Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 5: New Directions!

Heidi: "My product line is for New Balance, not New Directions."

I know. I just wanted to hear you say 'new directions.'

Heidi: "Look, I pay you a lot of money to promote my product line."

No, you don't.

Heidi: "Really? Well, would you mind doing it just because I'm pretty?"

Well, OK. Buy Heidi's New Balance product line, everyone! Like I've said in the past, her clothes are perfect for women who want to look like they might go to the gym.

Heidi: "Thank you."

Last week Kimberly won and Julie was out. Cecilia is really pissed off because she did absolutely everything she could think of to get kicked off the show and yet she's still there:

Cecilia: "I made a beige dress for Nina Garcia! It was a metaphor for stabbing her in the heart! Do I need to actually kill someone to get out of here?"

Anyway, over in the boy's apartment, even though it's a little early in the episode, it's time for our favorite segment of the show called...say it with me...Bert Gets Confused!:

Viktor: "Hey, Bert, what are those boxes there on the counter?"

Bert: "What boxes?"

Viktor: "The boxes right in front of you."

Bert: "I don't know what you're talking about, Sean. I can't see anything on the counter because it's covered with all these boxes."

So, apparently, while the designers dreamed of sugarplums, the elves brought them packages. And it is pretty magical because at this point the designers are still sleeping in the living room and yet they slept through this delivery. The designers are as exciting as kids on Christmas morning:

Laura: "I hope it's a miniature pony!"

Bryce: "I hope it's an easy-bake oven!"

Close. It's running shorts and sneakers. The designers head over to the New Balance Track and Field Center, where they all die.

Well, not quite. But those New Balance shoes are really dangerous. Olivier trips and nearly kills himself.

Heidi: "That has never happened before!"

Look, I'm sure Olivier is not your target demographic. In fact, it looked like running was a completely new concept for him. Poor thing. I seriously almost passed out watching this scene. I think this show may be too violent for me.

Oh, wait! I forgot! Before that happened, Cecilia decided to quit. Heidi makes a little speech that reflects either the fact that they have too much time to fill or there have been legal issues:

Heidi: "I want to make it very clear that the designers are not being kept here against their will. We are not, I repeat, NOT holding their family members hostage in exchange for their participation on this show. Do not believe those rumors. Cecilia is free to leave at any time. I will make sure she regrets it for the rest of her life."

Cecilia: "What?"

Heidi: "I said there are no hard feelings, and I wish you the best of luck in the rest of your life."

So, the team leaders are the first four runners who finished a lap and they pick from the other designers:

Josh picks Anya and Becky
Bryce picks Kimberly and Daniel
Anthony Ryan picks Laura and (reluctantly) Bert
Viktor picks Olivier and will get to choose a returning designer

OK, that is pretty crazy! Viktor gets to choose which eliminated designer actually gets to return to the show! For some strange reason, all the designers want Josh C. to return. Apparently, everyone loves him. It's very sweet. Either that, or they know he will be the weakest competition. No, that's just being cynical.

So, yes, we have two Joshes on the show again and I have to distinguish between them when I'm writing my recaps. What a pain in the ass. I don't have time to be typing in the first letter of their last names! I'm very busy! Doesn't anyone on this show consider my feelings?!

Anyway, the challenge is for the teams of three to create three casual looks to wear with sneakers and the winning look will be produced as part of Heidi's New Balance line.

Becky and Bert are not being allowed to participate in their teams. While the editing doesn't actually show Bert being such a terrible teammate, I think it isn't a coincidence that nobody likes working with him. Becky, on the other hand, seems cooperative, but Josh Not C. is just being an asshole. He is totally rude to her for hours and she finally goes and cries in the toilet and then he gives her a half-assed apology:

Josh Not C.: "Becky, I am really sorry that you design dowdy clothes. And I mean that sincerely. We are all just tired. I'm sure if we all weren't so tired, we would all just agree that you are untalented and there would be no problem. So, are we good?"

Becky: "Yeah, OK."

Time for the runway. Heidi is wearing a black sequined trash bag. There is a guest judge. That's all I can tell you about that.

Some of the garments were pretty good and others weren't. I don't have time to describe them, because it takes too much time typing in the first letters of the last names of the two Joshes.

Viktor wins with a wrinkly dress and a biker jacket. Then Josh Not C. also wins with Anya's maxi dress, which didn't make much sense, but whatever.

The loser causes more problems. Anthony Ryan created one of the worst looks in history, but Danielle also made a terrible look and she hasn't demonstrated any ability to make anything other than terrible looks. Heidi and Nina argue over the rules of the competition. Nina thinks a designer's promise should be factored into the judging, while Heidi has a more strict German view about rules:

Heidi: "The Ten Commandments of Project Runway are very clear. The First Commandment states: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, unless thy neighbor's ass is totally awesome, in which case nobody would blame thee. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the wrong one. It's the second one: One day thou art in and the next thou shalt be out."

Nina: "Don't be so uptight, man. You're totally harshing my buzz. You need to open your mind and experience the universe."

