip. Literally. They meet Tim in a field:

Tim: "Designers, some of you may believe that all of the fabrics used in the fashion industry are grown in Central Park. But that isn't the case. In fact, the majority of fabrics and trimmings are grown in other parts of the country and have to be trucked in to Manhattan. And that's bad for the environment and fabric-diversity. Mood is a leader in the "design-locally" movement and buys 80% of it's stock from the button and ribbon farms just outside the city. We're going to be using this fresh crop of burlap sacks, just harvested this morning. Then you'll have the opportunity to pick your own trimmings, fresh from the vine."

OK, so the designers have to make a party look out of burlap sacks. I like the challenge! On top of that, the models are going to be the clients and will be wearing the dresses to an "industry event." Fine. But then the models pick the designers they want to work with, which seems completely unnecessary. I think it would have worked if the models had been forced to pick a new designer, but, of course, most of them stayed with the designer who had already picked them. This made the one model who switched designers look like a traitor, even though she's the only one who had any guts.

Obvioulsy, Mila is hurt by the fact that she is the only designer whose model didn't want to work with her. Can you blame her for being upset? Well, apparently Anthony can:

Mila: "I can't believe she didn't pick me. I thought we worked well together."

Anthony: "So you're saying you're better than me?"

Mila: "um, no, I'm just ..."

Anthony: "It's fine. I left my feelings in Atlanta. And my heart in San Francisco. But my big black ass is right here and you're welcome to kiss it."

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Pamela, should this be one piece? And when I ask if it should be one piece, what I am subtly suggesting is that no, it shouldn't be."

Pamela: "I think I'll make it one piece."

Tim: "It's your funeral."

Jay: "I'm dyeing this fabric and then sewing on all this trim."

Tim: "WHAT?! OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE TOTALLY BLOWING MY MIND!"

Jesus is covering his burlap skirt with ribbon:

Tim: "You've skirted the challenge. Forgive the pun."

I can't do that, Tim.

The day of the challenge, the designers obsess about what to wear and how to do their hair and then they go in to the design room and start freaking out. Tim gives them their final instructions:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall surreptitiously."

On to the runway, where the guest judge is the professional icon, model, actor, pilot, dog-whisperer, family therapist, humorist, nuclear physicist, justice of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, and spy Lauren Hutton.

Anthony - Glory hallelujah, the girl might have some talent, after all! There is nothing new or interesting about this little pink dress, but it looks fantastic! The skirt is draped perfectly, with just the right amount of volume. It looked like chiffon instead of burlap.

Ping - I appreciate Ping's attempt at working with interesting shapes, but this looked like shit. Obviously, nobody could wear this to a party and that's what this challenge was about.

Ben - He made a pretty pink dress with a full skirt. It's fine but it suffers in comparison to Anthony's.

Mila - She made a great little grey sheath with silver trim.

Anna - OK, so this is the same dress she made for the last challenge. But I really love the print she created with the potato.

Jesse - I appreciate that he made pants, but it's just a weird outfit for a party. Matching top and pants? Nobody would wear that.

Seth Aaron - He made a weird Jetson's dress with a hood. Again, for some challenges I would be fine with that. But it doesn't work for this challenge because nobody wants to wear that to a party. It's just not attractive.

Amy - I really like this dress. She worked with the burlap instead of trying to hide it. The dip-dye effect on the skirt is really pretty.

Janeane - She made a perfectly fine dark grey strapless dress with burgundy trim. It seemed a little too formal and old for the model.

Jay - I love it! The effect he got with the ruffled skirt is amazing!

Emilio - He made a knee-length sheath in raw burlap with a geometric pattern made with ribbon. I don't love it.

Jesus - He created a little dress mostly covered in green ribbon. It was mostly well made but, just like Christiane, he abruptly cut off the fabric at the zipper in the back, which looks awful. While the layered ribbon is actually pretty, he was clearly not interested in working with the burlap, which was the point of the challenge.

Jonathan - Gritty meets shitty in this burlap sheath covered in black lace. It's not terrible but it's so uninspiring and not really a dress I could imagine someone wearing to a party.

Maya - Yuck. This was awful. Why wasn't it in the bottom three?

Pamela - The judges were ridiculously hard on this dress. Yes, there's a little problem with the butt flap. But I like that she was able to get the burlap to look like denim. And, of all the garments this week, I can't believe this is the only one a model didn't want to wear to a party. Seriously? This is much more wearable than some of the others.

Anyway, the top three are Mila, Jay, and Amy.

Heidi loves Mila's dress but Michael doesn't like seeing the model's boobs:

Michael: "Ew."

The bottom three are Ping, Pamela, and Jesus.

Ping: "When you said to make a dress for an 'industry event' I thought you meant the potato industry."

Oh, OK. I'm sure that dress would look much better at a potato industry event.

Heidi doesn't like that Jesus used so much ribbon:

Heidi: "For accounting purposes, could you tell us exactly what percentage of that dress is burlap?"

Lauren Hutton: "Dresses are like paintings and that dress is like a really bad painting."

Jay wins! Congratulations, Jay! The judges made the right call on this one.

As for the loser, obviously Ping's dress is the worst. But the judges clearly want to keep her around. And I don't blame them. She's safe purely because of her potential to do something interesting some day. They are within their legal rights to do that.

So the judges decide to get rid of Pamela, supposedly for making her size two model look like a size four (gasp!):

Heidi: "Pamela, thanks for playing the part of the older designer who gets eliminated right away."

Sorry, Pamela. I don't think you should have been out this week.

Before we go, a promo for a new Lifetime movie:

What would make a successful businesswoman give birth 47 times? Find out in the new Lifetime movie "The Pregnancy Pact," starring Heidi Klum.

Project Runway Season Seven Premiere: Now in 2.5-D!

