Project Runway Season Ten, episode 3: Welcome Back, Kotter!

John Travolta: "Seriously? You're doing a 'Welcome Back, Kotter' theme this week, just because previous designers are coming back? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of and I refuse to be involved. Good luck doing it without me."

Well, up your nose with a rubber hose. OK, so there will be no theme this week. Just the facts. The designers are making red carpet looks for designers from previous seasons to wear to the Emmys. Why these designers will be going to the Emmys is not explained. Also not explained is what the hell Lexus has to do with any of this:

Tim: "Everyone knows that all great fashion design is inspired by Lexus, the greatest car ever in the history of the world. Just look at it. Have you ever seen anything so magnificent?"

It looks like a car.

Tim: "Maybe to the untrained eye. But if you drove it you would understand what it means to truly be free!"

Can we please get on with the show?

Tim: "Not until you go test drive a Lexus."

I AM NEVER GOING TO BUY A LEXUS! JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Tim: "Geez, Louise. I was just trying to add some glamour to your life. Some people just refuse to take my advice. Carry on."

So, anyway, back to the challenge. The designers express their feelings about the red carpet:

Ven: "I've been watching the red carpet arrivals on television since I was a child. I can tell you are intimidated by that, but I don't care."

Kooan: "This challenge makes me sad. And when I'm sad I'm not happy. And not being happy makes me sad. I don't like being sad."

Raul: "I hate the red carpet. This was the one thing I didn't want to do. I was hoping this challenge would take place on the fourth week, after I was already eliminated."

The designers will be working in teams of two:

Christofur and Andrea are working with Anya:

Anya: "I don't really like to show my stomach on the red carpet."

Christofur: "Ha ha! Don't worry, we would never do that. We are only going to show your cleavage and your ass crack."

Anya: "Um..."

Back in the design room, Christofur is mystified by a request to alter the design:

Anya: "Could you cover the cleavage with a piece of fabric?"

Christofur: "What are you talking about? Are you all insane?"

Meanwhile, Andrea is not working fast enough for Christofur. She seems completely oblivious of the fact that they are running out of time:

Andrea: "Merrowing, merrowing, merrowing, merrowing, life is but a dream."

A merrowing machine, by the way, is the same thing as an overlock or serger. I had never heard it called that before, but I looked it up and it turns out the machine was invented by a Mr. Merrow. Isn't it amazing that someone as knowledgeable as I am can still learn things? Life is full of surprises.

Their resulting "gown" is fascinatingly horrid. It is completely inexplicable. Anya suddenly has the bust of Queen Elizabeth II. How is that possible? Did they stuff a diaper into her top?

Sonjia and Nathan are working with Valerie. Absolutely nothing interesting happens.

Elena and Buffi are working with Laura Bennett:

Elena: "Growing up in Ukrain, I spent every day fighting off packs of wolves that were trying to take my food. But nothing could prepare me for the harrowing experience of working with Buffi." 

After all the drama of Elena walking out of the design room and Buffi missing dinner, the resulting gown was not bad. It should have been in the top two.

Ven and Fabio are working with Kenley. They make the same dress she is already wearing, but in a fancier fabric and with added fullness on the top, which, in my opinion, doesn't look good with a full skirt.

Gunnar and Kooan are working with Irina:

Irina: "I can't wait to have you two freaks make me a gown! I am so glad I agreed to this!"

The resulting white gown is not quite the tragedy I expected, but it's still pretty bad. The judges, of course, love it and it is in the top two:

Irina: "Please, I'm begging you, don't make me wear this to the Emmys!"

Alicia and Raul are working with Mila:

Alicia and Raul: "We are actually menswear designers, so we want to make a menswear-inspired look."

Mila: "That sounds great!"

Alicia and Raul: "That's what we want to do. But that isn't what we are actually going to do."

Mila: "oh."

Yeah, this was bizarre. If they had thrown a wad of fabric at Mila it would have looked better than this. No, I take that back. I think that's what they actually did.

Dmitry and Melissa are working with April:

Dmitry: "I found the charmeuse."

Melissa: "Is it chartreuse?"

Dmitry: "No, I couldn't find any chartreuse charmeuse."

Melissa: "If we don't get the chartreuse charmeuse we're going to lose!"

Fortunately, they find some charmeuse in silver and, against all odds, create a beautiful, interesting gown that looked good on April and could be worn on the red carpet. It was by far the best thing on the runway. The judges don't even put it in the top two. Was it not Lexusy enough?

Raul is out. Ven wins.

Kenley, of course, is causing her usual problems:

Kenley: "I love the dress! It's exactly what I wanted!"

God, she's such a bitch.

Project Runway Season X, episode two: Let the Games Begin!

[photo credit: time.com]

Over these buildings, in these streets, on this stage, on this isle of wonder, Manhattan, a decade of beautiful minds have defined the measure of our planet, and stubbornly propelled our fashion progress toward enlightenment, toward lasting achievement. Here, the location of time's most famous square, we divide the hemispheres into whether you are in or out, set our clocks to an imaginary line, 9:00 P.M. Eastern Time, measured in Greenwich Village. but the laws of relativity, not Newton's, apply to a designer's pursuit, an inescapable eternity of repetition, hours, days, years, from margins calculated by inches, centimeters, decimal points, for the promise of moments everlasting. Even when motion is all but frozen, we may still doubt what we see. Two and a half pleats, an asymmetrical hem, a dart slicing two feet, to find a target two and a half inches in diameter. 