In general, I agree with Nina. We shouldn't be so uptight about rules. If two looks are almost equally bad, the judges should be free to take other things into consideration. But in this case, Anthony Ryan's look was far worse than Danielle's and I think Heidi is right.

Heidi is overruled and Danielle is sent home.

Heidi: "Please buy my clothes. But please do not go jogging in them or you will be severely injured."

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 4: Nina, Nina, Nina!

This episode is all about Nina.

Michael: "I'm sick of it! All I ever hear is how great Nina is at this, or how wonderful Nina is at that! Nina, Nina, Nina!"

uh, anyway ...

Heidi: "So, Nina, why don't you tell us everything you don't like."

Nina: "Well, I don't like prints or colors or puffiness or pleats or ... you know what? I just realized something. I don't really like clothes."

Nina leaves the show to pursue her lifelong dream of operating her own gourmet food truck called NinaBites.

Nina, we'll miss you, but we wish you well in your new endeavor! Meanwhile, the designers still have to create looks that will go from day to evening:

Heidi: "I would be nervous if I were you. But, of course, I'm not you. I'm me and I have nothing to be nervous about. I hope that makes you feel better."

The designers look at past images of Nina. I never really noticed that she only wore black and white:

Tim: "Designers, we don't want to see a gray runway show. We only want to see black and white. Make sure the models walk slowly so the black and white doesn't blur together into gray."

Major drama at Mood:

Ryan Anthony and Becky pick the same print! DRAMA! Ryan Anthony is sure Becky did it on purpose, which totally makes sense (if you are an idiot).

We learn that Julie became a designer because she was tired of being a bartender:

Julie: "Those are the only two professions, right?"

Now for a new segment of the show called Why is He Telling Us This?:

Viktor: "This is muslin. You use it to make a test garment before you use your actual fabric. You're welcome."

And that's all you need to know to make your own clothes at home. Seriously, why is he telling us this? Oh, now I understand why that's the name of the segment.

Anthony Ryan calls his fiance, who I'm going to call Joaquin Dakota, just for the hell of it:

Anthony Ryan: "I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm being sent home because that's what happens when someone calls a loved one on this show."

Joaquin Dakota: "Oh, that's so three seasons ago. They don't do that anymore."

Anthony Ryan: "That's wonderful news! Bye now!"

Tim goes into the design room to deliver his "two-hours-for-hair-and-makeup" speech, but the room is empty:

Tim: "Oh, no. The Rapture must have happened. It's a Project Runway first!"

For once, that actually would have been a Project Runway first, but it turns out the designers are really just hiding in the sewing room. Tim tells them to hurry the hell up.

Cecilia stopped caring about her own garment long ago (and pretends that she can't find the dye), so she helps Julie glue her dress together. And Laura Kathleen has immunity so she helps Anya. Despite warnings to the contrary during her audition, Anya actually can get other people to do her sewing for her during the competition. Viktor thinks this is cheating, although there are no rules against designers helping each other.

The winner of this challenge will get a spread in Marie Claire and advertisements featured on New York City taxicabs. Joanna Coles, representing Marie Claire, is a guest judge. There is another guest judge, Kerry Washington, who I assume is representing the taxi companies, because that's the only explanation for the presence of a fifth judge.

Joshua made a red and gray color-blocked sheath. It's fine.
Bert made a little black dress. It's fine.
Olivier made pants with a weird vesty-top thingy. It's fine.
Anthony Ryan made a little puffy skirt and a print top. It's fine.
Becky made a print dress. You guessed it: it's fine.
Kimberly made a really nice look with a gold top and navy pants. It's not as earth-shatteringly amazing as the judges would have you believe, but it is really nice.
Cecilia made a tan and gray dress that is clearly the most retched thing on the runway this week.
Anya presented a cute jumpsuit. The judges are impressed with her sewing skills. Viktor almost pees himself.
Danielle made an awful apple-green chiffon blouse and black pants. Horrible.
Julie made what could have been a cute coat dress, had the execution not been such a disaster.
Bryce made a short gray jersey dress. It's not great.
Laura Kathleen made a green satin dress. She has immunity, so I won't go to all the trouble of having an opinion about it.
Viktor made a dramatic black suit/dress. I like it. The only complaint comes from Michael, who thinks it looks very current, and he wanted to see what Nina will be wearing next season.

Now for the segment of the show called Bert Gets Confused!:

Bert: "Well, I really think that gay Mormon kid has a shot of winning the whole thing."

I think Bert seems a little confused. Oh, right, now I understand why that's the name of the segment.

During the judging, the taxi woman is really unnecessary, but Joanna Coles manages to say some strange things. First, she complains about Julie's coat dress:

Joanna Coles: "Is it a coat? Is it a dress? Is it some sort of hybrid of the two?"

YES! IT'S A COAT DRESS! What is so confusing about that? Next, she complains about Danielle's top:

Joanna Coles: "That green chiffon top looks like something a housewife would wear in the kitchen to make acorn-squash puree for her children."

Other Eric: "What the hell is she talking about?"

Michael Kors: "I think what Joanna is trying to say is it looks like something Joan Crawford would wear to a Saint Patrick's Day party."