It's Lifetime; you didn't really expect them to spring for the full 3-Ds, did you? What is the extra half D, you ask? Well, I can't tell you. All I can say is that it will give you fuller, longer, darker lashes is just six weeks.

Welcome to season seven, which takes place on the distant planet of Endora, home to a species of old red-haired harpies who dress in chiffon housecoats and complain about their stupid mortal sons-in-law. As you recall, the city of Los Angeles single-handedly destroyed Project Runway last season. So they had to find a new planet. Los Angeles is near and dear to me. I love Los Angeles. But not in that way. Anyway, as an Angeleno, I just want to apologize to all the PR fans for what my city did to the show. Clearly LA is a cultural black hole, from which no light can escape. It is a destroyer of all that is good and decent in this world. Also, I'm sorry I got Heidi pregnant again. I'm only human.

Fortunately, Tim Gunn made the journey to Endora with us and he is just coming out of space hibernation:

Tim: "I'm Tim Gunn and this is the Situation!"

OH, MY GOD! We are so tired of looking at your abs, Tim! We get it; you're totally ripped! Get over it!

Tim: "sorry"

So unprofessional. Anyway, the designtestants this season are from Endora and they are blue, which makes me think of Smurf prom dresses:

Tim: "I told you never to use that term in my presence!"

Gee, I forgot how touchy he was about that. Well, let's meet the natives and describe their hair (which is how I tell them apart):

Amy is the tough-talking scientist who has taken alien form so she can learn more about the magical fabrics of the planet. She has brown hair.

Anna is the evil corporate leader who doesn't care how many people have to die in order to get her hands on the natural reserves of Garnier Fructis buried beneath the planet's surface. She has long brown hair.

Anthony is the wise-cracking sidekick. He seems useless at first but he'll come to the hero's defense and save the day. He has hair.

Ben is the military veteran who has become an unthinking killing machine. But I'm sure he's really sweet once you get to know him. He has your typical military haircut.

Christiane is the daughter of the chief. She knows all the secrets of Endora, like where to find the most colorful fabrics and how to get a taxi when it's raining. She has long black hair with bangs.

Emilio is the leader of the Endorans. He is wise in the ways of ombre and applique. He is much loved and respected. And he wears a hat.

Janeane is the high priestess of the planet. If you ever need to swap bodies or make an entirely new dress at the last minute, she might be able to help. She does not understand revolving doors. We'll see how she does with escalators, or, as she probably calls them, "moving stairs." She has shoulder-length dark-brown hair.

Jay is the greatest warrior on Endora. So obviously he has a faux-hawk.

Jesse is the former soldier who infiltrates the native population in order to learn about the biggest mystery in the world of fashion-related competition shows: the meaning of the term "avant-garde." But he ends up falling in love and becoming one of them. To fit in, he dresses as the most famous pirate you can think of: Captain Hook.

Sorry, but I've run out of characters.

Jesus is really young and he has big hair. Like all really young designers with big hair, he thinks he is god's gift to evening-wear.

Jonathan has regular hair and he wears glasses. He's trying to find the place where gritty meets shitty. I think he's already halfway there.

Maya has shoulder-length black hair with bangs.

Mila and black bobbed-hair with bangs.

Pamela has long brown hair and is the oldest. She got bored with being the best at everything she's ever done so she decided to try fashion design.

Ping has short black hair. She is from China, is an American-trained physical therapist, an Italian-trained designer, and studied choreography on the moons of Endora.

Seth Aaron has your typical douche-rock hair and a big red hickey tattooed on his neck. He would like to be a famous fashion designer, if you don't mind. Hmm ... I wonder if that's why he auditioned to be on this show.

The designers get to know each other by comparing their weights and then they go up to the roof to drink sparkling apple cider with Heidi and Tim:

Janeane: "Oh my god! I'm on the roof! I was down on street level and then I got into this very small room and when the doors opened I was suddenly on the roof! Is it witchcraft?"

Tim: "Calm down Janeane, you'll be fine. Welcome, everyone! I can honestly say this is the first season that we have had this exact group of designers! And I couldn't be more proud!"

Heidi: "Tim, you're so full of crap. But I love you anyway. Pour the champagne."

The next day the designers meet Tim in the Garden of Ancestors to select from the fabrics that grow there:

Tim: "Designers, the Garden of Ancestors is a very special place. The fabrics of Endora are all linked together by electromagnetic pulses. So if you choose the right combination of fabrics, you will be able to get fashion advice from your dead relatives."

The designers start working and Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Designers, are you completely confident in what you are doing?"

Designers: "Yes!"

Tim: "Alright, then. That's all I wanted to know."

Actually, though, there are a few designers who are not completely confident. Janeane was planning to wow the judges with originality by making a little black cocktail dress, but she changed her mind. Anthony is shocked that he hasn't already been eliminated. And Emilio has only finished the top of his dress and there are only two hours left in the day.

Tim acts like he's never seen designers this close to not finishing a garment, even though, just last season, there was a designer who had nothing but a collar finished and just threw some fabric over his model thirty seconds before the runway.

Tim: "Remember to use the Bluefly wall salaciously."

Heidi welcomes the designers to the runway:

Heidi: "Jesse, why are you dressed like a member of the Hitler youth?"

Jesse: "I thought this was an audition for The Producers. I'm supposed to be a hotsy totsy Nazi."

Heidi: "I never thought I would hear myself say these words, but I think I would prefer it if you would dress as a pirate from now on."

Jesse: "Arrrrrr."

Both Michael and Nina are judging! Last season someone was spreading the rumor that they were actually the same person and that's why they never appeared together. Oh, wait, I was the one spreading that rumor.

The guest judge is Nicole Richie, who I'm sure is really great, but I don't know if she's a huge improvement over the guest judges we got in Los Angeles.

Here's the rundown of the runway:

Jonathan: Fine, but a little boring.

