Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Five: What a drag!

On this very special episode of All Stars, the designers will be making an androgynous Thanksgiving dinner for their mothers, who are visiting from out of state.

Carolyn: "The hottest taste for moms this Thanksgiving is androgyny! So you'll be making unisex food for your moms!"

Oh, OK. So the designers get started on dinner and then Georgina comes in:

Georgina: "Wait, there's a twist! Your dads are also here!"

NO! The designers' moms and dads haven't spoken since the divorce! They can't be in the same room together!

Georgina: "Oops. The dads weren't supposed to show up until next week. I wonder how this happened."

You did it on purpose! You're trying to get their moms and dads back together!

Georgina: "Why would we do that? We don't want a bunch of unnecessary drama on this show. No, it's just a scheduling mistake. Well, I guess we'll have to make the best of it."

You are pure evil.

Joanna: "Yeah, she's like a crow on a carcass, that one. OK, designers, here's how it's going to work: you will make coordinating androgynous garments for your parents. If you do it right, we won't be able to tell which one is your mom and which one is your dad. This should confuse them so much they forget why they hate each other and they will fall in love again. If your parents get remarried you will win the challenge. If your parents still hate each other but have mad, passionate sex in the sewing room anyway, you will be safe this week. If you fail so miserably that your parents actually kill each other you will be out. Good luck!"

Well, this usually works exactly as planned in sitcoms. Anyway, I don't blame the designers for the disasters they created this week. As usual, the producers took what could have been a good challenge and explained it so poorly the designers didn't know what to do. Why did the looks have to be androgynous AND avant garde? Were they supposed to be making two versions of the same look? Do the designers know the difference between androgyny and drag? These and many other questions will not be answered on this episode of All Stars.

I thought most of the looks were too costumey. And Kayne just put women's clothes on a man. Ivy finally fulfilled her lifelong dream of making a pair of grandpa panties.

There were some good ones, though. Uli did well. But Anthony Ryan's looks were the best. He made a dress for a man, but it didn't look like drag -- it didn't look like a man in a woman's dress -- it looked like a dress that was made for a man. His looks were coordinated without looking like two versions of the same look and they were interesting without looking like costumes. He should have won the challenge.

Instead, Emilio won. Don't get me wrong; I thought Emilio's looks were really dramatic and cool. I just didn't think they were as successful as Anthony Ryan's. My problem with Emilio's was that instead of being coordinated looks they were really just two versions of the same look. And they looked like costumes for a Broadway musical, which would make sense coming from Emilio, but didn't really work for me in this challenge. His parents loved their looks, though, and that was the real test:

Emilio's mom and dad (turning so Carolyn can get a better view)

Emilio's Dad: "Damn, we look good together! I can hardly tell where I stop and you begin."

Emilio's Mom: "Yeah, I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

Carolyn: "He is super hot!"

Emilio's Mom: "You stay away from my man, bitch!"

The bad looks were pretty bad. Casanova created gold leather costumes for backup dancers. Not a success. Laura Kathleen was the worst and should have been out. But somehow she was saved. Maybe it had something to do with Kayne's quips:

Kayne: "Jean-Luc Picard called. He wants his lightsaber back."

Yes, Kayne is sent home for his egregious confusion of cultural references.

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Four: Project Powww!

Last week someone won and Pleather was sent home for being too creative (that'll teach him). This week we are promised the very first "interactive" challenge! Exciting! I'm assuming it will be similar to the very first interactive televised video game from the early 1980s:

Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!

This is how it will work. The fans will call in to the show and scream "Pow!" over and over while the designers shoot flying saucers out of the sky.

Joanna: "What does that have to do with fashion?"

Well, when you put it that way I can see that it doesn't make much sense. OK, why don't you explain the challenge?

Joanna: "This interactive challenge is sponsored by USA Today, the newspaper for people who don't read so good. I'd like to introduce you to USA Today's Senior VP of Marketing, Sandra Micek. Sandra, tell us about the USA Today philosophy."

Sandra Micek: "Pictures good. Words bad."

Joanna: "Could you elaborate on that, please?"

Sandra Micek: "Some newspapers provide information, but we were like, This is hard. So we invented infographics, which are similar to information, but prettier."

Joanna: "They sure are! I think what Sandra is trying to say is that every picture tells a story. So you are going to be skyping with fans who will tell you their stories and you have to turn their stories into headlines. Also, we have a saying in the publishing industry: Every pair of granny panties is worth a thousand words."

Great. So the designers start interacting with the fans:

Julie from Peoria: "Hi, Laura Kathleen, I'm a farmer and I need a new gown that is fashion forward."

Laura Kathleen: "I'm sorry, Julie, but if you expect me to talk to you like we have the same background, that's just not going to happen."

Julie from Peoria: "Why do we have to have the same background in order to talk to each other."

Laura Kathleen: "I'm tired of being judged by people like you, Julie!"

OK, so that's not going well. Let's check in with the other designers:

Cassanova: "Look! My fan looks just like Emilio! Because he's wearing a hat!"

Anthony Ryan: "My fan is Diane, from New York, which immediately reminded me of surviving cancer."

Emilio: "My fan is an adorable little girl named Sophie Schindler, from Seattle. She loves writing things down and keeping everything organized."