Other Eric: "Now, he knows his audience!"

Kimberly wins! I think that was the right choice.

Julie is out. OK, that was obviously the wrong choice.

Well, that's it. But before we go, we have an announcement from Lifetime Television:

Don't miss Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho on the hit Lifetime show Drop Dead Diva:

Kathy Griffin: "You're a bitch!"

Margaret Cho: "No, you're a bitch!"

Have you ever heard anything so hilarious and outrageous in all your life?

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 3: Plus-size challenge!

We start the episode with Josh spending an eternity doing completely mysterious things to his hair, all the while complaining about how Fallene seems more interested in hair than in designing clothes:

Josh: "All she talks about is hair. I bet she hasn't even had grain training."

Grain training, for those of you who don't know, is that thing where you learn how to cut fabric pieces with the grain of the fabric so they don't go all wonky. You have to go to school for at least four years to learn how to do this. The only way to test out of this training is to be voted Miss Trinidad and Tobago.

Heidi comes out on stage wearing stilts. Then she appears on the catwalk to explain that there will be special stilt-walking models this week.

Me: Why do they need special models? If Heidi can do it, it can't be that hard to walk in those stilts?

Other Eric: "You'll notice we did not see Heidi step down on to the catwalk."

Ah, I missed that! Obviously, she was lifted with a crane and set down on the catwalk. OK, they probably need special models to do the real walking.

So, this is the dreaded plus-size challenge.

Heidi: "Your regular models are very small and they don't represent 'real women.' Most women are closer to ten feet tall, so this week you will be designing for them!"

Well, it's nice to finally get a real-world challenge. Designers never think about designing for the ten-foot-tall woman. For additional excitement, the designers are paired off:

Bert and Ernie, the squabbling comedy duo from our childhood.

Anthony Ryan and Laura Kathleen, a team with four first names and one testicle.

Joshua and Julie, a team with an unspecified number of testicles.

Danielle and Cecilia, a team I totally don't care about.

Anya and Olivier, the apparent dream-team of the challenge.

Bryce and Fallene, the apparent nightmare-team of the challenge.

and Kimberly and Becky, two designers who wouldn't be able to pick the other out of a police line-up.

Bert and Ernie immediately start one of their hilarious arguments:

Bert: "I think we should do Old Hollywood."

Ernie: "Yeah, like Mae West. Let's do pants."

Bert: "Mae West never wore pants. You are a complete moron and I'm not speaking to you anymore. Also, if you don't get your rubber duckie out of the bathtub, I'm going to set it on fire and then watch you cry."

Oh, those two always make me laugh. Unfortunately, after such a good start, things go downhill:

Ernie: "I'm thinking an Elizabethan look, with a little shapeless dress and a coat and pillbox hat all in matching pastel fabric."

Bert: "That's not Elizabethan! You're describing Queen Elizabeth the second! I can't work with someone who doesn't know one queen from another!"

Ernie: "Being around you has taught me more than I want to know about queens."

Bert: "One of these days, Ernie ..."

The other teams are not faring much better. Josh thinks Julie doesn't understand couture like he does. Kimberly and Becky both think the other is being too costumey. Danielle and Cecilia are arguing about, oh, who gives a crap. Anya and Olivier are getting along really well, but maybe too well:

Olivier: "This challenge is really about working together with your teammate. And I think Anya and I are working together really well."

Are you forgetting something?

Olivier: "I don't think so."

Are you supposed to be creating a garment for this challenge?

Olivier: "Oh, right. Well, we'll get to that, if we have time."

Meanwhile, the supposed nightmare team is managing to live up to all expectations:

Bryce: "You need to cut those pieces on the grain. Have you had grain training?"

Fallene: "No, I haven't had grain training."

Bryce: "O to the M to the G. I can't believe you haven't had grain training. Well, there's no way I can help you because it takes at least four years of training to cut a piece of fabric on the grain. So, you'll just have to cut out the pieces all wrong and then sew them up into a completely unusable garment. Seriously, I would totally show you how to do it but, obviously, I need to spend my time complaining about you to the other designers."

Fallene: "Of course. I completely understand."

Bryce: "Oh, my god, you guys! You are not going to believe this! Fallene has not had grain training!"

Josh: "You mean, like, she only had, like, two years of grain training?"

Bryce: "No! She didn't have ANY grain training at all!"

Josh: "That's impossible! You can't get your license to buy fabric until you've had at least some grain training. AND HOW DID SHE EVEN GET A PAIR OF SCISSORS?!!!"

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Designers, please gather 'round. It has come to my attention that one of you has not had grain training."

Fallene: "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such a big deal."

Tim: "Well, that's the point, Fallene. If you had had the training, you would understand. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to clean up your workspace."

Fallene is out. Sorry, Fallene. We'll miss you.

The designers head over to the first outdoor public runway in Project Runway history! It's a huge event, with a crowd of literally tens of people!

Heidi: "Welcome, everybody! I see someone brought me flowers. Seriously? Only one person? Well, never mind. Let's start the show!"

