Monday, March 15, 2010

Project Runway, Season Seven, Episode 9 1/2: The Designer Who Shagged Me!

Dear readers, many of you (two, to be exact) asked about my intense hatred of Garnier that I mentioned in last week's post. Although I've signed a confidentiality agreement, I've decided to share my terrible experience with you, in the hope that it doesn't happen again. Here's the story:

A while back, a gang of young attractive people with gorgeous hair were horsing around on my property (you know -- laughing, running around in slow motion, etc., as young attractive people with gorgeous hair are wont to do). I kept yelling "Get off my lawn, you filthy hippies!" but they wouldn't listen. One of the young women had incredibly long, luxurious hair because she obviously uses Garnier Fructise products, and, as a prank, some of her friends tied her hair to a railing while she was distracted by a dandelion. Well, because her hair was so strong (in addition to being very thick and shiny and completely free of split ends), when she turned and ran after the others, she tore the entire railing off the front porch of my house and the roof collapsed!

I'm grateful nobody was hurt! But because of Garnier, my house sustained over $170,000 in damage. The insurance wouldn't cover it because my contract has an exclusion for damage caused by natural botanicals (I urge you to check the fine print on your policies ASAP). After repeated requests, the people at Garnier still refuse to reimburse me for the damage. So I'm taking this opportunity to air my complaint in public and ask Garnier once again to do what's right and accept responsibility for creating hair so healthy it's dangerous. Thank you.

Anyway, last week Jonathan won and Ben went home. In model news, nothing happened and I think Alison was out.

We start the challenge with Heidi telling the designers that she is in a New York state of mind:

Anthony: "I don't know what that means, so I'm certainly not going to waste my energy thinking until I absolutely have to. Thinking is hard."

This week Collier Strong will be doing the infomercial and he will be selling us L'Oreal cosmetics. Have your credit cards handy!

Collier Strong: "Studio Secret Professional Line allows all women to get professional results at home. In conclusion: bullshit."

For some reason, that didn't bother me nearly as much as last week's infomercial. It was somehow less intrusive.

The designers are working in four teams of two and they will be venturing out into the neighborhoods of New York City. Coincidentally, there are exactly four neighborhoods in New York City:

East Dead Duck in a Window: Anthony and Maya have this neighborhood and they are inspired by the bright colors (i.e. black), crepe paper dragons, and buildings.

Snootyville: Amy and Jonathan have this neighborhood and they are inspired by the complete lack of color (i.e. bright orange), wrought iron, and buildings.

Clintontown: Emilio and Seth Aaron have this neighborhood and they are inspired by church, fried chicken, liquor, and old ladies in jeans. Just like every challenge.

Crack Village: Jay and Mila have this neighborhood and they are inspired by all the stuff that is old and new and borrowed and blue.

Emilio is from New York so if he doesn't win this challenge it will be a huge disappointment for him and his people. Who are Emilio's "people"?

Emilio: "People who wear hats."

Oh, right. You don't want to let them down.

Emilio didn't want to work with Mila so he picked Seth Aaron, which left Jay and Mila as teammates. For some reason, Emilio seems to think this makes him some sort of evil genius:

Emilio: "When Emilio gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people die!"

His evil "plan" does seem to be working, though. Jay and Mila are not an ideal team:

Jay: "I want to do something modern but from the past. A jacket with a super-elaborate pant. Lines to create texture. A short, like, jumper."

Mila: "Right. Black and white color blocking. Got it."

Although there is some concern about under-bus throwing, the designers are mostly doing individual looks and, therefore, don't have much opportunity to turn on each other.

Tim: "Designers, remember to use the Bluefly wall audaciously."

On to the runway, where Francisco Costa is filling in for Michael. I think we can live without Michael for one week, but I was sure we had been promised that he and Nina would be here for every challenge. The guest judge is some blond woman, whose qualification is that she is supposedly "fashionable."

Maya - She (in collaboration with Anthony) made a gold and black jacket (apparently based on a pagoda) and skirt with red inserts. It's nice, if a little boring.

Anthony - He (in collaboration with Maya) made a black dress with gold detailing pasted on the front. The accordion detail is very cool, and if they had done anything -- ANYTHING -- other than just pasting it onto a boring black dress, I would have been impressed. As it is, I hated it. I was surprised this team was in the top two.

Jay - He made a pretty cool jodhpur-style pant and a pretty awful black and red tank. He assisted the judges by saying his tank "tanked." Have we really come to this point in the judging where the designers are left to mock their own garments?

Mila - She made a cool black and white jacket over a short dress. The judges seem to like it a lot but she's at the bottom because of Jay's look.

Amy - She made a pretty orange top with lots of pleating detail over black leggings. The orange and black doesn't work and the look has no relation to Snootyville.

Jonathan - He made a long gown that was almost elegant but looked too busy.