Joanna: "Oh, she's so cute! What's your headline, Emilio?"

Emilio: "Schindler's List."

uh . . . OK, so what happened to Andrae? Well, he finally crashed and burned, unfortunately:

Andrae: "So tell me, Debra from Alabama, why do you look so sad? Are you a tortured soul just trying to get your art out there in the world?"

Debra from Alabama: "No, I'm just bummed that I won't be able to buy Twinkies anymore."

Andrae: "I completely understand where you're coming from. Would a zippered knit top with interchangeable panels help at all?"

Debra from Alabama: "Not really."

Andrae: "Oh, dear. I'm just hoping one of these days I'm going to get through to you, Debra from Alabama."

On to the runway, with guest judge super cool fashion blogger Tavi Gevinson, who is young enough to be my slightly younger sister. She is a dropped-crotch apologist and I love her all the more for it.

Not a good night on the runway, folks. The designers either made the same garment they make every week -- Uli, Laura Kathleen, Ivy, Anthony Ryan -- or they were inspired by a garment to make a similar garment -- Cassanova, Emilio.

Kayne was one of the few exceptions. He made a red dress that was so boring it was almost intriguing. It made me wonder if it would be possible to create a dress that is more boring than the one he made. I don't think it could be done. That's something of an accomplishment. He was inspired by a picture of costume jewelry:

Kayne: "I was drawn to this image because the subject matter is presented in a classical pyramid arrangement reminiscent of Gericault. The colors are very well balanced and pleasing and the emotions are honest. Also, it was shiny."

Uli made another beige cloud dress.

Laura Kathleen created her usual silhouette but her hand-dyed fabric was pretty.

Ivy made an outfit inspired by a butterfly. I kind of liked it, though I'm getting tired of her granny panties.

Cassanova made an ivory suit inspired by an ivory suit.

Althea made what could have been a nice suit, but the color was dull and the crotch was just unflattering.

Joshua's look was fairly horrifying. The top and skirt looked really bad together, but, as Tavi pointed out, they would also not look good with anything else.

Emilio made an almost interesting dress that was an exaggerated version of the dress worn by his fan. I wasn't completely convinced by this dress, but it still probably should have won:

Carolyn Murphy: "I would look like a Chinese lantern in that dress."

Says the woman actually wearing a Chinese lantern.

The winner was Anthony Ryan, with his typical little tight dress, known as "bodycon" dresses to cool fashion bloggers like Tavi and me. He wins an infographic in USA Today.

And our dear sweet Andrae is out. I actually thought Joshua's look was worse, but I understand that the judges were tired of Andrae.

Before we go, Isaac needs to pay the bills:

Isaac: "I don't design MRI machines but I know great design when I see it, and when I was introduced to the all new re-designed 2012 MRI machine from Siemens, everything about it said purposeful design -- sophisticated styling, refined interior, sleek lines -- it's smart in so many ways. And for me when design makes someone's day simpler and easier, it just leads to a more beautiful life."

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Three: Up your chlorofluorocarbons!

Julie Chen: "Welcome to Project Runway All Stars. I'm Julie Chen and I'm a serious journalist. This week Kayne won the coveted Head of Household position and he is trying to form an important alliance with Ivy so he can convince her to vote Laura Kathleen off the show. Or maybe he's trying to form an alliance with Laura Kathleen so he can convince her to vote Ivy off the show. I really can't tell."

Kayne invites Ivy into his private Head of Household bedroom:

Kayne: "Hey, Ivy, why don't you come into my private Head of Household bedroom so we can gossip. So, can you believe what a bitch that Laura Kathleen is? Everyone hates her."

Ivy: "I don't have a problem with her."

Kayne: "Don't worry, I'll fix that."

And he does! That was some clever strategery, Kayne! They hate each other now! Mission accomplished!

OK, so that's it for the Big Brother theme, I'm afraid. I've never seen more than a few blissfully brief moments of the show, so I really don't know anything about it.

I do, however, know a lot about aerosol art. I don't want to brag, but I went to the "Art in the Streets" exhibition at the Museum of Contemporary Art last year. So I'm an expert.

Unfortunately, I didn't love that exhibition. But that's probably because I went on the wrong day. I went on a day when the museum was free to the general public, so it was completely filled with all these regular people. Obviously, I'm only accustomed to being in the company of other members of the liberal media elite, so this was a new experience for me. I was standing in that gallery for over an hour and not once was I offered a glass of champagne. Is that what life is like for most people?

Laura Kathleen: "I know, right?"

Anyway, as everyone knows, graffiti art was invented by the Romans in 126 B.C. but then Rudy Giuliani cleaned all that up and put in a Toys R Us so we didn't see it again until the 1970s. Now there is a building in New York dedicated to it and it's completely legal to paint that building and if it's legal it isn't graffiti and that's why they had to come up with a new name for it and that's why they call it aerosol art. True story. Well, it could be true. I bet it's close.

So the designers use spray paint on fabric and then create "wearable art." I'm just going to say it: I did not hate everything. Can you believe it? Mr. Grumpy Pants actually didn't hate everything.