Josh and Julie created a blinged out matador costume. It was dramatic and seemed well made. It was not until I saw the other looks that I realized how bad the proportions were on this one. I can see how in theory you might think the cape-inspired sleeve would help balance out the extended leg, but in reality it just made the model's arms look shorter.

Bert and Ernie created the worst Queen Elizabeth costume ever:

Queen Elizabeth II: "Hated it. I wouldn't even force Camilla to wear that piece of crap."

Bryce made a stupid black tutu. And I'm sorry, but the little maroon bustier top would not have helped. It still would have been crazy boring.

Becky and Kimberly created a really great look with a beautifully tailored pant and jacket. The proportions were perfect. Yes, the collar was a little "Star Trek," but I can understand Becky wanting to add some dramatic detail.

Anya and Olivier made a super-boring purple print dress with an ugly chopped-up top. I did not get this look at all.

Cecelia and Danielle made a chiffon pant and top in brown and teal. I loved that color combination ... about seven years ago. Now it looks really dated and the overall look was very matronly. The judges, of course, think this color palette is just as fresh and exciting as it was last season, when it was used in the winning collection of She Who Must Not Be Named. I have to admit that I might have liked this better if the hair weren't so awful. It's hard to say, because I just couldn't ignore it, as hard as I tried. And, although I didn't love the look, I have to admit that it was very well made and the proportions were perfect.

Anthony and Laura made a red dress that was very good. I wasn't as in love with it as the judges were, but I can't really find anything to criticize about it, so I guess that makes it the winner.

Heidi: "Which one of you is responsible for this winning look?"

Anthony: "Well, I decided that Laura should get the win, which is a not-so-subtle way of saying that I'm really responsible for the look."

Heidi: "Great! Laura, you win!"

Anthony: "son of a bitch, I mean, I am so happy for her."

Project Runway Season 9, Episode 2: Off the Leash!

Joshua: "Yay, my favorite! The S&M challenge!"

Speaking of leashes, I would like to take this opportunity to remind all my readers not to put your pet chimpanzee on a leash. Apparently, it really pisses them off. And when they get pissed off, they take over the planet and enslave the human race. And who can afford to be enslaved in this economy? Seriously, if there is one thing we have learned from this latest debt-ceiling debate it's this: do not piss off the chimpanzees! Thank you. Now back to the show:

Well, Bert, you had a good run. We all knew it wouldn't last forever. How could it? You lived your life like a candle in the wind. You won the first challenge, the judges loved you, the audience loved you, your fellow designers loved you, the universe loved you. Obviously, the only thing to do in that situation is to completely give up:

Bert: "Well, back when I worked for Halston, that's how it was done."

Believe me, I get it. The 70s were crazy for me, too. I applied to grad school just to avoid being sent to Vietnam. I was only four years old, but I wasn't taking any chances. The point is, it's time to move on.

The designers head off to a pet store to pick out their S&M gear. This challenge is about using unconventional materials in creative ways, and not simply finding material that looks like fabric and making a normal dress. Tim reminds the designers not to be dumbasses:

Tim: "I can tell that some of you will be tempted to be dumbasses. So I'm going to be clear about this: don't be a dumbass!"

Bert: "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did he say to be a dumbass or NOT to be a dumbass."

Does it really make a difference?

Bert: "Probably not. I have immunity either way."

Anthony Ryan, who has two first names but only one testicle, is trying to stand apart from the other designers:

Anthony Ryan: "Everyone else went straight to the chimpanzee section, so I went in the opposite direction and got bird seed. That's the kind of badass thing you can expect from someone who's rocking one, like I am."

So, yes, most of the other designers are filling their baskets with ape bedding and Purina chimp chow. Becky, however, somehow wandered into a Michael's and ended up with silk flowers and scrapbooking supplies. What the hell was up with that?

Joshua (not super-gay Mormon Joshua, but excessively-gay non-Mormon Joshua) tells us he was raised in a theater:

Excessively-Gay Joshua: "My parents abandoned me in a theater as a baby and I was raised backstage by the actors. That's why my skin looks like this."

Oh, I was wondering about that.

So, then we get a bunch of scenes of people gluing crap onto muslin, and then a bunch of clips of the designers telling us how insane it is that everyone is gluing crap onto muslin, and then we're done.

The designers invade the Miss Clairol Hair and Makeup Studio, or whatever it's called, and make their usual demands: "glossy and flowy," "bendy and bouncy," "flowery and flaccid," "sophisticated yet outdated," "modern elderly chic," "Make her look like Courtney Love, but not as classy," etc.

Then it's on to the runway. The guest judge is someone I've never heard of, so she's obviously nobody important. I really don't think most of the designers brought it this week. Most of the looks were just OK. There was one clear loser:

Bert: "Does my garment meet the challenge? Not even close. How much effort did I put into it? None. Is it a horrible, tacky mess? You bet. But the important thing is that I have immunity."

Julie's woven paper dress is not good. Bryce's handkerchief dress is terrible. The two dresses with woven material stuck onto them are not great. Becky's dress is fine, but it's made out of silk flowers and doesn't have anything to do with a pet store. Fallene's skirt fabric, made out of orange fish-tank plants, is pretty, but the overall look is not good. Laura's cardboard skirt was dreadful, but at least she knew enough not to send her model out naked.