Seth Aaron: Pretty cute punk dress.

Jesus: His name is the first thing I said when I saw this dress, though I pronounced it differently.

Ben: I don't hate this weird dress it but I think the fabric is wrong.

Jay: It's awful, but at least there isn't much of it.

Pamela: This pink monstrosity looked even worse from the back.

Emilio: Very cute little dress.

Jesse: Interesting suit. I like it.

Ping: Dramatic. I'm intrigued but not convinced, yet.

Christiane: This is a very unfortunate dress.

Amy: Fine.

Janeane: So much better than her first look. I like it.

Mila: Yeah, OK, it's nice, whatever.

Anthony: Well ...

Anna: It's pretty. Not exciting. But pretty.

Maya: She went with the classic simple-dress-with-big-piece-of-crap-glued-onto-it look that I hate.

Emilio, Seth Aaron, and Ping are the top three and Emilio wins! Congratulations, Emilio!

Jesus, Anthony, and Christiane are the bottom three. While there were a couple of others I didn't like, there is no denying that these three are bad. Anthony is safe:

Anthony: "WHAT?! Are you sure? There must be some mistake! I demand a re-count!"

It's true! He's safe! A note to future contestants: if you don't have any design skills and you plan to get by on personality alone, this is how you do it. Don't go with the escaped-mental-patient routine; be charming and funny and lovable so people actually want you around.

Anyway, the bottom two are Jesus, who is designing on the level of a first-year fashion student, but at least has some construction skills, and Christiane, who could have some interesting ideas but totally blew it on this challenge.

Heidi: "One of you will be going home and, unfortunately, Jesus, it will not be you."

OK, that's not exactly what she said. But I know it's what she was thinking.

So, Jesus is safe. Christiane's beautiful 2.5-D pterodactyl is shot out of the sky and she comes crashing to the ground:

Christiane: "Ahhhhh! My spleen!"

People of Earth,

NBC asked me to move my blog to a later time-slot but I wanted to let you know I will still be recapping the new season of Project Runway, which starts tomorrow. I may not get to it until Saturday, but fear not, I will do it.

Eric3000

2009 Recap (A Holiday Newsletter from Eric3000!)

Dear readers,

As you all know, the Mayan calendar will be ending in 2012. Did anyone happen to pick up the new 2013 Mayan calendar while they were at Target? No? Well, then we’re all doomed. All we can do now is try to avoid international landmarks, such as the pyramids, that big Jesus statue in Brazil, and the city of Los Angeles. Those are always the first to go. Rest assured that some secret organization will save the most important thing on earth: the Mona Lisa.

What a year. My long personal nightmare of having a secure job with good benefits is finally, finally over. Yes, after fourteen years at the Getty, the funding for the research project I was working on was cut and I am at last free to pursue my dream of full-time blogging. I made over six dollars at it this year and now that I have more free time, I’m sure I can make twice that much next year! Still, I wouldn’t say no to a regular paycheck, so if you happen to be in the market for an art historian, keep me in mind. My skills include, but are not limited to, the ability to read magazines for extended periods of time.

Like most people, I started the year standing in line at Sephora. Fortunately, I was standing behind the actress Markie Post. And if you have to stand in line for half an hour at a store with the slowest customer service on earth to buy a small tub of a hair product that costs more than caviar (the product is called Dirt and for that price there should be real dirt in it, am I right?), there are worse people to be standing behind than Markie Post. Stars: they hum along to the music they play in stores ... JUST LIKE US!

But, obviously, being from Los Angeles, I would get the best celebrity sighting when I visit my family in Illinois. This summer I had dinner with my sister and cousins in Chicago and shared a communal table with some of the contestants from one of my favorite shows, Top Chef; I went shopping at H&M with Joan Cusack; and I got to meet TLC’s Doug Wilson at his bar and restaurant in central Illinois. While in Illinois I also got to ride an Amtrack train, which is a treat for someone from a city with close to the worst public transportation on earth. Apparently, all the guys on the train with matching sweatpants were just-released prisoners and I got to sit next to one! Jealous?

My most interesting art-related trip this year was when I visited a friend in Texas and we spent a weekend driving across the state to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere called Marfa, which is a full day’s drive from, well, basically, anywhere. It’s hard to describe how far into the middle of nowhere this place is. We stayed at the Hotel Paisano, which is where James Dean, Rock Hudson, and Elizabeth Taylor stayed while filming “Giant.” The reason we made the trip was to visit the Chinati Foundation, which is a huge art complex founded by the installation artist Donald Judd. It was two days of driving for one day of looking at art but it was worth it. We also spent a few hours in the evening trying to see the famous Marfa Lights, which are either an atmospheric effect, space aliens, or a hoax to see how long tourists will stand out in the cold staring at nothing (answer: pretty long).

In June, Other Eric and I took a relaxing vacation with some friends to Maui. I haven’t been to Maui since I was a child, so it was a nice getaway to someplace new, combined with the familiarity of my home state. We got to swim with turtles, go to the top of the dormant volcano Haleakala, and eat at a local chain called Zippy’s, where I ordered the diet plate: chili, rice, macaroni salad, fried chicken, and SPAM. We also drove the famous Road to Hana. What do you get at the end of the Road to Hana? You get a T-shirt that says, “I survived the Road to Hana.” It is an accomplishment. It’s a very narrow, winding road with over fifty one-lane bridges. It rained the whole way to Hana but the only eventful part of the journey was when construction work closed the road for a while, forcing me to climb into the back seat and pee in a water bottle. It completely scandalized Other Eric but didn’t faze anyone else when I told the story that night. Anyway, we drove right past Hana (and the T-shirts) and went on a four mile hike through a bamboo forrest, which we did in flip-flops. I told Other Eric not to bother taking shoes and after a few miles he was ready to kick my butt, except his feet hurt to much. I remember while growing up we would go hiking in flip-flops (or slippers, as they are known in Hawaii). We wore flip-flops for everything--sports, church, job interviews, fine dining, surgery--I only remember wearing shoes on Easter Sunday. If you didn’t like flip-flops, you were free to go barefoot! The point is, I’ll wear shoes the next time.