The bottom three were Laura Kathleen (spoiler alert: she's safe), Kayne (the judges can't decide whether everything he makes is major tacky or Four Star General Tacky), and Pleather, who made yet another craft project. And the never ending question of What happened to Andrae? I actually liked his dress. I think. Anyway, he's safe.

The top three, and I agree with the judges on this, were Ivy, Anthony Ryan, and Emilio. Anthony Ryan's dress was very cute, but the print actually reminded me more of Jasper Johns than graffiti art:

not really graffiti art

Ivy was inspired by comic book art (by way of pop art) and her look was at least a bit edgy. Emilio, on the other hand, really nailed it. His look really gave you the feel of graffiti art, without looking too obvious. And considering how bad his last self-designed fabric was, I was very impressed.

Our guest judge this week is People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2013, Nate Silver:

Oh, yes, crunch those numbers the way I like it!

Nate Silver: "Conventional wisdom has Ivy winning this thing. And she made a late play for Isaac's vote. But is that confidence or desperation? It appears she has momentum coming out of the previous challenges, but if we dig a bit deeper the data is telling another story. There seems to be a disconnect between the comments from the judging panel as a whole and the tastes of the individual judges, with internal polling suggesting that Emilio is actually in the lead. We've projected that Georgina will be the tipping point judge, bringing him past the number of votes he needs. Now, it's always possible that there is a bias in the polling. But it would have to be a consistent bias in one direction, and if you look at the previous seasons of the show, while individual polls might have a margin of error, the aggregate of the polls is remarkably accurate. So Ivy really is going to have a hard time pulling this off. We currently have the odds of Emilio winning at 137%."

Some Old Guy: "That's ridiculous! Anyone who says he is that sure about the outcome of this challenge shouldn't be allowed near a typewriter!"

A typewriter?

Some Old Guy: "Have I mentioned I'm old?"

Right. So Emilio wins the challenge. Congratulations, Emilio! And it turned out he didn't even need Carolyn's vote, which is a good thing, because she's still trying to add up her scores. She could be at it for weeks, with recounts and court challenges. Pleather is out. I'm sure he will be missed, but not by me.

Carolyn: "I just have to say that I think internal polling sounds really painful!"

Project Runway All Stars Season Two Episode Two: BOGO!

For this challenge the designers need to create nightlife looks inspired by the new Seventies collection by Christian Siriano for Payless Shoes:

Buy One Get One half off!

Ah, yes, the 1870s, I remember them well. The war was over, spirits were high, and women everywhere were ready to do a line of blow and get out on the dance floor:

This woman is ready to party like it's 1899

Before we get to the clothes, I should mention the two moments of "fun" in this episode. First, the designers get a letter from Carolyn Murphy informing them that she has been hanging out with Karl Lagerfeld and he taped a message for them:

Karl Lagerfeld: "Hello, Project Runway designers. My very dear friend - what does this say? - Oh, right - Caroline Murphries, has asked me to give you some advice. To be a great designer you need to follow your heart and also pay someone to do push-ups for you every day. It's how I stay so young. Good luck."

This inspiring message had all the designers in tears. The other bit of "fun" we had this week involved Kayne taking responsibility for designer entertainment this season, forcing everyone to form a conga line and play shuffleboard:

Kayne Gillaspie, your cruise director: "Did someone mention a line of blow?"

On to the challenge. So, I was totally wrong about Anthony Ryan not winning anything last week. His huge prize is that he gets to pick the first shoe. Of course, he picks the ugliest shoe. Whatever.

Joanna makes her rounds:

Joanna: "As the only one here who actually remembers the 1870s, let me just say that you all suck."

Well, that's not very helpful. Here's the thing: I think designers should have an understanding of fashion history, but when you are trying to draw inspiration from a specific period you need more to go on than just a shoe. They needed some pictures to help them out. Otherwise you end up with what we ended up with: ugly clothes that had nothing to do with the seventies.

Joanna: "Kayne, those stripes look terrible. Uli, you must have been asleep during the seventies. Joshua, there's a difference between 'show-stopper' and 'total-shit.' Laura Kathleen, your blazer is making my lady parts dry up. Ivy, you're crazy. Andrae, nobody wants a stupid organza coat. Althea, you make me sick. Wendy, it's too Halloweeny. Emilio, I think of the seventies as the decade when fashion died, and your dress fits that perfectly. Anthony Ryan, you're making my eyes bleed. Casanova, your dress is perfect. And Pleather, that's putting me in the mind of a white man's overbite, if you know what I'm saying."

Pleather: "I do not."

Joanna: "It's a British saying that basically means bite me."

Wow, Joanna is in a bad mood this week. And I don't blame her. These garments are unusually hideous. Half of them have nothing to do with the seventies and the other half have nothing to do with nightlife.

Laura Kathleen's was, once again, pretty good. It was attractive and looked inspired by the seventies (like all her clothes), but it wasn't much of a nightlife look.

Casanova, shockingly, made something tasteful and pretty. It was sexy without being trashy and it was retro without looking like a costume. I agree with Georgina that it was a dress we've seen before, but that's kind of a dumb complaint when they are supposed to be inspired by another decade. He should have won. No one is more shocked than I am that I actually liked something he made:

Casanova: "When we were told we were supposed to make super slutty dresses this week I was so happy!"