And as the competition returns to Parsons for the ninth time in the modern era, the Project Runway theatre will entertain us with a Shakespearian swoop, with effusive, fast emerging designers, honor students with soaring expectations, with a mature feminist who refuses to take the advice of her mentor, a girl trying to recover from a debilitating glue-gun accident, and several disasterous experiments with cotton-candy; on heels, on water, in mid-air, Parsons' lions will be tracked by the lens of a media microscope, where advantage is defined by hundredths of a second. And in design's greatest rivalry, the ultimate competitor, Gunnar, collides with the raw commitment and zen-like cool of Christofur, who soon could be the most decorated designer of this season. 

Here, where monuments were built in an age of mythology, where for ten years a ceremony of keys nightly locks the prisoners in the Atlas tower, here, where fairytales never end, and a group of designers, indomitable, sustain the flame of fashion. Here on the isle of wonder we'll hear again the echos of an ancient ethos: faster, tighter, shorter. Ocius, adstringo, brevis. How fast, how tight, how short, can we extend the very measure of a garment, before slipping into hooker territory? Theirs is a pursuit of timeless achievement, be it astonishing ... magnificent ... everlasting.

Bob Costas: "Parsons, five hundred years ago the residence of Henry VIII. Now, on a Thursday in the summer of 2012 it's where the Project Runway torch began the final leg in the journey that started by tradition in New Jersey, and today the torch continues along the Hudson River, through Lower Manhattan, and east to Dylan's Candy Bar, where, with 15 designers from about five countries, the flame will be lit again and Queen Elizabeth will declare open the second episode of the tenth season of Project Runway. Historic Brooklyn Bridge is adorned with the Project Runway logo for all the city and the world to see, and Kenneth Branaugh is dressed, if I'm not completely mistaken, as Abraham Lincoln. Hi, everybody, I'm Bob Costas and I think you'll agree that my hair is almost a color that can be found in nature."

His hair does look better than usual. Now, before we start, I have to tell you that due to weather conditions, you have been provided with a poncho to wear. Please don't use umbrellas in your house; it will affect your viewing experience and it is also bad luck. Thank you. This week's episode will be produced by famed director Danny Boyle:

Meredith Vieira: "I asked my dear friend Danny Boyle about the challenge of producing this episode of Project Runway. He knows he can't compete with last week's over-the-top episode in Times Square, so tonight you are going to see something more cinematic, a mix of live action and short films. In other words, it's going to be cheap. But Danny said he was feeling very confident."

Michael Kors: "Is it confidence or arrogance?"

Meredith Vieira: "What's the difference?"

Michael Kors: "It's simple: if you think you're great and I agree with you, then it's confidence; if you think you're great and I don't agree with you, then it's arrogance."

Meredith Vieira: "Wow, that is simple."

The episode starts with the designers meeting Ralph Lauren's daughter at her candy store, where you can get a bag of jelly beans for the low low price of $500.

Dylan Lauren: "And all this controversy about my jelly beans being manufactured in China is totally overblown. We're living in a global economy, people! The important thing is that I'm really, really rich."

Look, I'm not judging. Time for the Parade of Nations!

Bob Costas: "Just a reminder: the models will be walking the runway in alphabetical order, based on the Pig Latin form of their names."

Yes, Bob, everyone knows that. Here are some of the comments Bob makes as the designers walk into the Parsons stadium:

Bob Costas: "First up is Gunnar, with a black and white peplum dress made of liccorice. Interesting fact about Gunnar: like most of the competitors tonight, he has never won a challenge, yet he still thinks he is hot shit."

"Sonjia created a pretty blue number out of jelly beans and gummy sharks. This tiny land-locked designer usually does better in winter sports."

"Melissa created a terrific leather-look outfit from licorrice. The king of her country offered untold riches to anyone who brought home a gold."

"Nathan made a really heavy skirt that looks like a giant lampshade. Nathan is the defending table-tennis champion in his parents' basement."

"Andrea made a candy-button apron with an umbrella-fabric bustle. There are four countries sending women to the competition for the first time."

"Alicia made an asymmetrical romper. You can always recognize Team Bermuda because of their shorts."

"Elena has never won a medal in badminton."

"Fabio was suspended from competition for five years because he accidentally took cold medication. Fortunately, the verdict was overturned on appeal and here he is. I made up that story, but that doesn't make it any less interesting."

"Dmitry is representing the country of Belarus. 97% of Americans do not know that county exists."

"Kooan is representing Japan. Japan is not walking together with North Korea this year. Or any other year. Just thought I'd mention it."

"Christofur made a nice dress that looks beaded. He was going for his second gold medal, but he didn't get it."

"Raul created a pretty blue top, but the skirt is ugly. Kim Jong Il is supposed to have shot seven holes-in-one the very first time he ever played golf. That's a lie and I'm not afraid to say it."

"Buffi made a nice woven top but she over-accessorized. Idi Amin once told me that the one thing he can't abide is over-accessorizing."

"Lantie was going to open a shop, but then the market for shops crashed. So it's just bad timing that has kept her from being a really successful shop owner. It has nothing to do with the fact that she can't design clothes. Lantie made a dress out of an umbrella and she is out."