But the most amazing part of the trip was the road FROM Hana. We made a last-minute decision not to go back the way we came and, instead, continued going clockwise around Haleakala on the Piilani Highway. The Hana Highway is like Autopia at Disneyland compared to the back road of the Piilani Highway. It was completely closed for two years after a 2006 earthquake and only reopened a year ago; people are warned that they will void their rental car insurance; there is no radio or cellular service; and the dirt sections of the road completely wash out during the rainy season. Fortunately, although it rained all morning on the east side of the island, it was completely dry on the other side of the mountain. So the only thing we had to deal with was surviving the one-lane dirt sections with blind corners, where we were hanging off the edge of a cliff with no guardrail and no way to see if another car was coming in the other direction. It was probably the most exciting thing I’ve ever done. The scenery was breathtaking, driving over streams and lava flows, and we only came across three or four other cars during the entire two hour drive.

Well, that’s what I did this year. I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We celebrated the usual way: cooked all day, ate in 15 minutes, and then watched the parade on the DVR while my mom took photographs of the television screen so that it would feel like we were there. The big change this year is that I dry-brined the turkey instead of using Martha Stewart’s recipe that calls for covering the turkey with butter-basted cheesecloth. The Martha Stewart turkey always tasted good but it did have a tendency to catch on fire, which was a little inconvenient:

Martha Stewart: “Well, you probably weren’t using artisanal cheesecloth. And please don’t tell me you bought butter at the grocery store. What type of organic feed did you use while you were raising your turkey? WHAT?! YOU DIDN’T RAISE YOUR OWN TURKEY?! I give up. If you aren’t going to do anything properly, you can’t come crying to me when your turkey catches fire.”

Whatever, Martha. Anyway, the dry-brined turkey was very good and very easy (recipe from the Los Angeles Times). It’s much simpler than regular brining and less trouble than calling the fire department. Here’s what you’ll need: One turkey (if you didn’t realize you would need a turkey, this recipe is too advanced for you); three or four tablespoons of kosher salt (depending on the size of the turkey) ground together with sage, pepper, and bay leaves; and a fire pit tended by elderly French women (available at select Williams-Sonoma stores; alternatively, you can use a regular oven set to 325). All you have to do is rub the salt mixture all over the turkey and let it sit in a plastic bag for three days in the refrigerator. It even works with a frozen turkey; it will brine as it thaws. If you are like me, you may wonder what kind of bag to use. Well, you could do what I did and put the turkey in a tall kitchen trash bag, then do a Google search to find out if that was OK, and then freak out and go back to the store to get a brining bag. But I would recommend just getting a brining bag in the first place.

Happy holidays!

Project Runway Season Six, Finale, Part Two: This has been "How to trick your cheating husband and his mistress into murdering each other" on the Now Network, brought to you by Sprint.

Before we meet the next fashion designer who will immediately vanish into obscurity, let's get a recap of the season:

Heidi: "OK. Well, let's see. Little Sally Draper stole five dollars from her grandfather and then he died, Bree started having an affair with Susan's ex-husband at the same time that Katherine was trying to have an affair with Susan's current husband, and Kitty Walker got cancer and lost her hair. Oh, and the whole world blacked-out for about two minutes and had visions of the future! It's been a very exciting television season!"

Thanks, but I meant this season of Project Runway.

Heidi: "Oh, like anyone cares."

Anyway, we start this episode the same way we ended the last episode: with Carol Hannah throwing up:

Althea: "Carol Hannah was throwing up again."

Irina: "Really? Why?"

Althea: "Because she saw your collection. Why do you think? She's sick! Remember?"

Irina: "That's terrible. I sort of almost feel bad for her, you know?"

Althea: "Totally."

They get hair and makeup consultations:

Althea: "So, Tim, I got my hair and makeup consultation."

Tim: "Really? But Irina just had a hair and makeup consultation. It sounds like you just do everything Irina does."

Althea: "Um, OK, let's talk about the shoes I'm using."

Tim: "Shoes? But Irina is using shoes!"

Althea: "I give up."

The designers run around for a while and then Tim comes back for his mandatory pep talk:

Tim: "Gather 'round, designers. Tomorrow is the runway show. So let's get it over with and move on with our lives."

I think that was his worst pep talk since season four, when he asked the designers why they were breaking his heart.

They get to the tent at Bryant Park and the designers are running way behind. The models are not ready to go. Tim is freaking out:

Tim: "You kids are driving me crazy! Don't make me turn this tent around. I'm not joking; I will do it!"

Heidi comes out and tries to explain what she's wearing:

Heidi: "I chose this hot-pink monstrosity because of these ridiculous shoulder pads that manage to make me look like I have no neck. It conveys the feeling of shrugging in boredom, without going to all the effort."

The guest judge this season is the art nun, Sister Wendy Beckett! Oh, we love her!

Sister Wendy: "I have a confession to make: I have a passion for Poussin! [giggle]"

Isn't she adorable? But she has serious wimple hair going on there.

Althea introduces her collection:

Althea: "I was inspired by science fiction movies from the 1950s and how they saw the woman of tomorrow dressing yesterday if she thought yesterday was actually today and what that means for the future if the future were actually a long time ago. Thank you."

It's a good collection with some terrific pieces. Her pants and skirts, especially, showed some interesting silhouettes and seemed young and fresh. Was it mind-blowing? No. But still my pick for the winning collection.

Carol Hannah introduces her collection:

Carol Hannah: "I hope you like it."