Josh, however, just makes Nina sigh. Nina's sighs are like when doves cry; you have no idea what it means, but you know it's not good. He's out.

Still, all those horrible looks were better than the suggestion from the guest judge:

Unknown Guest Judge: "You should have made a ball gown covered with stuffed cat toys."

OK, I understand her desire for a little drama, after seeing that dull group of dresses, but that was a very tacky and unoriginal idea.

The judges just barely keep Bryce, complaining about having to see so many terrible napkin dresses over the years:

Michael: "I have been sitting in this chair for such a long time. My butt cheeks are completely numb. Seriously, I don't know if I can even stand up anymore. I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about."

There were a few looks that didn't completely suck. Victor at least did a good job transforming his pee-pads, although the design was boring. Danielle's look was nice, but I don't know if it was a very creative use of materials (and it also looked really familiar).

Two looks were actually really good! Olivier made a dog-bed top that looked like it came right off a Paris runway. However, we have to deduct a few points because it is basically fabric. The skirt, made out of hamster bedding, was good. The overall silhouette was definitely the most fashionable look of the evening. I can understand why he won.

Nina: "It's very EDITORIAL! You could photograph it and put it in a MAGAZINE!"

Whatever, Nina. But making a great look was only part of the challenge. The main part of the challenge was finding the most creative use of pet-store materials. And for that, you have to give it up for Anthony Ryan, who, despite coming very close to being a complete douchebag, was still able to make a beautiful little dress from birdseed. Yes, the design of the dress was not exciting, but the birdseed looked beautiful! It was my favorite, and Heidi agrees:

Heidi: "It comes down the age-old question: hamster bedding or birdseed?"

Michael: "Exactly. It reminds me of what my grandmother used to say: 'Get that goat out of my bedroom!'"

Project Runway Season Nine: Project Runway and Deathly Hallows, Part Two! (Warning: there are absolutely no Harry Potter spoilers ahead)

Eric Three Thousand is brought to you this week by Hebrew National hotdogs:

God: "OMFG, they're kosher!"

Thank you, God. OK, so we left off last time with our young hero, Mondo, watching helplessly as the master of the Dark Arts, Michael Kors, violently murdered our trusted mentor, Professor Tim Gunn, by throwing him off the roof of the Atlas Apartments. This leaves Heidi and Nina to search for the horcrux:

Nina: "I most certainly am not wasting my time searching for some horcrux."

Heidi: "Oh, come on, Nina, horcrux is delicious! It's so refreshing served over ice."

Nina: "You're thinking of horchata."

Heidi: "Oh, right. Can we search for some of that?"

Nina: "Sure. Just let me grab my purse."

OK, so remember how season eight of Project Runway NEVER HAPPENED? Good. I think we're all on the same page. So we start this season with the casting special, featuring the last winner of Project Runway, Seth Aaron! That's right, he's the last winner of Project Runway, because season eight NEVER HAPPENED! Got it? Don't make me say it again!

Seth Aaron: "I'm self-taught, so I really like the self-taught designers, because they're self-taught, and since I'm self-taught, I'm really intrigued by self-taughtedness."

Whatever. Can you at least find some people who know how to sew.

Seth Aaron: "Absolutely. We are only going to be selecting people who have at least two months of sewing experience."

Good. OK, so the casting show is really not very exciting. Tim tells us he's going to show us a bunch of "comic relief" and then doesn't. For some reason, there are way too many menswear designers on the show.

Designer: "My menswear would translate really well into womenswear. All you have to do is take my menswear and change it into womenswear. See? It's just that simple."

Then why didn't you do that and bring some womenswear into the audition?

Designer: "Because it's not that simple."

Tim tells us about the importance of diversity in selecting the final group of designers:

Tim: "And by diversity, what I really mean is that all the designers should be Mormon."

Fun fact #1: Most Mormons dream of being fashion designers.

Fun fact #2: All Mormons are gay.

On to the first episode: This will be a very short recap because I haven't bothered to learn the designers' names and not much happened. Tim wakes up the designers at five in the morning for a come-as-you-are challenge. They have to create looks using only their pajamas, one cotton-poly bed-sheet, and apparently unlimited quantities of lace and feathers. Then we have a runway full of perfectly adequate clothing. Nothing very exciting. Christina Ricci is the guest judge. Burt won. Five people went home. Technically, four designers didn't even make it to the first challenge, but the point is five people were sent home in the first episode. And that's basically what happened. It maybe wasn't such a strong start to the season, but I think it will get better.

Tim: "Enjoy one of the top ten seasons of Project Runway ever!"

Yeah, well, I hope we get to learn a little about the models this season:

Heidi: "One model is a Gemini and one model is from Italy."

OK, slow down. Waaay too much information. I said I wanted to learn a little bit about the models, not get their whole life story! Geez!