"Ven made a pretty dress that looks like a stained-glass window. He wins the competition and sticks his flag in Glastonbury Tor. Tor is an ancient Celtic word that means 'the cattle are dying.' Stay tuned for Paul McCartney!"

Project Runway Season Ten. And We're back!

OK, I'm sorry but I just don't have time to fart around this season, so here's what's gonna happen: I'm going to make some hilarious comment like "I guess I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue" or maybe a timely reference to the "Charley bit my finger" video, then I'll tell you who won and lost this week's challenge, which you will already know anyway, and then we can all go home and get some sleep. Sound like a plan?

Oh, alright. Fine. Let's talk about what we saw. First the commercials, which are usually the best part of the show. So, you know when you're nude modeling and then the woman who is painting your portrait notices that you have toenail fungus? Yeah, it's really embarrassing. Fortunately, a company has developed a new product specifically for nude modeling toenail fungus. Problem solved!. But now we have an even bigger problem:

Lifetime Television: "Lindsay Lohan IS Elizabeth Taylor!"

OH, MY GOD, NO SHE ISN'T! Why would you even say that?

Lifetime Television: "Seriously. Please watch it."

ugh.

OK, on to the designers. You call these All Stars? I've never even seen these people before!

Gunnar: "You've seen me before, girlfriend. And I'm a huge star!"

Well, yeah, I guess I do remember Gunnar. But, seriously, this season of All Stars is even worse than last season."

Heidi: "This isn't All Stars, you dumb-ass. It's just the regular season. Now, watch this fascinating clip about my photo shoot posing with a bunch of scissors. It's from an eight-part documentary miniseries produced by Ken Burns for PBS. I think you'll learn a lot about how amazing it is to be me."

I smell an Emmy.

So, first we have the Road to the Runway, which was OK. Zanna Roberts Rassi tells us that there were moments of comedy during the audition process. I think they went something like this:

Daniel Franco: "AHHH, MY SPLEEN!!!"

That never gets old. Then Zanna does one of her famous five-second interviews:

Zanna: "Thank you so much for being here, Anya."

Anya: "It's my pleasure."

Zanna: "Well, we've enjoyed catching up. Good luck with your career."

That was fun. So, in between the segments where we meet the new designers and the segments where they show their racks of clothes to the judges, we also get these really annoying segments with Nick and Mondo bickering and telling us how great all these designer are:

Nick: "[So and So's] work immediately made me think that this is what you would get if [this one famous designer you've never heard of] and [this other famous designer you've never heard of] had a baby. That's how good it was!"

Wow, Nick, that was so insightful.

Anyway, back to meeting the designers. So, yeah, we have Gunnar. And then we also have his arch enemy/best friend/who gives a crap Christofur (I spelled it that way because he really likes fur. Isn't that clever?) These two are going to get into some serious catfights:

Gunnar: "meow"

Christofur: "meow"

[photo credit: jhartenfeld]

By the way, I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but there are some really cute pictures of cats on the Internet.

And speaking of cats, we have Andrea, a genuine radical feminazi and reluctant cat lady. Love her!

We also have Dmitri, who is from Belarus and looks very familiar, for some reason. Does that count as being an All Star?

Heidi: "Will you shut up already about the All Stars?"

Fine. Lantie likes to stick a lot of crap on her dresses. I'm already not a fan.

Ven is from a country you've never heard of. Don't even bother asking what country it is. You haven't heard of it. What? He's from Guyana? Oh, never mind. We've heard of that. Apparently the other designers are completely intimidated by his talent. They don't actually appear to be intimidated by his talent, but that's how you can tell they are.

Sonjia can make clothes out of an old couch. So that's pretty cool, right?

Elena makes really great clothes. But I'm not convinced they aren't just copies of costumes from video games or cartoons. I don't play video games, but I have seen Aeon Flux.

Beatrice lives in Los Angeles. Judging from the footage they are showing us, she apparently lives on a boat. She is also the first person to ever work her way through college.

Kooan is from Japan. He's a puzzle. There is a fine line between crazy-fun and ugly-for-the-sake-of attention-seeking. I'm willing to give him a chance, though.

Buffi tells us the exciting news that we can, in fact, mix prints! So, yay!

Fabio has lots of hats and empty picture frames and he's a freegan, which is a real thing.

Alicia makes clothes for lesbians, so I'm pretty much in love with her.

Melissa lives in a flat because apartments are just not Gothic enough for her.

Nathan's relationship with his father was saved by Project Runway. Well, if just one designer's relationship with his father has been saved, then watching this show for ten years has all been worth it.

Raul. I don't know what to say about Raul.

So, they are celebrating the ten year anniversary of Project Runway. For this challenge, the designers were told to send in a look they made at home. Then they have one day and $100 to make a second look that relates to the first look. The runway show is in front of a huge crowd in Times Square, which is pretty exciting.

Heidi: "I have to say I was very impressed ..."

Because it's in your contract.

Heidi: "Because it's in my ... hey, stop that!"

Sorry, I think I make you tell that joke every season.

Patricia Field and Lauren Graham are the guest judges. Christofur wins and Beatrice is out. And that's it.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the clothes. Well, some of the garments the designers sent in were pretty good, but pretty much everything actually made during the challenge was garbage:

Fabio: "Mmmmmm, garbage."

Project Runway All Stars Finale: The look of love!