Well, that isn't at all what you were told to do, but if that's what it takes for you to make tasteful clothes, then go for it.

The top two were Uli and Ivy. The more I look at Ivy's the more I like it. She made a green romper with a weird organza skirt. The proportions were off, but I think if the skirt had been a different length it could have been nice. It had a seventies vibe and it was sort of appropriate for a club. But Uli won with her little white sequined dress. It was a cute dress, but it was maybe more sixties than seventies. But, of course, the sixties didn't get to Eastern Europe until 2003, when Paul McCartney finally made it to Moscow. Anyway, congratulations, Uli!

Some of the worst looks - Joshua's, Althea's, and Pleather's - got a free pass this week. Althea says she knows the seventies, but I just talked to the seventies and they deny any relationship with her. 

Kayne, Wendy, and Andrae are the bottom three. Kayne's giant pants look seventies, but nobody would wear them to a club. He's safe.

Apparently the question every week is going to be What happened to Andrae? Seriously, I wonder how many weeks this can go on. I really hope he gets his act together. Anyway, he's safe again.

Wendy originally had a giant button on her garment that Joanna hated:

Joanna: "You know when you are cooking and you are stirring the food? You are stirring it with a spoon, possibly a wooden spoon, though it doesn't have to be wooden? Actually, yes it does have to be wooden. What else would it be made out of? Metal? Plastic? Yuck. Anyway, you know when you are stirring the food in the pot - maybe you're making soup or sauce or something else that you would be cooking in a pot - and you need to take the spoon out of the pot for some reason? I don't know why. Maybe you want to put the lid on the pot. It doesn't really matter. The point is you want to take the spoon out of the pot and you need to set the spoon down somewhere. And you don't want to put the spoon right on the countertop because it's covered in sauce, assuming you are making sauce, though you might be making something else. And obviously I mean the spoon is covered in sauce, and not the countertop. If your countertop is already covered in sauce then you don't really need to worry about setting down a sauce-covered spoon. But let's say your countertop is clean and you need someplace to set down your spoon. They have these things that you can buy at a store and I'm assuming you can get them online - I'm not sure because I inherited the one I have from my mother - and you can put them next to your stove and they are the perfect size and shape to set down your spoon. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Wendy: "You mean a spoon rest?"

Joanna: "I don't know. I'm not a cooking expert. I don't know all the fancy terminology. The point is I hate that button and you have to get rid of it."

Wendy's outfit was pretty tacky. Look, I was never a Wendy hater. We understand how reality competition shows work now, but when she was on the first season of Project Runway her only frame of reference was Survivor and Big Brother, so I don't blame her for thinking the show was all about strategy and alliances and psyching out your competition. I always liked Wendy. However, I never liked her designs. So, while it was exciting to have her back on the show, she was going to need to make decent garments to stay on. Wendy is out this week

Carolyn Murphy: "Wendy, you are such an inspiration. I remember watching you on television when I was a little girl."

Wendy: "bitch."

Before I go, I'll give a shout out to an actual pair of Christian Siriano for Payless shoes:

we think these shoes are hot

These shoes are $39.95 and, according to a Payless customer, the reason they are so expensive is that they are designer. So it's totally worth spending twice as much as you usually spend on shoes, you cheapskate!

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode One: I won't call it the premiere because apparently I always spell it wrong!

OK, so picking up from last week's post, with people competing in the Saddest Music in the World contest, I have my own entry. I've been having vision problems in my left eye and no doctors could figure out what was wrong, so it was recommended that I try hard contacts, but those were too painful, so I switched to soft contacts and I was giving them a try, but I'm so used to wearing glasses that I had to go out and buy a pair of fake glasses to wear when I have the contacts in and then, oh yeah, with the contacts I also suddenly need reading glasses so I had to go get reading glasses, except now it turns out my eyes are so dry the contacts have fused to my eyeballs and my vision isn't any better anyway, so, after months of medical appointments I finally found a solution: I'm just going to wear my regular old goddam glasses! If I really need to see something I'll just close my left eye. It could be worse.

Ivy: "I had to volunteer at a soup kitchen because I couldn't afford food."

See? That puts things in perspective. Thank you, Ivy. But I do wonder if she understands the point of a soup kitchen. If she thinks she has to volunteer there to get food, what does she think the clients are doing there?

OK, so here we are again. All of our favorite designers are back. Uh, some of our favorite designers are back? Well, Uli and Andrae are back. And Wendy is absolutely a Project Runway star. And Kayne did have his own show, so that kind of makes him a star. And Anthony Ryan only has one testicle. So there's that.

First, we meet the new host, Carolyn Murphy, who is about as exciting as last season's host. Why can't they get Alexa Chung from 24 Hour Catwalk? She's freaking adorable. Next we meet our wonderful mentor and the only reason to watch this show, Joanna Coles.

Now, to say that Joanna explained the challenge to the designers would be a gross understatement. She explained the crap out of that challenge. That challenge couldn't be any more explained. When Joanna explains a challenge it stays explained. I have never felt as completely satisfied with a challenge explanation. Normally we get the dollar amount and the time-frame but we're left with questions like, "Is that the dollar amount for the whole team?" or "Are they creating the looks together or are they being judged individually?" or "Can they glue the candy onto muslin?" or "Does this mole look funny to you?" But not this time. Joanna Coles will explain it all.