Well, it's hard to dislike a bunch of pretty dresses. But there sure isn't much to get excited about.

Finally, Irina introduces her collection:

Irina: "Women: you can't live with them and you can't cover them in armor. Am I right?"

Irina showed a collection of beautiful burqas for the modern woman living in the city. At least I'm guessing they were burqas, because all I could see were black blobs walking down the runway:

Nina: "I thought we talked about this, Irina. I told you a couple of days ago that I didn't want to see an all black collection and yet you did it anyway. Why don't you just slap me in the face?"

Seriously, other than a couple of interesting sweaters, it was pretty basic Goth/dominatrix-wear. It seemed kind of dated.

After the show, we get some audience reaction. We catch up with Ari Fish. Did you happen to see her in the new Jack in the Box bowl commercial? At least I'm assuming that's the explanation for her haircut.

The judges talk to the designers and then announce the predetermined winner:

Heidi: "Congratulations, Irina. We decided you would win months ago. So you win."

Michael Kors: "Irina made hats and they were all the same but they were all a little different and that's what makes a collection."

Ugh. Whatever. Thanks for reading! See you in January for season seven!

Project Runway Season Six, Finale Part 1: I think I'm gonna barf!

Yes, I know that every episode this season has made us all want to vomit, but this episode has actual real-life puking!

Tim: "And I couldn't be more proud!"

Last time, Christopher and Gordana were out and Althea, Irina, and Carol Hannah are going to Mercedes-Benz New York Fashion Week at Bryant Park.

Heidi tells the three finalists that they will have a few months and nine thousand dollars to create a 12-piece collection.

Tim tries to describe how proud he is:

Tim: "I can't find the words. I've been looking for my thesaurus all morning but it's gone. Please let me know if you find it in the design room."

Tim visits Carol Hannah in Huntington, New York, where she moved from Charleston. She is inspired by the faux-Gothic-revival architecture of Duke University because it reminds her of fairies. Or something.

Carol Hannah asks Tim if he would like to help cook a traditional Southern meal:

Tim: "Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit! I'd be delighted!"

Next, Tim visits Irina in Manhattan and screams into an intercom:

Tim: "IRINA, IT'S TIM."

Irina: "WHAT?"

Tim: "TIM GUNN!"

Irina: "WHAT ABOUT HIM?"

Tim: "NO, I'M HERE AT YOUR BUILDING!"

Irina: "OH. WELL, COME UP."

Tim: "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE MANHATTAN IS SO LOUD! THIS GUY HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND ALL MORNING WITH A GODDAMN JACKHAMMER! I THINK HE EXPECTS A TIP!"

Irina is doing her usual knits and furs but she is also adding graphic tees with pictures of Barack Obama looking pensive yet determined:

Tim: "Irina, I'm afraid you stole that image from an AP photograph."

Irina: "It's called appropriation art, Tim! You just don't get it!"

Tim: "I don't care what you call it. The lawyers say you can't use it."

Next, Tim visits Althea in Dayton, Ohio. He almost dies in a freight elevator:

Tim: "This elevator is so ghetto."

Althea was inspired by costumes from movies:

Tim: "Althea, your clothes are looking a little too much like costumes from movies."

Althea: "Duh! That's my inspiration!"

Tim: "Why is everyone yelling at me?"

A few days before the runway show, Irina and Althea spend some uncomfortable moments in the hotel room:

Althea: "Hi, Irina. How are you?"

Irina: "Fine."

Althea: "Well, now we've completely run out of things to talk about. We'll just have to stand here looking awkward so the producers can turn this into major drama."

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Carol Hannah is patient zero for the swine flu. I just wanted to let you know that she's going to infect all of us and by next year it will be a major pandemic. Season six of Project Runway will be responsible for the deaths of fifty thousand people around the world. That's ten thousand more than season five."

This is the biggest tragedy since Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens, Live." A better name for that show would be "Andy Cohen Happens to be Unwatchable Live." Sorry for changing the subject, but I just watched that show for the first time today because Padma was on. I'm never going to make that mistake again.

Oh, wait, Tim has something to add:

Tim: "Let me just say that I couldn't be more proud."

Yeah, we know, Tim. Anyway, the next day Carol Hannah shows up in the design room to infect the other designers. Tim makes his rounds:

Althea's collection is looking old and dowdy:

Irina: "I had the idea of making old, dowdy clothes first!"

OK, seriously, Irina and Althea look like they are working on the same collection. It's Irina's knits combined with Althea's woven angled strips of fabric.

They cast their models and then Michael and Nina show up to tell the designers that they are doing everything wrong:

Michael: "Your runway show should be like going on a ride. If you've ever been in a car with Nina driving, you'll know what I'm talking about. The first look should say, 'Oh, my god, Nina, did you even look before you pulled out?!' and the second look should say, 'Jesus Christ, you're driving too fast!' The third look should say, "I think you wanted to turn left there' and the fourth look should say, 'Look out for the bike!' Finally, you'll want to end with a look that says, 'Nina, it's a red light. Nina? The light is red! NINA! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!'"

Nina: "Yeah, that is the last time I pick you up at the airport."

Nina doesn't want an all-black collection. So Irina just makes an entirely new collection:

Irina: "That would have been good advice to get several months ago but whatever."

Heidi visits the design room to announce the impending doom:

Heidi: "In a huge twist this season . . ."

They have to make a 13th look.

Heidi: "How did you know that?"

Seriously? Look, I'm perfectly fine with it but don't act like it's a surprise.

The big news this season is that the designer's main models will be casting the model for the 13th look. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Logan, Christopher, and Gordana are back to help. Logan is working with Althea, Gordana is working with Irina, and Christopher is working with Carol Hannah.