Before we start the finale, we have a question from a viewer. Stephanie from Delaware wants to know Isaac’s number one piece of fashion advice:

Isaac: “Spend all your money on your hair. I mean it. Every damn penny. Clean out your retirement account, sell your house, pawn your jewelry, and spend all of it on your hair. You will not regret it.”

Stephanie from Delaware: “Uh, okay, but what about the rest of my outfit?”

Isaac: “Just get your clothes at Target. Trust me, Stephanie, nobody cares what you’re wearing.”

Sensible advice. Now let’s get back to the finale. We pick up the story with the three finalists, Austin, Mondo, and Michael, heading to the runway venue, the beautiful New York Hall, in downtown Gotham City.

The designers make their final adjustments. Michael’s models are causing him serious problems; one of them lost ten pounds in her right arm and gained ten pounds in her left arm. Another one of his models lost six inches from her waist. That’s just inconsiderate.

Joanna Coles very sweetly decides she needs to use a lint roller on Mondo, who, obviously, complains about it:

Mondo: “It’s just like having your aunt use a lint roller on you.”

So, what you’re saying is if I get my aunt to use a lint roller on me, I will know what it feels like to have Joanna Coles de-lint me? I think I speak for everyone when I say, I would like to give that a try. 

Time for the runway, with Angela, Georgina, Isaac, and guest judges Tommy Hilfiger and Martin Fry, lead singer of the 80s pop group ABC. Oh, my god, we love Martin Fry!

Austin comes out on stage to promote the new “Dark Shadows” movie:

Austin: “So this vampire from the 19th century, played by Johnny Depp, is suddenly transported to present day Williamsburg, where he gets his hair styled by his Hasidic dandy friends, and Helena Bonham Carter is probably in it but I’m not sure. Thank you.”

OK, I did not have high hopes for this collection. But he opened with a great look: crazy flared pink shorts. From the silhouette to the styling, I loved everything about it. It’s the most interesting thing Austin has ever made; the Erics are unanimous in that. His second look is an adorable little lace dress. It’s perfect. So far, I’m impressed. Is it possible he made a great collection? 

Well, no. The collection went downhill fast after the second look. The third look was boring and the red carpet gown was ridiculous. The black vinyl jumpsuit was fine, but the wedding dress was aggressively mediocre and had nothing to do with the rest of the collection. I just don't know who his customer is; a young, modern woman or an elderly drag queen? His collection was schizophrenic. I think it needs therapy.

And speaking of needing therapy:

Mondo: “After this season of Project Runway All Stars, I need therapy. No, I'm being serious. Why are you all laughing? This is a cry for help!”

I don't have much to say about Mondo’s collection. It was excellent. It was as fresh and fun as his previous collection, but possibly more sophisticated. As I noted in my previous post, the ink blot design is so last year, but he did it so well I don’t care. The weakest piece was his final dress; the fabric was cool but the design was a little blah. 

And speaking of a little blah:

Michael: “Hi, everybody. I didn’t realize I was supposed to prepare a speech. I would like to take you on a trip to see the Yeti, the mythical big foot creature of the North. Enjoy.”

what?

Michael: “Did I say the Yeti? I meant the Serengeti. Sorry, I’m really nervous. I just want this so bad.”

Michael made a beautiful, solid collection, but because it all blurred together for me, I’m just going to let Joanna do her play by play:

Joanna: “Look one -- very luxurious and comfortable. Look two -- those layering pieces are a designer’s bread and butter. Look three -- love those prints. Look four -- love the flats with that. Look five -- no comment. Look six -- this is the moment when they will know it’s you; this is the signature Michael dress. Michael, you rock. You’re the best. Everyone loves you. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can fly higher than an eagle. You are the wind beneath my wings.”

Oh, Joanna, you are so wonderful and supportive and full of crap. I love you!

Angela: “The winning designer will get the use of a studio for a year, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, a boutique at Neiman Marcus, and one hundred thousand dollars. That’s quite a package, Isaac!”

Isaac: “Thank you, Angela!”

Mondo wins. Big surprise. Congratulations, Mondo! As annoying as he’s been this season, I think he deserves it. Martin Fry is excited to have Mondo open his boutiques in Neiman Marcus. I can’t wait to see them; I think he’s the best choice for that prize. He will also probably make a good guest editor, if he takes a little Prozac.

Well, that’s the season. Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to a little blogging vacation, but I’ll be back this summer for the next season of Project Runway No Stars!

But before we go, the multi-talented Michael Costello would like to do an impression of Dave from “Happy Endings”:

Michael: “I’m Dave.”

Project Runway All Stars Season Finale, Part One: The Hunger Games!


Mondo: “I am so done eating. Over it.”

Austin: “But we haven’t even had dessert. I’m so hungry!”

Michael: “I want this so bad I can taste it. Are you gonna finish that?”

I’m assuming The Hunger Games is a reality show about being really hungry, right? So, we start our tale in the mythical city of New York, in a not-so-distant future where the Real Housewives franchise has merged with The Amazing Race. For the new hybrid show, fashion designers are sent as tribute from the different boroughs of the city to create mini-collections of five looks in four days for $3,000 and then fight to the death.

From the borough of Clinicaldepressionville we have Mondo and Mila, creating a collection based on therapy. They are using Rorschach ink blots, which would be a cool idea if we hadn’t just seen it on the last season of Project Runway.