Joanna: "Listen up, designers. I'm only going to repeat this three times, so pay attention. You will be split into two teams and I will start by picking two of you, who are NOT the team leaders, but will simply be the ones starting the selection process. You will each be creating one look, but the looks have to form cohesive collections. There will be a winning team and a losing team. The winning look will come from the winning team and the losing look will come from the losing team. Now, let me explain how the votes will be counted. The founding fathers of Project Runway developed an electoral system based on the concept of separation of powers. What this means is that the mentor is not a part of the judging panel, unlike the system in England. Theoretically, this should prevent the development of a two-party system. Well, as Tyra Banks famously said, Good luck with that."

See, this is where I think you might be over-explaining.

Joanna: "I haven't even gotten to the electoral college yet."

Oh, god, we don't have time for that, Joanna.

Joanna: "OK, if I can just bring your attention to section four, paragraph two, which clarifies the selection of team names. Just randomly pick a word off this board. It really doesn't matter what the word is."

Team Confident is: Kayne, Uli, Casanova, Ivy, Althea, Anthony Ryan, and Wendy

Team Bald is: Joshua, Peach, Laura Kathleen, Emilio, Andrae, and Pleather

Peach: "Boy am I glad I'm not on Team Confident. Because that would be totally ironic."

The designers get to work ...

Peach: "Because I am not confident at all."

Yes, we get it. Anyway, now it's time for the runway, with judges Carolyn Murphy, Isaac Mizrahi, Georgina Chapman, and guest judges Rachel Roy and Mondo:

First up is Team Bald, who decided that cohesive meant each look had to use the same two fabrics. I've never been less upset about the fact that I'm going blind.

Laura Kathleen's look is actually not bad, considering who designed it, but Team Bald is the losing team. Andrae's hilarious garment, Pleather's eye-gaugingly horrible dress, and Peach's tennis-to-suicide look are the bottom three:

Peach: "Well, I ..."

Isaac: "No, stop talking. The more you talk, the uglier it gets."

Peach: "I did the best I could in the situation I was in."

Isaac: "You mean the situation of having to make a decent garment?"

Peach: "Yes. And the best I could do in that situation was to not make a decent garment. Would it help to name-drop my fourth-grade sewing teacher?"

Obviously the question on everyone's mind is, What happened to Andrae? Well, Carolyn Murphy has a question:

Carolyn: "Am I missing something?"

Yes. A personality. But that's not important right now. The important thing is that Andrae is safe and Peach is going home. They had better keep Andrae as long as possible. Because his description of his garment to the judges was the only entertaining part of the show.

Team Confident is the winning team. They go with cream and black, which is no more creative than the other team's blue and black, but each look didn't use the exact same fabric combination so it didn't look as matchy-matchy. Other than Kayne's fabulous train-wreck, most of the collection was nice, if uninspiring. Ivy and Anthony Ryan created the best looks and Anthony Ryan wins:

Anthony Ryan: "Don't misunderestimate me."

We won't. It kind of sucks that he doesn't win anything at all. Usually when there is no immunity there is some other prize, no?

Before I go, I would like to formally apologize to Lindsay Lohan for ever doubting her. She IS Elizabeth Taylor.

Linday Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor

Project Runway Season Ten Finale: My life is an episode of My Life is a Lifetime Movie on Lifetime!

I know you've seen Lifetime movies with stories about women in bad situations, sex scandals, and shocking revelations. And you can't get enough of them, but you wouldn't want to live one.

My name is Eric3000 and my life is as boring and poorly-acted as a Lifetime movie.

The date was October 18th, 2012. I remember the day like it was yesterday, even though it was actually the day before yesterday. My husband told me he was going on a business trip to New York for a week. That's the last time I ever saw him.

Obviously, my first thought was that he was a Cuban spy. But the truth turned out to be even more shocking. It turns out he has another family in New York! All these years, when I thought he was using business trips as an excuse to see Broadway shows and go shopping at UNIQLO, he was actually visiting his brother and sister-in-law and their children. I feel like such a fool. How could I have ignored all the warning signs?

Anyway, after two days, I'm finally starting to put my life back together again. I'm just hoping my inspiring true story can help others.

The role of Eric3000 will be played by James Franco, due to a complete lack of physical resemblance.

So, speaking of things that were apparently written and produced by illiterate teenagers, lets get on with the Project Runway finale.

We start the episode with Christofur complaining about the fact that the judges don't love him any more:

Christofur: "I don't understand why I even have to compete in the finale. Why don't they just make me the winner? It's complete madness!"

His x-ray fabric was nice, if not as amazing as he thought, and he knows how to make some great leather shorts, but the gown was awful and he missed the opportunity to go further with his use of manipulated and shredded fabric, which was his signature. The competition really was his to lose. And he did.

Styling by Modigliani

Nick Verrios: "His different take on that raw edge stuff, I thought that was very chic."

Wrong!

Melissa's collection was fine. The jacket was much better with the cuffs cut off, but I don't understand the point of a leather bathing suit and the hobble skirt was not cool. The red dress was great, but I think I mostly loved the amazing pattern piece she used to make it.