Anyway, Rafael, Serena, Gunnar, and two other people went home:

Serena: "I postponed my wedding in Iceland for this. Oh, well. I could only do this once, but I can fly to Iceland any time."

Bjork: "Oh, no you can't."

Why would you say that, Bjork?

Bjork: "Because I'm quirky and adorable and I say silly things."

Aww, she's so cute!

Bjork: "Also, the volcanos will kill you."

I think that's Greenland.

Bjork: "No one cares."

Eric Three Thousand on Hiatus!

I'm afraid I have to take a break from blogging for a little while so I can concentrate on my new job. I want to thank all of you for reading and I will try to come back for the highly-anticipated 87th season of Project Runway!

The Fashion Show Season Two, Finale: Well, that was mildly disappointing.

Can we just pretend that didn't happen? Can we all just agree that the season really ended last week with that really great fashion show from Dominique and Calvin? It was such a high note on which to end.

No? We actually have to acknowledge that anticlimactic finale? Alright, fine.

So, Iman tells the designers they have one week and a few thousand dollars, give or take, to create a nine-piece final collection. Then she sends them off to work.

After a few days, Iman and Isaac travel around to check on the designers' progress:

Iman: "Isaac, what kind of car is this? This is the biggest, ugliest limo I have ever seen!"

Isaac: "This is a public bus. Some people don't have drivers so they use these to get around the city."

Iman: "Poor people are so clever."

OK, so they didn't really do home visits. Instead, they give the designers one last twist at the end of the week: they have to create a tenth look. Each designer is asked to do something specific with his or her tenth look, apparently based on what the judges think has been lacking in their work.

Dominique is asked to make a business look, Calvin is asked to make pants, and Jeffrey is asked to make another boring dress:

Iman: "Yes, but a boring STRAPLESS dress. I have a specific event I need it for. AND I NEED IT RIGHT AWAY!"

The three designers are then paired up with their former lovers, who were previously eliminated from the show:

Jeffrey: "OH, MY GOD, CINDY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

Get a room, you two!

On to the boring runway shows. I was really expecting so much more after last week. But we got mostly standard "wearable" clothes.

Calvin's collection wasn't bad. I don't know what else to say about it.

Dominique's was the best of the three, in my opinion. But it still wasn't as interesting as I was hoping for from her. Her show production was good. She had a few good looks and only two big mistakes. Her weird final look could have been fine, if it had had anything to do with the rest of the collection. But it just looked out of place. Her other mistake was her businesswoman look. What business is that woman supposed to be in? Did she invent Post-it notes?

Jeffrey put me to sleep, as usual. At the beginning of the season, I thought he would be a little more experimental. He talked about making unisex clothing, but I don't think he knows what unisex means. Wearing women's clothes doesn't make them unisex. His tenth look is dull, dull, dull. The judges love it. He wins. Congratulations, Jeffrey.

Anyway, I was rooting for Dominique throughout the competition and I still think she had the best final collection, but all three collections were pretty disappointing, so I don't really care who won.

Isaac: "Tune in next season, which is scheduled to air sometime between really soon and never!"

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Nine: Elements of an overused challenge!

Ricky Gervais: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. I'd like to introduce Isaac Mizrahi. Mel Gibson just told me Isaac is Jewish. He's obsessed!"

Isaac: "Thank you, Ricky. That joke was was as shocking and new as Michael Kors' Spring collection."

Ricky: "And now please welcome America's sweetheart: Iman! Iman just told me that she hates poor people because they smell bad."

Iman: "That's actually true. I totally said that."

This week is the completely uninspiring challenge of being inspired by the elements. They will be using earth, water, and air as inspiration:

Fire: "What am I, chopped liver?"

Sorry. Fire is so last season.

Fire: "You do not want to mess with me!"

The designers go out on a boat. They have to catch as many fish as possible to use in the challenge:

Calvin: "Yes! This challenge is going to be a hot Calvin Tran-y mess!"

It sure is! The designers are split into teams of two, creating collections of six looks. The fashion-house concept is back and it finally works. Two people is apparently a small enough team to cooperate and make a cohesive collection. And six looks are just barely enough to qualify as a small collection. So, yeah, I thought we got two good collections this week. But that doesn't mean the concept worked for the entire show. In fact, the two fashion houses are completely meaningless, since the designers kept moving around. I think Dominique is the only one to stay in the same house throughout the competition.

Anyway, as usual, nothing interesting happens and then suddenly there is a runway show.

Cesar and Jeffrey make a collection of pretty blue flowing dresses based on water, which is totally obvious and boring:

Cesar: "But they are pretty."

YES, THEY ARE PRETTY! SO PRETTY I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL!

Seriously, Cesar's draped dress is beautiful and probably the best thing he's done all season, but the collection on the whole is so boring I just don't care.

Jeffrey also made some nice boring dresses and topped it off with a ridiculous giant vintage tiara that looked so out of place it was hilarious:

Nina Garcia: "The model looked like Miss Guatemala."

Yeah, I totally get why he picked it. I'm sure ever since he was a little girl he's dreamed of being in the Miss America pageant and getting to parade around in the sash and tiara. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, and he just didn't consider what it would look like on the runway.