From the borough of Kosher-Fragonardistan we have Austin and Anthony. They are creating a collection based on Marie Antoinette, punk rock, and Hasidic Jews. Which sounds totally awesome. Unfortunately, none of those references will be detectable in the collection.

And finally, from the borough of Why-Dear-God-Why? we have Michael and April, creating a resort collection based on an African safari.

Joanna: “I’ll tell you why. One third of all clothing sold globally is purchased by women who need long, flowing gowns to wear on safari.”

I find that hard to believe.

Joanna: “It says so in the most recent issue of Marie Claire, so it must be true.”

Oh, right, so speaking of that, the designers get to visit Joanna at her office:

Joanna: “Let me tell you about my typical work day. I get dressed in the most fabulous clothes and then I stand around in a glass case pointing at things and looking super important and hot as hell. I make people walk by and stare at me and then I see how long I can make them wait before they jump out a window. I love my job.”

Yeah, no kidding. So the designers get advice about creating a collection from Joanna, Angela, Georgina, and Isaac:

Joanna: “Theatricality in a collection is not mandatory.”

Angela: “Hi, guys!”

Georgina: “It’s perfectly normal to be suicidal all the time.”

Isaac: “I have one word for you: schadenfreude. Remember that.”

The designers process the information:

Michael: “I’m just going to sit back and soak this in.”

Mondo: “I’m just going to sit back and do nothing for the rest of the day.”

Austin: “I’m going to make a wedding dress!”

In the design room, Mondo is being a real pill:

Mondo: “I am in a foul mood.”

And he’s usually such a ray of sunshine. Well, it’s time for model selection. That should be fun. We’re ready for you, ladies.

Austin: “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t call us ladies. Even though I’m in full makeup and wearing a blouse, I would still prefer to be referred to as a gentleman.”

I was talking to the models.

Austin: “oh.”

Mondo and Austin fight over the models. It’s a fight to the death. Austin takes out a glove (you know he always has gloves with him at all times) and challenges Mondo to a duel. Michael is the second. They take ten paces, turn, raise their pistols, and …

Michael: “Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we flip a coin, instead!”

Oh, come on! We only watch this show for the violence! And the full frontal nudity! Oh, well.

The All Stars twist, otherwise known as a regular old twist, is that they have to make an extra look from the scraps from previous challenges this season. That’s a pretty fun challenge, though it obviously works better for some designers than for others. Mondo often mixes fabrics, so this should be easy for him. Michael, on the other hand, usually needs a lot of yardage of the same fabric, so he could have a hard time. However, this might be the kick in the pants Michael needs; it might force him to create something other than the same boring dress he makes for every challenge. I can hope, anyway.

Other than the designers trying to one-up each other about who had the worst childhood and who is going through the greatest personal challenges at the moment, not much happened this week. There was no runway and there were no home visits. Also, my laptop, which I previously reported as dying, completely died this week and I’m writing this at work, during my lunch break. So I have to go now. I’m glad we are almost done with the season.

Tune in next week when Mondo is declared the winner. Oops, did I just give that away?

Project Runway All Stars, episode ten: Cost me, baby, one more time!

This week Mondo goes through all the stages of grief: Fear, Denial, Bargaining, Wishy-Washyness, Anger, Obliviousness, Shock, Pissyness, Hoarding, Joy, and, finally, Acceptance.

Mondo: "I am emotionally drained."

I'm also starting to find Mondo a little exhausting. And there were way too many fights in this episode. About nothing:

Micheal: "Hey, Kenley, look at my sketch."

Kenley: "Wow, that is a beautiful sketch, Michael. You should teach Mondo how to sketch like that."

Mondo: "I heard that and it really hurt my feelings."

Kenley: "You can't hear me because you are standing all the way over there."

Mondo: "No, I can hear you."

Kenley: "That's impossible. You are too far away to hear me."

Mondo: "Trust me. I can hear you."

Kenley: "I don't know why you keep saying that. You obviously can't hear me. You are standing on the other side of the room."

Mondo: "What the hell is wrong with you? I'm telling you I can hear you."

Kenley: "Fine! You can hear me! What were we arguing about?"

Mondo: "I don't remember."

The challenge this week was fascinating. It was the first challenge this season that actually made sense. The designers had to make a garment that could be produced at a specific price point. And they worked with an actual coster, who determined exactly how much their design would cost to make and how much it would sell for. There have been challenges is the past in which the designers had to keep budget in mind, but I don't think they have ever gone into this much detail. I was a little surprised that they were going for a $300 to $500 price point, which seems like a lot, especially when you are creating garments you could get at H&M for about $19.95. I'm kidding, of course. They would cost $29.95.

So Kenley had a real advantage in this challenge, because she has done this type of costing before. She knew exactly what her garment would sell for, she knew exactly what the production costs would be, and she knew exactly what the fabrication would cost. So Kenley was sent home.

Sorry, Kenley! That dress was boring, but I'm sorry to see you go.

Austin and Michael were the middle two this week. Austin made a decent fuchsia swing coat and Michael made another pretty but boring dress that consists of two pieces of fabric stuck together in a way that prevents you from being able to wear a bra. Joanna is pulling her hair out. Michael promises he will get his point of view across. Which is great because more of Michael's point of view is exactly what nobody has been asking for.