Melissa: "What red dress? Do you mean the blood-orange dress?"

Oh, there must be something wrong with the color on my television. It looked red to me."

Christofur: "It was just red. She has to call it blood-orange to sound more Goth."

Fabio's collection was by far the most interesting. I almost wish I could have seen it. Unfortunately, the lighting was so bad it completely washed everything out and all I saw was a blur of blinding white clothing walking down the runway. From what I can tell, he successfully managed to make his collection not look cheap. I have to credit the show with managing to fool me into thinking Fabio had a chance at an upset win. Of course, that made it that much more disappointing when he didn't. Yes, I really am that gullible.

It's not that I disliked Dmitry's collection. It's that I hated it. The only part of his show that worked for me was the models' eyebrows. I found them kind of mesmerizing, but not enough to prevent me from seeing the clothes.

Althea Harper: "I'm glad I'm not a judge."

So are we.

On to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, voted four years in a row by the London Times as the world capital of sorrow.

The guest judge is the beautiful Baroness Helen Port-Huntley, the owner of the largest beer company in Winnipeg and host of the annual Saddest Music in the World contest.

Sing to me! Make me cry!

Christofur: "My work is a study in deconstruction and reconstruction."

Lady Port-Huntley: "Not sad enough!"

Melissa: "I'm exploring death to life. It's appropriate for spring."

Lady Port-Huntley: "I like the death part. The life part not so much. Next!"

Fabio: "Now it's my time to invest in what I want to do. There are clothing tags that need my name on them."

Lady Port-Huntley: "I've heard sadder stories from Mitt Romney's dressage horse."

Dmitry: "Winning this contest will give me wings to fly."

Lady Port-Huntley: "OK, that's probably the saddest thing I have ever heard anyone say. You win."

Congratulations to Dmitry. He wins Lady Port-Huntley's glass prosthetic legs filled with beer.

"If you're sad, and like beer, I'm your lady."

Project Runway Season Ten Finale, Part One: Host Hunters!

Heidi Klum, a reality television host and recent divorcee, is looking for a new home. But will her budget match her lofty expectations?

Heidi: "Moving back in with my mom has been really hard. It's time to get a place of my own."

Helping her in her search is real estate mentor Tim Gunn. He knows he has his work cut out for him.

Tim: "So, Heidi, tell me what you're looking for in a home."

Heidi: "Well, I have twelve children, so I'd really like a place that's out in the country so they have plenty of space to run around. But I also need to be right in the middle of the city so that I can walk to shops and restaurants."

Tim: "right."

Heidi: "Also, with sixteen children, I need at least two bathrooms. That's a deal breaker for me."

Tim: "of course."

Heidi: "The kitchen is really important. I never cook but I do occasionally look at it, so it needs to be amazing. And I have twenty three children, so I need a walk-in closet."

Tim: "You have a lot on your wish list. What's your budget?"

Heidi: "Thirty million dollars."

Tim: "Well, I'm going to be blunt: you may need to compromise on either space or location. But I have a few places in mind and I'm confident we can find you something you're going to love."

Heidi: "Great, I'm excited to get started!"

House One:

The first house they visit is in Massapequa, New York. It's a four-bedroom split-level with a one-car garage. It's on the market for $430,000.

Tim: "This one is not in the middle of the city, but it is a little under your thirty million dollar budget, which will leave you enough money to buy a private jet."

Heidi: "Why would you choose to show me this?"

Tim: "I would have loved to have shown you something else, but I ran out of time. Shall we head inside and take a look? You'll notice it has wall to wall floors."

Heidi: "I love that it has windows in the living room! And you can look through them into the yard!"

Tim: "Isn't that nice? Now, if you'll come through here, this room is the kitchen. You can tell because it's the room with the stove and refrigerator in it."

Heidi: "I've never seen so many desserts in all my life!"

Tim: "Yes, the current owners are Italian."

Heidi: "I see."

Tim: "So, what did you think of this first place?"

Heidi: "Well, there were definitely some nice details, but the overall look was really boring and it was pretty skimpy."

House Two:

Working mom Heidi is ready for a change and is looking for a new home. The first house she saw was under budget but the location wasn't ideal and it lacked some of the drama she was craving. So her real estate mentor, Tim, is trying something different with a unique house in New York City:

Joining Heidi on the search today are the members of the Duck Dynasty:

Willie is the CEO and resident prankster

Phil is the patriarch of the family and a living legend in Louisiana

Jase is Willie's brother and his polar opposite

Si is Phil's brother, best friend, and partner in crime

Fabio is still trying to fit in, but he sure loves making handcrafted duck calls

House two is a one-room duck blind that comes in right on budget at thirty million dollars.

Tim: "It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but it's really priced to sell."

Heidi: "It's definitely unique. I haven't seen anything else like it. I just wish it were more luxurious."

Tim: "I think you might have to adjust your expectations."

Heidi: "Well, it's something to think about. I'll keep it on the list."

House Three:

Mentor Tim has shown Heidi two houses so far. House one was under budget but was too far away. House two was right in the city but needed some work. Today Tim is taking Heidi to Jersey City to try to find the best of both worlds.

House three is inspired by organic architecture. It's a bit over budget at one hundred million dollars.