The designers walk to Mood:

Tim: "Notice that we are walking, unlike in Los Angeles, where we had to travel by hovercraft because most of the city has fallen into the Pacific ocean."

The designers visit Swatch, the dog! Cutest name for a dog, EVER!

On the model show, the models get to pick the 13th model for their designers:

Tanisha: "What is your ethnicity?"

Model: "Why do you ask?"

Tanisha: "Because I need someone really ethnic and I can't tell how ethnic you are just by looking at you."

Kalyn is tired of all these young, inexperienced models.

Lisa doesn't get her first choice of blond, willowy model so she's upset. Oh, my god, what a nail biter! Will Carol Hannah hate the model Lisa picks? The answer is no. Carol Hannah will be perfectly happy with the model, partly because the model is fine and partly because Carol Hannah has a very high fever and is hallucinating.

The models visit with their families and they tell us about growing up:

Kalyn: "I didn't go the usual route of going to college and getting a degree in modeling. I'm a self-taught model."

Tune in for the finale, when Tim gets very close to losing it:

Tim: "Obviously, I will not, in fact, lose it. But I will be in the general vicinity of losing it."

Project Runway, Season Six, Episode Twelve: Artful Dodging.

Our long national nightmare of the sixth season of Project Runway is almost over. Only one more excruciating challenge to get through and then we can move on to Fashion Week.

And rest assured, heart patients: nothing exciting or unpredictable is going to happen.

Last week Logan was out and Irina and Althea are not speaking to each other. Unfortunately, we still have to listen to them.

Heidi tells the designers about the challenge:

Heidi: "By the way, we've already decided who's going to Fashion Week so it really doesn't matter what you do for this challenge. Tim is going to take you to the Getty Center so you can be inspired by art or architecture or gardens or the view or basically anything else. Like I said, it doesn't matter."

They are at the Getty Center! Obviously on a Monday, because that's when the site is closed to the public. That means I was probably there! Unfortunately, I didn't know they were there and I didn't see anything. Oh, well.

Tim is standing with the designers and Antonio Villaraigosa in a spot that would probably be visible from my desk, if I had just bothered to stand up and look out the window.

Tim: "The mayor of Los Angeles came all the way up here just so he could be drowned out by voice-overs of you designers saying how exciting it is that the mayor is here!"

Antonio Villaraigosa: "Like I have anything better to do? Suck it, New York!"

Althea is inspired by the architecture of the site, which was designed by Richard Meier and opened in 1997. yawn.

Carol Hannah is inspired by an amazing French bed, ca.1775-1780. The upholstery, by the way, is not original. Don't quote me on this, but rumor has it this bed once belonged to Karl Lagerfeld.

Irina is making a dress inspired by a painting of a dress. boring. The painting is Mischief and Repose (1895) by John William Godward.

Christopher is inspired by a fountain in the museum courtyard. whoopee.

Christopher: "Nobody else would be able to find the beauty in a fountain at a museum that was specifically designed to be beautiful."

I'm screaming right now on the inside.

Christopher: "No, I'm talking about the algae."

That's not algae. The minerals in the water are staining the stone. It's supposed to do that. It's part of the design.

Christopher: "Well, I think I'm the only person who could find beauty in something ugly like graffiti or dirty water in a gutter."

Stop talking.

Gordana is inspired by an 1894 painting of Rouen Cathedral by Claude Monet:

Gordana: "It's so grey and boring. It reminds me of home."

Christopher is lonely as the only girl left in the boys apartment. But he doesn't know how lucky he is. Gordana and Irina became best friends, which means they are constantly having these fun arguments to prove what a cool friendship they have:

Irina: "God, Gordana, you always assume I'm making fun of you just because I probably am. You're such a pathetic moron. Ha ha!"

Gordana: "Oh, ha ha, I never get tired of your teasing, you evil cow!"

Carol Hannah: "Please stop that."

Oh, my god! Can you believe she just said that? Carol Hannah should mind her own damn business!

Carol Hannah: "I just want people to stop fighting."

Oh, yeah? You probably want peace in the Middle East, too, huh? Would that make you happy? God, you're so selfish.

We learn a little more about Irina:

Irina: "My family is from the Republic of I Don't Give a Rat's Ass. My father is a total misogynist so I'd love to win this competition because it would really drive a stake through his heart."

On to the runway. The judges are Nina, Cynthia Rowley, and home-furnishings icon Cindy Crawford.

Althea created a total disaster. I appreciate all the work that went into the skirt but fashion is more than just effort. She made a skirt out of lots of strips of fabric to represent modern architecture. Big deal. It's not an amazing concept. But if she had done it well, it could have worked. As it is, it looks awful. And I refuse to give her credit for "taking a risk" and decided to do something she clearly didn't have time to finish.

Carol Hannah made a stunningly boring evening gown. It's pretty and well made and so what?

Christopher made another dress out of the worst fabric available.

Gordana made a pretty evening gown that really relates to the Monet she used as inspiration. It's not terribly imaginative but I still think it's the best thing on the runway. However, It's looking a little Georgia-O'Keeffe-flower-painting, if you know what I mean. Let's see; how can I put this more delicately? It looks like a giant vagina. There, I said it.

Irina, at least, did not make a goddamn evening gown. But her dress still isn't great. The color is nice and I kind of like the classical look she was going for. But the dress should be light and airy; instead, it looks really thick and heavy. She needed to do something different with the lining. And, as the judges point out, the length is awful and the accessories are inexcusable.

The judges work really hard trying to figure out how to eliminate Gordana:

Nina: "I still don't know who Gordana is as a designer."

Gee, Nina, do you think that could have anything to do with the fact that you missed most of the season?

Nina: "That's one theory."

Heid tells everyone what they already know:

Heidi: "Christopher, do I even need to say it?"

Christopher: "I know. Goodbye."

Heidi: "Gordana, your dress was beautiful and you did the best job of representing your inspiration. You're out."