Seth Aaron - He made a great denim outfit (with helpful input from Emilio). It was close to being a costume and I agree with Nina that a little editing would have greatly improved it, but it was still a really stunning look.

Emilio - He made a gown (in black or really dark blue) with green lining and front zipper detail. It was made really well, but I found it a little boring. Still, he was a good team leader.

Emilio and Seth Aaron both win the challenge! Congratulations!

Tim: "That's a Project Runway first! Also a Project Runway last."

Amy is out. That's too bad. She's done some really good work and I thought her look for this challenge was almost cute. But she completely missed the mark on her inspiration. The other thing that comforts me is the fact that she should have been sent home last week. There, I feel better.

Poor Emilio wasn't able to fully execute his evil plan to get rid of Jay or Mila:

Emilio: "You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!"


kittens not kids said...

Emilio started off as one of my favorites, but he's just consistently revealed himself to be an asshat. But I do love that Seth Aaron, even if I don't love his clothes always.
Jonathan I also have an increasingly large crush on, so I'm glad he squeaked through with his wrought-iron nudie dress (seriously? was I the only one who thought his model looked like a naked lady wrapped in a very large black doily?)

Amy's was ooky.
Mila's was boring, because she's done the same look every.single.week.

Concur about Anthony's black dress - the dragon-diamond folding was great, but just slapping it on a boring dress was boring. I guess that's why they didn't win.

I hate seeing Collier Strong show up in the workroom. It means something boring and extra-commericaly is going to happen.

can emilio and mila be double-eliminated next week?

Cliff O'Neill said...

Of course, I'm still laughing at the Garnier story (even if I wonder how much of it is exactly what happened).

Oh, and the makeup infomercial bugged me just as much as the hair one. The whole commercial excursive seemed to even take its toll on Tim, who basically said, "Oh, you know the drill."

And I'm still miffed at the Season Six-worthy judging. How else to explain that Chinese dragon crap being in the top?

David Dust said...

This Garnier thing is an OUTRAGE!!! If I were you, I would hire famed attorney Jackie Chiles. Mr. Chiles is known for the landmark cases Cosmo Kramer vs. The Cafe Latte Company and in Seinfeld et. al vs. The Good Samaritan Law.

Mr. Childs could get you some justice. Or maybe just some free coffee...

Great recap!


eric3000 said...

Ha ha!

Unknown said...

I have laughed so much at your Garnier story that I have absolutely no eye makeup left! I laughed so much that my daughters made me stop and read it to them. Then I laughed so hard while reading it that I kept having to repeat myself.

Thank you for the comedic relief!!!

eric3000 said...

Well, if my story of tragedy and sorrow can lift just one person's spirit, then it was all worth it! LOL!

suzq said...

And here, I was thinking you were going to say that Garnier products made your scalp itch and your skin look like Collier Strong's.

lovemesomeuli said...

You know, I am a recovering attorney, but I could come out of retirement to take on your Garnier case. Well, that is, if I want to give up my Garnier hair products so it wouldn't be a conflict of interest. Hmm, I'll have to think about that one. Do I want fabulous hair or do I want justice for Eric?

I agree with you about the accordian doohicky on Anthony's plain black dress. Really, that says Chinatown?

Poor Amy. This really shouldn't have been the one to be elimitated for, but she just missed the boat on the challenge. If the judges didn't love Jay so much he probably would have been sent packing. Then again, his outfit might look good on a crackhead, so I guess he followed the challenge more than Amy did.

And how exactly is black and white color blocking East Village style? Whatevs . . .

I think Seth Aaron and Emilio won because they did the best at interpreting their neighborhood and played well together. I, of course, thought Seth Aaron should take it all, but I'll give it to Emilio for adding color to Seth Aaron's look.

LauraK said...

I always assumed that the background color on this blog was an homage to Garnier... Guess I was wrong.

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

The only problem I have with Seth Aaron is his name. That cutsy blend of a seth and aaron just sounds pretentious.

I am so sorry about your Garnier mishap. It has the ring of a Bob Costa story. You know the kind... "In his earlier years his house was destroyed by a Garnier babe and he was left homeless. Now he here at the olympics participating in curling."

eric3000 said...

You are all cracking me up!

Noodle said...

I forgot how funny you are!
I lost my favorites list when I switch computers awhile back. i always read you PR and top chef blogs.

You are the guy who want's the Brady Bunch kitchen, right? LOL
You are back in my favorites list.

P.s. Dis Bloge needz pickturzz. NURRR :(

Noodle said...

Please ignore the typos in my above comment. The typos that were NOT intentional, that is. :)

Hmmm, my verification word to type in the box is codshaft.
for some reason it made me laugh.

eric3000 said...

Yeah, Noodle, I know I could make my posts more visually interesting, but I'm just too lazy.