Tim: "I know it's over budget, but that's what you have to spend to live in Jersey City. Besides, it comes with its own shopping mall. And it has those granite countertops you won't shut up about!"

Heidi: "It does tick a lot of boxes. I love the cut-outs and it's obviously very well constructed. I just worry about the styling. Is there maybe too much going on with this design?"

Tim: "Something to think about."

Heidi: "Yep, something to think about."

So, which of these three houses will she choose? Will it be house number one, with ...

Tim: "WAIT! There's one more!"

I'm sorry, that's not possible. There are always three.

Tim: "No, they are all so good we couldn't narrow it down to three. There's a fourth."

Very well, we have a fourth. So, Heidi is a single mom anxious to find a new home for her growing family ...

Tim: "Stop telling us that and just get on with it!"

But I can't introduce the next house without telling you all the ridiculous problems with the previous houses!

Tim: "Well, make it quick."

OK, so house one was under budget, but a microscopic crack on one wall indicated severe structural problems and obviously we were all hoping for a stainless steel refrigerator. House two had a perfect location but the lack of windows and a roof could be an issue. House three had all the space Heidi needs, but it's just plain tacky. For house four Tim is thinking outside the box and taking Heidi to San Francisco to see an under budget charmer that could meet all her needs.

Melissa's sister and dentist

Heidi: "There's no doubt who designed this! I just wish it had a little more impact."

So, will she pick the skimpy bargain, the quirky fixer-upper, the tacky townhouse, or the Gothic charmer?

Heidi: "Ooh, this is going to be such a tough decision!"

Why don't you start by eliminating one?

Heidi: "OK, let's see ... I can't do it! I'll take them all!"

Well, as we know, she's already picked the house and gone through escrow, but whatever. We'll play along.

"What a load of crap"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode 12: Clueless!

The year is 1954 and our last five designers have been invited to a beautiful mansion outside the city:

Hill House, somewhere outside the city

They are met by Tim Gunn, who explains why they are there:

Tim: "You have all been summoned here by a man from L'Oreal. He is the man who has been blackmailing you and I have been given instructions that you must follow. You must create avant-garde looks for L'Oreal's new makeup line based on Hollywood clichés:

Dmitry: "If we refuse, will he reveal our darkest secrets?"

Tim: "No. But he will make sure your hair never looks quite right ever again."

Christofur: "Oh, my god, he's a monster!"

So, it's a two-day challenge, they have $400, Sonjia loses her fabric and then, after dinner, the lights go out and the next thing you know the L'Oreal guy is dead!

Tim: "This is one of the most grisly murders in Project Runway history! OK, designers, time to send your models down to hair and makeup."

Now on to the runway, with guest judge Some Actress With Nothing Interesting To Say:

Dmitry

Dmitry is designing for the Black Widow. He makes her a 1980s power suit. It's nicely tailored but is in no way avant-garde. I feel the look could use some rope. Maybe as a belt?

Christofur

Christofur gets the Sex Kitten. He creates a pastiche of old costumes. It's part Mae West and part Dior's New Look. But not in a good way. I liked the padded hip, and the candlestick accessory is perfect, but he needed to do something to make it modern.

Fabio

Fabio gets the Society Dame. It's a little bit all over the place. But that fox stole is fabulous! And it can be worn upside down! For no reason! It's the closest thing to being avant-garde on the runway this week. The only complaint I have is that the dagger is a little obvious.

What do you think, Heidi?

Heidi: "I hated it ... so ... much ... it ... it ... the ... the flames ... flames on the side of my face ... breathing ... breath ... heaving breath ..."

OK, we get it. You don't like it.

Melissa

Melissa also gets the Sex Kitten, because apparently Hollywood ran out of archetypes and two designers have to do the same one. Don't ask. Anyway, the judges love the dramatic collar, but I thought it was just OK.

Sonjia

Sonjia gets the Dead Singing Telegram Girl. I guess someone had to. It's a disaster.

Time to hear from the judges. This is going to be brutal!

Heidi: "We were very impressed! That was one of the best runways we've ever seen! You all did a great job!"

Really? I'm sorry, but I'm wondering if we saw the same runway.

Heidi: "Oh, I think I know what happened; we shot three alternate endings for this episode. So you probably saw one of the bad ones. Also, you might not know who really won or who was out. Most importantly, you know that shockingly hideous dress I was wearing at the beginning of the episode?"

Yes!

Heidi: "Well, you didn't actually see me wearing that."

Now that you mention it, I do remember not seeing you wearing that dress. How strange.

Ending A:

So, in the first ending, Christofur is the murderer, Fabio is sent home, and Tim reveals that he is an undercover FBI agent.

Ending B:

In the second ending, Fabio is the murderer, Tim is sent home, and Nina Garcia is exposed as a Soviet spy.

Ending C:

In the third ending, we find out that all the designers committed the murder, Tim reveals that he is really Michael Kors in disguise, and the person we thought was Michael Kors admits to being an impostor who has been trying to make granny panties popular.

So, to make a long story short ...

Everyone: "Too late!"

Well, I don't know which version of the show you saw, but the one thing we know for certain is that the L'Oreal guy was murdered with the HP notebook in the Brother sewing room. 

