Friday, September 09, 2011

Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 7: Can't we all just kill each other?

Bert: "What the hell was that?"

Joshua: "That was the sound of America suddenly liking you again."

Bert: "But why? I'm as rude and unsociable as ever."

Joshua: "Yeah, but compared to a full-on sociopath you're almost adorable. I wish I could feel sorry for stealing your thunder, but obviously that would require empathy. Too bad."

The designers are split into two teams of five for a textile design challenge. In addition to creating textile designs, they will also have to create videos, record music, construct a new runway, redecorate the studio, perform a minor outpatient procedure on Michael Kors (he has a mole that doesn't look quite right), and make an amuse bouche that will delight the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

The good news is that they have two full days. Also, Betsey Johnson is here to help:

Betsey Johnson: "Here is a four second video of my new collection that will give you all the inspiration you will need!"

ooh ... ahh ... oh ... ooh ... and that's it?

Betsey Johnson: "My collection is so amazing that any longer than four seconds would make your head explode."

Team Chaos is Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Olivier, and Bryce. Team Nuts and Bolts is Joshua, Laura, Kimberly, Becky, and Bert.

Team Chaos is a vision of order and reason, while Team Nuts and Bolts is falling apart.

Alanis Morissette: "There's a word for that. It's right on the tip of my tongue ..."

No one cares, Alanis. Anyway, Bert was picked last again:

Heidi: "I feel so bad that Bert is always picked last. Why doesn't everyone else love Bert as much as I do?"

Bert: "Probably because everyone else has actually spent time with me."

Heidi: "What was that?"

Bert: "Nothing. I was just swearing under my breath."

Heidi: "Oh, good."

The teams get to work. For Team Chaos, Anthony Ryan comes up with the theme of a Horshack test. That's that thing where a therapist forces you to look at pictures of Ron Palillo from Welcome Back, Kotter until you start crying. It's surprisingly effective.

For Team Chock full o'Nuts, Joshua decides that this would be a good time to argue about the Village People:

Joshua: "Shut up, shut up, shut up! There is no fireman in the Village People!"

Laura: "Well, there should be. Firemen are national heroes."

Joshua: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Joshua storms out of the room.

Tim makes his rounds in the design room. Team Chaos has some nice black-and-white prints, their designs are looking good, and they are getting along really well. Tim doesn't know what to tell them:

Tim: "I'm flummoxed. Hmmm. Oh, I know; make sure your garments fit well!"

Wow, Tim. That was so helpful. Maybe you should have told them to use a Magic 8 Ball to predict what styling the judges would prefer for this challenge.

Team Chock full o'Nuts made some really tacky black-and-white prints, their designs are terrible, and they all hate each other. Tim knows just what to do:

Tim: "I learned this from my dear friend Madonna, who does this before every concert. Let's form a prayer circle and pray for a good show. Now, gargle with some salt water and make sure you pee, because this is going to be a long set."

In addition to Heidi, Michael, and Nina, we also have Rachel Roy and Rose Byrne as judges this week. Why do we keep getting five judges this season? Is it just in case Nina doesn't show up?

Nothing about Team Chock full o'Nuts worked. The prints were dreadful (Becky's giant gear print was the best of the worst), The designs were even worse than the prints, and the video was pathetic. The video, which was supposed to be background imagery for the runway show, featured a storyline about a woman who likes shoes and getting out of taxis. Joshua should have been deported from New York City for making that.

Michael Kors: "It's like hookers who went to a hooker convention at a place where hookers go."

He's right, you guys. That's exactly what it was like.

So, yeah, everything went wrong with that team and it was all Joshua's fault. Obviously, Becky is sent home. Sorry Becky.

Team Chaos has a great show. Nothing terribly exciting, but still some of the nicest garments we've seen all season. And they worked really well as a collection. And their video was really good. The judges love Anya's cute print dress and Viktor's beautiful gown and they totally cream themselves over Olivier's jacket. Other than the styling (they should have used the Magic 8 Ball), the judges love almost everything about this team's work.

Heidi: "Team Chaos wins."

I just have one thing to say about that: duh.

The winning team has to pick a pirate king:

Olivier: "I pick myself."

Viktor: "I pick myself."

Anthony Ryan: "I pick myself."

Anya: "I pick myself."

Geoffrey Rush: "I pick myself."

Keira Knightley: "I pick myself."

Johnny Depp: "I pick Anya."

Anya is the only pirate to get two votes so she becomes the pirate king! Congratulations, Anya!

Oh, and the new exit line for the show is going to be "Your crotch has been cancelled."


Cliff O'Neill said...

Wetting myself over the new exit line. I shall now be reduced to shouting "YOUR CROTCH HAS BEEN CANCELLED!" to random people on the street.

Thank you!

Tbone said...

Team BPR read this together tonight and are on the floor laughing. Thank you Eric!

eric3000 said...

Thanks, Tbone! That's so cool! I hope Team BPR is having an amazing time in New York!

And Cliff, I'm sure you've been yelling that at people for a long time! LOL!

Catherine said...

I'm a little frustrated by people who keep showing up on the show and we have no idea who they are. Who are these actresses? I've never heard of most of them. And who is that Betsey Johnson character? I'm sorry - I don't live in a big city, but if I saw her walking down the street of my medium-sized city I would think she was a prostitute. Really. An old one.

lovemesomeuli said...

Love the references to Welcome Back Kotter and Pirates! Not loving the lack of creativity in these designers though. BORED! Hello, can we have some color in those prints?

Oh, and I don't think there is an amuse bouche that will delight the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They're hard to please.

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

I felt like the whole chock full of nuts team should have been aufed without much loss.

Thanks for the fun.

Hey, TCM is showing 50yrs of Merchant Ivory films on Thursday nights this month. I thought you might be interested.

Monica said...

I'm curious why Nina thinks a crotch being delayed is worse than a crotch being canceled.

And besides, you knew Josh couldn't go home this week. As per the new rule of season 9, if you call your family, you can't go home.

terpsichory said...

I'm still laughing! You're outdoing yourself, thanks so much!

I kind of love the editors of the show. Some of the picture/voice-over clashes have been quite delicious, but the soft-focus-happy-chaos-days-mini-montage almost killed me.

David Dust said...

"Team Chock Full O'Nuts" - LOLOLOL!!

And if Heidi doesn't say "Your Crotch Has Been Cancelled" to next week's auf-ee, I'll be very sad.


Chatman said...

Excellent blog, I will start reading this regularly. Dying laughing though the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

I eagerly awaited your blog and as usual I laughed hard and read it twice. Keep up the unexpected twists (Johnny Depp finally picks Anya) and your to-the-point descriptions (Team Chaos is a vision of order and reason, while Team Nuts and Bolts is falling apart).

Katie said...

Loved reading this...the Alanis joke was HIL-arious. My only gripe about this week was that Laura was stuck with the nuts. She may not be the break out winner but I like her and most of what she has done so far. It was so frustrasting to watch her have to smooth Josh "the diva's" feathers just so they could get on with it. I think she was the victim of the rest of the team's incompetence. (plus this the SECOND time she got stuck with bert--there needs to be a limit and a trophy for that!)

NDC said...

Brilliant recap, and too kind to the "designers," and that term is used loosely, since PR9 and Lifetime are sure stretching its definition with this crowd, who made that episode singularly devoid of dressmaking, styling, fitting and real designing - the attributes that made us fans way back when this was a talent show about exceptional clothing design.

My, that was a long sentence. But the wordy sentiments stand.

All the best,

NDC (Now NDC@IP Central over at TLo)

Catherine said...

Oh and also, I heart your blog.