Gordana: "Of course."

So, Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah are going to Fashion Week based on their past work. Why did they even bother having this challenge? They basically said Gordana won this challenge but they eliminated her based on her work in previous challenges?

Heidi: "No, it was because the zipper on the back of the dress was not perfect."

Excuse me while I take a Xanax.

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Eleven: The Rest of the Rest!

That's right, this episode will feature all of this season's non-eliminated designers. Exciting!

Last week Irina won and Nicolas was sent home after he was shockingly unable to be inspired by a country he had never been to and knew nothing about.

Michael Kors: "It's so important to be reminded how inspiration works."

Right. And it's not like that.

In model news, we learn that everyone has a crush on Logan because he's a genuine human being and not because he's hot, Matar has big hair, and something went down that I'm sure will forever be known as Tape Gate. Yes, the scourge of the modelling world: double-sided tape. It starts with small amounts of spray adhesive or bits of Duct Tape but eventually they move on to the hard stuff and they can't break the habit. I look forward to the senate hearings on this important issue.

Kalyn: "I took the tape off! My breasts are plastic and that's why they look like cellophane!"

Tape Police (aka Katie): "Some day, when you least expect it, I will expose you to the world as a tape user!"

(OK, at first I thought I could see the tape sticking out after the runway, but now I'm pretty sure it was just the top of her pastie things. So I don't know which one of them is a raging psychopath. Probably both of them.)

We start this episode with the designers discussing that fact that there are only two guys left:

Christopher: "Yeah, and both of us should have been out weeks ago. How did this happen?"

Logan: "I know, right? What the hell are we still doing here?"

We start the challenge with the designers sitting with their backs to the runway. Another Project Runway first!

Christopher: "I can hear all this rustling."

Heidi: "Oh, that's just my ridiculous dress. You can turn around now."

The designers turn around to see their winning looks from past challenges. Or, in Logan's case, his least losing look.

Logan: "Seriously, why am I still here?"

The designers need to create a second look that complements their winning look (or, in Logan's case, his non-losing look).

Logan: "Yeah, I get it. You can stop doing that now."

Althea is working with her look from the Whatever challenge. It's a relaxed jacket with a cute pair of shorts and prominent bouncing breasts.

Irina is working with her Aspen look from the Constipation challenge.

Gordana is working with her shredded-lining look from the wedding dress challenge.

Christopher is working with his look from the challenge where they had to make dresses out of garbage bags. Oh, that wasn't the challenge?

Logan is working with his look from the Red Carpet challenge? Is that really the best thing he's done? Oh, dear.

Carol Hannah is working with her feathered gown from the Bob Mackie challenge.

The designers change their designs while they are picking out fabric:

Christopher: "I'm buying thirty yards of the cheapest, crappiest lining fabric I could find. I want it to look like my model is drowning in white garbage bags."

Irina: "I found this beautiful fabric. Unfortunately, I can only afford three square inches of it so it's going to be a very small dress."

Carol Hannah: "I really didn't want to make another dress."

Tim: "Well, can you do anything else?"

Carol Hannah: "Not really."

Tim: "Then I suggest you make a dress."

Then later, in the design room:

Carol Hannah: "I don't know what I'm doing."

Tim: "What happens if you put this fabric under that one? Ooh, that's beautiful! You just had a major breakthrough with this."

No, Tim, you just had a major breakthrough with that.

Althea is complaining about the fact that Carol Hannah only makes dresses and that Logan is completely stealing her previous design that had zippers on the collar:

Irina: "It's ironic that Althea is complaining about someone stealing from her, when she is totally stealing my bitchy personality."

Seriously, she should have just mentioned it to Logan when she noticed it. He obviously doesn't remember that she made that collar already. You know why? Because it was completely unmemorable.

On to the runway, where Heidi has obviously stolen Logan's idea to wear shiny silver pants to distract us from the fact that Michael Kors is gone again. There is so much stealing in this episode.

The designer judge this week is my arch-nemesis Nick Verreos. How's the Barbie dress business going, Nick?

Nick: "Shut up, bitch."

Carol Hannah sent down a cute dress designed by Tim Gunn. It's not an exciting design but it's well done and it looks beautiful up close.

Althea made another great look that is totally her aesthetic (follow the bouncing breasts). The bag-waisted pant was a huge risk and it turned out really well.

Irina made a minuscule dress under a huge sweater jacket. The dress fabric is beautiful but she obviously ran out of it and the patchiness at the bottom is not flattering.

Gordana made a really boring grey outfit. Some of the detailing on the jacket is really nice, but the overall design is terrible.

Logan went from boring to "oh, dear god, why?" Christopher is really going to have to step it up this week to create something even more awful than this.

Aaaand he does it! Christopher creates one of the most awful dresses I've ever seen!

Irina and Althea argue about the giant sweater jackets:

Irina: "There's a lot of borrowing of ideas in the design room lately."

Nick: "That happens. I steal other designers' work every day."

Althea wins! Congratulations, Althea. I think the judges got this right. This look was more fresh and interesting than the other two top designs.

Logan is out. Sorry to see you go, Logan:

Heidi: "I'm afraid your Mylar pants were not enough to save you this time."

Nick: "Call me."

So, Gordana is safe this week, though the judges really didn't like her boring look:

Nick: "She looks like an office worker in Poland."

That is so insulting. To Poland. What did Poland ever do to you, Nick?

Nick: "I just hate Poland. Poland can kiss my big gay ass."

Project Runway, Season Six, Episode Ten: The Constipation Challenge!

Michael Kors: "I've been constipated in glamorous locations all over the world! And that's what this challenge is all about: finding new ways to block you up creatively!"