The big deal this week is that Mondo can't sketch. He had no way to express his concept to the coster, which was a really important part of the challenge. Obviously, he won. So let's look at the sketch Mondo made this week:

Mondo: "See, it's a guy shooting another guy, who is saying, 'Ow' because it hurts."

Look, don't get me wrong, it's a great sketch. I think it's a powerful image that comments on the prevalence of gun violence in modern society. I'm just not sure it's an effective way to explain your idea for a dress. But what do I know? His dress was super-cute, by the way. Congratulations, Mondo!*

Just for fun, I am actually going to mention the purported host of the show, Angela. I have avoided her all season, so I think it's time to give her a say:

Angela: "I loved the color and I loved the shape. See, it says right here in my notes that I loved the color and I loved the shape. So it must be true."

The really sad thing is THAT'S THE MOST INTERESTING THING SHE HAS EVER SAID!

That's it. Tune in next week for the finale.

[The sketch was actually made by our friend's six-year-old while we were eating yogurt recently.]

Project Runway All Stars, episode nine: You light up my life. Sort of.

Let's get right to the challenge. Isaac comes out on stage wearing kind of an ugly skirt, but then he snaps his fingers and the studio goes dark and suddenly he lights up like Times Square on an acid trip:

Isaac: "Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous!"

Yes. The challenge this week is to make an avant garde look that lights up and/or glows in the dark:

Joanna: "But, tell us, Isaac, what does avant garde mean?"

Isaac: "I'm glad you asked. It means something new."

Joanna: "It doesn't mean shocking?"

Isaac: "Nope. Just new."

Joanna: "Does it have to look like something that would be worn in outer space?"

Isaac: "No. It just has to be new."

Joanna: "But surely it has to be costumey and completely unwearable, right?"

Isaac: "Are you trying to drive me crazy, Joanna? It just has to be something we haven't seen before. It has to be new. That's it. End of story. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Joanna: "Alright. No need to get upset. I was just asking."

Can we get to the challenge?

Isaac: "First, I have to tell you who the guest judge is. Normally, we would tell you when the judging starts, but this guest judge is so talented it can't wait."

He has had all his skin replaced with the finest Corinthian leather.
He once had a wardrobe malfunction and people were outraged because they missed it.
Downton Abbey was based on his life.
He IS the most interesting man in the world.

Wow, that is pretty impressive, but...

Wrestling alligators doesn't excite him. He only does it to give the alligators some exercise.
When his momma sits around the house, she uses a comfortable chair.
Siri asks him for directions.
He IS the most interesting man in the world.

Oh, I didn't realize there was more of...

He has won seven Academy Awards, despite the fact that he has never been nominated.
His tears taste like Mountain Dew and contain even more caffeine.
The price of gold is tied to his body mass index.
He IS the most interesting man in the world.

Are we done now?

Isaac: "Yes, that's right! The guest judge this week is Pharrell Williams and the winner of the challenge will have his (or, less likely, her) design worn by one of Pharrell's artists. Apparently he owns some artists."

Supercool. OK, so the designers go to some weird lighting store and Austin asks the question on everyone's mind:

Austin: "Where do you keep your blue barrettes?"

Well, let's see ... have you tried looking in the barrette aisle?

Same old, same old in the design room this week. Mondo complains about Austin being high maintenance, while working on a Tron Teletubby costume. Michael makes several outfits and then picks the worst one. Jerell finds increasingly hilarious ways to tell us how amazing he is. And Kenley laughs through the pain, while everyone is being a total bitch to her.

Let's get to the runway, with guest judge Pharrell Williams:

Isaac: "He was named Best Dressed Man in the world."

Will you please stop?

Isaac: "No, that one is true. Also, whenever he is asked how many blonds it takes to screw in a light bulb, he always says, 'One,' because he only has the highest respect for women."

Oh, for crying out loud.

Anyway, There is one amazing look on the runway this week, a couple of OK looks, and a couple of duds.

Kenley knocked it out of the park this week. I loved the glowing jacket you could see through to the plaid dress underneath; the styling worked; she made her usual dress, but turned it into a completely different look with the jacket; she managed to add volume on the top and bottom and still have it work; it was almost -- dare I say it? -- avant garde.

Austin's look was very pretty. I really liked it. It was dramatic and made good use of the lights. But it was not even remotely avant garde. Austin won. Very annoying.

Isaac: "Tell me about it. I thought Kenley should have won, too. Unfortunately, I work with a bunch of morons."

Yeah, I guess I should be used to it. So, Mondo is in the middle. His look was fine. Jerell and Michael created looks that were almost good, but they managed to mess them up.

Michael made a ninja outfit and then just wrapped it in glow tape. At first it was striking, and then you realized how badly made it was. And it seemed like the glow tape was an afterthought that had nothing to do with the design. The blinking lights were terrible. I would have sent him home for this.

But I can't blame the judges for sending home Jerell. His look was also bad. But if he hadn't added that awful black maxi-skirt, I think I would have really liked it. The pannier skirt was pretty. But, as usual, everything about the styling was horrid. Jerell is out. Sorry Jerell.

Project Runway All Stars episode eight: Oy vey, can you see?

We start the episode with the designers standing on the lawn of the United Federation of Planets headquarters in New York:

Isaac: "Isn't this inspiring?"

Is it? It just looks like a lawn to me.