Calvin and Dominique put on the best show of the season. I thought it was dramatic and mesmerizing. It evoked nature and earthiness instead of giving us the predictable literal translation of water. I loved the collection more than the individual pieces, which I think is fine. It was an avant-garde show that provoked an emotional response. It felt modern and exciting, even if all the clothes weren't wearable.

A few pieces could definitely be translated into ready-to-wear. The judges really liked Calvin's camel coat and Dominique's shorts look with a voluminous white top. And it was impressive how those two looks complemented each other so perfectly, while clearly being the work of the individual designers.

The looks the judges didn't like were Dominique's droopy, shapeless white dress covered by a droopy, shapeless white caftan. It definitely looked under-designed, although I thought it worked alright with the feel of the show. They also didn't like Calvin's "pregnancy" look. The skirt was nice and the top was certainly strange and dramatic and worked with the collection, but the judges found it contrived. I can't disagree with them on that, although I still thought it was interesting. It's a look that would need to be toned WAY down for ready-to-wear and I didn't like the silhouette as much as I liked Dominique's hunchback dress last week, but I didn't hate it:

Isaac: "I didn't hate it, either. I didn't like it enough to hate it."

huh?

Isaac: "You know when you like something so much you hate it?"

not really

Isaac: "Well, it's kind of like when you hate something so much you like it. But the opposite."

Oh. Now I know what you mean.

So, in a shocking turn of events, the judges give the win to the interesting collection, instead of the pretty collection that would look good on Iman!

Eric and Eric: "Yay!"

Iman: "Calvin and Dominique, I would not be caught dead in any of your clothes. And yet, you are going to the finals. Congratulations! Here, have a car."

Then, as if that weren't enough, there is an exciting bonus challenge! Jeffrey and Cesar compete in a sew-off to see which one can fix his worst look. Cesar manages to make his look slightly better but Jeffrey actually manages to make his mess look really good. Jeffrey wins!

So Cesar joins Eduardo as another early favorite who will not make it to the final. Calvin, Dominique, and Jeffrey are the final three.

Tune is next week when this all mercifully ends!

The Fashion Show Season Two Episode Eight: Accessories to the crime!

The designers meet Iman at some cool vintage fashion shop, where Simon Doonan passes out quirky accessories that will inspire looks for this week's collections:

Simon Doonan: "Without eccentricity, fashion is just clothing."

Iman: "And without clothing, eccentricity is just nakedness."

Wow. That is so deep. You are totally blowing my mind.

We return to the completely pointless fashion-house premise, with Cesar and Jeffrey making a four-look "collection" for House of Emerald, and Dominique, Calvin, and Eduardo creating a six-look collection for House of Nami. I'm sorry, but four looks just really doesn't make a collection:

Isaac: "It does if you make them all one color!"

Oh, right. I forgot. If dresses are all the same color, then they magically become a collection.

Isaac: "Well, you know the old saying: if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it's probably Penelope Cruz!"

That is not ... oh, forget it.

Not much drama this week. Calvin was so awful during the last challenge that the producers had to give him the requisite "humanizing" treatment this week. But I don't think anything could humanize him:

Calvin: "My partner is dying."

Shit. They did it. How am I supposed to call him a big old bitch after he tells us that?

Calvin: "Also, I plan to give every cent of my hypothetical winnings to charity."

That would be very generous if he had any chance of winning, which he doesn't.

First up is House of Nami. I think they messed up with the styling. If they had styled the models in a more consistent way, it could have made the collection look a little more cohesive.

Dominique was the only designer who met the challenge this week. She created two eccentric designs inspired by the accessories she was given. So, obviously, she's up for elimination. She made a pig coat, which was cute, but not nearly as fascinating as she found it. She really loves saying "pig coat":

Dominique: "Pig coat! I'm in love with my pig coat! Have you ever heard such beautiful words? Say it loud and there's music playing! Say it soft and it's almost like praying."

Yeah, great. Anyway, her other look was pure genius. I loved the idea of attaching the bustle at the shoulder. She really was inspired by her accessory to create an eccentric, avant-garde silhouette. The geisha makeup was a mistake.

None of the other designers did anything interesting with their accessories. They just made pretty but fairly ordinary dresses and stuck their accessories on them.

Eduardo had a big hat and a silver belt and he stuck them on a couple of decent black outfits. Calvin had gloves and a ruff, which he could have done something really interesting with, but didn't.

Eduardo is out. I'm surprised but I don't mind. I was as sick of his ruffled dresses as the judges were. Calvin is safe. Isn't it fortunate the producers humanized him just in time for that decision?

House of Emerald wins the challenge because they used the same fabric for all four dresses. Yawn.

Cesar made two nice ivory dresses. The only eccentric thing was an exaggerated shoulder. His bird headpiece and flower pin were used as they were originally intended and didn't seem to inspire anything. He wanted to use some color, but both Isaac and Jeffrey talked him out of it.