Last week Carol Hannah won and Shirin was out. We are down to the final seven designers so it's time to start acting like this is a significant change from having eight designers:

Carol Hannah: "Now that we are down to seven, it's like the wolves are circling the sheep. But I don't know which of us are wolves and which are sheep. Maybe it's more like the boy who cried wolf? No, no, it's like a wolf is sheep's clothing. Except sheep don't wear clothing so I've never understood that saying. What was I talking about?"

Christopher: "Now that we are down to seven, I think I'm the underdog. With my complete lack of discernible talent, it's pretty exciting to still be here!"

Heidi: "Are you ready for your next challenge? Tim will take you to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills to meet a top designer who is known worldwide!"

Althea: "The possibilities are endless! So let's waste time discussing all of them!"

Christopher: "Rodeo Drive! There is so much wealth and power on one street! you won't find these upscale stores at a mall. Unless you go to an upscale mall."

Tim introduces Michael Kors:

Tim: "I'd like to welcome a familiar face! Where have you seen this face before, you ask? Well, you can see it on most of the old ladies in Beverly Hills who have had too much plastic surgery and spent too much time in the sun. I'm just kidding! I tease because I love!"

Michael Kors: "I am so inspired by my amazing jet-setting lifestyle that none of you will ever have!"

We are treated to a montage sequence of Michael Kors snowboarding in Aspen, wearing a speedo in St. Tropez, and of course, bungee jumping with Nancy Reagan in Dubai.

So the designers have to pick a location to be inspired by. I'm pretty sure that's not how inspiration works.

Carol Hannah decides to be inspired by Palm Beach.

Nicolas decides that he will somehow be inspired by Greece.

Althea is totally psyched to get all inspired by St. Tropez.

Gordana is going to be inspired as hell by New York.

Irina decides to be inspired by Aspen.

Christopher thinks he is going to be inspired by Santa Fe.

Logan is going to be inspired by Hollywood even if it kills him.

It's another stupid one day challenge and they get $150 for materials.

Irina buys some fake dead animals and Gordana buys some fake jewelry, because nothing says Park Avenue like rhinestones.

Back in the design room, Irina is very concerned that someone somewhere might be having a good time:

Irina: "Ugh. Everywhere I go, there are people laughing and enjoying themselves. It makes me sick."

Tim likes Althea's menswear look but he reminds her that it isn't actually menswear because no man would wear a chiffon dress shirt. Meanwhile, you can tell he's dying to try it on.

Christopher is well on his way to making another complete disaster.

Nicolas says he's doing something different but to me it looks like pants and a top.

Nicolas: "Well, someone could definitely wear this in Greece. Ooooh, I'm so creatively constipated!"

Irina consults Tim:

Irina: "Tim, what are you going to do about the fact that I'm the only talented one here?"

Tim: "Why are you like this?"

Michael and Nina are both back this week! Yay! And they are joined by world-famous fashion designer Milla Jovovich. Oh, yeah, you heard me. She's a fashion designer. Deal with it.

Logan made another perfectly acceptable outfit. Jeans, a sleeveless top, and a strange black vest thingy. It looks well made and completely wearable. And If I have trouble sleeping tonight, I'll try thinking about this outfit.

Althea made another pair of shorts that are too short. But I really like the chiffon top cut like a man's shirt. It's very cute and I can see someone wearing it at a cafe in St. Tropez.

Nicolas made a perfectly decent outfit that doesn't look inspired by anything.

Carol Hannah made a long flowing print dress that, as she points out, looks like something you could buy anywhere. It also looks like the dress Qristyl made for the beach challenge.

Other Eric: "It looks like an Uli Herzner original."

Me: "Yeah, if Uli were a costume designer on The Golden Girls."

Christopher made an outfit that looks like no effort went into it. It's just a simple brown skirt with some blue fabric draped over the shoulders for a top. Anyone could make this at home with a couple of yards of fabric. But who would want to? And even a year or two ago when this was filmed, this color combination was already dated.

Irina made an outfit that's a little bit of a cliche but it's well done and it looks good.

Gordana made a pretty cocktail dress that isn't especially inspiring.

Althea is safe; the other six are the top and bottom.

The judges think Irina's is a fantasy 1980s version of Aspen but they really like it.

Milla Jovovich likes Christopher's belt but the judges hate everything else about his outfit.

The judges love Carol Hanna's boring dress, for some reason.

Milla Jovovich likes Nicolas' top but the judges don't get the Greece reference:

Michael Kors: "It's more like the movie Grease."

How the hell is it like the movie Grease?

Michael: "You know the big roller-disco finale?"

That's not Grease.

Michael: "Give me a break! I'm contractually obligated to make a clever remark and I'm really jet-lagged."

The judges like Gordana's necklace.

Heidi: "We like Gordana's look but it's very important that I have something to criticize her about."

Milla Jovovich: "She lacks confidence."

Heidi: "Perfect."

The judges don't hate Logan's look but Milla wants him to spray paint the jeans and Michael wants him to "blow the jean's shape out," whatever that means. Heidi didn't mind it:

Milla Jovovich: "Well, if he ever goes on Project I Didn't Mind It, he'll definitely win."

Man, We all knew she was a world-famous fashion designer but who knew she was such a world-class wit? Where does she find the time?

Irina wins. That was the right decision this week.

Irina: "Ugh. You don't know how hard it is to be me. Now I have to top the amazing work I've already done. Sometimes I wish I were as talentless as the other designers. No matter what they do, it will be an improvement."

Nicolas is out. That was the wrong decision. His outfit had nothing to do with Greece but it wasn't a bad outfit. Christopher's outfit had nothing to do with the challenge AND it was completely awful. He's safe because he made a cute belt? I can usually figure out a justification for the judges' decisions but this time I can't.

Sorry, Nicolas.

Nicolas: "This is the last you've heard of me."

You know what, Nicolas? Screw you for being so funny I can't even mock you.