Issac: "Yes, but this grass represents the efforts to work together to solve shared problems, such as galactic climate change, tribble over-population, and peace."

Peace is a problem we are trying to solve?

Isaac: "Peace is so boring."

Anyway, why don't you explain this week's completely nonsensical challenge?

Isaac: "It would be my pleasure. This challenge is to create a dress inspired by the colors of a flag, just like Catherine Malandrino did."

I hate to be a contrarian, but that's not so much "inspired" by a flag as it is made out of fabric printed with the image of a flag.

Isaac: "Right. The designers are supposed to be inspired by the colors of their flags. Does that mean they have to use the exact colors? Who knows? Let's wait for the judging to see whether the designers are criticized for using the exact colors or for not using the exact colors. Also, the designers are supposed to be inspired by the people represented by their flags but they can't make anything that looks like the actual clothes worn by those people."

Whuh?

Isaac: "Well, for instance, they shouldn't do this:"

Isaac: "Because that looks too much like a costume. Instead, they should do something like this:"

Isaac: "See? That's an example of how you could take a look worn by real women in Brazil and just update it for a young, modern, sophisticated woman."

So the secret is subtlety?

Isaac: "Now you've got it!"

Anyway, the designers have to make garments inspired by the flags and inhabitants of members of the Federation of Planets:

Austin gets the planet of Betazed.

Austin: "It's very feminine and soft and you can tell the woman who wears this is very emotional and loves chocolate."

That neckline is so NOT regulation!

Jerell gets the Vulcan empire. He loves how ethnic and Vulcany they are:

As usual, Jerell needs a little editing.

Kenley gets the Borg:

Hot, but not the right Borg. Let's try that again:

OK, again, it's totally cute, but she makes the same thing for every challenge.

Kenley: "That's what I wear every day and I only design for myself. Resistance is futile."

Mondo gets the Ferengi Alliance:

It's a surprising use of color. The judges love it. Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo! And Joanna appreciates that the model can wear a bra. You know what they say about women with big ears.

Michael just doesn't get it:

WRONG!!!!!

Michael: "What? My model looks so sexy, she's making me question my pon farr!"

Oh, shut up.

Mila gets the Klingon Empire. She loves how tribal-looking and independent they are:

Isaac: "It reminds me of communism. She's just hard to look at."

Well, that's rude. I think she's lovely. Anyway, Mila is out and Isaac feels the wrath of the Klingon bat'leth:

Isaac: "Aaaah, my spleen!"

Project Runway All Stars Episode Seven: Jesus Christ Superstar, it's a musical!

First, I have to tell you that I just watched Godspell on Youtube, so don't ever say I haven't suffered for my art. I was not feeling this episode, so I apologize for this pathetic post.

The story: a bunch of overly-dramatic hippies wander the city of New York making outfits out of garbage. But enough about Project Runway All Stars, let's get to the Godspell challenge:

The Parable of the Challenge that Made no Sense:
Therefore whosoever heareth this challenge and understand it, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock, because, frankly, I don't get it at all. The designers are told to make an outfit for a rich bitch who both hoards her money and also spends it conspicuously at the same time. But the character isn't even rich; it's actually a poor woman who sings one song where she puts on a feather boa and talks like Mae West to dramatise the fact that you shouldn't worship money. So the costume is really supposed to be made up of props that poor people would find in the trash and use to pretend to be rich. Like maybe a ratty fur coat or a tiara made out of tinfoil.

Anyway, the challenge starts with the designers dancing around in a fountain in Central Park while Austin does Kenley's hair and then someone gets baptised and they go to a junk yard to pick out fabric.

Joanna comes in and tells them that it is easier for a camel to enter the kingdom of heaven than for these designers to figure out how to thread a needle. Or something like that.

Then Kenley has her first musical number:

Kenley: "I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity anyone who isn't me today!"

Mila: "That is the wrong musical, Kenley. You are so annoying."

And now the parable of the designer who has no friends:

Mila: "Hey! I have friends! I just don't flaunt it, like some people."

Then Austin gets all pissed off at Jerell for stealing his sewing machine:

Austin: "It's like I've been slapped in the face!"

Jerell: "Austin, you should turn the other cheek."

Austin: "Oh, alright."

Jerell slaps him on the other cheek. Then they have a laugh and hug it out.

Time for the runway:

The Parable of the Wise and Foolish Designers:
Then shall the Kingdom of Project Runway be likened unto seven designers, which took their garments and went forth to meet the judges. And verily I say unto you, three of those designers didst maketh garments that sucketh, and three of those designers didst maketh garments that didst not totally sucketh, and Jerell was in the middle.

Austin and Mondo are the top two:

The Parable of the Prodigal Designer:
So there was this rich guy and he had two sons, Mondo and Austin, and they both got their inheritance of some money and two days to make an outfit. Mondo freaked out and wasted all his time crying about not being able to make anything, while Austin worked steadily on his Marie Antoinette costume. Finally, when Mondo couldn't go on any longer, he made something and sent it down the runway. And his father was so happy about it, he slaughtered a fattened calf and made him the winner of the challenge. And Austin said unto his father, "This blows." And his father said unto him that he had lost a son and now he is returned and they should rejoice. And Austin said, "OK, I'll turn the other cheek." And then Jerell slapped him again.