Jeffrey's accessories were cool merry-go-round earrings and a Dior feather capelet. I hated the dress with the capelet because it was so bland it almost disappeared. He wanted to create looks that blended into the background so that the accessories would be featured. But that really wasn't the point of the challenge. His dress for the earrings was better; in fact, it was beautiful. But it was no more eccentric than the other one. Jeffrey wins, which I don't mind too much because he should have won last week instead of Dominique.

Iman: "Eduardo, it must be so hard to be eliminated this close to the finale. I don't really know what it's like to be a loser, but I would imagine it sucks. Oh, and Dominique, if you say 'pig coat' one more time, I'm going to punch you in the nuts."

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Seven: Bridal Fail!

Really? You're still reading this? Does that mean you are still watching the show? So, you're the one! Well, good for you! Some people might call you stubborn, but not me. I say you're courageous and principled. You aren't going to stop watching a show just because it's boring. You are a true hero and the world could use more people like you!

This week the fashion-house structure falls apart, as I predicted it would. You really can't build an entire show around an element that will only last a few episodes. This week the designers are split into three teams of two to design wedding outfits.

Let's meet the people getting married:

Dominique and Jeffrey will be working with Bill and his three lovely brides, Trudy, Camilla, and Ruth.

Cesar and Eduardo will be working with 87-year-old Joshua and his lovely 12-year-old bride Samantha. Joshua bought Samantha from her parents for 18 cows, which is a pretty good price!

Lastly, Calvin and Cindy will be working with James, who is marrying his lovely pet goat, Louise.

Cindy: "Oh, thank goodness! At first I thought it was a male goat, and that would have been weird."

Actually, Cindy does have a problem with her clients:

Cindy: "Polygamy and arranged marriages with children are such traditional forms of marriage. But I have to admit I'm a little old fashioned and it will take me a while to get used to the idea of creating a wedding dress for a goat."

Don't worry, Cindy! I'm just joking! Those aren't the real clients! Dominique and Jeffrey are really working with a female couple, Cesar and Eduardo and also working with a female couple, and Calvin and Cindy are working with a male couple:

Cindy: "Two boys? Who want to get married? That's just silly! Am I being Punk'd? Where's Alan Funt?"

Yes, Cindy, sometimes two men can fall in love. They are called homosexuals:

Cindy: "Really? This is the first I've heard of it. Well, if it makes them happy, I guess it's fine with me."

As strange as Cindy's reaction is, Calvin's treatment of his clients is even weirder:

Calvin: "You're fat. Fat people can only wear black. I don't know anything about traditional Korean clothes!"

Client: "That's why I'm trying to explain to you what traditional Korean clothes look like."

Calvin: "I can't hear what you are saying because you are too fat. If you want me to make you clothes, I will make you clothes. But don't try to tell me what to do."

Client: "I DON'T want you to make me clothes!"

Calvin: "Why would you come into my shop demanding a Calvin Tran original if you don't want me to make your clothes?!"

Client: "When I agreed to this, I had no idea I would be working with a total psychopath!"

Calvin: "Well, too bad, fatty!"

Cindy: "Calvin, I think you are being a little rude. Just because our clients are totally disgusting and obese doesn't mean you can yell at them."

Oh, my god. If this challenge is to work successfully with a client, there is no way Calvin can't be eliminated, right?

Cindy: "Maybe if I create the worst garment anyone has ever seen, the judges will have an excuse to keep Calvin."

I really doubt you could make anything that bad.

There are basically two story lines going on in the design room this week, neither one entertaining in any way. The first is Dominique's ridiculous pining for David:

Dominique: "This wedding challenge was created specifically to torment me!"

The second is Calvin's verbal abuse of his client, which is really painful to watch. I know the producers want drama and controversy, but turning someone's wedding into an unpleasant experience is inexcusable.

The runway show was actually quite good. The guest judges were Rachel Zoe and Johnny Weir, both of whom are fun to see, though the guest judges never have much to do on this show.

The two lesbian couples looked great! Dominique and Jeffrey create really simple and flattering linen looks for a casual beach ceremony:

Isaac: "My only complaint is that you could find these looks in any lesbian bridal shop."

Well, whatever. The looks are perfect for this challenge and Dominique wins. Congratulations, Dominique!

Cesar and Eduardo created two fun looks that made their clients very happy. They could have been a little more wedding-y, but at least they were flattering.

Calvin and Cindy were a disaster. Calvin created his version of a Japanese kimono that had nothing to do with the Korean robe his client wanted. Surely nothing can be worse than Calvin's relationship to his client.

Unfortunately, Cindy really pulled out all the stops. She actually managed to create the worst garment I've ever seen. In fairness, she couldn't have done it without Calvin's "help." I think it looked better before he came to the "rescue" and reconstructed the entire jacket at the last minute. They should have just left it unbuttoned. Anyway, I think the judges had a legitimate excuse to get rid of Cindy. Calvin will have another week to advertise his business to women who hate themselves.

Iman is almost in tears as she hugs Cindy goodbye and tells her how talented she is. No one is more surprised than Isaac:

Isaac: "My Queen, you appear to be displaying human emotions and it's, frankly, a little frightening. I think you should return to the Mother Ship and spend some time in your regeneration pod."