Tim: "The man had to be stopped! He was trying to bring back Lee Press-On Nails, for crying out loud! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to sleep with my wife!"

Leslie Ann Warren is shocked.

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Eleven: Toddlers and Tedium!

For this challenge, the designers have to make baby clothes for robots.

Tim: "You're going to get your very own Haley Joel Osment to take care of!"



Fabio: "OH, MY GOD! I've always wanted my own Haley Joel Osment! Can I keep him? I'm going to flip the switch on the back of his head so that he loves me forever!"

oh, this is not going to end well.

OK, so remember when you were watching the film "A.I." and you were wondering if you would die of boredom before you died of old age? Well, try to think about that while you are watching this show. It will give you perspective.

Anyway, as I was saying, Heidi has a new line of robot clothes that will be sold at Robots R Us stores across the country. It's a niche market, but it's growing, and I think she's smart to get in on it now.

Heidi needs some free designs and some free advertising for her new line. Why? Because she is going through some personal issues at the moment and all her money is tied up in cash.

On to the runway, with guest judge Hillary Duff. The twist for this challenge is that the designs will be worn by actual human babies, instead of the robot babies, as we had been led to believe. The human babies are barely able to walk the runway without major assistance. They are clearly drunk. It's disgraceful.

Sonjia made a little grey suit that is totally adorable. She wins for the boys look:

Nina: "This look is so versatile. I can definitely see a baby wearing this to the office and then out for a night on the town. I love it!"

Christofur made a little dress with applied flowers and a white jacket. It's very cute, if a little dressy. He wins for the girls look.

Melissa is on the bottom. She made a terrible white dress that was riding up:

Nina: "No baby wants to show that much diaper. It just looks trashy."

Heidi: "Yeah, I'm all about showing some diaper, but even I think that's too much."

Michael: "Besides, the crotch on that diaper is insane!"

Melissa couldn't even finish her look in time and she had to ask her baby for sewing help:



That's just wrong! That baby needed time for hair and makeup!

Elena actually made really great pieces. Unfortunately, while it was way better than Melissa's mess, Elena's pieces didn't work perfectly together and the outfit was a little busy:

Michael: "That baby looks like she was shopping at a sample sale."

Nina: "Yeah, the other babies are going to ridicule her. She'll never be able to show her face in public again. Elena, you've ruined that baby's life!"

In possibly the worst decision of the season, Elena is sent home because Nina doesn't like her.

Project Runway, Season Ten, Episode Ten: How do you get to Radio City Music Hall?

The same way you get to Carnegie Hall. You take a cab. So, last week America's sweethearts, Gunnar and Christofur, were split up:

Christofur: "Whatever shall I do without him?"

Gunnar: "Be strong for me!"

This week the designers have to make a rocket costume:

Seriously? These challenges get more ridiculous every week!

Tim: "I think you'll find you made a typo when you were taking your notes."

That does sound like something I would do.

Tim: "The designers will actually be making Rockettes costumes."

Oh, that's much better!

Tim: "Are you being sarcastic?"

No, not at all!

Tim: "Good. Because I am not above bitch-slapping that bitch"

The designers have hundreds of dollars and several days for this challenge. The results are even worse than usual, so obviously time and money are not the issue.

They go out to dinner and get drunk. It's nice that they get to have a little break, although it would be a little more relaxing between challenges, instead of in the middle of one. I don't blame Sonjia for having trouble relaxing. Especially with that piece of crap waiting for her on her dress form.

Ven has some wine and gets all emotional. Well, as emotional as a robot can get. He tells us about his life:

Ven: "I spent a lot of time playing with myself."

Elena: "I feel like I understand him now."

Melissa has never made a dance costume before. That's not exactly surprising, but several other designers actually have made dance costumes before.

Anyway, Melissa also apparently has never sewn a garment before, or gone shopping before, because all the other designers are helping her with everything.

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Christofur, I love that. The only thing it needs is some sheer fabric with little sequins to represent a starry sky."

Christofur: "Yeah, that would be great. The only problem is I DON'T HAVE THAT!"

Tim: "No problem. I'll take care of it."

Tim tells the designers they get to go back to Mood so that Christofur can get the fabric he needs to win the challenge.

Elena, meanwhile, is making a cheerleader outfit that she and everyone else hates. Her return trip to Mood does not help at all:

Elena: "I freak out and buy more sparkles!"

Is it just me, or is Elena turning into Kathy Griffin?

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Debra Messing:

Sonjia made a costume for Seussical the Musical:

Other Eric: "It looks a little cocktail."

Me: "Are you insane?"

Michael Kors: "No, he's right; it's like a shortened cocktail dress."

Other Eric: "Ha! Michael Kors agrees with me!"

Great. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

Dmitry made a sexy asymmetrical skating costume for Johnny Weir:

I like it. I'm just not sure asymmetry is the right design choice for the Rockettes. I think it would be distracting.

Christofur wins with his tribute to the New York City skyline. When I first saw his sketch I was worried, but he really did a good job:

Michael Kors: "It's very New York!"

Finally, in a shocking turn of events, the judges actually eliminate the the designer of the worst garment. Ven is out for his super boring dress. Bye, Ven. I hope the show can survive the loss of your bubbly personality.