Kara and Mila are the bottom two designers:

The Parable of the Designer Taken in Adultery:
So there was this grumpy designer named Mila who tried to make an outfit for a rich woman but accidentally made an outfit for a hooker. And the other designers arrested her for adultery because they didn't really know what that meant and then Isaac said unto them, "Let the designer who has not made a garment for a hooker cast the first stone." And the designers saw that he was right and Mila was saved.

So, after a last supper, Kara dies for our sins. Sorry Kara. Even though I didn't like her garments this season, I still thought crucifying her on a chain link fence was a little harsh. Maybe she will be resurrected for another Project Runway series.

Project Runway All Stars: Face/Off!

To destroy your enemy you must find him, face him, and then ... become him.

This week, thanks to a revolutionary medical breakthrough, the designers have their faces surgically removed and exchanged with another designer's. It's the only way to accurately judge the best design and prevent a bomb from killing millions of innocent people.

Isaac: "Well, technically, it's not the only way. But it is the most practical."

Good enough for me. So, after the designers pick giant handbags for absolutely no reason at all, they go to the Brother Sewing and Face Transplant Center and get prepped for surgery:

Austin and Kara swap faces and create spring looks.
Michael and Jerell swap faces and create winter looks.
Mondo and Kenley swap faces and create summer looks.
And Rami and Mila swap faces and create autumn looks.

They get $200 and only one day to create looks for a weekend getaway. They get 30 minutes to recover from surgery and for sketching.

In addition to sharing faces, the designers also seem to be sharing brains this week. Mila and Kenley are both making looks for girls attending art festivals. Mondo and Kenley are both using polka dots. Jerell and Michael are making the same coat. Austin and Kara are both making painfully dull outfits. Austin's girl is gardening and Michael's girl is planning to murder her and bury her in her own garden. I'm not exactly sure how that last one is a design concept, but I'm not an expert.

Joanna can sense some tension in the design room:

Joanna: "We're going to do what we do at Marie Claire when there is a tense situation: I invite everyone to complain about one person and then I fire the guest editor. Go."

OK, well, here's what happened: Jerell made a coat and then Michael threw out his first design and made almost the same coat as Jerell. Then he pretended to be shocked when it was pointed out to him, as though he had never noticed the coat being made right next to him.

Joanna: "There. Now doesn't everyone feel better?"

Michael: "No."

Joanna: "Terrific. Good luck on the runway."

Michael and Jerell have an awkward meal together:

Jerell: "I am loving this Greek yogurt."

Michael: "I prefer Yoplait."

Jerell: "It is Yoplait."

Michael: "But you said it was Greek."

Jerell: "Right."

Michael: "So is it Greek or is it Yoplait?"

Jerell: "Exactly."

Michael: "I have never been so confused by yogurt."

Mondo: "This reminds me of family meals at my house."

Michael is mad because Jerell is gossiping about him:

Michael: "Oh, you want to play like that, bitch? OK, we can play like that."

Yeah, we already know you can play like that, dummy. You played like that last week when you were gossiping about Kenley helping Kara.

On to the runway with guest judge Cynthia Rowley:

Austin and Kara both made boring high-waisted pant outfits. Both looks are really awful, but Kara is on the top and Austin is on the bottom.

Kenley and Mondo both made outfits with short-shorts and polka dots. Kenley's was a little baby-blue polka dot jumper and it was super cute, though I'm not convinced anyone would actually wear it. Mondo's look was also nice, but the top was not great and the shorts, while cute, looked like the same shorts he does all the time. The judges' complaint about mixing fifties and eighties references was ridiculous, but I agree that Kenley's was better. Kenley is on the top and Mondo is on the bottom.

Rami and Mila actually made very different looks. I guess they didn't get the memo. Rami made a neon-blue knit jacket with tons of draping and volume in front. Apparently his model got breast augmentation since he last worked with her. That is the only explanation for how he could not have known how awful that would look. But, in case you didn't think she looked top heavy enough already, he also included a second draped sweater in chartreuse under the first one. For the same low, low price. The second sweater had the added benefit of making the model's breasts look droopy and lopsided. Really, the jacket by itself on the mannequin was quite nice. But the combination of two draped sweaters in clashing neon colors on a large-breasted model was really bad. Mila made a color-blocked cape and a skinny pant. It was nice. Mila is on the top and Rami is on the bottom.

Jerell and Michael both made big drapy herringbone coats. They are styled differently, but the silhouettes are very close. Michael's look is very polished and sophisticated, as the judges point out. In fact, it's beautiful. However, it's also kind of boring and predictable. Like most of Michael's designs, it looks like a cliched television version of what a rich woman would wear. Jerell's is much more interesting. Yes, the buttons are insane, but it's a great look. Jerell is on the top and Michael is on the bottom.

Jerell wins. Congratulations, Jerell.

Rami and Austin are the bottom two and Rami is out. I really disagreed with this decision at first. I thought Austin's look was much worse and I thought the judges were just keeping him because he's Austin. But the more I look at Rami's outfit the more I hate it. At least you could wear Austin's outfit while you're gardening. At night. When nobody's looking.

Mondo is crying because he disappointed his mother on her 60th birthday by not making a winning outfit or giving her grandchildren. Kenley cheers him up:

Kenley: "Mondo, sure you suck, but not as bad as Austin. HAHAHAHAHAHA."

Mondo: "Kenley, you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better."